Self Love But Dont Want To Be Selfish

[jes]

I am in process of learning and enjoying the beauty of self love , And sometimes being me with myself gives me intense pleasure and I feel fulfilled , But there is fine line of selfishness which i do not want to cross while I am indulged in self love .

I am writing some examples here

I want to become assertive but don't want to hurt anyone

I want to be a listener but not crap of other people

I want to help but not helping in producing dramas 

I want to be me simultaneously want to play a role of my relationship beautifully ( like a daughter) 

what do you think my actualized.org family ??????

Edited June 22, 2016 by jes

[Salaam]

You can have all of that with balance. Not a binary balance, but a trinity balance. So it's not just about "you", not just about "me", and not just about "us", but all three at the same time. "My World, Her World, Shared World" I call it.

You can be assertive, without being aggressive. Firm, but gentle. You can learn to recognize that the pain of not getting what we want, can be a positive or constructive moment of stress, if it teaches or develops self-restraint and a respect for others. So having boundaries and telling people "no" firmly, but gently, can be an act of love or positivity for all three worlds, even if the other person might not understand it at that time.

We can be selective about what we are willing to listen to, steering the focus towards constructive and positive outcomes, without making the other person feel unheard or unseen. Some people won't like that and that's fine, they have the ability to find someone else to share with, but others will and you can then enjoy building and sharing in constructive conversations.

We can learn the difference between helping/supporting others and trying to "save" them, so our effort to help isn't wasted. We can balance our desire to help, with a discernment of how likely it is the effort, will go towards helping them to develop self-sufficiency. We can't live another person's life for them and everyone at some point and time has to move on from infancy and needing constant tending. 

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the last one.

Anyways, we are allowed to have standards and ways in which we wish to be treated. We shouldn't desire to oppress others with those standards, but fear of oppression does not mean, doing away with standards and self-respect/boundaries all together.

Honestly, in my experience. It is the people without boundaries and standards in place, who violate the space of others the most.

[Zephyr]

Idk about you but from personal experience what really causes to to become selfish is through not loving & accepting myself. 

If you accept and love yourself it's going to be hard to be unkind towards others.

[jes]

1 hour ago, Salaam said:

You can have all of that with balance. Not a binary balance, but a trinity balance. So it's not just about "you", not just about "me", and not just about "us", but all three at the same time. "My World, Her World, Shared World" I call it.

You can be assertive, without being aggressive. Firm, but gentle. You can learn to recognize that the pain of not getting what we want, can be a positive or constructive moment of stress, if it teaches or develops self-restraint and a respect for others. So having boundaries and telling people "no" firmly, but gently, can be an act of love or positivity for all three worlds, even if the other person might not understand it at that time.

We can be selective about what we are willing to listen to, steering the focus towards constructive and positive outcomes, without making the other person feel unheard or unseen. Some people won't like that and that's fine, they have the ability to find someone else to share with, but others will and you can then enjoy building and sharing in constructive conversations.

We can learn the difference between helping/supporting others and trying to "save" them, so our effort to help isn't wasted. We can balance our desire to help, with a discernment of how likely it is the effort, will go towards helping them to develop self-sufficiency. We can't live another person's life for them and everyone at some point and time has to move on from infancy and needing constant tending. 

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the last one.

Anyways, we are allowed to have standards and ways in which we wish to be treated. We shouldn't desire to oppress others with those standards, but fear of oppression does not mean, doing away with standards and self-respect/boundaries all together.

Honestly, in my experience. It is the people without boundaries and standards in place, who violate the space of others the most.

very nice , Truly its an art to learn , a skill to develop

[jes]

1 hour ago, Salaam said:

'm not sure what you're trying to say with the last one.

you can ask question ? 

[Salaam]

21 minutes ago, jes said:

you can ask question ? 

I guess in that example  you're saying that you want to be you or who you choose to be, while still being able to enjoy sharing in certain roles, like being a daughter?

If that's accurate, then yea, with balance we can be like a jewel, with many different facets and sides. Allowing the sides we want to rise to the surface as we choose. Like for me with my wife, I can play the role of husband, partner, lover, friend, and so many other things, all the while still being a person who is MORE than just all of those roles. And what's more is my wife also recognizes and appreciates that I am more than those roles.

It's nice to have people who don't try to limit or cage you into one single box or label or category. People who understand there is always more under the surface and who enjoy experiencing those different sides as they surface and express in their own time and space.

Women especially appreciate that. There is so much... shit, that comes from people trying to force women into these marginalized little roles, because they are uncomfortable with taking the time to understand and enjoy all a woman can be and express to others.

[jes]

34 minutes ago, Salaam said:

I guess in that example  you're saying that you want to be you or who you choose to be, while still being able to enjoy sharing in certain roles, like being a daughter?

If that's accurate, then yea, with balance we can be like a jewel, with many different facets and sides. Allowing the sides we want to rise to the surface as we choose. Like for me with my wife, I can play the role of husband, partner, lover, friend, and so many other things, all the while still being a person who is MORE than just all of those roles. And what's more is my wife also recognizes and appreciates that I am more than those roles.

It's nice to have people who don't try to limit or cage you into one single box or label or category. People who understand there is always more under the surface and who enjoy experiencing those different sides as they surface and express in their own time and space.

