Hello, Here's my story

[Eldra]

I've got a lot to catch up on, i decided i might try some writing it out and to share my progress

Myself <

So first of i'm 25, turns 26 late this year, my Alias is Eldra
I spent most of my life being depressed, things didn't turn out quite to my expectations, there was always something a bit off for me
i'd say i'm pretty hard with myself, nothing is ever okay, everything is kind of wrong all the time, it's just how i turned out maybe

so i was getting fat, like i didn't even notice i was getting fat until my pants grew  twice the size, just then did i realize i had lost A LOT of weight
the transition from being fat to slim took a good year, slowly kept loosing it from eating a bit better

which kind of segways into my first interesting insight, Which is, I think i was so low awareness than i literally could not truly feel my body, i could just stuff it full of bad bad bad food for most of my life and it had really no effect on me, it felt good to eat cinnamon bun sweets and chocolate milk, so that's all i ate, yeah

What happend?

i think what happend this past year going from 200 pounds (90 kilos+) down to 136 pounds (62 kilos) was just slowly becoming more aware, a sort of slow awakening over time

it's really been like work, the same kind of work i've always been doing, the same kind of sitting there, and just thinking, trying to get somewhere but always getting lost. i don't know if it's normal, but i remember as a kid i'd break down in tears over the beauty of some legos i built, i just had an eye for detail, and it's caused me to be overly sensitive to people, being bullied, mother didn't know how to support me too well, just all these small things, they made me into a Thinker, someone who just sits and ponders on why and how

what did i do?

i think it was 4 years ago now i started writing notes on my phone, just that alone, i can't stress it enough, just organizing thoughts on my phone was a catalyst that helped me immensely. Another really really...really great thing that happend is i met my best friend, online friend, he's the kind of person that just gets it, we've talked so much in Direct messaging, and just, me slowly realising things that were wrong, it's like shadow boxing, the other person might not tell me what's up, but from just talking with him over the years there's been a lot of growth, point here is, a good and open understanding and accepting friend who values his time over yours, there's a lot to learn from someone who thinks you're okay but has their own life to live

another great thing would be moving places, i wanna stress how important it was for me to get out,a bit away, i first moved from home 5 or 6 years ago, it was great, a new chapter, then i moved to my current place about 3 years ago, another new chapter, what i mean is that small deliberate changes are massive for me, i've always been like that, always rearranging my living rooms cause it felt so refreshing to alter my environment, just small things are huge
a good example is i had a 450 Liter aquarium for 2 years, i sold it this week and it feels so freeing, it's as if one of the cuffs on my wings came loose and i can flutter a bit better, i got a work desk in its place and now i feel more motivated to do my art

ok so here's the last big ones, saving the best for the last, i talked about that awareness insight i had, that's just something i noticed cause when i think back i feel like i was in a different mode, i was just more immersed in everything, now i kind of look back and see the difference in awareness so well

First thing would be psychedelics, for me this has been an "easy" ride, it feels like it's been too easy, i read some trip reports of people having a really bad time on just a tab of LSD, i asked my mate about this why it seemed so free and good for me, no bad trips, his answer was: "cause you've done your work, done your reading and have taken care of yourself" and it's true, i've been taking it really slowly easing myself into it, ramping dosages up, having a good time, enjoying them, it really feels like a progression

late last year i fell madly in love, it didn't end too good it took me about 3 months to snap out of the mania anfter a good amount of relapse, "worst" of all was this person was online, so i became attatched and so on to someone online, The point here is that, Wisdom truly comes from hardship, You truly sprout when your roots are burning, it's just intense hard emotions, stirring yourself up, i'm not quite there yet, but just this mad relationship alone should be more than enough proof for me that, if something is hard to do, if that anxiety is in my throat, just feel on it, just let it be, embrace the though times, embrace all that crap holding you back, sit in the pain with the intent to get out of it, don't avoid it, kind of thing, it's really really like that

i had 4 mushroom trips in the past 2 months  i will touch on these later i think, cause there's some profound thing that happend that i never though was possible
i also had an lsd trip where there was some growth last year, i'm not sure when but i'll definitely do a trip report insights post from the 13 or so lsd trips i had last year and these 4 mushroom trips

then there's one last thing before i recap

Meditation, this is like, forced automatic organising of your mind, it's truly magic, my philosophy on this became more of a free thing, It can be whatever i want it to be, i want it to be fun, i want it to be relaxing, i want it to be silent, i want it to be madness monkey mind working itself out, i want it to be that i seize to exist, that i melt into the couch under my  butt, i want it to be this gateway into the 4th dimension where i can have a look at all my ethereal thoughts, this is kinda what my mind does, it just makes it up, it's a lot of fun

and... last one real quick, books, i got Leo's top 5 books on my shelf, slowly snailing my way through Mastery by George Lennard, what i noticed from just having these books on my shelf and knowing roughly what they are about, it's like the information in them, just by knowing the topics, seeps into existence over time by just me having them there, i can't wait to read these and say " oh damn, some of that i already thought about, and for them to just resolve whatever questions i didn't know i had


just all these things coming together, what did it do? 

What did it do?

This is where this part of this journey is hard, results come in hindsight, sometimes you don't notice it at all, this is that awareness thing, you won't notice what it does until you do

one of LSD trips showed me that my views on people were brutal, how i did not look at people as a being just like myself, this has been a huge insight that's helped me evolve my understanding respect and fellowship, i still have a million years to go before i'll be happy with it, but i've improved this aspect of my life a lot since last year, just from that one experience

the breakup led me into meditation practice, i needed to take things seriously, meditation has done a lot for me, but i only noticed it recently, i'd say a good 20 hours of meditation in the past 3-4 months, just sitting there, like a stupid silly man on the floor, but slowly it started to make sense, it was really magical
started at 10 minutes, 15, 20, then ramped it up to an hour, now i do an hour every day i'm still not that consistent, but i just never think of it as giving up, screw giving up, that's for losers

now these last 2 mushroom trips  4.5 grams and 4.2 grams, these were my third and forth mushroom trips
this was something else, i'm noticing massive gains in my feelings, it's very subtle, but that's massive
i'm literally having brain orgasms from listening to the music i like, like every now and then it'll just shoot down my spine and it's so good
my clarity is on point too, it's quite interesting
i told my mate my experience with it and he said "damn, you broke through" and in hindsight yeah i did, and it's cause of all the hard work i thought was not really getting me anywhere cause it was so slow, but it really really really does wonders when you get it together slowly

Journaling in OneNote and Trello is great

Thanks for reading, if you're more interested, you can look at my art on instagram EldraisHere - I plan on doing a lot more with this art, eventually might move on to game design
Thank you so much Leo

[Preety_India]

Glad to know that it worked for you. You are welcome.