Mind Connectedness: a possible consequence of self reflection

[trenton]

The work with actualized.org is starting to take noticeable effects.  These effects are outside of what my culture considers ordinary life.  It is as though my thoughts are not in my head, and that they are shared with other people who are more connected to me than I realize.

Throughout most of my life all the way back when I was a child I created a mask of a stingy personality.  That is I lied to myself by attaching extreme importance to money as if it were always scarce because I thought that if I hoard money then one day it might be useful.  I never actually intended to spend it and would pinch every possible penny where ever I could.

As I focused on becoming more authentic I started becoming more conscious of this mask.  I noticed how I would rationalize any position to save my money.  Although my arguments seemed convincing I recognized that I was contributing to unnecessary suffering because of my mask.  Sometimes I continued doing this out of habit.  I did not actually believe the motive behind words.

A recurring thought pattern I had was that I wanted to remove the mask.  I realized that it was bullshit, and this is where it gets weird.  My family started to cut through this mask very easily.  My father, grandmother, and sister would not buy any argument.  They were suffering too much because I would do anything to avoid spending money on a new phone.  I was looking for loops to jump through to get a free phone which I don't qualify for and my grandma needs one.

I observed my anger and suffering quietly, recognizing that I created it.  I was motivated by truth and I knew this was necessary.  The mask still lingers, but it is a bit lighter.  As I self reflect and unravel my self deceptions, I can see other people, not just the ones mentioned, helping me to see my lies.  Although there is initial suffering, it is ultimately for the best.

My mind becomes quieter as my lies are recognized, and my mind is not as distant from other people as I thought.  This is another complex mask from my childhood that is not fully removed and I am "stuck in my head".  This affects a ton of my behavior.  I will contemplate what is my true self as I recognize this.

[Derek White]

Good Job! Usually family members can see the masks we wear.