Pickup With A Girlfriend?

[pregnantplatypuss]

I have a girlfriend. I enjoy our partnership. She's a beautiful, caring woman who I'd like to build my future with.

When I was in college I jumped from relationship to relationship. I felt like I never really experience how it was at the bar picking up and getting tested by women. It seems that is an important skill to have. You're tasked with making decisions under pressure and being relaxed in a tense moment.

I look to the guys that can playfully banter with a stranger because I feel like I can't do that well. When I talk to an attractive girl I still get flustered and I don't want to. Have you guys had similar experiences? What options are out there to get better at these social skills without the "high stakes" pickup situations?

[Roy]

Are you expecting to be able to flirt with them? What kind of banter we talking about? You shouldn't be thinking about this stuff too much if you have a girlfriend. You'll have to explain a bit more.

[Spiral]

I wouldn’t consider it cheating if you, say, happen to chat up a girl at bar while you are out with you buddies. 

[Moon]

Maybe just develop skills to become a confident and charming guy regardless of whether it's a pretty girl or an old man, same kinda skills of being under pressure could be formed if you're trying to charm any stranger right?

Otherwise, selectively picking on girls- as an "important skill" comes across a bit strange if you really believe your girlfriend is someone you want to build a future with. 

[electroBeam]

On 20/03/2020 at 3:33 PM, pregnantplatypuss said:

I look to the guys that can playfully banter with a stranger because I feel like I can't do that well.

Charm isn't a skill, its an internal mental state. Its the structure of your ego, your feelings and relationship with your career, friends, your dreams and where you live. Its your beliefs about yourself. Its the beliefs of others. Its how meditative your mind is, how much life experience you have, how much mystical experiences you've had, how genuine and sincere your desires are, how honest you are to yourself and others. How compassionate you are. How driven you are. This isn't a skill, its how well you've integrated all aspects of your life. If you want to attract women. Focus on integrating your life, not learning some crummy skill. 

[flowboy]

19 hours ago, Moon said:

Maybe just develop skills to become a confident and charming guy regardless of whether it's a pretty girl or an old man, same kinda skills of being under pressure could be formed if you're trying to charm any stranger right?

Agree, however don't forget that there's something very visceral about the sexual dynamic, that isn't quite the same when you're simply trying to chat up any person.

When I'd say a polite hello to an attractive potential mate, and she looks at me in disgust and walks away, signalling with her eye movements to her friends "let's get away from this weirdo", you can bet that hurts a lot more than if some dude did that to me

Also, you can't really simulate high stakes.

If you go up to a girl with the intention of just talking, knowing that nothing can happen, you will have much less fear of rejection, but also the girl will feel that you're there just to be friendly so the dynamic is totally different.

[flowboy]

On 20-3-2020 at 5:33 AM, pregnantplatypuss said:

I felt like I never really experience how it was at the bar picking up and getting tested by women. It seems that is an important skill to have. You're tasked with making decisions under pressure and being relaxed in a tense moment.

Here's my take on it: you can't simulate pickup if you can't actually fuck her. It will not be tense in the same way, so you can either go the friendly route, which is not tense at all, or you could still flirt, knowing nothing can happen, which will come off as incongruent and the girls will hate you for not knowing what you want. Which makes sense, because you'd be being fake.

But you obviously have the desire to find your edge, and prove to yourself that you can learn to make decisions under pressure with high stakes. This is good, nothing wrong with that. Very masculine desire.

So I'd recommend getting a more exciting job, starting your own business, starting to practice a martial art, or maybe an extreme sport in order to find your edge and be challenged.

Alternatively, you can ask your girlfriend if she wants to do an open relationship.

That in itself will provide you with similar thrills

[Moon]

4 hours ago, flowboy said:

Alternatively, you can ask your girlfriend if she wants to do an open relationship.

