>> Billiesimon's Self Inquiry Diary - Let's blast through the matrix

[billiesimon]

In the end I have decided to turn it into a diary, to keep track of the insighs during self inquiry.

Here are the first two insights (I'm gonna post everytime something decent comes up). My final objective is finding WHERE I am and what I'm MADE OF.

INSIGHT #1 (days ago)

I did the "look at your hand" self inquiry, for 45 minutes.

I got a lot of pretty intense psychedelic visuals on the hand itself, and the borders were melting with the inside of the hand.

My hand felt very alien and as soon as I stopped the inquiry, the alien went back to normal. No "intellectual" insights, just visuals and alien sensations.

 

INSIGHT #2 (yesterday)

>>>> After 30 minutes of looking at my hand in movement (i was constantly moving it to see its shapes and forms)...

I realized that I can't actually see the back of my hand!!!! I mean... you ALWAYS see the front appearance of an object!!!!

"What are you talking about? You can turn your hand and see the back , or the inside, if you are looking at the back" 
That was the logical voice in my head.

NO!!! You always look at some perfectly painted picture where the images are CONCEPTUALIZED to be the front/back side!!! 

 

Kids DON'T see the back of the hand when it's on the front, and to them the back doesn't exist until it shows up.

But.... the back and the front are just LABELS!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! We have labeled some many aspects of the objects around us that we THINK that reality has a back side!!! 

At least from what I have felt in this session... there seems to be NO BACK SIDE to reality!!! 

What you see is what IS. 

I'm still not sure if this is right but... I've noticed that when the hands move, they are just shapeshifting, and we are just taught at school that they do not shapeshift, but they just turn around to the back.

WHAT IF they ACTUALLY shapeshift on a screen?!?!??! 

[billiesimon]

INSIGHT #3 (today)

40 minutes session - half of it in a meditative pose, closed eyes - half of it laying on the bed, OPEN eyes, staring at the room

It seems like SIGHT and INTERNAL TOUCH (bodily sensation) are completely disconnected. 

We actually THINK about their connection, thus creating a false sense of connection between "image of a leg" and "sensation of a leg".

Also.... what is a leg? Is it the image? is it the touch sense? It cannot be both, because those senses seem to be disconnected.

One is a cinema screen (sight) , the other seems to be.... very muddy, very MYSTERIOUS.

 

What is touch? 

Oh my god... after my 40 mins session I've come to a partial conclusion that touch is actually a VERY MYSTERIOUS perception, which creates some kind of energy fluctuating IN THE VOID!!!!

So.... to make it more dramatic and more shocking:

You see your leg, but that's just a picture, a painting of a leg, and it has NO sensations, apart from the seeing sensation.

But when you think that you "feel" the internal/external touch of your leg.... that seems to be a HUGELY MYSTERIOUS UNKNOWN SENSATION.

It has no correlation with the actual depiction of the leg! 

So.... what happens is that you USE THOUGHT to create this picture-touch complex, which doesn't exist in experience.

But thought creates this kind of ghost connection between "eyesight" and "skin-feeling/internal feeling".

 

Still I can't grasp the nature of touch... it really seems to be a random energy fluctuating in the void of nothingness 

----------------------------------------------

I'll keep you updated.

[billiesimon]

(MINI) INSIGHT #4

45 mins session - Looking at my hand - sitting in a meditative pose

 

"Seems" natural to separate my hand into segments, and these segments tend to become more and more. My whole arm, then the two pieces of arm and the hand. Then the hand has 5 fingers. Then each finger has three phalanxes. And each phalanx has a lot of lines and smaller and smaller lines.

So what's the right border? How far can we go with the separation? Seems like it can go on quite a lot, if my sight's zoom wasn't limited.

And then....

I see that these "lines of separation", like the lines of the knuckles, or the lines of the nails etc... they are NOT borders.

They are ACTUAL entities. They are like brush marks, they have a body, a color, a shape.... so... these are not separation lines....

What if the "separation lines" that we humans see are just imaginary concepts? 

We actually need some concrete things to use as "separation lines" to actually see separation.

