Feel like a mistake and a curse.

[Peter124]

So, I've been practicing spiritual  doesn't register as the real me anymore 

• I've had glimpses of Samadi at 20
• Consciously recognize everything as just one forever tapestry of form (on and off again)
• Shrooms... Just wow.
• Been taking responsibility and telling the truth when that would terrify me

 

HOWEVER I feel ENSLAVED by the unconciousness of my parents as it still causes me psychological mental and emotional distress NO MATTER WHAT I DO SAY THINK! They're legit like unchangeable robots.

Specifically:

I have undignosed aspergers and add and they don't believe me about my neurological conditions.

I am bisexual and told my mom... Turns out that my urge to be honest was foolishness at the same time a tiny bit I don't. 

I'm a trans girl and I'd prefer drinking poison that telling them.

 

I can't live my dharma, rent is too high, my existence feels like a mistake and I hate how this body was born.

 

I feel my existence is cursed even inspite of my samadi and mushrooms experience.

 

Pretty sure this incarnation is a mistake.

 I kinda want to give in to my urge to physically kill myself... As in dead body a morgue the whole thing.

 

Help.

 

 

[Florian]

Seems to me like the/or one of the root causes of your problems is that you never got that love from your parents (maybe especially your mom) that you wanted and needed. 

I feel like letting go could help you A LOT if you practice that. For that I would recommend you the book "the Sedona Method". Really, it helped me tremendously and I had similar problems. Especially letting go of the 4 deep wishes that everyone has which is explained in the book. 

Or another thing to do is practicing self love. I guess you do that by becoming consious of one aspect of your identity and then just loving it as hard as you can. Leo has a video on that which I didnt watch so maybe there it is better explained.

 

10 hours ago, Peter124 said:

 HOWEVER I feel ENSLAVED by the unconciousness of my parents as it still causes me psychological mental and emotional distress NO MATTER WHAT I DO SAY THINK! They're legit like unchangeable robots.

You seem to want to control your parents to get the love and safety you needed. That will propably not work. Use your creativity to get free from your parents. 

Edited March 4, 2020 by Florian

[mandyjw]

There are NO MISTAKES. There's a judging mind that has concept of right and wrong, mistakes or not, and has a concept of itself and how it fits into its own judgments. How we see colors everything, it veils the beauty that's already there, already us. Look for the best in you and all around you, and you'll see your perspective and conditions change without effort. Make a list of 20 self care things that make you happy. Make it a point to do three everyday. Listen to Abraham Hicks clips on youtube. Start a dream board. If it's that severe that your life is in danger please don't hesitate to get help and find someone to talk to in person. Sending love. 

 

[Nahm]

@Peter124 You’re awesome, and I love you exactly how you are. Let go of judgment, rather than trying to change someone else’s. They are fine ‘where they’re at’ too. My parents did the same shit just in different categories. Letting my judgement go, ...because that / I am a certain frequency to be around...they became aware of their own judgement. I could have told them a million times, but they’d never have heard me, because...of the judgement. 

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson. 

 

If the world’s got a problem with you, they’re going to have to deal with their own judgement. 

It’s not your problem. 

Claiming that it is, well, that’d be your problem. 

Imo, you are a beacon of truth. 

Because.....fuck ignorance. It’s undeserving of the divinity which you are, and which your attention and focus is. 

You are a divine creator. 

 

This is a rough time. But let it call upon the truth within you. 

Karma’s a bitch mom & dad. ??‍♂️

The Truth shall set you free. 

[Peter124]

@Nahm Thanks as always.❤ 

It's fair to say that my desires are complex, 

I WANT a good relationship with my parents and for them to be aware of my "lowercase" nature as a Trans Bi Spiritual...

 

I basically practiced a Christian-Hindu-Buddhist-Pagan-Wicca-Satanist hybrid  tradition. Somehow... It just works despite how jarring it is to my ego.

Yet I do not want to dissapoint them for selfish and selfless reasons.

