Hate My Grandma / Father Blames Me

[ProblemSolving]

Hey guys,

trying to understand this stuff. And I need your help with this one. I hate my grandma. I hate her as a person. I hate the way she talks and how she behaves . Her son, my father is kinda the only person that is trying to help her. Otherwise we don't really have a family in this country. So my father feels responsible for her. And he argues a lot with her but still he helps her on a regular basis, drives to her (20min) and buys some stuff (10min) and drives back (20min). My father says that it would be nice if I could help him by driving to her and get her some stuff that she might need. Because my father works and I am finishing my bachelor degree and just longing to get the f*ck out of this house again. And of course I don't want to help. I don't want anything to do with my grandma. My father blames me that I am not supportive. My mom does so too. Actually I just had a discussion with my mom. She said that "wait till you're in the position where you will need help from others".

 

So, guys, please tell me what to do. I kinda have a malfunction when thinking about this topic, because it destroys me a little. I need you to see it from your perspective and tell me what the hell I should do.

[Mal]

@ProblemSolving

Hi there...

I'm not sure what the problem is here.  This sounds like regular family dynamics.

I'm also not sure why you can't offer to pull your weight a little and hep out?  It might be good for you to learn to tolerate members of your family while keeping everybody happy and smoothing the politics like an adult.

You used the word blame.  That's a bit strong isn't it?  Are you sure you are being "blamed" for something?  Or do you think your mother is just voicing her opinion?

When your mother said "wait till you're in the position where you will need help from others"  it sounds to me like that is something she should be saying to a 7 year old.  But you are doing your Batchelors, right?  Why is she treating you like a small child?  Are you possibly behaving like one and your behaviour and attitude is provoking her to treat you like that?

What will it take to keep everybody happy for a while?  It's no big deal a short trip for groceries.

 

 

 

Edited June 21, 2016 by Mal

[ProblemSolving]

@Mal: Thanks for your opinion. But I am not willing "to tolerate members of my family while keeping everybody happy". Why the hell should I do that? I don't want that. Because I don't see these people helping me to become a better person. It is all about them. I don't annoy them with my urges. But you are right. Maybe it is not blaming. Maybe I really make it all a bigger problem than it really is.

[Natasha]

@ProblemSolving 

Eckhart Tolle answers your question, "Don't expect consciousness where there is unconsciousness". Very insightful. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M

[ProblemSolving]

@Natasha: A lesson that I need to learn. My negative reaction to the problem that I explained is probably also based on some expectation that I have regarding my father/parents. By not expecting anything from my parents I don't have anything to be angry about, I guess. But I have some problems with Eckhart Tolle, unfortunately.  He is talking about consciousness and unconsciousness as if he invented the words and knows exactly what they mean. But yeah, thank you. I will see this situation that I am in as my mental training challenge and when I am "conscious" enough, then I will be able to handle these kind of problems much better. As long as I am not dragged into unconscious behaviour. 

[Mal]

@ProblemSolving

So, just to reflect back to you what I hear you saying: why "THE HELL" should you learn to be independent of the people in your environment while they are not living upto your expectations?  

 

 

[ProblemSolving]

@Mal: There is some truth in this. Thanks. There were some hidden expectations from me that I wasn't really aware of. And I have to find a way to be better than that. Because this is only nurturing disappointment. 

[Mal]

@ProblemSolving

Well yes,this is about freedom.  Pulling ones weight and contributing a little is communicating that you are not going to be dictated to by their negativity.

As it stands you are resisting which is making you unhappy and creating some consequences. For my own satisfaction I do things despite my feelings just so I can grow and free myself from dependency on getting something back. 

Don't get me wrong, being around happy people is a pleasure and never a chore and I find myself jumping at the chance to offer something. But being around unhappy people and playing them to get ones own needs met is far more productive for growing.  Like I said, it's only an hour out of the day and nothing majorly health destroying. 

Mal

[Allinthemind]

What has your grandma done/doing to you to cause this much hatred? Do you hate her because she is dependent?

