Overcoming Nihilism and Emotional Pain on a Trip

[Raptorsin7]

I did 100ug of LSD last night and I have some questions about progressing on the path.

I have a hard time crying, and I think the next part of the path for me is to learn to cry because I think it will lead to relief. During the trip I was able to cry a bit and that felt better, but I also realized how it was very hard for me to just relax and how hard it was to just feel good. 

I went through many suicidal thoughts because at certain points I just couldn't handle the emotional pain. I noticed that when I tried to stop and breathe it felt better, but I would also get nauseous and so I was stuck just basking in the misery without any relief. It was my worst trip to date, and i'm scared to trip again because if I do higher doses I might just kill myself, and I dont' want to die I want to live.

I also spent time looking at myself in the mirror. I always had a complex about how I looked. I was very vain every since I was a kid, and I am definitely neurotically obsessed with how I look. I understand how I look is subjective because I've improved my self confidence about how I look in the past, but look at myself in the mirror was still crazy. My eyes got all weird, my eyes changed color, I noticed my face and body would literally change and I would see multiple eyes on myself it was crazy. I was scared at one point that the person in the mirror would just start talking to me and I didn't know how to handle. I feared the terror and horror that would come from that kind of hallucination but it didn't happen. 

Has anyone faced this kind of intense of emotional pain and come out the other side happy? I feel like the point of spirituality, psychidelics, etc is to just feel good and be happy. That's what i'm looking for on the trips is well being and pure happiness. 

I also feel a strong urge to vomit on my recent trips and I wonder if that's related to anything? I know my diet is terrible so that's the number one culprit. I'm really going to make an effort to clean up my diet and stop poisoning myself moving forward.

I've had LSD trips where I felt misery, but there was also a break through into bliss. But this time I got stuck at misery. Will a higher dose be better for me now that I am used to doing 100ug trips? I've tripped about 5 + times in my life now, ranging from microdoses to about 150ug doses.

[fridjonk]

@Raptorsin7 My first jump from 150ug to about 400ug was so amazing and unbelievably beautiful that I find it likely that you'd get more emotional release at higher doses. The ego melts completely away and you are kind of forced to deal with these issues. Being able to almost reshape your psychological conditions to your liking like clay. From my personal experience. 

If I were in your shoes I'd try and do maybe 2-3 150ug trips with some shadow work in between, then move onto higher doses. 

8 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I feel like the point of spirituality, psychidelics, etc is to just feel good and be happy.

If only it were that easy. I'd say they are more so to work out your problems and shadows, exactly like you are facing.

9 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I also feel a strong urge to vomit on my recent trips and I wonder if that's related to anything?

Could be a throat chakra issue. 

I know you'll figure this stuff out man. It just takes some time, patience, and internal exploring. 

[DrewNows]

Wow cool man. Detoxing the physical body will encourage emotional detox, hand in hand. The process lsd is encouraging you to face is going so deep as to merge with the enemy (of separation) within....surrendering in the now. How might a clean temple impact your next trip? You got all the answers, can you dig it!?  

[mandyjw]

Personally I'd really focus on diet, start running or yoga if you don't have a good solid exercise routine or habit. 

The point of spirituality is to go directly in the direction of feeling good, which paradoxically means confronting a lot of illusions that don't feel good. You'll notice stuff bubbling up and getting really bad, then being resolved and released to bliss, lots of back and forth on the path. If you want to feel good in the exclusion of feeling bad, it only beckons the boogeyman you don't want to face so you'll stop resisting him. That's likely what your trip showed you. 

Change your mindset to one that's more like an author writing an epic story or play, rather than the mindset of the character itself or even the reader. Good writers know that a great villain makes the hero. They also know that neither, in fact actually exists outside of their own imagination. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw  I struggle with exercise. Like I just don't want to do it, and I give up easily when I do it. 

How do you force yourself to do with when you don't want to do anything?

[Consilience]

43 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

How do you force yourself to do with when you don't want to do anything?

Start with something so easy it’s impossible to fail. 

For example, your first week of exercise could be something as easy as 3 10 minute walks per week, and you just build from there. Also always holding onto patience and persistence with your goals. Progress isn’t linear and backsliding does happen. When you fail, let it go. Study the triggers that created the backsliding but ultimately let it go and move on. 

As far as the nihilism you faced on the trip, yeah... it’s a lot to handle sometimes. I think as hard as this is, the only solution Ive found to be effective is meeting nihilism/apathy with acceptance and love. Even apathy is a form of consciousness and it is no less deserving of love, it is no less perfect than any other play of form. I also agree that a higher dose might counter intuitively propel you into happiness or love however if you’re having suicidal thoughts while tripping, maybe using psychedelics alone isn’t what you need right now. As many moments of fear and nihilism Ive faved while tripping, Ive never had the thought to kill myself. Please be careful. 

If you dont have a regular sober spiritual practice like meditation or yoga to ground yourself on a daily basis, I would start there. Even 10-15 minutes a day of either practice can be life transforming. Same rules apply in regards to patience and persistence. If you’re looking to unlock suppressed emotions, Id look into Breathwork. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Consilience Thanks.

I should clarify, I never had a serious intention to kill myself. But I felt so bad and I had no solution. It was just emotional pain and I didn't know what to do. I want to live, I know life can be amazing and I have faith in a brighter future. I've never seriously struggled with suicide so this was new to me. I've tripped multiple times and I've had some break throughs into positive feelings but I just haven't done monster doses and I don't know what to expect,

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@mandyjw  I struggle with exercise. Like I just don't want to do it, and I give up easily when I do it. 

How do you force yourself to do with when you don't want to do anything?

Pick the form of exercise you find most interesting, exciting or enjoyable. I started running when I was 10, which is also around when heavy bouts of depression set in and the running kept the depression at bay. Exercise for me is like do or die (really suffer). It's less necessary now that I have a meditation practice but still really important to how I feel. I really enjoy it though, sometimes it's hard to make myself do it, but I know that I feel SO much better when I do, and it's only a couple resistant thoughts to putting on the running shoes and going out in the cold, (or getting out the yoga mat, or...etc). Once you get started and start to really pay attention to the difference it makes you won't go back. 

28 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I've never seriously struggled with suicide so this was new to me. I've tripped multiple times and I've had some break throughs into positive feelings but I just haven't done monster doses and I don't know what to expect,

Have you read the story of Eckhart Tolle's awakening? "I can't live with myself anymore" and then he questioned was there two of him, one could couldn't live with the other? Suicidal thoughts, especially as you get into spirituality are the ego saying it can't live with itself anymore. It's trying to express its desire to awaken to Love, but tragically this gets misinterpreted by some as a desire to kill the physical self. It's a desire to surrender the illusion of the separate self, no more. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw

1 minute ago, mandyjw said:

Have you read the story of Eckhart Tolle's awakening? "I can't live with myself anymore" and then he questioned was there two of him, one could couldn't live with the other? Suicidal thoughts, especially as you get into spirituality are the ego saying it can't live with itself anymore. It's trying to express its desire to awaken to Love, but tragically this gets misinterpreted by some as a desire to kill the physical self. It's a desire to surrender the illusion of the separate self, no more. 

This is my instinct as well. I want love, it's just veiled at the moment. I want to enjoy life and actually be happy.

Seeing through the illusion of the separate self didn't do it for me though. I feel like I can recognize the separate self in thinking, but even when I see through it and be with whatever is present in the now it doesn't feel good. Then the seeking restarts, and i'm just trapped in this cycle.