Trip Report #1 - LSD 02/25/20

[NatureB]

This first section is a couple minutes of typing that I did while near the apex of my trip. Some of it doesn't make sense and I couldn't focus so bear with me. Anything in parentheses was written in after the fact to help with clarity. The post-trip reflections follow:

I spend a lot of time thinking about how people spend their time and how we are supposed to spend our time. Can I just relax? (that I am having this discussion shows how fortunate my position has been).

I cried in the park earlier today. It felt good. It felt like I almost was down enough to give in to it (fully).

I think it is so weird that me and my family are so disconnected from each other. We need to love each other whether or not it makes us look good or is fashionable. We need to be IN LOVE with each other. I feel like my mom is such a pillar to us all. I wouldn't be able to have experiences like this without her. I still need to figure out what I am doing with my life, but as I thought earlier "I can solve problems without feeling down the whole time."

I can feel great despite all of those things too.

In relationships, I haven't been bringing the passion. I have been extremely timid and un-trusting in dating. I don't want to be left to fall (as in trying with my whole being and then not being wanted or being left to fall flat). I have been wanting passion without offering it myself. I have been wanting to be coddled and pushed along.

I cried in the park. I should have let more of it come up too. I should probably meditate now since I am still on it and earlier I wasn't even sure it hit me yet. The first thing to go was my sense of time.

 

I had a thought earlier - I have to fend for myself. The world isn't fucking ideal. It ain't even fucking close. And until it is, I need to pay my fucking bills and get my own ass handled. (This is me coming to terms with my need to integrate Stage Orange into myself and my life. I can't skip the necessary lessons Stage Orange has to offer me.)

I have been busy beating myself up for not being where I want to be yet. I need to be patient but also engaged. If I am going to start a business, it only waits for me. It isn't gonna make itself up. I am the only person holding me back from anything and everything. Health, happiness, freedom, fulfillment, success, progeny, love, devotion, meditation, surrender, ecstasy, fuck you dammit.

 

What point is my spirituality if I am not using it to LOVE OTHERS? They are me after all. I need to summon more energy while I am working through my personal problems. I would be a lot further along with help and guidance though. In every area of my life.

I need to bring the love, joy, attention, care, openness and willingness to connect that I am trying to get from others. I need to let my own walls come down and then I can ask others to JOIN me. I can't ask them to join me if I am not out there!

This makes so much more sense now damn.

I need to bring the joy and passion and ideas to everyone, no matter how much I don't think they will catch on. Or I may need to move into a bigger pond (limiting belief/ excuse). I need to make more money so I can travel and do what I want. I can be making a lot more money right now. That's for damn sure.

 

I feel more grown up now. I feel more matured. More seasoned.

I also love the park. We need to go to the park more. I fucking love the park. I love other people. I love people's kids too.

 

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Those above were my raw and unfiltered notes that I wrote at about 2pm, 5 hours after ingesting the LSD and midway through my trip. I will start at the beginning.

Firstly, I wanted to trip because I have been hitting a wall for months in my meditation. It seems that I have an invisible hurdle that I cannot name or circumvent, and I was hoping for a higher perspective to come in during my trip. I also wanted a temporary reprieve from the minor but prolonged depression that I have found myself in for the last year or more, to greater or lesser degrees at times. I acknowledge that this can be seen as escaping, and it probably is, but I can say now that the trip is over I am more hopeful for my future that I have been in years.

I woke up at 8am knowing that I was going to do the acid today. I debated on eating or not because I did not want to interfere with the psychedelics effects. I decided to eat and see if my family would be home today. I ate some food with Tapatio which was a bad move because the spicy-ness of it messed with my stomach for the rest of the day pretty much. I talked to my grandma to see if her and my sister and nephew were going to be out of the house today. She said that they would be gone after 9am and then come back before taking the kids to see their doctor. She offered to stay gone longer if I "want [my] girlfriend to come over." I don't have a girlfriend but thanks for believing in me grandma lol.

 

I took the acid at 8:44am after meditating for 10 minutes. I was going to meditate for 30 minutes just to get more calm but after 10 minutes I felt ready and that more meditation wouldn't necessarily help me. I was nervous to do the acid for the two days prior but in this moment I was completely relaxed about it. My intention was to see what little bits of depression are hanging on inside of me that are keeping me from being my bright, engaged and funny self. I lay on my floor and wait for it to kick in. It came in the form of a sour patch kid gummy with acid dripped on it, supposedly 200 IU. (I want to test my stuff going forward - does anybody know a good drug test that checks for LSD on Amazon or at Wal-mart? Thanks.)

 

After not feeling it for about 10 minutes I looked up the time it usually takes for the LSD to hit you. Google search said 30 - 90 minutes. I was thinking about how fast my metabolism is but that I did just eat, trying to calculate how long it should take to hit me. I didn't notice that my perception of time was the first thing out the window.

