The Truth

[Victor Mgazi]

Alright, so I'm going to begin this thread by confessing that I'm too comfortable where I'm at now and that might just prevent me from going all the way through with this work. And with that being said, I'm going to need help moving forward.

But before I explain what I mean I'd like to ask if there's anyone here who knows some practices that can prepare me or perpetuate me to my.. what is now commonly known as "ego death" ? I'd like to do this before, if it gets there, I use psychedelics to achieve this state.

Okay, now for the explanation.

So after my last awakening which was the awakening to Love, an aspect or identity of God, I felt enormously loved and I could surrender myself to life. I'm at peace with how things transpire and I have no desire to control anything about it. This is who I am, or at least a serious part of me. 

But unfortunately it can't stop there because all of that is just a quarter of the full picture. Upon realizing how all of this(reality/life/existence) is happening: in/from the fabric of consciousness, I now see that this dream or story this fabric is telling can't just take me from seeing God to being God. I would literally need to be consciousness itself But that's not what this story is about; it's about Victor. If I want to have a shot at being aware of how I am God then this dream has to cease, I need to die. That is really not as easy as it sounds because that's almost the last thing that I would ever want despite the fact that I seek enlightenment. 

I'm scared of the truth. Really, I am and so should everyone else because the truth doesn't need you.. not really. Although some might say that you are the truth, lol.. yeah but it's really not like you think and I mean really not like you think. God is Love because ultimately God is selfless. But that's not something you have to get right away from this.

So, to sum up my point, I'm finding myself resisting to continue with this work because I know that it will literally be the death of me. But I also know that it's necessary because this is the truth I've been searching for for a very long time now. Please help me get there. 

I mean you can either be absolutely terrified at the truth or be absolutely in love with it, right ?

Now, the practices please ?

[Spaceofawareness]

@Victor Mgazi

what you probably already know is, there is no ego to transcend. You are already the self, just looking “as” the ego, through your self model which has taken the layer of ego superimposed on consciousness to be what you are. What needs to happen is for the self model to either be destroyed, or, to only reflect the you which is awareness, not all other things which appear within awareness.

Here is the way I look at it.

You, which is nothing but awareness, have layers of experience which are superimposed upon you, like layers in photoshop, you being the canvas. The layers of experience, thoughts, ego all get layered on top of the canvas of awareness, and the role of the self model is to determine which of these layers is the world and which of the layers are “you”. If it thinks thoughts, ego, feelings, are you, you will merge with those layers and look “as” them, or identify with them. If you can look at the layers rather than as them, you don’t merge, and the self model can view those layers as not you, leaving you as awareness. This is still a dualistic awareness.

somehow, it has to be seen by the self model with the help of awareness, that these distinctions between you and not you are actually illusory, and the distinctions disappear, leaving awareness neither attached nor detached to the other layers. I don’t know how that could be, other than if the self model is either modified to not see any distinctions between the canvas and the layers, so it doesn’t have any option other than.... isness,  no self, no other.

maybe another way of looking at awareness and the “layers” is, rather than being separate from awareness, the layers are actually disturbances within awareness, like waves in an ocean. To draw a distinction between the waves of experience within the ocean of awareness is simply conceptual, it is all awareness. This needs to be realised by the self model.

Edited March 19, 2020 by Spaceofawareness

[Mo0ngrass]

The trick here is that nothing dies. The you that you are scared to lose does not exist. I think ego-death has been taken too literally and becomes an objective that people are grasping for similar to enlightenment. Be still and know God.

[Nahm]

It’s literally now or never. 

[StripedGiraffe]

I'm not sure that "ego death" is the best phrase because there is really nothing that dies. It's more like you realize that it never existed in the first place. It's funny, from your perspective, it seems like some big scary thing that changes everything, and your life is over. Brother, this couldn't be further from the truth. As soon as it happens, you'll realize that there's nothing to be afraid of. You honestly sound ready already imho. It's more like a deep understanding that just makes so much fucking sense. To me, it felt like I was purging delusion and it felt so good. I can honestly say that listening to Leo's videos on ego and enlightenment is probably the best prep course on earth for ego death. Aside from that, meditation and self-inquiry won't hurt. Also, if you're going to use psychedelics, which have helped me reach incredible awakenings, start with a low dose and work your way up gradually until you have a breakthrough. It's a lot less intimidating this way and you might find it easier to surrender to the experience. Best of luck brother. You are in for so much beauty and awe. It's not as scary as you think. All of that fear is an illusion anyway. You'll see. You are ready.

