purposefully ruining my life

[Viking]

idk why im doing it but im detaching myself from everything, repressing all emotions and not taking responsibility for my life. i feel like i could do the opposite but i just dont do it. i feel like im slightly going crazy. 

you might say "it's your choice, just do it" but i still wont do it lol.

i know life can be good if i put work into it but i dont really care, i just dont want to do anything. i know life can be bad if i wont do the things i have to and i dont want to live that life yet i still dont do anything.

i feel like this situation is just worsening of my notions previously in life when i was my whole teens lazy and detached from everyone and everything. i basically was raised with a silver spoon so now i dont want to exert any effort to achieve anything.

you might also say that this is caused by my thought patterns and i should change them or give them up but that takes too much effort so i just wont do it

I don't know why im writing this post, as it sounds like im just whining. maybe some part of me hopes for some magical solution or some insight as to why i am this way.

[remember]

hey sausage dog, you probably don’t remember. do you not like to do anything? taking walks or riding a bike, listening to music maybe even making music, cooking? don’t you have hobbys? i know that’s a school question - someone asked me that recently while i did an italian course in miracles, it was kind of refreshing to think about the really rudimentary things i liked to do once. sometimes a new love is an old one - some of these things you liked to do as a child.

...like a walk in the park, it’s amore.

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Commodent]

If you could design your life from the ground up, is this how you would want it to be? It's easy being lazy when you have no intrinsic motivation to do anything else.

[Viking]

@remember nothing brings me that much enjoyment. some things are ok but aren't worth the trouble of doing them

15 minutes ago, Commodent said:

If you could design your life from the ground up, is this how you would want it to be? It's easy being lazy when you have no intrinsic motivation to do anything else.

no it's not how i would want it to be but the point is i dont want to put in the effort. i also dont believe i can truly enjoy things anymore, as if it's not a part of my physiology. i havent truly enjoyed things for more than 6 years i believe

i have a feeling as if people who enjoy themselves must be deluded in some way

Edited March 12, 2020 by Viking

[remember]

7 minutes ago, Viking said:

 

@remember nothing brings me that much enjoyment. some things are ok but aren't worth the trouble of doing them

 

they are worth the trubble only after doing them. do you still want to answer to that hobby question? if you would contemplate into it it would maybe be worth the trouble.  it is possible to be productive and enjoying yourself at the same time. italians teaches me its a delusion not to enjoy yourself, and for the happiness index they are right. no one else can make pizza out of tomato and cheese bread.

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Viking]

2 minutes ago, remember said:

they are worth the trubble only after doing them. do you still want to answer to that hobby question? if you would contemplate into it it would maybe be worth the trouble.

i mean those things dont bring that much satisfaction after i do them, so they're not worth it.

i do have hobbies. in fact it's the things i liked to do as a kid. but last few years they just became unfulfilling and boring

[remember]

9 minutes ago, Viking said:

i do have hobbies. in fact it's the things i liked to do as a kid.

like? now i‘m curious.

i would like to do that time travel with you if you‘d invite me.

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Javfly33]

I'm the same. I got almost all my areas of life covered except socialising. I should be picking up girls but I just won't so I'm still a fucking virgin

 

[remember]

@Javfly33 could you refrain from using that kind of speech? i‘m a little sick of all the sexually loaded aggressive speech - even if autoaggressive. its like i get a headache everytime someone has to somehow verbally use sexuality in an aggressive or autoaggressive way. why do that to yourself?

sometimes wonder if it’s even possible to talk about „normal“ stuff here sometimes - everything is always in the superlatives. i also like the supernormal. its like with sausagedogs hobies i would just love to talk about some everyday stuff and how to integrate activities which are fun to do, or talk about how to change a situation more profoundly.

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Viking]

21 minutes ago, remember said:

like? now i‘m curious.

i would like to do that time travel with you if you‘d invite me.

i always loved videogames and tv shows. last few years it just stopped feeling as good.

18 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I'm the same. I got almost all my areas of life covered except socialising. I should be picking up girls but I just won't so I'm still a fucking virgin

hmm that could be the reason for my lack if interest, as im 8 months already in almost isolation. socialize maybe once a few weeks

[DrewNows]

@Viking You could work on following through with the ambitions that arise. Flowing with life isn’t about force or putting in the work, it’s about allowing things to happen, letting go of the resistance and your need to know, appreciating the potential but not getting lost in over-rationalizing , enjoying every opportunity you have to deepen your connection with yourself and, in turn, with every situation/test that arises. Presence is going to enable you to take small steps in the direction that will bring more clarity and faith in learning and growing as you go 

[remember]

@Viking what kind of games? despite ego shooters? are there special games you liked? 

i mean rather the type of game than the name of the game - i‘m not a gamer. but  i can understand the dynamic in a sense. was there something else you liked as a kid like climbing or playing with sticks or drawing? there must have been a time before gaming.

you know there are people who went from gamers to subway riders. not that i would recommend sth like that, but i could imagine climbing or parcour to give you some cicks. these are sports you could do with others - it’s not even difficult to start.

i want to play a choose and pick game with you, the rules are as following: 

you choose one activity which sounds interesting for yourself during the next week, one you can start without a lot of effort, it must be one where you have to learn a body/mind skill and you also start doing it within the next week. if you don’t you lost the game.

tell me if you are in 

by the way i read something interesting lately about stopping to react and starting to be responsive - i think this could be a good start.

