Intense re-identification with Ego.

[Nahm]

12 hours ago, Nadosa said:

"why doing it if I dont even have a choice to do so". Then my energy and vibration automatically drops. 

Energy & vibration are clearly saying that thought is not true. 

If I were to say “that’s what pride is”, is there a resistant, “triggered” kind of feeling? 

If so, retrace it. Learn & see how and why it starts. The person & relationship in which you created it, has it’s relative causes too. Understanding it is transcending it. Also, there might be a mismatch in terms of feeling. There’s an ‘inner being’ if you will, which you know to be you. So notions of an individual as in separate self claiming the doing and not doing of things, in the person sense, while problem-free, doesn’t resonate at a ‘deeper level’, if you will (aka inner being). The reason I initially asked if you felt resistance, is so if you do you could see now if this is it, and you can see it is not actually guilt or shame, but sort of masks as it, making it perhaps the most stubborn conditioning to recognize. Everybody ‘has’ it, and anyone letting conditioning go encounters it. Love is the source of it. Apply love & understanding, meet in the middle, so to speak. 

[Nadosa]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa

Do you mean you can’t find a you within you, to be loved?

Yes. If my mind looks for "I". There is no constant "I" there as a "personal identity". It rather feels like "pretending" to be one.

 

What are the chances that my brain is kind of broken inside? Because just theoretically, I cant literally "think" myself out of this. Like imagine "me" being "healthy" and "happy" then. 

I know that is belief... conditioning...

 

 

Edited March 23, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Same for everybody. A thought is just a thought. Nothing “broken”. Sounds like you’re trying to “think your way to feeling”. Also sounds like you understand conditioning, practices, etc. I wouldn’t put anymore focus on thinking for sure. Thought just arises. Nothing to be found there.  The dreamboard experience would be the ‘place’ to focus. Let thinking go in your daily meditations. 

[Nadosa]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Same for everybody. A thought is just a thought. Nothing “broken”. Sounds like you’re trying to “think your way to feeling”. Also sounds like you understand conditioning, practices, etc. I wouldn’t put anymore focus on thinking for sure. Thought just arises. Nothing to be found there.  The dreamboard experience would be the ‘place’ to focus. Let thinking go in your daily meditations. 

 

So I instantly bought a white board. How should I formulate my desires etc?

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Same for everybody. A thought is just a thought. Nothing “broken”. Sounds like you’re trying to “think your way to feeling”. Also sounds like you understand conditioning, practices, etc. I wouldn’t put anymore focus on thinking for sure. Thought just arises. Nothing to be found there.  The dreamboard experience would be the ‘place’ to focus. Let thinking go in your daily meditations. 

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa You just put a big smile on my face, thank you. 

Have a pad of paper and pen also. 

To get started, as much as is possible be in a place of ease, this is not a ‘thinking thing’, it’s a wanting and source responding thing. So dummy down to childlike mind, not immature per se, but simple, innocent, and allowing. There’s no formulating here, no need to at all. 

Thoughts will arise, one at a time. Let go of the ones that don’t resonate. If it’s helpful, use the body for this. Things like taking a big breathe, and blowing it out slowly and deliberately are really effective. A thought will arise, which feels good to you. Whatever that thought is, write it on the board. 

For the ‘other stuff’...the thoughts that arise which do not resonate / feel good - write those thoughts on your pad of paper. Express openly, unabashedly, on the paper. Really let it out, and you’ll naturally derive what you don’t want. Then, write the opposite of that on the board - what it is you do want.

A hypothetical example might be someone beginning the whole “dream board thing”, and they say they don’t know what they want. But they follow along, and simply notice - a thought arises. That thought is “I can’t just have what I want, no matter what I write on this board I still have to go to work tomorrow to a job I don’t really want, because I’m dependent on the income”.  So what they’d write on the pad of paper is what they know they don’t want. For this hypothetical person, it might be ‘working in a factory’, ‘having a boss who’s basically an inhumane idiot’, and ‘being dependent upon this situation’.  Then, on the board, they’d write the opposite - what it is they actually do want...’a source of income that I enjoy’...’working for someone who appreciates my work, or perhaps being self employed’...and ‘independence / freedom’. 

You can also write anything and everything that you like already, on the board. Notice how it feels, when you are putting a little time and focus on what you like, your unique preferences from all your unique experiencing. That which no one else could know...what it’s like being you, you’re tapping into that.  Write stuff you want. Stuff that is only what you want. This is for you, not anybody else. There’s a lot of working together in the world of course, lots of strategies & opinions, etc, all good. This however, is not like that, pretty much the opposite. Write what you actually want. 

[Nadosa]

Thank you.

