Lost on my path, looking for someone who has been where I am at right now

[korbes]

Alright, so I want to shorten this down, as I want to get to the root of this situation quickly, so I don't have to write out tens of thousands of words, in order for you to get my whole story, so let's go.

I have always felt different, always felt like there was much more to life than what society tells us, and thoughts and questions around who I was and society was, started to emerge and accelerate a lot, when I was around 14-15 years old. I am 22 years old today, and a lot has happened since. I've had periods where I didn't feel compelled to eat meat, meditated everyday, and felt like I could watch my thoughts, without reacting to them, and got to some point of spiritual balance, I don't know what to call it. But society distracted me, and I fell back into the cycle of society. 

Now, for the last 1-2 months, I've been feeling off. A lot of things has happened to me, that really makes me question myself, my values, my worth, my identity, society and everything. I felt super drawn to go travel, so I went to Sweden for 3 days, isolating myself in cabin out in the woods, just me, no electricity, to do personal development, and I figured out A LOT about myself and my fears etc. I literally felt like I released some massive energy blocks / negative emotions inside of me. I was reading the book (Edit)-, which Leo has on his booklist, while I was in Sweden, and was practicing to let go of different feelings. I tried to focus on the general emotion I had, at the time, and tried to let that go, and I feel like I lost so much control, that I got an anxiety/panic attack. I felt very alone, and suddenly felt that I was about to enlighten, and I came to the conclusion inside of me, that I didn't want to enlighten, it was too scary, and I felt like I wasn't ready at all. But since that trip to Sweden, I've felt so good and so off at the same time. I feel like some spiritual thing is growing inside of me, and I feel very confused on what to do right now. Should I just let go, and realize my nature, or do I just suffer from anxiety or what the hell is goiing on? On that trip to Sweden, I seriously felt so connected to the true nature, that it almost got a little scary. 

I am not sure on what to do now, because currently I fear social situations, because I am afraid I will get an awakening freakout suddenly. It reminds me of a shroom trip, where you in the end of the trip can sense that everything is an illusion and that you just have to flow with life, and you feel naked. I feel that nakedness now, and I don't really know how to deal with this.

 

I know this is written out very confusingly, but I am just kind of anxious about what is happening, and I feel like I am going crazy. 

I feel very alone, but I believe it's something positive coming up. I know I am not crazy :-)

 

Pheww. Hope that I'll get some good responses on this, wish you all a good day!

Peace.

Edited March 18, 2020 by cetus56
Revealing a selection of Leo's book list

[Aaron p]

Whats up my bro. You sound like your a very intuitive person, you instantly get 100 points for that. Its extremely important that you follow the voice of your own intuition. Its a lovely thing to be free and lost in the open space of directionless intuition. However it becomes even more powerful when you introduce some stabalization into it. Like beacons. Some examples of stability; having a specific hardcore meditation pattern and sticking to the pattern well. Having a powerful set of meditation techniques that are practisesd every day is amazing for stabalization. When you commit to one or two specific practises its like light converging in on itself, becoming purer and purer until it becomes like a laser that can cut through things. Theres a perfect ballance to strike between free-intuition and strictness. If you can strike this ballance you will become powerful. Dont be afraid to be hard on yourself, go slowly, passionately, powerfully. Ask yourself, "am i really taking this seriously?" use powerful tools. dmt, 5meo, dpt. A master is both, intuitive, and strict/decisive/accurate/powerful/badass. mixing freedom and intuition with precision and discipline is powerful af.

Bring all of your concentration to self discovery

Edited March 18, 2020 by Aaron p

[Marchino]

Sounds good.

Seems like you are close to something most of us (some of us) here are looking for.

Do not fear the fear.

You are looking for encouragement.

May I reflect to you your own words:

"I believe it's something positive coming up. I know I am not crazy."

Stay open and sensitive. Do grounding exercises. All is well.

 

[Applegarden]

Basically tjose subtle fears keep eroding after time and you will be more established in yourself, notice that the unpleasantness comes and goes; everything will die, except you. Yes i am going trough the same thing, few times, however the depth of the awakening is getting more significant, no matter how big the confusion. Let me tell you something - remember - no matter how you feel, you are the ultimate, shiva, all knowing, all powerfull. You are just god feeling all this, see and laugh at it.

[SOUL]

It's very simple....stop believing what you feel....as well as what you think. By believing it is 'true' it amplifies it in a feedback loop as if it is real. So, stop endorsing, agreeing, attaching and believing it. Don't empower it in any way.

When the mind-body creates it...oh and it will, it won't stop just because you stop believing, it may even get more frantic to lure you back into believing it is through it's frenzy of feely-thoughty-omg-believe-me-ness.

Just sit in observing awareness of it going on as passive as you can, don't try to end it, don't try to release it, don't try to do anything with it....just let it be. If you must fill that aware space with something fill it with love, peace, joy, healing, contentment and fulfillment.

Once you create and healthy inner environment anytime some of that angsty energy rises up it will dissipate quickly all that equanimity. Then all the 'what I should I do in life' questions will resolve itself with an inner life that is conducive to well being.

 

Edited March 18, 2020 by SOUL

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, korbes said:

Should I just let go, and realize my nature, or do I just suffer from anxiety....I seriously felt so connected to the true nature, that it almost got a little scary. 

I would understand and therefore be without, the anxiety. Be careful not to project anything that doesn’t feel good, onto anything conceptual at all, wether that’s awakening, enlightenment, nature, social environments, etc. If you are at the place of willingness to inspect, you can see that & how you are creating it. It is a misunderstanding of the relationship between feeling & thought. It is not complex, but seems so as it is almost entirely, collectively, misunderstood. While it’s easy and simpler than you might suspect, it is entirely relative. So feel free to pm me if you like. Same for anyone btw. I assume that goes without saying on the forum, but it’s best not to assume. 

