understanding God but still wanting to die

[JakeR]

I think that I have understood a lot of what Leo talks about. I think that I understand absolute infinity and that I am God, that life is a dream created from nothingness, etc. I have been on this path for years now including 50+ psychedelic experiences and multiple 10 day meditation courses. But I still feel tired and frustrated with my life on the relative level.

I have had periods of time in which everything feels magical and the whole world is incredible as I see beauty in seemingly the most mundane of things. However, I still don't want to deal with life. It feels like a huge burden to live in this modern society. I can't find a job that does not feel mundane and pointless. I can see the joy in social interaction related to the job. But the job itself feels like part of a pointless and harmful system.

I want to die.

I don't want to deal with this. I'd just rather not. I'd rather not have to contribute to this toxic society we live in. I have very few people that I can deeply relate to. Most people are completely sucked into the system and don't really think for themselves and so I find it hard to connect. I feel the pressure to get a university degree, get a "real" job, and start a family. But why? Society overall seems to be very harmful. It seems like only a minority truly benefit and even then they seem to be in poor mental health.

My instinct/intuition has remained mostly the same for most of my life. That is to move out deep into the forest in a remote location and live off of the land in a somewhat peaceful manner. Is this my life purpose? It does not seem to directly help others. In fact, it seems to harm my family and friends who I abandon. It genuinely feels like the right thing to do though. Learn the necessary skills to hunt, forage, and generally survive. My energy will be put into direct usage for my own survival needs. It will become work or die. Is this naive?

Ordinary life makes me want to kill myself.

I wonder if I am still lacking metaphysical/ontological understanding of reality and that if I obtained this understanding I could act in the world without this depressive tone. Please let me know if you think I have posted in the wrong part of this forum; this feels like a serious emotional problem to me. I feel empty and depressed, even with my seemingly high level of consciousness.

[Malken]

Clearly mainstream isn't working so I would recommend looking into intentional communities. Tends to attractive alternative people. Some communities make their own products which sustains their system. 

 

When you want to die what you really want is a change in reality. 

 

A lot of jobs don't have much of a point, just a means to survive. Perhaps you may be interested in something bigger like transforming people's lives through therapy, working with charity type of organizations, maybe even in local politics.

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, JakeR said:

I wonder if I am still lacking metaphysical/ontological understanding of reality and that if I obtained this understanding I could act in the world without this depressive tone.

Yep. Absolutely. Try to consider the universe is doing just that. And this, is how it’s coming. Notice contraction, and choose relaxation. Notice rigidity, and choose flexibility...

“You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.” - Bruce Less

 

Sounds like nihilism from over conceptualizing. All thought no feeling is no fun, been there. 

3 hours ago, JakeR said:

I'd rather not have to contribute to this toxic society we live in.

That view is only due to your current outlook. It will change more than you know. 

3 hours ago, JakeR said:

I have very few people that I can deeply relate to.

You’re looking though, and finding what you’re looking for. Most people on the form get exactly what you’re going through. Keep expressing, ask questions...find your way to new ways of looking at things. Be as open minded as you possibly can. There’s millions of people who “get it” too, more ‘linked’ every day. If you ever want to talk, just pm me. 

3 hours ago, JakeR said:

My instinct/intuition has remained mostly the same for most of my life. That is to move out deep into the forest in a remote location and live off of the land in a somewhat peaceful manner. Is this my life purpose? It does not seem to directly help others. In fact, it seems to harm

Maybe you’re being called to some time in nature, to relax & reflect...called by your intuition. I’d make step one doing that. Then, afterwards............................. I believe you’ll see the calling was to connect to intuition...and step two will then be clear. Gotta slow down and notice - enjoy even - the unfolding of it. The now of it all. Get to know feeling. It’s Good. The hunting & foraging life could be your calling, but I’d get that much needed nature time in before I reconsidered it, from a clearer state of mind. 

It could be that you have a calling to help individuals raise their consciousness, rather than going head to head with what they’re creating. If so, you will likely be realizing some gifts within yourself soon. Shit you’ve never thought of or experienced. Get that relaxation & connection with nature in man.