Absolute Responsibility – 200ug LSD Trip Report

[Consilience]

Background:

I came into this trip extremely curious about the nature of The Self. However not merely my true nature, or who I actually am; I was also curious about the ego and self survival. Something I learned from Peter Ralston’s work is that this creation of ego is an active in the moment process that we’re actually doing! According to his work, we are generating the context for our ego to exist, yet we are normally identified as the end result of this process, the ego. The implications of this are massive.

If Ralston is correct this means that all of our suffering, trauma, happiness, joy, and really any conscious state at all is something that we are actively creating and participating in, we just aren’t conscious of this fact. It’s worth repeating though that it’s not that we ARE those states, but that we are creating the CONTEXT for those states to arise in any moment. Normally when we examine the ego, we are examining the end result, the self image, emotions, and thoughts yet this is not where my attention was going for the trip. My attention was focused on contemplating the existence of this hypothetical context.

So this all means when I suffer deeply, it’s because I am wanting to suffer deeply. When I find great joy and love, I am responsible for that as well.

Themes that emerged:

-       Responsibility

-       The Self

-       Survival

-       Energetic Integration

 

Responsibility

Unsurprisingly the coronavirus outbreak was on my mind during this trip. While I was contemplating how it’s possible that I am an active participant in the state of my mind and emotions regardless of external circumstance, I kept considering the existential fact that I am also actively generating the whole of reality. I kept looking at my hands and asking myself “Why am I doing this?” over and over and over, almost neurotically and to the point of tears. I couldn’t understand what the point of all of this suffering was for, whether there was some greater good it was serving, or some higher purpose. I couldn’t understand why I was actively creating this suffering and how helpless I felt within this process. During the trip, I honest to god could not experience what Ralston was talking about; my emotional states feel very automatic and unconscious, how one might describe a lack of free will. It feels like states ebb and flow regardless of what I’m up to. So for a solid 4 hours I was tripping out about how none of what is going on makes any sense at all. I create the suffering. I don’t like the suffering and because of my heightened state, I was really tapped into the collect fear that’s spread throughout humanity. I could feel just how afraid we all are about this pandemic; it feels like we DON’T want to suffer from this fear. Yet again, if what Ralston is proposing is true, we are all entirely responsible for this collective state; the virus has little to do with it other than how we’re interpreting it relative to our survival. And this here was the key, it is an interpretation.

In order for anything to be interpreted, there has to be a context for these interpretations to arise, other was phenomena would just being perceived through a lens of void, which is where I suspect 5meo-DMT takes its users. So what was this context? What is the context I’m generating as The Self? What is that which gives rise to this ego, this form of survival? Another interesting aspect of this context is that it is running operating principles in the background as its functioning. These principles are what then give rise to our interpretations. The most obvious principle we all share is the principle of survival. This is perhaps our most deeply held principle as it trumps everything else. More on that later.  

 

Well during the beginning of the trip, I couldn’t become conscious of this context. Eventually I just sort of gave up and started Being. However, one thing I realized is that if this was in fact that case, I was existentially speaking, 100% responsible for EVERYTHING and this felt overwhelming to face.

The Self

The self only exists right now. At one point I was looking down at a hallucinogenic looking floor. As it was slowly morphing, almost like reality had turned into a viscous liquid, I left my body. It wasn’t that I *really* left my body, I just saw very clearly that I was never actually in a body at all and that I’m actually nowhere at all. Awareness felt expanded to a massive degree in this state and I just abided as what I know to be true. There is no one here, there is no time, there is no space, there is nothing at all, there is complete freedom, and all is the self. I honestly have no memory of how long I remaind in this state. Funny enough, eventually a memory came into awareness reminding me that I still didn’t understand the inner workings of self survival and then I lost focus on the Absolute, at least the degree to which I’ve become conscious of it.
 

Survival
I decided that I wanted to visit one of my favorite trees in a nearby park. I call it The Tree of Knowledge and I consider it a friend (very stage green I know lol). It’s taught me much over time, and it’s a comforting presence to be in while tripping. Here’s where it gets weird though. It’s Saturday around 3pm, beautiful weather outside, but as I get to the part it’s literally only me and a distant murder of crows (more on that in a second…). I was a little weirded out to be all alone in this enormous park, but I saw my friend off in the distance and knew that the journey had to be complete.

Upon reunion with the Tree of Knowledge, I began doing a standing meditating, trying to mimic what the tree was doing. My feet felt firmly rooted to the ground, my body feeling fluid and loose yet active. During this tree meditation, I was super conscious of how integral having a firm root was when it comes to living life. For me and I suspect many of us, this root means our finances, health, shelter, social community, and even something psychological like integrity. If we are not strongly rooted in all dimensions of our being, trying to live a fulfilling life, a life where life purpose is the focus, will be next to impossible. I started reviewing all of my roots in life and trying to understand where I stood with all of them, especially given the pandemic.

Eventually the meditation ended. I turned towards the ground and start watching a tiny worm travel across the ground. I felt so curious of its context, and roots, and how it must feel in its own moment of survival. It was interesting how clearly survival looked in the context of watching a worm crawl, but very regularly I fail to see the same mechanism within myself yet survival is the underlying principle (one among many others though) through which all of my experience and distinctions arise.

Okay but then… I started to hear squawks off in the distance get closer and closer. As I turn my head up, I see the murder of crows from early start to circle me in the air, on the ground. They where closing in around me like a pack of wolves and even now I have no clue why or what I did to piss these dudes off. So, being the logical dude I am and in my altered state of mind, I decide my best course of action is to sprint out through the murder and back the way I came. I assumed I could outrun the crows. Boy I tell you what, LSD is a powerful drug because I went FAST. Not only that, but as I’m running at top speeds of my life, I’m contemplating the self-survival at play which gave rise to this whole situation from unfolding, and the subsequent decision to sprint.