[Heaven]

@Victor Mgazi

I feel the same way..I’ll use the off time that I have now to do micro dosing of psychedelics.

@StripedGiraffe

Do u have any suggestions how to do it gradually?

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Victor Mgazi said:

I'm finding myself resisting to continue with this work because I know that it will literally be the death of me.

The taste of an orange, at least could be said to be known. ’Death’ is not known - a belief about yourself is known. The same self which is not resonating in feeling, with that belief. You’ve dubbed “the work”, to accommodate the undesirable emotion. But without the belief - feeling, thought and emotion are in perfect accord. They were already. 

For you to find yourself doing anything, you’d have to split in two, and have a wall or something between you’s two’s.  Hopefully helpful now, and for the trip. 

[StripedGiraffe]

@Heaven You can start with a microdose. With Penis Envy mushrooms, which are very potent strain, I started with a gram, then a week later, I ate two grams, and 10 days later, I ate 3 grams. I had an awakening from that. and then 10 days after that, I ate 3 grams again and had a much deeper awakening/enlightenment experience. You can increase by one gram at a time until you find your breakthrough dose. Or, if you want to be more conservative, only increase by .5 grams per trip. Give yourself at least a week, ideally 2,  to reset your tolerance and integrate each trip. It's important that you contemplate the shit out of each trip to integrate it.

[BigDogRaven]

It's incredible the amount of wisdom and quality, helpful info I find in these forums. Thanks so much to all of you for being here.

[Victor Mgazi]

Thank you all for your input in this. I really appreciate it.

Okay, so just to clarify somethings. It's not really that I'm afraid of death or afraid to continue with this work, I'm simply just resistant to it and I thought the reason why I am is because my ego sort of knows that it will utterly exposed for what it really is. And I know that in the end this fear that also contributes to my sense of self will disappear along with the story/dream. So it's not really death that I'm resisting it's the truth about me, the actual me. It's like I don't want to know or I don't want to be this truth that I already am just not aware of it.

So now I'm basically just asking y'all for any practices that can help become less and less resistant to this. And some of y'all are telling me that I might be ready. Lol, I'm really not sure about that because if right now you were to give me psychedelics and told me "this will be your awakening to truth" I'm really not sure if I would take it. Hence, I'd like take that initiative in practicing 

Some of you propose meditation and self inquiry but I'm going to need you to be specific. What kind or how should I meditate? The only form of meditative I've been doing for the past year now is grounding myself in the present, what else can I do? Self inquiry has only taken me thus far where I know the truth is literally right here, I just need to do something though I'm not sure what to see it. 

@StripedGiraffe the thing is, although psychedelics will help me get there, I know that in my trips my mind will be resisting. I want to take psychedelics when I know that I'm ready to let go and die or realise that I was never real. I'll need to learn how to let go of what I've deemed to be my life, let go of my dreams and desire to live and the things and people that I love. I'd have to be willing to let go of everything. But I'm not, precisely because all this things are what make me me, @Victor Mgazi

@Mo0ngrass I'm already doing that, being still, I have to be aware of it though. I have to be directly aware of who I truly am, embody it, know it without a shred of doubt. And it doesn't matter whether you're going to lose the you or not, you will feel like you're dying and that's what I don't want to resist.

@Nahm  how I wish I wasn't struggling to understand half the things you tell me. I don't know why but sometimes I literally miss the points that you're trying to make. I apologise for this. I literally read and understand the words that you've typed but miss whatever it is that you're trying to communicate. 

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

The same self which is not resonating in feeling, with that belief. You’ve dubbed “the work”, to accommodate the undesirable emotion. But without the belief - feeling, thought and emotion are in perfect accord. They were already. 

For you to find yourself doing anything, you’d have to split in two, and have a wall or something between you’s two’s.  Hopefully helpful now, and for the trip. 

You lost me here ?. Could you be more specific, more direct. Instead of typing "undesirable emotion" could you just type what that emotion is, and instead of typing "the belief" could you just type what you think that belief is. 