 

And here comes the true mini insight:

Borders, markers, which in reality are just OBJECTS like everything else, are NOT lines of separation.

They are lines OF UNION.

The hand is UNITED with ALL of its lines, shapes, colors etc.... We are conceptualizing separation because we see different qualities in the hand. Some parts are tall, small, white, red, pink, blurred etc.... but if I look closely... they are ALL GLUED TOGETHER!!!!

Diversity is a feature of union, but it can be conceptualized by the mind as separation.

It's my mind that's trying to FIND SEPARATION!!! OH GOD!!!

Lines of union are just lines of union.
But we THINK about them as lines of separation.

 

Separation is union. Or at least so it seems by observation.

Edited March 25, 2020 by billiesimon

[billiesimon]

MINI INSIGHT #5

- After a session of 45 mins meditation + 20 mins self inquiry

 

There's someone experiencing all of reality but I can't find it

I feel the perceptions (sight, sound, touch etc...) but they are NOT me. I am not the perceptions.

My body seems to be just perception, so I'm not the body.

I'm SOMEONE that seems really hard to find!

 

The biggest insight of the last sessions (recapped in this entry) is that my true "I", my true identity, seems to be here and now but.... it's also nowhere to be found! 

But still I don't have the answer! 

I just have understood that it's not my body, it's not my perceptions and not my thoughts. 

But I still can't grasp that FEELING OF EXISTING.

The understanding of "just existing"... I still cannot grasp it.

 

And it's frustrating because I can understand that it's always here and now... but yet I can't.

Edited March 29, 2020 by billiesimon

[billiesimon]

I attach here my recent trip report with some insights below:

Insights:

#1) I might be a CAMERA just looking at reality, experiencing reality. My thoughts are not me, but perceptions passing by and entering the scope of the camera.

#2) Reality stripped of the ego is UTTERLY MYSTERIOUS and ALIEN. It has no meaning but it also has a deep unknown nature, which is NOT the meaning we give it in our normal everyday life.

[billiesimon]

MINI INSIGHT - CONTEMPLATION #6

Reality is always magical and childlike, but we are ignorant about it

I've sat on my small lawn, tonight, for 20 mins, and contemplated the sky and the sounds of the night.

This worldwide crisis.... maybe it's forcing us to look inside. Maybe it's forcing us to stop living like zombies, running around, looking for money and forgetting our humanity.

Maybe I'm here, sat on the grass, enjoying the night breeze, EXACTLY because of this crisis.

Now it's so quiet. Now I can hear nature, and the city too.

As I contemplate the night, the empty street, the peaceful breeze, I realize that thought are dissolving.

Thought are dissolving in the night. I am peace. I am here. Yes, I am here. 

I have forgotten what it means to just sit on the grass of my lawn and enjoy the night as a kid. 

Thoughts are useless, thoughts are like a nightmarish voice, robbing me of the present moment. 

Now, sitting here, I realize that there can be happiness in the present moment, in silence and without artificial stimulus.

 

Authenticity may be the answer for happiness. I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.

[billiesimon]

HEALING THE SHADOWS #1

Resuming the path of shadow work

I have practiced a fair amount of shadow work in 2019, which was the year that I started with the intention of changing my old self into a new self.
2019 has been the year of deconstruction, of meditation, of spirituality in the form of theory and basic mindfulness, and the year of SHADOW WORK.

At the beginning of this year I've had somehow abandoned shadow work in favour of more mindfulness and the path to dissolving the ego.

But just after my Ketamine Trip, which blasted me into a strong ego-weakening state, a lot of deeper shadows have arised, and immediately the day after the trip, I have started to clearly feel a knot of dark emotions and insecurities arising.

The Ketamine has unlocked deeper and older shadows that I wasn't aware of.

 

At the beginning I was bothered by this revelation. I wanted to feel already healed, but.... after a few days I freaked the hell out, and my shadows were now on the open. I have realized that I have to heal these newfound shadows. Heal them, and then reintegrate them into my soul.