The fuckers followed me all the way home. Tripping out about being followed by crows, I decided it was best to try and repair relations. So later I went BACK out to try and feed them walnuts. Once returning to the park, one flew up squawking. It perched in a tree and kept aggressively squawking to which I yelled back, “Namaste! Namaste! Namaste!” while throwing walnuts on the ground. I then quickly backed away and surprising the Crow took the bait and went to the ground. I watched as other members of the murder flew over to check out the commission. Two days post trip and I still haven’t seen the murder at the park… I almost feels like I dreamt up the whole thing.

The whole thing felt like a weird real life encounter with survival… The tree, the roots, the worm, the crows, my sprint… Such a weird moment on the trip.

 

Energetic Integration

Not going to lie, this trip wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. After how profound my last mushroom trip was where I went Super Saiyan, this felt a little underwhelming and unproductive. Yet as I exited the trip, I felt changed. My whole body felt different. My mind feels different. This seems strange, but it somehow feels like the energetic currents circulating my body during the trip where cementing the previous trip deeper into my being. Now I know that sounds super woo woo, but it’s the only way I can describe the after effects of the trip. I feel more and more whole, more and more integrated and ready to take on life. I am really starting to not give a fuck about what other’s think when I speak my perspective. In other words, I feel much less resistance with penetrating my perspective into the world. I feel less resistance about embracing the principles that give rise to excellence. I also feel like I am growing in my understanding of compassion and love and the balance that these play with being equanimous and unemotional. It’s almost like my masculine and feminine energy are slowly working into one another while also retaining their individual current.
As I enter into the days post trip, I already feel the call for a much higher mushroom trip. The number that comes to mind is 3.5g and it felt like this trip was an energetic training ground to prepare me for what is coming.

I’ve also since seen that I am responsible for creating the context for all of reality. My state of mind is mine for the making. Reality is a reflection of the self, totally and as such the Self is responsible, totally. Responsibility with a capital R so to speak. There was no big insight though… I just woke up the next day and saw how obvious it was and how funny it was that I didn’t see this while on LSD.

Edited March 18, 2020 by Consilience

[Consilience]

I had a massive enlightenment experience today and I wanted to record my insights in this thread. These insights were an extension of the material I was working on Saturday from Ralston’s material. What is this self thing that is creating my entire experience, meta interpretation, and emotional state out of this empty perceptive field of reality? In other words, what is the context for the end result of ego to manifest? 

 

Principles

So Brendan and Ralston spent a lot of time with us going over the distinction “Principles” at the ENB workshop (I highly recommend). Principles can be thought of as these psycho-existential operating systems that are controlling our behavior. An example of a principle might be like this: “Do it now” which would mean when you notice something needs done, you do it, or the principle of “Integrity” which would mean that you don’t lie to yourself or others, or finally “Happiness” which would mean you take on an attitude of happiness regardless of external circumstance. 

 

The insight I had though: literally every single action we take can be derived from an unconscious principle in action. Literally EVERYTHING. Communication, for example, relies on a flurry of principles all playing out simultaneously and in precise synchronization. The principles of Using the english language, Reading, Intelligence, Time, Meaningful Sound, Socially acceptable body language, etc. I noticed that all of these are in effect, the same substance of what “Do it now” has. It’s a context for generating the way reality plays out. Principles, literally all of them, are context for the play of reality and we are all generating an insurmountable amount of principles in any given moment.

 

And that’s when it hit me like a tone of bricks: The little self, the ego is an amalgam of principles playing out, all of which contribute to the manifestation of various emotional states, thoughts, behaviors, or any experiential state at all. Depending on how I value one principle over another, this will influence the content of my conscious state. So if I value “Lazy” more than I value “Do it now” I will generate resistance to cleaning my messy room. Furthermore, the quantity and quality of this resistance is interdependent on the quantity and quality of value Im giving each of these competing principles. 

 

Yet if one were to examine the existential structure of a principle, you would see that they are all empty of real substance. You are free to adopt and reconfigure the principles your operating from once you’ve become conscious of their existence.

 

At one point during this contemplation, I tried to release the principle of survival and ended up landing back into the state I had been on the LSD, when I “left my body.”

 

The Self 

In that moment I saw the oneness of all things. I saw that no one thing in particular could be separate from I, there was only The Self. After a complete cessation of Principles, there was nothing left to interpret reality, no context to generate meaningful distinctions or create context’s for emotional disposition. The process generating the context which gives rise to the little self, aka the ego, had stopped. 

 

At first I felt cold, and isolated, totally emotionally cut off from reality, and basically my self. There was a great void, and emptiness about this state. Nothing meant anything at all. Yet while In this new state of emptiness, I started spontaneously contemplating what Love and Beauty are. I noticed the principle of curiosity arising. 

 

Love 

It turns out Love (and Beauty) is an intrinsic property of reality. And not only is reality LITERALLY love, but the FEELING of overwhelming existential love, unconditional love is available no matter what form reality takes on. The emotionally charged feeling of love when we’re having sex with a soul mate is available for all manifestations of form. I saw that my most authentic expression of Self was feeling an infinite openness, acceptance, and existential love of this moment, this one moment no matter what content appears, including all forms of suffering. To choose to constrict this love to some form and not others is merely playing pretend, operating from and valuing one set of principles over another. But I truly, and deeply love it all, I am total Self-Love. 

 

I still don’t understand everything Im writing about here, but this one felt big. Who knows how my ego will react in the subsequent days.