I wish I could meditate and do some self-inquiry again. But I feel disencouraged and fearful, as if I cannot believe that I can ever liberate myself from thought. Because my story is there and popping up, beliefs etc. I cant let go of and am so attached to. I made it straight 2 weeks, but now my mind pulls itself back to distraction. It all feels like I want to suffer, even though I dont want to be triggered, I let it all happen...and then it again feels like there is no free will...

Why am I afraid? Because the oscillations are so strong. Meditation can be such a bliss. But the switch to old habits is even stronger then.

Edited March 24, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

20 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Thank you.

I wish I could meditate and do some self-inquiry again. But I feel disencouraged and fearful, as if I cannot believe that I can ever liberate myself from thought. Because my story is there and popping up, beliefs etc.

No worries man. You’re just thinking of yourself. You’re aware of it. Up to you to continue such stories. They are no where to be found, sans your telling them. What you actually are, is perfect, problem free, carefree, joy-full. Focus a bit more care-fully in the matter of you. 

Quote

I cant let go of and am so attached to.

When you reiterate this belief - you make it so. It’s not true, so it feels terrible. This is how nightmares are created. Do not go to bed with such ill-feeling beliefs, and yet expect to be making love.

Apparently, currently, for you, it is the better feeling choice, than the emotional release of all the tangled diluted thought/feeling which supports it. Courageously, yet simply, be aware of this. If you are to enter discord within yourself, in choosing thoughts about you which do not resonate in feeling - simply do so consciously. Acknowledge humbly, privately - ideally once and for all -  that you are indeed believing about your self in manors of untruth. In doing this, by God you are set free in Truth, and within you, desire, focus, and abundant immeasurable love are reali-I-zed. The apocalypse is not the joke Nadosa. The cosmic punchline, is there is no “nadosa”. Just thoughts about a “nadosa”, and a “past”, etc, which don’t feel good, because they’re quite simply, not true. 

Let it be obvious. Look around right now. Point to this past you’re so insistent upon. Where is it?  Perception? No. In feeling? Heck no. In thought - seems so. Allow what you are wanting to seem so, and it is so. 

Quote

I made it straight 2 weeks,

Notice the thought story, right at the initial conception. Listen to that little it-say bit-say ness of discord in feeling, notice what you are saying in the tiny ness of the initial conceiving of it, and drop it like it’s hot. Drop it like the first brick of building what you do not want -  before you trigger the feelings which guide you, which tell you it’s not true, and not at all what you want. Drop that first brick to hell, the instant you notice the feeling telling you that you’re holding it. Drop it. You are the trowel my man. You make what you want, and clearly - what you want is not more of the same. Lay not a single brick of it then. Yet, relish, cherish - with everything you’ve got within - lay ever-so-carefully - the next brick...and it shall be enough. One brick, now, is enough. The gift is your trowelness, that what you say, is so. The brick never actually matters. They only appear to. The troweling, the creating, the experience of it - OMG. Good. 

Quote

but now my mind pulls itself back to distraction.

That is one such thought in discord. You choose it. Just as the enigma of how a chicken creates, in kind, you laid it - and it is so, and it is done. 

What is the next brick though?

That’s what I’d love to hear from you. 

That’s what you’d love to hear from yourself, if truth be told. 

Quote

It all feels like I want to suffer,

Another thought, in an almost complete discord with who you really are. The suffering is the ignore-ance of feeling. Nothing more. The suppression of all that you are, of your right, of your desire. Nothing more. 

Continue it?  I vote ‘no’. I vote for dropping beliefs about yourself, dropping the thought about a past, and choosing what you are wanting with your next and every word. Understanding inevitably, intrinsically it-can-not-be-any-other-way...arises. Inevitably, it All makes Sense. 

Quote

even though I dont want to be triggered, I let it all happen...and then it again feels like there is no free will...

There’s will alright. Let that denial of it go, you’re creating that. That’s what will is doing, creating beliefs about itself, about yourself (Will).  Honesty is the true king, as truth is. Honestly is the discipline of a loving mother, if you allow it. When you say there’s no free will, and it feels terrible - listen to the feeling, not the belief. Need not the stick, and it shall not be. 

Quote

Why am I afraid? Because the oscillations are so strong. Meditation can be such a bliss. But the switch to old habits is even stronger then.

Because you’re denying yourself, attached to beliefs. 

Simply no longer “switch to old habits” - by recognizing that’s not actual. There’s no “old habits” lying around. You recreate that, in the ‘rolling with’, the creating with, that thought - Now. You are free to. There is so much love for you, you can do anything. You either know this great love, this joy of being right now, or you don’t. But if you don’t - without question you know what you want to change. Let honesty, let good conscience by your bridge to it. Allow it. 