I want to thank 2F-Ketamine for forcing me to accept and recognize these shadows, because I was totally unaware of them. Since I had healed the shadows from 2019, I thought I was ok. I was not. But now I'm aware, I can feel them. They need my help.

 

Tonight I have sat on the grass in front of my door for some minutes. I have felt genuine and soft happiness, not a solid happiness, but a lighter and milder form. 

But it was there.

And what's the good news? 

I have finally felt that my shadows are starting to heal. It's the first step, but I could clearly feel that they WANTED ME to enjoy the present moment, to connect with the night, with nature and with eternity.

Yeah, it's going to be alright.

[billiesimon]

HEALING THE SHADOWS #2

To heal, you must feel hurt first

 

Today I've had several moments of internal crisis and being triggered by other people, and then realized later that it was just a projection of my own shadows onto others.

This deep wound that has emerged in the last few days is actually a process of spiritual healing, because in the past the shadow was NOT in sight, and thus it was not hurting. 

Now it's hurting because it has started to heal. The first step is always to bring it up, in sight. Making it visible.

Now it's the second phase: you already are seeing the shadows, and it's time to reintegrate them by processing the pain and applying awareness and love to them.

1. Unconscious shadows

2. Revealing of the shadows

3. Pain and awareness of the shadow

4. Loving it/becoming fully aware of it 

5. Reintegration - Becoming whole again

 

I've already done it in the past with other minor shadows, and I can do it with this bigger shadow too.

 

Before accessing the Truth, you must heal your soul

I can't have major breakthroughs in awakening and spiirtuality withouth healing deeper into myself.

This emotional damage was revealed to me exactly because I was not ready to access more deeply into my self inquiry.

Ketamine showed me that I am indeed not ready to go deeper into the truth. I need to become purer and cleaner first.

And that's what I'll do.

 

The temptation to look for happiness outside

I still have this major temptation. Social media, movies, videogames, and ESPECIALLY looking for happiness from other people. This last one is massive.

I have to remember myself daily that the key to my freedom and happiness lies within my emotional health, not in the outside world.

 

I'm gonna make it.

[billiesimon]

(QUICK) HEALING #3

Today I've had some other small explosions of anxiety and insecurities. I've sat in meditation to listen to them, but the real game changer has been placing my hands on my heart and just accepting the feelings. 
Giving them reassurance and this emotion of "patience" has calmed them down and created a small safe space of equanimity.

I am thankful for this amazing insight.

 

MINI INSIGHT #7

You are always tripping...?

I've done one of my usual small walks around the park of my neighbourhood, a contemplation/self inquiry walk.

I've noticed that I am somehow always tripping, it's just that I have already labeled as "normal" everything that I see and experience in "normal reality".

But... if you look closer... you will see that objects stretch and morph just like in a psychedelic trip, sounds appear out of nowhere, random sensations change, random tastes, random feelings. 

It's just that we are used and trained to label them as "normal". But they are not normal. It's just a way of making it "safe". 

The ego seeks reassurance and safety, seeks "normalcy". 

Nothing seems to be normal, it's just that what we experience in a psych trip is not mapped and not labeled.

But you are always tripping. At least that's what I seem to notice.

[billiesimon]

>>> TRIP REPORT and insights

2nd Ketamine Trip - 55 mg plugged

 

This dissociative trip (my second one) has been very weird. 

I got out of the experience very confused and without a clear answer. A lot of monkey mind and random anxiety, but also great moments of deep contemplation and deep stillness.

Insights:

1. I need to learn how to connect with every psychoactive substance. 
Each one of them has its own language and method of contemplation/giving you insights. 

You have to learn to listen to them and to connect with their unique chemistry and tuning of consciousness.

Ket seems to be very still, silent and non-stimulant. It has zero visuals, zero effects. Only stillness, peace, detachment and clarity of mind. It teaches you with silence and a deep sense of awareness.

2. I am already free, but I am also my own cage.

I have the capacity to become free right now, and yet I don't do it because my self image, my ego, is structured in a way that keeps me in a precise psychological shape. This self image keeps me stuck and makes me feel anxiety, stress and fear.

