Mushroom Trip Notes - Awakening to Myself as God

[StripedGiraffe]

I ate 3 grams of Penis Envy Mushrooms (Lemon Tek). I had the deepest awakening of my life. Here are my notes (converted from voice recordings). This was my fourth awakening (One sober, one on Aya, two on Mushrooms.) I had another awakening on mushrooms like 10 days ago which was deeply profound, but this most recent trip blows that one out of the water. Looking forward to going deeper in the near future. Hope you enjoy

 

I realized that I just keep forgetting over and over again that I'm not in control. God is the unstoppable force and anything other than total surrender to it is insanity. Ego is basically resistance and therefore, by this logic, insanity. Identity is like a struggle against the river of surrender to God.

The fear of psychedelics because of losing control is irrational because we lose control completely every single night in our dreams. Also, we specifically face our deepest subconscious fears in our dreams and we experience our dreams as if they are reality because we are not conscious that they are just dreams. That also connects to how our waking fears are irrational but we're not conscious enough to realize that our identity and therefore, all fear is an illusion.

God is constantly morphing and changing. There's no way it can be conceptualized because it's absolutely everything. It's so total. It's the fabric of everything. There is nothing more fundamental.

This whole identity that I take so seriously is so fucking laughable, it's just a joke. My ego identity is just as true as anything. Everything is true and false simultaneously, but I hold my identity as so important, but it's not who I am. I am so much more.

Telling people that reality is an illusion is a nearly guaranteed way to make people demonize you and discredit you because it threatens their sense of reality and their ego. Telling people that they don't exist is pretty much the last thing they're willing to accept.

Even though I see all of these amazing visuals, I am still aware that this is not exclusively God because anything that you point to is not it. It's everything.

Everything I say is still missing the point. There is no point, lol. But the point I'm trying to make is that everything I am asking and searching for when it comes to God and Truth, I AM IT. Just be it and surrender to it. It doesn't get any deeper than that.

Nothing could ever be closer or further away from God than anything else. No matter how far you run from God, you're still in the exact same place. You're still God. You cannot run away from it. You just are.

There's nothing contradicting about using logic and rationality and being conscious of the divinity simultaneously.

I became aware of a demon I've been fighting my whole life about there not being enough time. This is so silly because time is something I invented. I have infinite time.

One of the most fundamental differences between normal waking consciousness and my mushroom trip is that with normal consciousness, I am clinging to my identity and therefore unconsciously defending it, as I must in order to perpetuate the illusion. Basically everything I say is just a projection to defend my ego.

I realized that I was unconsciously trying to attain a higher level of consciousness or an ego-death experience. Then, I realized that it cannot be attained this way. I just have to realize that I already am it (God).

All descriptions of God are completely delusional, including my own. Everything basically boils down to infinite delusion. This creates a strange loop of everything being delusional and everything being true simultaneously. Falsehood and delusion are identical to reality. It's all the same thing. This entire psychedelic experience cannot be grasped or remembered accurately because it is so complex, deep, and constantly changing. This is why a trip cannot be well explained or conceptualized. No symbol could communicate or represent the experience with a high degree of accuracy.

This trip has such a strong theme of me trying to figure out what God is and what I am. It also has a deep undertone of me trying to control.

It's more accurate to say I'm a human dream than a human being. The tricky part is, what is the "I". It seems to be continually morphing, like it's not steady, like it's not real. Yet there is one steady presence.

There's no fundamental difference between my rational mind and my intuitive mind. It's all part of the same source. It's all part of the same dream.