5 hours ago, Nahm said:

It’s literally now or never. 

I get this though ?

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

12 hours ago, Spaceofawareness said:

You, which is nothing but awareness, have layers of experience which are superimposed upon you, like layers in photoshop, you being the canvas. The layers of experience, thoughts, ego all get layered on top of the canvas of awareness, and the role of the self model is to determine which of these layers is the world and which of the layers are “you”. If it thinks thoughts, ego, feelings, are you, you will merge with those layers and look “as” them, or identify with them. If you can look at the layers rather than as them, you don’t merge, and the self model can view those layers as not you, leaving you as awareness.

Wow, this is actually an amazing analogy; very helpful for noobs such as myself. Thx!

[Nahm]

Sorry. ?? Believe it or not, it seems clear. I’ll explain more. If I “cross that line” of triggering, or offense, I apologize. Some people appreciate the direct message, some people claim it’s abusive. ??‍♂️

 

“I'm finding myself resisting to continue with this work because I know that it will literally be the death of me.”

That’s just a thought you’re believing.

You don’t know that, you believe that. You made up the belief of death. You believe in death because you aren’t contemplating your birth, and you aren’t acknowledging death is a thought which you are repeatedly believing (recreating a belief). It didn’t feel good or true the first, second and fiftieth time you believed it, and it never will resonate, because it is not true.  You’re not making the distinction between direct experience and a belief of which you have zero direct experience. When you claim your belief (death) is true, it does not feel good. You assume you are already right about death. “Pride” is the feeling of being wrong, ignoring that feeling, and believing you are “right”. This is how you are creating the emotion, fear.

You’re ignoring feeling, and choosing to be right about your belief in death. 

Then you’re “surprised” you don’t like how you feel (afraid). 

You’re choosing to ignore feeling and be right about your claim ( “I know that it will literally be the death of me” ). 

For the sake of satisfaction, enthusiasm, empowerment, passion, happiness, health, and well being...for the sake of resonating with every cell in the body, for the sake of the reality you want to be creating, and co-creating with others - choose thoughts that feel good to you. Be willing to let thoughts which do not feel good to you, go. Those thoughts do not serve you, or anyone else. 

 

“So after my last awakening which was the awakening to Love, an aspect or identity of God, I felt enormously loved and I could surrender myself to life.”

Surrender the belief (in death).  Thought creates. You’re creating the emotion fear, via pride in being right...at the expensive of how you feel. Why would you / why are you, doing this? Not “in general”, not “in a past”, not “in a future” - right now. Why do that, again, right now?  Is it truly better for you to do this? To choose being right, over how you feel? Is there something you’re getting out of doing that? Is there something which you ‘put off’ (procrastinate) in life, by doing that? Does it serve you, or anyone else whatsoever, to deny your own feeling and truth? 

Choose the direction, of alignment with feeling, and you can create, do, be, and have - whatever you want in this experience. 

 

The same self which is not resonating in feeling, with that belief. You’ve dubbed “the work”, to accommodate the undesirable emotion. But without the belief - feeling, thought and emotion are in perfect accord. They were already. 

For you to find yourself doing anything, you’d have to split in two, and have a wall or something between you’s two’s.  Hopefully helpful now, and for the trip. 

“You lost me here ?. Could you be more specific, more direct. Instead of typing "undesirable emotion" could you just type what that emotion is...

Fear. 

 and instead of typing "the belief" could you just type what you think that belief is.” 

Death.

 

 

[StripedGiraffe]

One more really powerful exercise that will prepare you is the letting go technique Leo talks about in "The Power of Letting Go" episode. If you can do that technique with literally any one thing, that is basically what it feels like. It's literally just a shift in focus and consciousness. Not nearly as scary as it sounds. At this point, it really seems like you have all the philosophy and theory down like Judge Joe Brown. In my experience, that theory is the most important prerequisite for ego-death. The next step is an experience. I'm not saying go straight for a heroic dose of 5-meo. The way I experienced ego-death was a slow unraveling that shook a little bit of delusion out each trip. It's not like you'll eat a few grams of mushroom and POOF YOU DONT EXIST. No haha, In my experience, each trip only took me to truths that I was ready to experience. But this is why it's so important to use psychedelics responsibly. Start with a low dose, and gradually increase. That way, you don't have to be afraid of being blasted into truths that you think you're not ready for.