 

I moved to my bed because I didn't feel like doing anything and I was tired still. I was listening to George Harrison's "Dark Horse" album and trying to see if a good cry would come up. George's music while sober is powerful and moving so I thought while I was on LSD it would be even more amazing. It wasn't working so I went to my sad time playlist on YouTube and listened to a couple of those. I decided to walk 2+ miles to the park, being especially careful with cars since I knew my perception would be off. I started listening to the White Album from The Beatles and enjoying that. Time was really off at this point. Hours passed in what was actually minutes.

 

I remember getting to the park and shivering a lot from the cold wind. I passed by my old high school on the way there and felt like I reconnected with where I came from. That feels like another lifetime ago and it has only been 6 years. Anyway I was at the park and decided to listen to music. I wanted to lay in the grass but I held back because I didn't want anyone to think I was some weirdo who was spying on kids. Weird fear, I know. I turned the music off and started walking through the grass to the other side of the park to sit. Looking at the grass might have been the first time I realized I did have visuals. Until that point I merely had a body high with occasional rushes or waves of energy through my legs - especially when idle.) I sat in the grass despite what I thought other people might think. I started tearing up in the grass. I kind of know why and I will get to that in a second. I haven't been in nature in forever. My life for the last 6 months or so has been passing between jobs, taking salsa lessons and being alone. When I am home it is either to read, meditate or sleep.

 

I felt like the good cry I intended for this release was coming. And it wasn't so much a breakthrough cry as a letting go cry. By that I mean there was no effort; it just happened. I noticed myself tearing and then I went with it a little more. I felt like I was seriously going to sob in the park alone there on the grass. I held back. (It was hard to cry because I couldn't focus easily on crying, and trying to squeeze it out made the crying energy retreat as if it did not want to be controlled or forced.)

 

I left to sit at a different part of the park. After a while I realized that I lost my phone. I watched myself start to panic. I was completely caught up in it while also completely being the observer. I found my phone where I sat and cried on the grass. Everyone I made eye contact with seemed weird. I think they were avoiding me because I was avoiding them. I felt so fearful. I guess I haven't admitted to myself how much fear I carry around. That realization is something good that came from this experience.

 

Eventually I walked back home thinking that I want to get out to the park more and spend QUALITY TIME with my friends and family. Part of why I cried was that I feel so guilty about how I have been acting and behaving for the last year or so. I feel like I have been in a funk and because I was unhappy I was blaming it on others until I solved it. Not consciously, but it came out big time in my attitude. I went home from the park feeling like I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I need to summon positive energy rather than wait for it to strike. Boom.

 

I also think a lot about Andrew Yang's version of UBI. I feel like that is how society SHOULD be and would ideally be, so I was thinking something along those lines when the thought hit me - "But it's NOT like that. So you need to win the game (of success and earning copious amounts of money) and then pull others up." The game is set up so that not everyone can win and that fucking sucks, but until the game is set up for the masses to win I need to play by the current rules and create success for myself. Later I can help fix the system so that more can benefit.

 

I got home and sat in front of my house without going inside because my sister and grandma were home. After a while I peaked my head in and said hi, then invited my 19 month-old nephew outside to play while I sat there. The visuals were still present as this had only been 4 hours I believe. Or 5. Also my total walk was about 5 miles to and from the park.

 

I watched my nephew play and blew some bubbles for him. He is such a cool dude man. We went inside and I was going to take him on a walk since being active felt good and new again to me. My sister had to leave and take him though. Interacting with my sister (who did not know that I was tripping) was interesting. I have fear dealing with my sister too. I know that the key is to not resist it but to notice it when it pops up and let it in and let it out.

 

I did have a moment of compassion for her. I think she doesn't feel alive and excited about life right now. She has gained considerable weight and is heavier than I ever knew her to be. I felt what it must be like to be her. She had my nephew at 18 and is barely turning 20 in April. I know she is not happy. I felt sad for her. I love my sister a lot. I want her to be happy.

 

Another thing that I realized is that I need to invest time and energy into making my family life better. I need to get my ass inspired and create the family life that I want to have. Nobody is coming to make me feel like there is a strong connection with my family. I feel bad that I have been in a prolonged minor depression for so long and they haven't really noticed or called me out on my negative attitude in a loving way. We should be close enough with each other to do that. Not just share our happy or angry feelings, but our sad and hopeless and unworthy feelings too. Would you really want someone around if you can't share your worst feelings with them? That makes the positive feelings hollow in my opinion. I really need to talk to them more and SHARE my negative feelings in a real way. They are here for me if I let them be. And sharing stuff like that makes our connection deeper too.

 

I ate some rice that I made many days ago but that was still good and sat in my living room after they left. I played my guitar and I totally sucked but I was getting into it easier than usual. It felt like I could just forget myself a little bit easier, close my eyes and play. (Looking back I realize that I had fear of my sister-in-law coming out of the room she shares with my brother and that I fear her a lot. I fear interacting with her.)

