Feeling Lost

[King Merk]

Sometimes I just want to end it all. I just want to be done with it. Done with the pain. Done with the seeking. Done with the deafening unease constantly ringing in the background.

Most of the time, I’m a happy guy who experiences predominately positive emotions.

I meditate daily. I eat healthy. I have a ripped, muscular body. I live my life purpose. I’m a self help junkie. My colleges look up to me. Girls love me. I’m “Mr Right” who has his life together

But there are these dark days. These days like today where I feel like I’ve gone crazy. I feel like I’d do anything to escape this madness.

And I’ve tried everything to escape it. I’ve tried escaping with food. Tried escaping with sex. Tried escaping through work. By being “productive”. I’ve tried to escape by connecting to those around me. By numbing it out with drugs. By partying the pain away. Even by denying the unease is there. I’ve tried it all... to no avail.

The only thing thats helped me is sitting with it. Is feeling fully into this unease. Leaning into this pain and letting it engulf me completely... which is scary af.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. tbh. I just wanted to get this shit out of me. To express where I’m at and what I’m going through.

This path of self transcendence is such a lonely and pain ridden road. How can I blame other for not wanting to take it? I can’t. I understand fully why you’d wish to stay asleep. But it’s the road I must walk.

I must keep going.

I must wake up.

Edited February 29, 2020 by King Merk

[Bill W]

Hey man,

I was just browsing this section and seeing if there was anyone I could relate to and make a post. I've had an awful shit show of a day and I actually emailed my boss tonight and said the words to him "i am lost" to describe my state of mind. I was actually crying when I emailed him. So your thread title caught me eye!

I don't have a ripped muscular body lol but there is a lot of similarities here. Most people think I'm doing well but sometimes i feel dead inside, lost, hopeless, the weak link and a fraud. 

On the plus side I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know in my heart and mind that life needn't be as hard as I make it! 

[ajasatya]

@King Merk How does pain arise?

[mandyjw]

@King MerkIt's lonely and there's pain but it's also the adventure of your life. The stories we tell ourselves about it are powerful. It does not have to be painful, yet there is pain sometimes and that's ok. Don't forget that love and truth are the same thing, and one can't be lost in pursuit of the other in the end. Have you seen Leo's Self Love video? I discovered that Abraham Hicks and the simple but not simple "paying attention to how you feel" can make the low points more understood and less significant.