That in itself will provide you with similar thrills

LMAO

Guessing he'd only be for a HALF open relationship, typical guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too 

 

[flowboy]

@Moon You're being very judgmental of a person who is asking for help with a legitimate dilemma, that I know to be real because I went through it myself, and who is showing no intention of being deceptive to his partner.

I'm sorry if you've been hurt by one of more masculine figures in the past, you didn't deserve that, just like this guy doesn't deserve your projections

 

Edited March 21, 2020 by flowboy

[Moon]

@flowboy I am being "judgmental" but I never meant he was trying to deceive his partner. I mean in theory a lot of guys would love to have access to multiple women. Probably due to having an ability to separate sex and feelings much better than women can, who are more likely to catch feelings after each sexual encounter due to the release of oxytocin for e.g. In practicality, guys with this desire/fantasy can still be faithful, as OP probably is. (You probably perceived my reply in a wrong tone, wasn't meant to sound bitter- you seem personally offended). 

Anyway, agree with your great alternatives for OP- extreme sports like skiing, amazing to trigger the flow response too.

 

On 3/20/2020 at 4:33 AM, pregnantplatypuss said:

I look to the guys that can playfully banter with a stranger because I feel like I can't do that well. When I talk to an attractive girl I still get flustered and I don't want to. Have you guys had similar experiences? What options are out there to get better at these social skills without the "high stakes" pickup situations?

In regards to getting flustered, probably a combination of both inner work (if it's an insecurity issue perhaps?) and overall social skills improvement, alongside with your other high stake pursuit should put you in a better position to talk to a hot girl better if it so happened. 

[LordFall]

3 hours ago, Moon said:

@flowboy I am being "judgmental" but I never meant he was trying to deceive his partner. I mean in theory a lot of guys would love to have access to multiple women. Probably due to having an ability to separate sex and feelings much better than women can, who are more likely to catch feelings after each sexual encounter due to the release of oxytocin for e.g. In practicality, guys with this desire/fantasy can still be faithful, as OP probably is. (You probably perceived my reply in a wrong tone, wasn't meant to sound bitter- you seem personally offended). 

Anyway, agree with your great alternatives for OP- extreme sports like skiing, amazing to trigger the flow response too.

 

In regards to getting flustered, probably a combination of both inner work (if it's an insecurity issue perhaps?) and overall social skills improvement, alongside with your other high stake pursuit should put you in a better position to talk to a hot girl better if it so happened. 

 

4 hours ago, Moon said:

LMAO

Guessing he'd only be for a HALF open relationship, typical guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too 

 

What do you mean, in what universe does that not sound bitter? 

@electroBeam has a good reply. You don't need to do pickup to be able to have fun, light-hearted and deep connections with other people. Focus o being inflow in other areas of your life.

If being able to have fun casual AND sexual relationships with girls is something that you particularly desire though, then perhaps breaking up with your girlfriend is the way to go. I wouldn't suggest an open relationship in your situation. Just don't do anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable telling her, that's not what a true man does. 

[Lissuw]

Confused by the amount of judgement here, coming from a traditional western way of thinking about relationships. No doubt you should be faithful to your girlfriend if this is the agreement you've both entered.

The reason why you feel shy talking to pretty girls, but don't feel shy when talking to someone you're not attracted to, is the intention behind the interaction. I believe charm is indeed a social skill, because I've mastered it even though I grew up not attractive and very introverted. Parts-work has helped as in some social situations I can ask for a fragment of my ego to step in and help. In my core I'm still an introvert, but can manifest a side of me that is a sexy confident woman when needed. Celebrate all parts of you. 

One thought process that helped me when starting to practise social skills was whenever I felt shyness creeping in, I would flip it around and think "this insecurity that I'm feeling is just this person's insecurity mirrored into me, so I'm going to make them feel as comfortable as I can so they'll feel more secure" and that actually really works. Good looking people have a lot of insecurities as well, remember that! Be kind to it and you'll feel more in power and easy to be around