Surrender is not what I thought it was. I used to hold this idea that surrender means to be at ease with what is going on in this moment. It's like there's multiple layers or dimensions to what's happening. Let's say, for example, I feel anxious about talking to a woman. On one dimension, I'm doing it; the words are coming out. On another dimension you’re thinking; all of these anxious thoughts flowing through your mind. I also might be thinking that surrender would be the experience of talking to this girl without anxious thoughts. But what I realized is that there's no winning that game. There are always infinite dimensions and factors at play. Total surrender means accepting all of it exactly as it is. Surrender is realizing there is no surrender. It all just is exactly how it is. It was like I transcended the duality of surrender and non-surrender and discovered Surrender. It was like accepting the Isness totally, including all resistance. I surrendered to the resistance, and in a paradoxical way, resistance no longer existed. This insight is specifically hard to explain but this was a massive insight for me with an enormous energetic release. It was like a metaphysical orgasm. My cat was deeply concerned about me lol.

I also had new deeper insights into divine feminine and masculine. I no longer understand these forces as just certain parts of the One but as an all-encompassing duality. Masculine is the primary being or isness of God. It's about owning what you are by being it. It shows up in people through confidence and courage. Counter-intuitively, the most attractive thing possible is to completely own who I am, knowing that all I have to do is be who I am, and yet the feminine will always be attracted to Me. There will always be the other half to love Me and to help Me accept what I am. Feminine is the acceptance, love, and reaction to the Masculine. Of course, these are not absolutely True. This is only a relative truth. In Truth, these forces are one.

My deepest fear both as a human and as my God-self is of what I am. My deepest fear is accepting Myself and all of my infinite beauty.

If anyone could be selfless enough to be totally honest as a spiritual teacher, they would be one of the greatest teaches in the world, or maybe they would just come off as completely insane. Or both. A great spiritual teacher must find balance by grounding his message in truth and authenticity and also present it in a way that will be understood by considering the psychology of his audience.

All of my egoic concerns, questions, worries, and anxieties, all seem so fucking petty and delusional. The deeper I can accept Being, the more peace and bliss there is.

I'm in the middle of a massive fucking Awakening. How do I describe this?  It's so fundamental. It transcends all human knowledge! I shed so much fucking delusion. But, I'm as thick in the delusion as when I began! There's nothing but delusion! It's all made up. It's all imaginary. Infinite delusion: that's what reality is! Everything I'm saying right now is completely fucking delusional. Of Course! Self-acceptance is the theme of this trip. I'm not talking about my human self. The human self is so fucking petty compared to my actual infinite Self.

3-D reality is challenging but it is not punishment. It's actually a gift. A lot of what we're doing is this metaphysical dance of grasping and clinging to reality, purging delusions, and clinging to new delusions. This reality is something to be cherished. It's so beautiful. Remember to be grateful for it. "Physical reality" gives us stability. It's something to be grounded in. This "3-D Matrix reality" gives us the experience of having a stable, tangible reality that allows for amazing experiences that would not otherwise be possible.

There is no difference between fantasy and reality, or between true and untrue.

Clearly, a fundamental shift happened I this trip where I stopped thinking of me as a human and started thing of Me as in God.

The claim that everything is a delusion seems fake when you're grounded in physical reality until you realize that the "real" beliefs that you are grounded in are also delusional.

One way to sum up this awakening is the realization that reality is completely fucking magic. It's completely bonkers, amazing, grand, and unthinkable. People just don't realize it because they're too caught up in delusions of survival. Survival is delusional because the self everyone is trying to preserve doesn't exist. This problem is so tricky, it's godly. This awakening was so incredibly deep, but it had nothing to do with learning any new facts. It was just a deeper realization of what I am.

Any time I feel tension arise and I try to argue with someone, I am most definitely wrong. This statement is also delusional.

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by StripedGiraffe

[Gili Trawangan]

Great! Wonderful read, thanks for sharing.

[SilentTears]

Great post! Like the person above it was a wonderful read indeed. You pretty much summed up what I’ve been experiencing these past few days. 

 

[allislove]

Cool trip report. Now, I have a desire to full trip again, thanks ?

> This awakening was so incredibly deep, but it had nothing to do with learning any new facts.

 There is no new facts, you are already know everything ☝️

[fridjonk]

@StripedGiraffe Incredible trip report, beautiful!    

[Consilience]

This is amazing! Thank you for taking the time to write this.