Your high expectation on independence (your own and of those people around you) is a source of your anger. But at your age, it would be a common healthy need to be independent though.

I think that your mum's suggestion that "you need to be more helpful" will guide you to being a better person in the longterm - sometimes helping others/acts of kindness can have its benefits. But right now your independent perspective is antagonising this.

Have people rejected your requests for help in the past? And did you shut the gates on "helpfulness" as a result?

[ProblemSolving]

1 hour ago, Allinthemind said:

What has your grandma done/doing to you to cause this much hatred? Do you hate her because she is dependent?

Your high expectation on independence (your own and of those people around you) is a source of your anger. But at your age, it would be a common healthy need to be independent though.

I think that your mum's suggestion that "you need to be more helpful" will guide you to being a better person in the longterm - sometimes helping others/acts of kindness can have its benefits. But right now your independent perspective is antagonising this.

Have people rejected your requests for help in the past? And did you shut the gates on "helpfulness" as a result?

Usually in the past I felt like I wasn't really able to do anything without my parents intervening. All my life I just wanted to go my own way. But that didn't really work out because I let them manipulate my own path. Which is just completely wrong behaviour from me. Because when I wanted to do something I should've just done it. Now there is some regret. I used to sit in front of the computer all the time. I was so addicted to it because in these weird times it was my best friend. But it is not too late to be a different person. The current situation is just very exotic for me. I am finishing my degree right now. I am not using pornography for already more than 2 weeks (and I go insane because of that). Being in a relationship also is kinda hard sometimes. I am not used to such things. All these close people expecting stuff and all I really want is peace.

People never rejected my request for help in the past, because I am like a freakin cactus. I don't need anything. I try to help here and there. Of course, people help when I need some little help.  

But what about my grandma? She is very toxic. Keeping my parents busy with some heavy clash each year which destroys my parents to some degree. And she knows exactly what others should be doing to do the right thing. That is arrogant. Always judging others what they should be doing. And of course I should have finished my degree by now. And she is disappointed from me because of that. Still she loves me, I guess. But all in all I am just wishing that she will be gone soon. Because she will die soon, obviously in her 80+ age, but my parents will remain. And the more she manipulates my father the more he will be the same like her. He already is like her to some degree.  Manipulating the hell out of people. My mom doesn't really do that. I know that most of the stuff I'm saying isn't very fundamental. I get emotional talking about it. 

I just see my father, who is not a happy person. I can tell that by looking at him. And I see my grandma, who is also not a happy person. The only thing that I desire is not to be like them. So I choose every opportunity to not spend time with them. Because happiness isn't necessarily found in other people. In my opinion it is found inside myself. Or should I rather say it is crafted inside myself. 

But hey, I am over it. I see all the things in my life as mental challenges and physical challenges. Such situation ,that I described in the first post, is a mental challenge and I should stand my own ground to make sure that I am not getting knocked down too much. And the answer can be going my own path or it can also mean, as Mal said, sometimes helping is good. Sometimes if you wanna fight fire you should not be using fire as well. 

 

 

 

 

[Allinthemind]

Your adjustments to your previous "manipulation" is helping you to review your position, which is good. If your relationship works out, it will also help you to appreciate that an amount of dependency doesn't weaken you, it can enrich your life. (Are you not depending on us to change your awareness?)

Whilst there can be inherited beliefs running through your family, there's no guarantee that your father will be a carbon copy of your grandma. He (and you) will have mellowed by then, I'm sure, particularly with the help of your mother. Your dad is being compromised right now; he doesn't want to feel guilty abandoning her when she may not be around for long.

I agree with your concept of happiness up to a point; other people can complement your life, you don't have to be angry at them and isolate yourself to prove a point.

[DizIzMikey]

@ProblemSolving do what you have too so you don't get kicked out. AND you feel the most centered within is my advice 

Dont... disregard your integrity of who you are, be you.. you know?