Thoughts Journal

[Milos Uzelac]

March10th

Short conversation with a seeming social outcast and maybe a 15 year and older electric pole falling 3 minutes after I passed it. 

I've started thinking during my breath focus meditation for this procrastinated study session I have now for a quick test tommorow.

About the seemingly random event that happened in my proximity today. One metal pole for connecting cords conducting electricity to power trolley's (excuse me if I am lacking more accurate terms in English I need to work on expanding my vocabulary), that were parked there, fell over on the sidewalk beside the traffic road were people pass by near one of my capital's city's central parks, after probably having a base connected to the ground that cracked from rust after not being replaced for probably 15 years. 

That trolley stop that that old pole is located for the electricity conduct cables that the trolley's are connected to with rods is diagonal to that central park for students to gather since it is right smack in the center between different faculties facing each other that are part of the Belgrade University in one of city centers, so the "Student Park", as it is called, is an often spot for students from different faculties to come to sit and talk during breaks. 

So I was going on the break form lectures to to the park go socialize with some people from my sociology department that were already there and to get there was walking on the sidewalk that passes the trolley stop and where that pole is. 3 minutes right after I passed the old metal pole it made an electric spark on the interconnected cable cords and it fell on the sidewalk luckily missing any pedestrians and not hitting any trolley's. 

Before that happened a local wandering poor rugged (thug looking) man approached our group in the park and started trying to sell us sketches that he drew of a girl and a guy in our group. We knew him from before and didn't buy them from him then since we remembered that's what he does and that he already sold us some sketches that he drew of us while we were sitting before. He I sensed had a strange kindness (or simply salesman strategy for potential couples) in him since when he saw a boy or a girl sitting together even if they just met or were just friends, would sketch them as if they were a couple facing and looking at each other affectionately.

I struck up a conversation with him about him taking some prescription medication for panic attacks and he claimed to be suffering from schizophrenia (though he seems to be delusional and that he wanted to portray him self as a victim of life in general, fate or events bigger than him to others or in his mind which life unfairly struck with every possible mental illness, I could be unfairly skeptical to him seemed like it to me). He then prided himself in taking risks with taking microdosage of LSD aside from prescription medication, since he thinks taking risks that may worsen his mental state or have a bad trip that may traumatise him badly and permanently is all part of a daily struggle of life and proving himself to be fearless person who doesn't fear any consequences of actions that he takes mostly impulsively and just rather takes the risk when there is an opportunity and when other people on the street challenge him to do it, that's how at least I interpreted of him wanting to portray himself to others. 

He said to me "Why not take the risk, when I might as well be accidentally hit by some car and be killed , what do I have to lose?" 

And then he recalled while speaking to me about his friends or people he knew that he lost, during the economic and political crisis in the 90s and 00s in this country, he didn't mention how he lost them (didn't want to ask then and there at that moment when my colleagues were around but I felt a slight compassionate need to ask him more questions about his life and how he got where his now and talk to him more but felt a restrain of being in a group and indecisiveness in breaking up with the group and talking him to him one on one for a while) but I think it maybe in a violent criminal shotout, in an car accident or drug overdose related. 

He then said to me (paraphrasing) "That Lord Jesus guy up there (pointing to the sky) he has some plan for all of us, we all live our life in some kind of divine providence according to his plan." 

Then just I nodded (I was kinda nervous and didnt feel like it that I wanted to talk him or question him about this since he seemed to me to be impulsive and maybe prone to a violent move if he took some comment or question the wrong way as degrading him personally or insulting his intelligence or maybe I was to distrustful to him (though sometimes I don't have that with some strangers that approach me and I talk to)) and he had a conversation with my colleague with some his sketches that were scattered around the park before and then he parted ways with us tumbling a bit probably a bit drunk. 

Then right afterwards we moved to a different seat and I heard the noise and my friend said she saw sparks and that a pole near the trolley stop fell on the sidewalk . 

It was 3 minutes after I passed it and had a short conversation with that guy. I had depressive and fatigue like state (because of accumulated unconscious actions, regrets and emotional repression because of a myriad of actions I took and choose that I won't get into now) during rest of the day in classes. 

But when I came back to my grandparents home I had this feeling stuck with me of the lightness and release after recollecting this event. 

When I meditated just now I had this feeling and perception of my being as being light and an emotional depressive or numbness earlier this day (tommorow midday now according to my time zone) of calling death or an external quick pain relief event to end it but after that event have the feeling (sort of fatalistic I guess) that I sort of don't choose when I die or that when I feel like I want to end the pain I will be shown in some event the sensitivity and thin between life and death and yet being somehow in my gut feeling miles away from death not determined for it, that's sort of my thinking now.

When I have a hateful feeling or a lack of care for my life I will be shown a warning sign or lesson that there is no guarantee for me just being human and being financially backed in the market that I will have some immunity from being close to death, that's what I want also take from this. And that somehow there is some spontaneity in life and also scriptedness that I feel sometimes in lucky moments as flow and on which I can't force my ego survival story, mind, desires or wishes on. 

This may look incoherent and I apologise for sentence errors and mistakes that I am to sleepy and lazy now to correct, just wanted to write this out  and store it somewhere as an remberance collection of those, I want phrase it as, magic like and at the same time seemingly, in my gut, almost scripted events in life, where its almost like you receive an almost direct note, signal, warning or message from it. 

 

Edited March 11, 2020 by Milos Uzelac