[electroBeam]

Of course could be wrong, but your ideas of enlightenment are not real. They are monsters under your bed. I personally, with resistance by many on this forum, would go so fa as to say enlightenment IS not real, but imaginary. You're getting all fussed up about an imaginary story of this thing called enlightenment.

Im sure you feel something strong, and you feel there will be a radical revealing of reality that will shake the stream of consciousness, but the projections, labels of what this feeling means, and will do to you are fucking you up because they are not real. 

Follow your bliss.

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

@korbes Move over my friend, I think we're sitting in the same boat.

I too feel like I am currently stuck in a very weird purgatory where I constantly shift between fleeting moments of peace and bliss on the one hand and an almost apocalyptic sense of dread & despair on the other, and I have no clue where all of this is going to lead me. Obviously I don't have any brilliant insights to offer since I am practically drowning in a sea of cluelessness with hardly any land in sight; but it can be helpful to know that you're not alone.

Edited March 19, 2020 by Bazooka Jesus

[korbes]

Thanks for all your replies everyone.

What I forgot to tell you, is that I saw Leo's video about the dark side of spiritual enlightenment, some months ago, and I realized that I wasn't interested nor ready to seek the truth, I realized that I'd rather live in the illusion for at least some more years. But it feels like the real me, just can't let go of the idea of awakening, it seems like the entire essence/real me-thing, is pursuing this, and it's really difficult! I'm so afraid my entire world will break down, and my life will become worse, if I awaken. I'm afraid I can't continue being with my girlfriend, and I'll stop pursuing my goals and dreams, and I'll just become some weird spiritual freak, and I don't want that! I've tried to stop pursuing "awakening" for a long time, but it seems like something inside of me wants to. 

I am not sure if it's just a very big emotional block I am trying to get rid of, maybe this isn't close to an awakening at all. I am just afraid of letting this negative emotional block pass, because I am afraid of what's on the other side of it, and for me, the worst case scenario right now, would be to awaken, and then become something I don't want to be, and lose my girlfriend, and then become unhappy.

[DLH]

On 3/18/2020 at 0:40 PM, korbes said:

 

Been there and bought the tee-shirt. I went through that dark night as well, are you kidding me, I am still going through that dark night, but less intense. (“Dark night”, is just a label I use to mean “an intense change of old habits, patterns and beliefs).  

Here is my take on “All That Is”, (I’m trying to get away from the label of “God Consciousness” because no matter how conscious you think you have become it still has some lingering juice and affiliation with Religion hidden in the unconscious human mind), is a vast dream state of Consciousness and Energy that dreams up all physical realties, all thoughts, ideas, feelings, and probable existences.

So here is the conflict that I face when breaking through layers of consciousness and awareness; we are all in a physical “Earth Dream” that has accepted the predominant thoughts and ideas from either the evolutionist and creationist belief systems, Religious or Scientific paradigms, either consciously or unconsciously.  It’s embedded within the Human Collective Mind Belief System and individual Ego Mind Consciousness.

The emotions and turmoil I feel, as I break through each layer of consciousness, are the result of breaking through the Human Collective thought patterns, ideas, beliefs, and feelings that I have accepted and have embedded into my physical and mental “self” over the last 60 years as a participant of the Collective human conditioning and societal experience.  

The awkward feelings, emotions and energy I experience, are the result of my “NEW” thoughts, ideas, beliefs, imaginations, feelings, emotions struggling to change, release and denounce the “OLD” Human Collective thought patterns, ideas and beliefs etc., that I have carried within the physical, mental “self” all these years.

The “Alone” feeling is normal and is part-and-parcel of becoming conscious and awake.  We are leaving our “Family” of “old” familiar thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings, emotions, and even some relationships behind, to explore higher levels of conscious thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc., that no-longer resonate with the “OLD”.

I have found that it is almost impossible to eliminate all of my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings and emotions from the “Self’.  It is my belief that if one were to eliminate them entirely, one would no longer exist in this physical reality, or even in the “All That Is” because Consciousness needs all of them to be Creator and Creation.

What I have found to be helpful is to “Create” new thoughts, ideas, beliefs etc., that resonate with the changes you are going through.  Don’t get caught-up in the “Void of Nothingness” that many people in these forums worship or strive.  The “All That Is”, is much more diverse, exciting and fun to explore than trying to obtain or become Nothing!

If any of the ideas that I used in this Post resonate with you, I highly recommend reading some of the books from Seth (Start with “Seth Speaks”). Seth will go much more into detail than what I have shared here with you, with more advance material than any other books I have read over the years.  The Seth material will help you integrate the changes you are experiencing with your thoughts, ideas and belief, and will help you experience and understand higher levels of consciousness.  Just remember, "you are not alone"!

Just sharing some thoughts, ideas, beliefs!

Edited March 19, 2020 by DLH

[Aaron p]

8 hours ago, electroBeam said:

Of course could be wrong, but your ideas of enlightenment are not real. They are monsters under your bed. I personally, with resistance by many on this forum, would go so fa as to say enlightenment IS not real, but imaginary. You're getting all fussed up about an imaginary story of this thing called enlightenment.

Im sure you feel something strong, and you feel there will be a radical revealing of reality that will shake the stream of consciousness, but the projections, labels of what this feeling means, and will do to you are fucking you up because they are not real. 

Follow your bliss.

@electroBeam yooo man, I've been feeling the same thing. Enlightenment isint here, reality is here

[Aaron p]

Sure, path is the hardest thing in the world (or maybe the easiest thing in the world) but it's worth it lol. Is so fucking worth it. This is such a strong intuition of mine. It would be worth it if it took 100 years.