Edited March 20, 2020 by StripedGiraffe

[ivankiss]

"It will only burn until you realize you are the fire." 

- Death

[Victor Mgazi]

@Nahm thank you so much. I finally get what you're telling me and it makes so much sense. Wow, thank you for sharing such wisdom with me. You're so wise. I hope we have more conversations on this sort of stuff.

Okay, so I'm choosing to believe in death for the sake of being right/thinking I'm right. Which is unnecessary and pointless because at the end of the day they are just thoughts and not the truth that I'm seeking. Rather, I should believe in thoughts that make me feel good for the sake of a positive experience. I should be willing to let the negative beliefs go. And I'm assuming this is how I'll be less resistant to being aware of the truth ?

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

For you to find yourself doing anything, you’d have to split in two, and have a wall or something between you’s two’s.  Hopefully helpful now, and for the trip. 

How exactly do you mean this??

[Victor Mgazi]

@StripedGiraffe thank you so much, that info is helpful. I'll definitely check out that video and immediately get into the exercise. I'll also follow your advice regarding the psychedelics.

@ivankiss ?

Thanks everyone ?

Oh, and just to clarify, I'm not afraid of ego death (or whatever you prefer calling it). I was only stating that I believe that during or early in my death fear will probably be an emotion that stands tall above any other, and for that reason I might resist letting go of me and not reach the truth. It's more of a concern than a fear really. That's how I mean by saying that I might not be ready. I don't want to have to be using psychedelics for an unnecessary number of times just because I'm too attached to go all the way.

Edited March 20, 2020 by Victor Mgazi
Just needed to clarify something

[Nahm]

@Victor Mgazi

Thanks. I appreciate the kind words. I’m really just communicating what I am also doing, so to speak. If it resonates, or ‘works’, it’s because The Truth is just so unbelievably Good.  

2 hours ago, Victor Mgazi said:

How exactly do you mean this?

In thinking, there is often “two of me”. But this thinking is habitual and goes unnoticed. It “keeps the separate self going though”. 

A simple example:

“I get so mad at myself sometimes!”

It’s an innocent thought...but....it “divides”. The nature of the thought is thinking of myself, as if I were two different separate entities. The “ I “, in thought, is thought to be someone other than, “myself”. 

When these thoughts are noticed more, we begin to notice they are “write off’s”, or that they cover up what’s really going on with me. When I notice I think and talk in terms of “I get so mad at myself”... I begin to look more at what’s really going on with me. This naturally leads to being more aware of thoughts, feelings, and emotions...which “shines the light of awareness”, and results in clarity & self realization. 

[Victor Mgazi]

8 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Victor Mgazi

Thanks. I appreciate the kind words. I’m really just communicating what I am also doing, so to speak. If it resonates, or ‘works’, it’s because The Truth is just so unbelievably Good.  

In thinking, there is often “two of me”. But this thinking is habitual and goes unnoticed. It “keeps the separate self going though”. 

A simple example:

“I get so mad at myself sometimes!”

It’s an innocent thought...but....it “divides”. The nature of the thought is thinking of myself, as if I were two different separate entities. The “ I “, in thought, is thought to be someone other than, “myself”. 

When these thoughts are noticed more, we begin to notice they are “write off’s”, or that they cover up what’s really going on with me. When I notice I think and talk in terms of “I get so mad at myself”... I begin to look more at what’s really going on with me. This naturally leads to being more aware of thoughts, feelings, and emotions...which “shines the light of awareness”, and results in clarity & self realization. 

Okay, I think understand this. Thanks for a detailed and beautiful description.

[Nahm]

@Victor Mgazi ♥️??

[Guru Fat Bastard]

A few contemplation's/inquiries:
Note: Don't answer with the mind,Go to direct/immediate experience:

Who am I without a name?

Body is apart from me. Mind is apart from me. So, What am I?

What is aware of my experience?

Ask /Inquire... Is there something that is here and aware of this moment?
Is there the sense of a subtle presence there ?  Be aware of that subtle presence.