[Nadosa]

I feel like I have to do some shrooms to get myself back together. Even though I dont feel so safe about it.

[Nadosa]

On 25.3.2020 at 4:35 PM, Nahm said:

No worries man. You’re just thinking of yourself. You’re aware of it. Up to you to continue such stories. They are no where to be found, sans your telling them. What you actually are, is perfect, problem free, carefree, joy-full. Focus a bit more care-fully in the matter of you. 

When you reiterate this belief - you make it so. It’s not true, so it feels terrible. This is how nightmares are created. Do not go to bed with such ill-feeling beliefs, and yet expect to be making love.

Apparently, currently, for you, it is the better feeling choice, than the emotional release of all the tangled diluted thought/feeling which supports it. Courageously, yet simply, be aware of this. If you are to enter discord within yourself, in choosing thoughts about you which do not resonate in feeling - simply do so consciously. Acknowledge humbly, privately - ideally once and for all -  that you are indeed believing about your self in manors of untruth. In doing this, by God you are set free in Truth, and within you, desire, focus, and abundant immeasurable love are reali-I-zed. The apocalypse is not the joke Nadosa. The cosmic punchline, is there is no “nadosa”. Just thoughts about a “nadosa”, and a “past”, etc, which don’t feel good, because they’re quite simply, not true. 

Let it be obvious. Look around right now. Point to this past you’re so insistent upon. Where is it?  Perception? No. In feeling? Heck no. In thought - seems so. Allow what you are wanting to seem so, and it is so. 

Notice the thought story, right at the initial conception. Listen to that little it-say bit-say ness of discord in feeling, notice what you are saying in the tiny ness of the initial conceiving of it, and drop it like it’s hot. Drop it like the first brick of building what you do not want -  before you trigger the feelings which guide you, which tell you it’s not true, and not at all what you want. Drop that first brick to hell, the instant you notice the feeling telling you that you’re holding it. Drop it. You are the trowel my man. You make what you want, and clearly - what you want is not more of the same. Lay not a single brick of it then. Yet, relish, cherish - with everything you’ve got within - lay ever-so-carefully - the next brick...and it shall be enough. One brick, now, is enough. The gift is your trowelness, that what you say, is so. The brick never actually matters. They only appear to. The troweling, the creating, the experience of it - OMG. Good. 

That is one such thought in discord. You choose it. Just as the enigma of how a chicken creates, in kind, you laid it - and it is so, and it is done. 

What is the next brick though?

That’s what I’d love to hear from you. 

That’s what you’d love to hear from yourself, if truth be told. 

Another thought, in an almost complete discord with who you really are. The suffering is the ignore-ance of feeling. Nothing more. The suppression of all that you are, of your right, of your desire. Nothing more. 

Continue it?  I vote ‘no’. I vote for dropping beliefs about yourself, dropping the thought about a past, and choosing what you are wanting with your next and every word. Understanding inevitably, intrinsically it-can-not-be-any-other-way...arises. Inevitably, it All makes Sense. 

There’s will alright. Let that denial of it go, you’re creating that. That’s what will is doing, creating beliefs about itself, about yourself (Will).  Honesty is the true king, as truth is. Honestly is the discipline of a loving mother, if you allow it. When you say there’s no free will, and it feels terrible - listen to the feeling, not the belief. Need not the stick, and it shall not be. 

Because you’re denying yourself, attached to beliefs. 

Simply no longer “switch to old habits” - by recognizing that’s not actual. There’s no “old habits” lying around. You recreate that, in the ‘rolling with’, the creating with, that thought - Now. You are free to. There is so much love for you, you can do anything. You either know this great love, this joy of being right now, or you don’t. But if you don’t - without question you know what you want to change. Let honesty, let good conscience by your bridge to it. Allow it. 

The thing is a story never felt as real as the one about 'I' dying. It felt so real. So real that it created kind of two realities. A selfless one where the story wasnt there but in the background. Another one where I was fully triggered and felt so unreal considering what I was experiencing. Meaning I wasnt fully able to be fully engaged with one because the triggered one was always lingering in the background triggering "uh wait there was a story and it is connected with your identity". I just dont know. It is still so deep embedded. I just cant let go.

Edited March 28, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

On 3/27/2020 at 11:28 AM, Nadosa said:

I feel like I have to do some shrooms to get myself back together. Even though I dont feel so safe about it.

Doesn’t matter much to me if you do that or not. In any case, I’d suggest letting that go. In this moment, it’s a condition. A belief in a ‘thing’ or experience you need for happiness. Happiness is under, or prior to beliefs & conditions, as those transpire only in thinking. 