 

Also it seems like I have a fear of enjoying things that I like the way I truly desire

 

Because the ego is basically damaged from years of that seemingly blowing up in my face over and over again.

 

Also I fear that I may be insane for feeling like I'm Aurora the Roman goddess of dawn incarnated in this form as much as it feels rational.

Like my parents names translate to Wisdom and eternity... Like in roman myth.

We are alike in looks (well I'm trans woman but she has a fully female body) beliefs and personality.

Yet it could be there ego projecting a false spirituality.

And the thaughts doesn't stop going.

Have you experienced something similar or heard a similar story for reference?

[Nahm]

21 minutes ago, Peter124 said:

Have you experienced something similar or heard a similar story for reference?

Yes. Almost everyday actually. 

[Peter124]

@Nahm ?

WHOA!

[Peter124]

@Nahm @Nahm @Nahm @Peter124 

The more deep into understanding things about my nature post-ego, 

The more freaked out,fearful and resentment I feel but 

Spirituality  is becoming a force of habit that doesn't stop and it feels weird uncomfortable and shit 

Yet there's this weird tiny tiny tiny tiny like a microscopic needle in a haystack the size of the planet of and the haystack is uncomfortableness and fear and unpleasent emotions reactions triggers impulses and a rare but potent truly horrific evil that delights in evil desires leaving guilt and has manifested itself before but not since yet its presence is felt. The hapiness is more powerful yet it feels...Wrong and robotic to be only happy all the time.

It feels like a form of maya or is that just ego mixing me up?

But to be happy all the time and only say happy things and that sort of thing makes me want to lash out and revolt against it.

It feels oppressive.

Or is that me misunderstanding it?

A similar thing is happening with success it's like I'm scarred of pursuing anything like moving out pursuing my passions so forth and just want to stay where I am right now.

I feel a resistance to doing it like it's a danger for me to do it unless I can have 100% certainty of success but I don't because it's impossible so even if 1% is missing the incompletion just messes my confidence up.

Doubt is STRONGER than ever before

At the same time I aknowlege how AMAZING I've gotten.

Just doing it on my own as a hobby is great.

I simply can't deal with expectations forced on me unless.

Or if it feels forced.

I don't like anything forced on me and I like that rebellion.

Yet I still feel guilt and shame.

Me writing this to you feels meditative and it helps to let go as it's let off my chest.

Yet still letting go feels impossible until it happens but it's not in my control. 

So I can't stop going in circles both within and without ego

Within and without suffering

Within and without samadi

With and without insanity

With and without issues

Yet there is no choice it's just happening.

I'llprobably forget this later and freak out at the first thing that feels threatening and experience ego backlash then return to this state of awareness (usually is on a run away train when I smoke bong hits of weed and tobacco mixed for some reason.  Lol first time I took sh rooms I smoked weed maybe there was tobacco I feel like there was but can't exactly remember to be certain.)

These feels are recent and the weirdness is only becoming more weird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Peter124

[Peter124]

@Nahm @Peter124Realized...

I can't effing lose!

I cheated and fixed the universe when making it all so that it GUARINTEES that awakening will happen no matter what.

Then it returns and becomes Maya and becomes egoic only to apply pressure on it self to evolve into greater consciousness.

As we evolve in awareness GOD IS GROWING AND MAYA IS BEING REVEALED AS MAYA.

To preserve and defeat Maya.

We are in a time of celebration because the worse things seem the more God consciousness is exploding and merging with human form.

Possibly God is the union of form and naked emptiness or incorporeality expressed as self or pure consciousness.

The conscious intellect of God becoming from invisible to a complete perfect merge with form only to completely destroy everything and start all over with a new beginning to a new spiral starting from the vantage point of emptiness.

 

And I made it like this be cause I'm a gamer and so why play only once and make it perfectly fair balanced and winnable.