But the K-trip showed me the FEELING of being already free. The space inside me, my formless state, my true identity is already free. It is always free. But every label and image that I keep about myself keeps me in the cage.

Yet I am free. I am already free. I am the one who created this cage.

But where's the key to get out? I still need to find the key to exit my own cage.

3. My shadow emotions are there. They are clearer and more evident right now. 

I have to reintegrate them with breathing and with freedom.

Becoming more in tune with my freedom is the best way to reintegrate the shadow.

 

4. The meditative tunnel is the way.

Just after the peak state of my trip, I have sat down and started meditating.

It's been an AMAZING experience.

My mind started to slowly dissolve, and my sense of being started to move into this internal space, like some kind of space-time tunnel in total darkness.

I have felt a strange feeling of moving through this dark cosmic space with just my awareness, and losing slowly track of my body and my human mind. After some minutes I decided to quit because I was becoming scared of this wandering into cosmic void as a formless soul.

It's been truly amazing and liberating, but also scary at the same time.

I've learned a new way of using psychedelic meditation to reach new states of ego dissolution. My ego was slowly fading away, as I moved across this cosmic loophole.

I'll come back.

Edited April 13, 2020 by billiesimon

[billiesimon]

HEALING #4

Today I've had a very important release ?

I have felt this emotional distress and existential pain for some days until today. 

Why do I have to suffer? Why am I so lost? Why did I endure all this pain? Why can't I find peace even though I meditate and self inquire?

Why why why why why why? 

I've battered myself so much today... that at the end... I completely lost it.

I started crying this evening. I've had 10 mins of intense crying. 

And I was suddenly happy ? 

Yeah... I actually want to be free, I actually want to express myself. I actually want to STOP ABUSING myself.

 

This opens up a new section of my journal:

SELF LOVE JOURNAL #1

????????????

This is for you. This is for me.

I won't let you in the dark anymore. 

I've done shadow work for a year just to arrive here: I have now realized that I have let myself in the dark for so long....

I'm SORRY, but I actually love you. I accept myself, I don't want to abandon myself anymore.

I'm sorry, NOW I'M BACK ?

[billiesimon]

HEALING THE SHADOWS #5

I've never had such a fast paced healing in all my life!

Today another healing moment. 

This one too was triggered by a deep anxiety moment.

Pain seems to be a huge signal and stimulus for growth. I've seen in my life that suffering is often an indicator of huge misalignment.

 

>>>> When I'm not living authentically I suffer, that's what my shadows are trying to teach me! I've never realized this until today. 

 

I've been living in a lie, believing that I am the person that everybody has told me to be, since I was a kid.

I am NOT a shy guy. I was told that I was one and acted like it.

I am NOT a nerdy guy. I was told that I was one and acted like it.

I am NOT whatever the f*ck they told me. I am not.

 

My past life is a lie. And the best part is that all of my past doesn't even exist because it's just a random memory, it's just a collection of images in my mind. 

 

I can be what I want. I only have to learn how to let go ?

 

I AM FREE. I AM ALSO MY OWN JAILER.

 

I need to embody all these healing insights into my everyday life.

 

The suffering of today has brought me a gift. The gift of HONORING my authenticity.

The gift of being whatever I want, because I am not a defined person, I am what I feel like.

I am free expression ?

 

I need to embody this, I'm going to embody this. (I've also bought a book by Teal Swan to learn more advanced shadow work techniques)

 

I'm going to become the best light and love that I can be ???

[billiesimon]

I forgot...

SELF LOVE JOURNAL #2

I am here with myself, I care for you (me) ?????

[billiesimon]

MINI INSIGHT #8

My path was prepared exacly for me

I'm starting to notice that all my problems, all my challenges, all my needs, all my desires etc... seem to be all linked to my life purpose and my interest into awakening.

It's almost like someone put me here in this condition to push me, to motivate me, to show me what I am and what I need to do to rediscover myself.

All my self-hate of the past. All my self-insecurity. All my fears.

It's all related to this path. I am here thanks to those.