52 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

The thing is a story never felt as real as the one about 'I' dying. It felt so real. So real that it created kind of two realities. A selfless one where the story wasnt there but in the background. Another one where I was fully triggered and felt so unreal considering what I was experiencing. Meaning I wasnt fully able to be fully engaged with one because the triggered one was always lingering in the background triggering "uh wait there was a story and it is connected with your identity". I just dont know. It is still so deep embedded. I just cant let go.

“Ego death” does not equal any kind of actual death. It is the seeing through your belief in death. The revelation of this, when you know this to be true in direct experience rather than thinking / believing, is known. The revelation of course, is that there is no “death”. It is not something which ever was, or existed. This is why people say they are “in awe”, or “reveling” in the beauty of existence. 

It sounds like you are describing a psychedelic trip, in which you took enough to dismantle / deconstruct the majority of beliefs about who you are...but not enough that all of them deconstructed. In any future endeavors, do proper research. It is not then. It’s now. Focusing on the past in that way is clearly not serving you, and you have had enough of that. Allow the proper wanting & orienting to the your wanted future, with the dreamboard. 

It is not “so deep embedded”. There isn’t any actual second prior to now, there isn’t any second following now. It’s just always now. If any concerns seem to be from a past, they are not. Carrying that weight, carrying that concern, is called “carrying”, because you would literally have to carry it “into” the now, carrying it everywhere you go, for it to seem like it “from the past”. You can let it go.  “It”, is a thought, right now, and that is all. It is up to you to begin choosing to put your focus toward what you want. You’re free to, always. No one could ever take that freedom from you. It would not be possible. The more you focus on it, the more you repeat it, the realer, the more “here now” it will appear to be. If you were to drop it now, in a month you wouldn’t be thinking about it at all. (Because you let it go). Always up to you. 

[Nadosa]

Uff, Nahm, I just meditated, and thoughts got triggered. Thoughts about my "identity-loss" and seeing-through about 3 years ago and I instantly felt like if I identify with them I might go crazy. But I did and my body instanty started zapping and shaking, as if it made no sense that I am here. Then of course I asked myself why do I have such delusions which brought on more anxiety. I mean I CANNOT DENY NOT HAVING THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I can recall them exactly as they were three years ago. How are they not part of me? Why shouldn't they be true? If they weren't true why do they still come and when I identify with them, they make me feel so "dead" about "my person"? 

Something happened 3 years ago and I am broken inside because I cant make internal peace with it. Something still lives on but it doesn't make sense for some part of my mind. It feels like I can only live without mind. I cannot logically pinpoint what I am or what is here. I AM DEAD. 

I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON. It is terrifying. All I know is, that it is irreversible.

Two minutes of this story and my body feels sick to the bone. That's insane. And I cant stop but checking in about this because it all feels so "valid", "true".

Maybe I have to suffer this life. Maybe that is my fate. Because I dont know how to deal. I live, but these mind attacks bring me to my knees, so bitterly the deeper I dive into them. I cant pinpoint why. But they feel like they are PART of my identity. 

The Truth is, I've been carrying this story with me for the last couple of years. I cant let it go. But it keeps me from forming a new "personality", because it leaves me caged and with a low-self esteem. Because there is no self. 

Even if I write it on a piece of paper "I am here and did not die 3 years ago", it is hard to believe that phrase without feeling strange.

Edited May 25, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

With brevity, short phrases, what are the thoughts arising?

[Nadosa]

I would not say thoughts.

It is a deep buried habit accompanied with massive anxiety and delusion that I entertained lots of years, based on my person. I switched between habits like 10 times a day.

Basically take the thought "I". 3 years ago I dwelled about "I", it just popped up randomly from the back of my mind (shorty after recovering from DPDR) and it felt as if there was no other way but to let "I" go. It felt like "a no return state". A no return to "normal". 

It felt like if I let go of that "habit", this person, I'd let go of "myself" and "die", thus I keep reidentifying with this habit, keep checking in. And it gives me the same feeling and story: "There is no I". Further story goes on in my head: "WHO is it then sitting here, if I am not here?" "This all makes no sense that I am here". 

The letting go of "dwelling" about "I" and my "person" ITSELF feels like "death".

 

This is basically what I feel.

[Nadosa]

Isnt it strange. It just feels like a trauma. Because I cant say whether these thoughts and feelings are true or not. But it isn't particularly thoughts either. It is just an explanation about my feelings. It actually makes me feel as if my feelings tell me to hold on to habits and not to let go.

Letting go of a strong Ego always leads to sudden insanity for me.

Edited May 25, 2020 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Sent you a message.