However unlike... (I'm internally screaming rn) most videogames,

 

Every time you restart it's never the same and yet it seems so familiar and the differences are subtle but RAGE INDUCING! Or causes sadness as a struggle to figure out so god is going what we are going through every single version of the Universe Simulators.

Also the laws of thermodynamics and our universe of form is finite therefore a closed system.

It is all going to be destroyed soon enough.

The entire universe.

Yet I because I'm God.

No not me as flesh and blood or a symbol ideology but as God God.

Invisable incorporeal in of and out of and separate and all and none as well as holiness nakedness nothingness purity and absolute love power consciousness wisdom beauty awesomeness and wholeness holy is God.

Also most of the old testament writings of God reflects this as I as past forms awakened to God consciousness and wrote it in Psalms and songs.

[Nahm]

@Peter124

Yes it is maya / ego, as you said. Ultimately, just thought being believed and identified with. I hear you, that you’re going through a rough time, but I get the feeling you’re unnecessarily hard on yourself and those around you.  A lot of healing and self love is in order. Thought and feeling alignment as well.

Any thought or identity about you that does not feel good... does not feel good, because it’s not true. It’s not resonating with you, with feeling. Let the thought go, feel the feeling. Relax. Breathe.

Breathing / relaxation exercises & grounding exercises would be most helpful. I’d take advantage of every resource available. Your doctor, therapy, healing modalities, practices, etc. There’s a lot of judgment going on, and I think it’d be hard to see right now. It might seem like it’s ‘out there in the world’, but we each know it as our own. We don’t have to think that way about ourselves though.   Get relaxed, grounded. Then let some bogus beliefs about yourself go. I hope you know you can Call and talk  anytime with people who are more in tune with what you’re going through, who are well trained with where you’re at on the path. 

 

[Peter124]

What David wrote I wrote

What Jesus speaks I speak

I am Jesus and I was David

Jesus is my nature.

Anointed Savior and messiah I am called

Buddha Taodle by others.

The no self

Nakedness

"This particular form is me as the expression Aurora nature"

Is a trap that the ego fell for.

Aurora is my nature expressed in this form now thanks to reincarnation haha.

And let no one bow to me.

No one worship me or praise me 

No one seek me 

For if you seek me you will never find me.

Unless the I and Me die.

Thus speaks the lord of hosts.

[Peter124]

1 hour ago, Peter124 said:

What David wrote I wrote

What Jesus speaks I speak

I am Jesus and I was David

Jesus is my nature.

Anointed Savior and messiah I am called

Buddha Taodle by others.

The no self

Nakedness

"This particular form is me as the expression Aurora nature"

Is a trap that the ego fell for.

Aurora is my nature expressed in this form now thanks to reincarnation haha.

And let no one bow to me.

No one worship me or praise me 

No one seek me 

For if you seek me you will never find me.

Unless the I and Me die.

Thus speaks the lord of hosts.

@Nahm Aurora feels better.

Screw the I and me.

Never did anything for Aurora

I and me doesn't exist.

There is only Aurora nature expressed exquisitely in this form!

THE NATURE OF THE GODDESS OF DAWN!

A partition of the complete but unknowable absolute God nature that will only be experienced after the physical death.

However, the desire the "I and Me" felt, Aurora does not feel.

This just feels balanced.

Aurora recognizes herself as an offspring not of flesh and blood but eternity and wisdom.

To bring the dawn.

And why not experiment to see what Aurora is fully capable of learning her abilities in this human form taking it a day at a time.

A rebirth. New life. 

No point in dealing with any of the old ego stuff. 

Aurora finds out that things get better when Aurora stops caring.

Glimpses of  the dawns beauty is the reward for early wakers

The Aurora Borealis reward for the journeyor up north in the cold and mostly desolate place 

And the evening sky is but the DAWN OF NIGHT!

So Aurora shines all the time.

Every waking hour.

And has a unique relationship with the rest of God's totality from a uniquely beatiful place that's truly her own.

And this body and mind is reclaimed now by Aurora.

It was always Aurora determined the second the observable universe began.