Minimalism: Hard To Say No

[rrodriguez11]

Hey,

So I consider myself a people pleaser (I've been working on this for a while) and it is hard for me to say no to people that tell me to hang out because I feel that they would think bad about me.  

How do you go about saying no?

Or better yet, how do you stop being a people pleaser? 

Thanks!

[Extreme Z7]

@rrodriguez11 It really depends on why you want to keep pleasing people. Most of the time, the decisions you make in social interactions seem to be rooted in the past, somehow. I say try to remain the present moment and also think about your past, as well. Who knows, you might find something that will help fix your problem.

[Corte]

Realize that when people make you feel bad for not being with them, they are manipulating you into feeling how they want you to - since you didn't do what they wanted. The most common is guilt, they might come up with a story for why you should feel guilty, which is of course completely illusory and made up. Simply don't give up your control. 

Yes, a person can actually be hurt by a decision you make, but you will feel the difference between this and someone who is making up feelings. The person might even make it look authentic as if they are mad/sad at you. Make your choice based on what you feel is best and hold your ground. It might get ugly in the beginning but people will eventually learn they can't control you. 

[Mal]

@rrodriguez11

Three things:

1). Stop believing your imaginary fears.

2). Stop asking questions based on your imaginary fears

3). Understand that everybody is living in a simulated virtual reality in their heads based on their imaginary fears, and are always looking for other people to solve their "problems" created by their imaginary fears.

 

That should do the trick!

[charlie2dogs]

12 hours ago, rrodriguez11 said:

Hey,

So I consider myself a people pleaser (I've been working on this for a while) and it is hard for me to say no to people that tell me to hang out because I feel that they would think bad about me.  

How do you go about saying no?

Or better yet, how do you stop being a people pleaser? 

Thanks!

do you want this dream of the human identity to be controlled by others or yourself???

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

I think you guys are uneccessarily complicating things. Here's the real deal: humans have an innate need for the validation of others. Your need for validation is simply a little bit stronger. That said, If you want to reduce this desire for validation it will be a very long process, at least a couple years and even then you'll probably still want validation in some shape or form(not necessarily a bad thing)

However if all you want to do is say no then say "No. Sorry, I've got other plans." Just say it. Nobody but you is preventing you from saying it. Nobody will beat you up or shun you forever(some might) if you say no. Develop strong boundaries and don't allow bullshit into your life.

[Pallero]

@rrodriguez11 First of all, you are not alone! Even people who seem confident care about what others think of them, more than you'd think. It's good that you have recognized your need for more self-assuredness and started asking questions. Like others have pointed out, the process is very long, but it will also be fun and rewarding.

The process is long, because you can only stop being a people pleaser if you stop needing their approval and that need can be difficult to deconstruct. You will have to acknowledge and question many beliefs that make you behave in this way.

You can start by trying a few things out. For example, next time you feel pressured to hang out, make a decision to say no. Then do it and see what happens. How does it feel?

Are you scared of being left alone? Left out? What's so scary about it? How does it make you feel? Ashaimed? Worthless?

Then you will need to accept all those feelings that come up.

Lastly, meditate.