I went in my room after some time and laid down. I tried to do a 43 minute guided meditation around apathy, thinking that I should take advantage of being on LSD to go deeper and scoop more sludge out of my heart. I could not focus for shit. I would go on thought trips and realize that the meditation was still going. I am here 14 hours after ingesting the substance and still feeling funny in my body and seeing minor visuals. I kinda want to eat again but I know that is just desire talking and not genuine hunger. I might still give in though.

 

I got up out of my bed at 4pm and invited my little cousins to walk to the store with me to get chips and whatnot to make them happy and to spend time with them. Only one came since the other was playing with his friends. I was angry at him for it but tried to stay positive - an immediate positive benefit from the LSD. We walked to the store and my cousin F was making me laugh a lot. I couldn't really pay attention to her though. I had to put in extra effort. Inside the store I was having weird interactions with the cashier. My whole timing and social fluidity were off. I was also a little off balance.

 

I came back and dropped F off at the house, then walked around the corner to my friend of 12 years's house who I ran in to on the way to the store. We sat and talked in his yard for maybe an hour or less and caught up. He knew that I was tripping because my balance was off. It felt good to catch up with him. We had some great laughs together watching some funny interviews on IG that he showed me. I left feeling good and reconnected with him but also like we didn't talk about anything substantial. I thought that I should open up to him about how I realized I have been such a dick for taking our my anger and depression on the people around me. I didn't tell him. I felt like he can't handle it. He has his own problems to deal with as well. These sound like limiting beliefs to me. (Keeping secrets from others creates a disconnect - I can see that now. Even when the secret doesn't affect them, withholding the information blocks your own energy and creates disconnect between you.)

I came home and cooked with my two little cousins and felt good about that. I can already see myself getting annoyed with them again though. The LSD was just a glimpse of how beautiful life could be for me, if I work for it. I can let myself fail but I need to try now. I am fully capable of bringing the fun and joy to the situations that I get into in my life. I can affect others with my state. I can bring positivity to the world without caring how well it is received. I am entitled to the effort and not the outcome. But make it a great effort.

After cooking I ate in the living room. My brother and his wife were there. My two little cousins and I played songs on the TV through YouTube on my phone and sang along. They were both shy and timid to sing. I was afraid to sing around my sister-in-law. I think that comes from the front that I play in front of her still, which is like a cool guy who has it all under control and makes no mistakes).

After this I went to a dance partner's house to practice a new piece we were working on in hopes that we could perform on the weekend. That was cool and my balance was good again. Man I had a good, long day. Funny how LSD puts more time into your day. I wonder if that is what it is like to live in the moment.

 

If I could take one thing only from my insights and realizations from this first trip of MANY more to come: Take Responsibility for my emotional state and attitude. I don't need everything to be perfect in order to feel happiness. I just need to be on the right path and give myself time and compassion. I don't need to live up to any comparison's I might make between myself and others. My path is my path.

If I could take one other practical thing - "the grass is greener where you water it." I intend to create a great, open and loving and connected-feeling family life. I intend to water that plant until it blooms. I intend to be more open with my family about the things that are bothering me. I intend to talk to the people around me more about my life and my struggles rather than holding it all in. I don't have to solve this shit all by myself. And it is okay to admit that I am not perfect.

 

One thing that I will be vigilant for going forward is fear. I realize now that fear immobilizes me in more ways that I care to know.

My realization earlier is that I need to be the energy that I want to see in the world. I need to bring the excitement, the passion and the creativity. I need to get my ass inspired like Kendrick Lamar said and bring it.

I am the only one stopping me. That's a fucking trip. I was looking for the answer to be something different like "I am a victim of not having the best education, so I can't do it," but the real answer is "I control what happens to me. There is nothing holding me back but myself."

 

......

 

Okay, here I am on 03/01/20 just finishing this up and editing it. I wanted to add some thoughts about the days after this LSD trip and comment on this journey going forward.

 

I felt so good during the trip in a way that I haven't felt in SO long. I developed a fear of the positive feelings leaving me and going back down into my lower state. That has happened a bit which should have been expected, but almost one week after the trip I still feel like something is different about me. I feel more calm, more loving and more self-trusting. I care for people more than I have. What Leo said is true - psychedelics will push you into Stage Green. I love loving people again. I feel more excited for the possibilities in my life going forward. I feel like a lot of my limiting beliefs and attitudes were lifted without conscious effort. I still get angry and frustrated as well as sad and guilty, but my baseline has improved in just one trip. I can only imagine the peace that more experienced Psychonauts feel.

 

I know that I can handle more LSD as well. Next time I may do two hits, although I will need to plan much more for that. I plan on doing a medium dose of mushrooms with a coworker for her first time next Tuesday. I want psychedelics to be my every-other-week thing. That is enough time to not develop a tolerance and also to integrate some insights from the previous trip.