4201

Fear of unconsciousness

1 post in this topic

Last november unconsciousness lead me to overfantasize on a poor girl, get rejected and then take the largest LSD dose I've ever taken. The trip went really bad, because I was totally unconscious. I was totally unaware of what my mind was doing, that is, worrying about whether or not I was ok with the rejection (acting like the person being rejected was not me but some inner child I had to take care of) and the LSD just amplified those worries to a point where I was super worried I was going to die because I can't take care of myself. I ended up seeking help from my grand parents(which were not aware I was taking LSD at the time), and feeling lots and lots of shame for being unable to handle my trip by myself and causing lots of turmoil in my family.

The story goes on, but the point here is that after this whole experience I spent a great deal of time understanding what went wrong and its obvious now that unconsciousness of the ego was the only problem. "Unconscious" is the word my ego now uses to enter thinking patterns of self-frustration, self-criticism and self-hate. I'm not often in those patterns but I can feel that this judgement of myself as unconscious is always in the back of my mind, ready to be used against me whenever I do something wrong.

On top of that, about a week after the bad trip, I went to a bar with a friend which was way too loud. It really hurt my ear but for some reason (mainly because I was doing really bad at that time) I was totally ignoring the pain. This memory of that pain is still very alive in my mind and is identified with the idea of "unconsciousness". I can feel that pain in my ear whenever I judge myself to be unconscious. I don't have much experience with the pain-body as described by Eckhart Tolle but I would say this integrated my pain body. My latest psychedelic trips are insightful but mostly focused on pain rather than pleasure, unlike my first trips. 

In the end, it's clear to me that I am very affected by fear of unconsciousness. I am scared of doing the same mistake, going back to hell because of my own unconsciousness. How do I make peace with the idea that I might turn insane at any time?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now