My interest in awakening has risen from there.... Yeah. Maybe it was all right all the time.

I'm not awake, not even close but... Now I can sense that the present moment was never appreciated by my past self. Now I am starting to recognize the immense and exclusive value of the present moment.

The present moment is somehow my essence, my home.

 

SELF LOVE JOURNAL #3

I was meant to arrive here, starting from self hate

 

Yeah, I might have been wrong all my life, thinking that I was a victim.

I might be no victim, just a blind boy with no clue that he's been put here to learn and to rediscover his true power.

 

I don't know what I am, for now. 
But I know
I am here
I am the perspective of reality
Because my reality is the only real thing I have
So... I am the only one who can fix myself

There's no one else viewing my perspective.

It's just me. I don't know what or who I am. I'm not enlightened at all.

But I'm starting to see that....

Life is just my own perspective, my own present experience.

 

I want the best for myself ???

[billiesimon]

I've been away from this journal for some days, but I've kept my onenote journal updated, everyday.

This one is more of a shadow work/insight journal, for the most interesting self discoveries and self reflection.

 

Today I have worked on my future brand. I want to start my own self help business. I no longer find satisfaction in the nine to five job, and I feel completely out of place.

It's time for the big change, it's time for the evolution I never dared to try.

It's now or never.

 

I wanto to bring my newfound authenticty and self love to my future business, I want to help people find passion in their life and compassion in other people, relatives, friends and strangers.

 

I want to learn deeper connection and teach it to those who need it the most.

 

Yeah.

My last psychedelic trips have shown me that this is not my place anymore.

I'm here to learn Love, and then to teach Love.

 

I'm going to appreciate my  nine to five job, because I recognize it's still part of my path of self discovery.

But then I'm going to leave it as soon as my project starts to take off.

It's going to be interesting! An adventure.

I've been a nice guy for too long, now it's time to become truly authentic and free.

 

It's going to be all right, keep believing in yourself ? the path is open.

[billiesimon]

SELF LOVE JOURNAL #4

Everything is going to be alright

 

Yeah. As long as I am willing to reconnect with presence and being, everything will be alright.

There is no way to get lost, if you don't get lost in your mind. 

Mind is always screaming, worrying, dividing, judging and fragmenting existence. Mind is afraid because it want to keep everything in control.

Abundance rises from being. That's why we meditate, self inquire and explore consciousness. 

We recognize that the mind is becoming toxic and our existential cage.

 

I was tempted all day to worry A LOT.

In the end, I forced myself to be present and to look at something for several minutes, or just feel my body without thinking. And I returned back to a decent amount of peace and stillness. 

But the mind always tries to return.

 

It's going to be hard, but I'm going to master the monkey mind. I want to reconnect with being.

I want to reconnect with self love.

[billiesimon]

It's finally happening ??????

I am finally healing. I can be free ?

I am free, I am free, I am free, I am free.

I am myself, and everything else I try to be is false, is ignorance.

[billiesimon]

I've been away for a few days, but keeping my onenote journal, because I have had some shadow work to do and some late evening meditations and relaxation processes.

And then....

Yesterday I've had my first psychedelic breakthrough.

 

I'm going to talk about it on a trip report very soon ?

[billiesimon]

Here's the last trip report ???

I am on a deep journey right now.

 

The most important of my life. Maybe the only reason of my life.

 

[billiesimon]

This is a very weird but amazing period for me.

 

I am going through some hard moments, fights, crisis etc... but... I am also going through a lot of growing, spiritual growing and lifestyle growing.

 

I am actually HAPPIER. I appreciate the present moment MORE.

 

I can sometimes clearly feel that I am immersed in this ocean of existence, and I feel warm and slightly happy.

Yeah, it's definitely one of the most important phases of my life. I am changing. 

This might be the change I have ALWAYS wanted in the past but never actually started.

 

Now, i realize, it is HERE. I am living it in the present moment.

Yeah. 

You have to trust the Consciousness in you. It is vibrant and alive. 
If you are ready to listen, it will show you the way to evolve.

 

Thanks ???