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Viking]

16 minutes ago, remember said:

are there special games you liked? 

games that required thinking

@DrewNows ill try to do that, thanks. just let go of the resistance. i feel even though i have all those negative emotions im almost as aware of my emotions as on a meditation retreat, so ill just try to let go of the resistance.

[remember]

parcour requires a lot of thinking. it’s just that you connect the body (your console) with the thinking organ.

[DrewNows]

@Viking yeah man just seek to understand the negative emotions rather than judging them, they show up because of false stories beliefs and projections. Quicker the negative energies flow out the sooner they can be replaced with positive ones but in either case try not to take them too serious, we can be fueled for expansion on all energy 

[Javfly33]

39 minutes ago, remember said:

@Javfly33 could you refrain from using that kind of speech? i‘m a little sick of all the sexually loaded aggressive speech - even if autoaggressive. its like i get a headache everytime someone has to somehow verbally use sexuality in an aggressive or autoaggressive way. why do that to yourself?

sometimes wonder if it’s even possible to talk about „normal“ stuff here sometimes - everything is always in the superlatives. i also like the supernormal. its like with sausagedogs hobies i would just love to talk about some everyday stuff and how to integrate activities which are fun to do, or talk about how to change a situation more profoundly.

@remember LoL then you should have seen my porn tastes a while ago. Now i outgrowned them because I love myself a little bit and I almost don't find them arousing anymore. But they were pure auto-humilating to degrees that im not sure if it was psychologycally safe. Is not so un-commom btw. I guess it just common between people with low-self-love?  I mean I appreciate your message because I know you mean it well but also don't be offended bro because I have enough with what I have LoL

[crab12]

@Viking It's never the case that you purposefully sabotage yourself. There's always a hidden motivation to protect yourself / benefit yourself in some twisted way. It just looks like self-sabotage on the surface.

26 minutes ago, Viking said:

just let go of the resistance. i feel even though i have all those negative emotions im almost as aware of my emotions as on a meditation retreat, so ill just try to let go of the resistance.

Yes, the reason you can't do what you want is because you have massive internal resistance aka you are internally conflicted. You are like a boat where half of the oarsmen are rowing in one direction and the other half in the opposite direction, so you just spin in around circles going nowhere. To save you from a wall of text watch this:

 

[remember]

@Javfly33 sis- you did not actually assume i was a guy did you? that’s another part i‘m getting rather sick of. in the beginning i used to check the gender  of the people here on a regular base, but now i only do if i get a feeling it could be a woman - because most guys make it so rare. it’s really annoying that the forum has in many cases this ego male supremacy thing going on, even the women have it, i have a survival agenda, too. i respect that a lot of people are fighting to get over their addictions and codependencies - but sometimes i feel like i also just want to be treated as a „normal person“ which i am. sometimes i ask myself why guys treat each other that way, maybe i‘d rather ask why women treat women the same way - why it’s getting so rough all the time. your porn taste was probably a hint towards where you have to work on a lot. these dynamics just point towards deeper issues - but your sexual life is your life, i‘m sure if you like „weird“ stuff you will more likely find someone fast than people who just search for some „nice“ girl with a certain physiognomy. (sorry without assuming you might like guys)

Edited March 12, 2020 by remember

[Sizeable Oof]

@Viking

Yo I identify with you a lot. Like, right now I'm not like that but I used to be for a long time, and I was also detached as a kid/young adult especially.

I think that it's rational thinking in a sense - why on earth would you want to make any effort in this life? Life's a bitch and for some people just getting to a place where their effort is worthwhile is in itself too much effort and not worth it. Fighting to change your thought patterns is really hard.

 

I think what you are really is God wanting to experience being lazy and lowkey feeling sorry for yourself/being passive about life, but in a sneaky kind of way, not too blunt

AND - I think that one day you will have exhausted this mindset and will start to make a change. I feel like it'll happen effortlessly for you - like, you just get to a point one day when you'll be tired with that. At least that's what happened to me.

[dvdas]

It seems you just seek comfortation. Well if I was your father I would just throw you out of the house and tell you to create your own life. Of course if I had everything served to me I would be the same way, like most of us would be. Just get your ass outhere and eat some shit, then you will see why things are serious. 

Seriously why take anything seriously if you have all the comforts, stop being a mummy boy, get your ass outhere and be your own man. 

If you dont do it now, life will do it at some point, just don't get to old, the suffering will be unbearable