Women especially appreciate that. There is so much... shit, that comes from people trying to force women into these marginalized little roles, because they are uncomfortable with taking the time to understand and enjoy all a woman can be and express to others.

thank you for sharing your personal story , it inspires me

[qbit]

On 6/22/2016 at 8:24 AM, Salaam said:

You can have all of that with balance. Not a binary balance, but a trinity balance. So it's not just about "you", not just about "me", and not just about "us", but all three at the same time. "My World, Her World, Shared World" I call it.

You can be assertive, without being aggressive. Firm, but gentle. You can learn to recognize that the pain of not getting what we want, can be a positive or constructive moment of stress, if it teaches or develops self-restraint and a respect for others. So having boundaries and telling people "no" firmly, but gently, can be an act of love or positivity for all three worlds, even if the other person might not understand it at that time.

We can be selective about what we are willing to listen to, steering the focus towards constructive and positive outcomes, without making the other person feel unheard or unseen. Some people won't like that and that's fine, they have the ability to find someone else to share with, but others will and you can then enjoy building and sharing in constructive conversations.

We can learn the difference between helping/supporting others and trying to "save" them, so our effort to help isn't wasted. We can balance our desire to help, with a discernment of how likely it is the effort, will go towards helping them to develop self-sufficiency. We can't live another person's life for them and everyone at some point and time has to move on from infancy and needing constant tending. 

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the last one.

Anyways, we are allowed to have standards and ways in which we wish to be treated. We shouldn't desire to oppress others with those standards, but fear of oppression does not mean, doing away with standards and self-respect/boundaries all together.

Honestly, in my experience. It is the people without boundaries and standards in place, who violate the space of others the most.

This is an excellent answer to a question many people can relate to, myself included! There seems to be an epidemic of "codependency" in the culture I grew up. From a young age I was taught by my family and friends(?) to equate "love" with self-denial for the benefit of others. As a woman especially, I was conditioned to feel ashamed of having ambitious dreams or self-esteem if my reasons for being happy didn't match up with the expectations others set for me. Up until recently, I was in a romantic relationship with a person who was in the throws of a deep depression, which left him/her feeling numb, isolated, and withdrawn. S/he cared for me, but was unable to meet me half-way in a reciprocal relationship. We ended up parting because of that. We both realized the need to work on ourselves. Both of us happen to come from abusive households. As a result, we have some work to do in order to overcome the developmental roadblocks in our path by learning to value and take care of ourselves first and foremost. It's hard not to feel selfish doing this, but with each passing day, it's been getting easier for me (as I hope it will for all of you too).

I'm at a rather weird junction in my own life where I'm learning to set boundaries for the first time. Up until quite recently, I have been systematically conditioned by my family to expect my physical and psychological boundaries to be violated; so as a protective mechanism, I learned at a young age not to have personal boundaries. My mother told me that it was "selfish" to do things for myself. During one particular instance when I was a teenager, she accompanied me to day-long retreat at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. I wanted to learn how to be happy on without conditions. My mother had nothing but criticism for my efforts at the end of the day. On the car ride home, she denigrated the teacher (Jack Kornfield), calling him "godless" and "smug" and glibly mentioning that the attendees had no "real" problems. 

 

At the time, her words hurt me deeply since I took them to heart. After that, I was afraid to mention anything about personal development out of fear of being judged as "selfish." After finding a good community of friends online and in person, I gradually overcame most of my aversion to being labeled as "selfish." My friends taught me what real, reciprocal exchanges are all about. They taught me to love myself and that I have no obligation to martyr myself the way my mother did. I can see which people are truly happy and doing good things for the world. They are not the judgmental types who sit around doing little more than micromanaging and gossip. They are the ones who are the most destructive kind of selfish: malignant narcissists. 

Keep thinking for yourselves, peeps. Don't let corruption in the world and at home bring you down. Trust your intuition, logic, and the people who truly love you and inspire you. Take excellent care of yourselves!

Sincerely with love, qbit <3

[Gabriel David Gomez]

Be indifferent to your own selfishness and still accomplish what is unselfish. Then bring what you did outwardly which was non-selfish in the form of knowledge and learn to love the result more than you loved only treating yourself. Do not forget to tend to yourself, but find ways you can contribute to others at the same time. For me, when i study the human condition I study myself and find that which will apply to everyone, so that all can benefit from my studies.

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

@jes

Matt Kahn has what I consider to be the best answer to this question. It completely transcends the paradox and goes much deeper upon that. To vastly oversimplify it: the solution is service of yourselves and others because we all share- title drop- a cosmic heart. This is an hour and half well spent. Trust me.

 

[Kacper Wielunski]

@qbit

Wow just simply wow. You are trully a strong person for making it in such hard and unsupporting enviroment and to talk about it that takes something not many posses. In my opinion if some one wishes to help others he simply have to take care of himself at first. How can you help somebody when you cant help youreself ? Great wisdom comes from mastering self and than as a wise being you can start helping others truly. Even budda was for 6 years looking for his anwsers and after becoming enlightened he was able to help others. I am sure that one day your mother will thank you for making your own choices friend!