Wanting to initiate a breakup

[Cepzeu]

TL:DR - thinking of breaking up with my gf of 4 years because of value and personality mismatch, feeling emotionally distant from her, and not wanting to be 'tied-down' or committed to her. Also not sure if she could handle being the mother of my children.

 

Hey everyone, I'm posting this here just because this has been on my mind for a long time and I would really appreciate the advice from someone who has experienced this.

I have been dating my gf for around 3.5 years and over this time we have had many experiences together. She is my first long term partner and I met her at 20. She is a year older. Over time we have both grown in positive ways, but I have to say that my progress has been significantly quicker than hers.

She has a background of being raised by an abusive and cold grandmother who would constantly belittle her. Consequently, she has episodes of depression and anxiety. At one point, during a difficult academic year for her she slipped into suicidal thinking and more frequent episodes of depression, sometimes also coming home and having panic attacks. This was about 1.5 years ago and I felt the need to be her rock. Unfortunately, I did all the emotional caring for her at this time and she was not seeing a councillor nor taking any medications. I felt way out of depth here, especially with her being suicidal on a weekly basis, but in my infinite wisdom I didn't tell anyone else or seek help for my psychological health, I just decided to solve this on my own.

She is better now and is studying towards a PhD, but I have felt very distant from her emotionally since her difficult year. I feel like this was a defence mechanism from me to prevent myself slipping into depression. That coupled with my spiritual growth as well as her less frequent by still persistent anxiety and low self esteem make me feel more distant - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She has low self-esteem and low confidence from her upbringing and while this has improved over time with meditation and exercise, because I have been meditating for longer and more frequently, our growth has been asymmetrical. I don't mean to sound arrogant but the emotional blocks and problems she is dealing with now, I have dealt with and overcome a few years ago, and this sets up a very weird dynamic, where I feel like I am a parent talking to a teenager (she is a beautiful person, I don't mean to belittle her, this is just how it feels).

Because this is my first relationship, I feel like it can be so much better. I have tried exposing her to meditation and other exercises, but I feel she doesn't see the urgency or importance of them, she knows a lot about her condition because her PhD is in psych but there is little implementation and transfer of her knowledge to her well-being. I've learned that It's not up to me for her to change, its up to her. 

I see how other girls are more confident and it makes me regret getting into this relationship, especially at such a young age. I also regret losing touch with my friends because of having solely cared for her and withdrawing from my work and other commitments. I am feeling trapped and have been considering breaking up for 2 years. But it has taken me this long to build up the confidence to admit that to myself, previously i just thought that everything would be fine, but its not fine and I've not been true to myself in terms of how I feel. 

There have been two times where we were on the brink of breaking up, and my instinct was shouting "BREAK UP" but I think i was scared to admit that to myself and just decided to continue and hope that things would get better. I admit that that was my lack of courage and low self-esteem at the time. But its getting to the point where i am considering my future more seriously and thinking about marriage and children in the future. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to marry her or move in with her, and I don't like the idea of her being a mother with her emotional state. I also plan to be a surgeon and am looking for someone who is confident with solving problems and being comfortable in their own skin, which she is not. She frequently needs validation from me, and asks me what she should do in terms of career and interacting with other people. She also has a poor relationship with her parents where there is little emotionality or warmth, her parents also don't speak english and i have not met them yet as I understand the parents are racist and only want an asian guy for her, which tbh I cannot be bothered dealing with. I don't care enough to kiss their asses, mostly because I know that they damaged her with poor parenting.

I have recently discussed with her the idea of self-love and self-acceptance after she had a moment of insecurity. I discussed how the universe accepts her exactly as she is and that to move through her pain she needs to see that it is ok to be herself (which is antagonistic to what she experienced in her upbringing). These insights i gained from a trip and have immensely helped me be more accepting of myself and helped me accept that I'm not happy in this relationship, and haven't been for a few years. I noticed that I see song lyrics and messages about breaking up a lot, which means its on my mind.

I feel guilty for wanting to break up because I know how painful it will be for her and I still love her and don't want to hurt her. But I recently watched a video where the main point was that if you don't break up with someone you don't want to be with, you will become unkind and resentful the more time you spend with them, and you will subconsciously make them know that you don't love them even if you get married and stay together for many years. And I don't want to do that to her. Also she is 24 and I don't want to drag this out and break up when she is older and has fewer dating opportunities. I'm currently doing long distance with her and she is a 5h drive away. I plan to see her every 3 weeks but this distance has helped me figure out what is true to me. I guess I'm just posting here because I feel afraid of making the wrong choice and also hurting her. I don't know if I'm being selfish but the longer I stay in this relationship the more resentful I get and I've recently started thinking about breaking up as I try to fall asleep at night.

Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Thank you for reading and I hope anyone who has gone through a breakup could have some advice.

Edited February 28, 2020 by Cepzeu

[Gili Trawangan]

I went through something vaguely similar. It sounds like your mind is made up and you have put forth good reasons for the break up.

From what you have described, it's the best course of action, better than the alternative. And she will recover.

Good luck.

[Preety_India]

 

3 hours ago, Cepzeu said:

TL:DR - thinking of breaking up with my gf of 4 years because of value and personality mismatch, feeling emotionally distant from her, and not wanting to be 'tied-down' or committed to her. Also not sure if she could handle being the mother of my children.

 

Hey everyone, I'm posting this here just because this has been on my mind for a long time and I would really appreciate the advice from someone who has experienced this.

I have been dating my gf for around 3.5 years and over this time we have had many experiences together. She is my first long term partner and I met her at 20. She is a year older. Over time we have both grown in positive ways, but I have to say that my progress has been significantly quicker than hers.

She has a background of being raised by an abusive and cold grandmother who would constantly belittle her. Consequently, she has episodes of depression and anxiety. At one point, during a difficult academic year for her she slipped into suicidal thinking and more frequent episodes of depression, sometimes also coming home and having panic attacks. This was about 1.5 years ago and I felt the need to be her rock. Unfortunately, I did all the emotional caring for her at this time and she was not seeing a councillor nor taking any medications. I felt way out of depth here, especially with her being suicidal on a weekly basis, but in my infinite wisdom I didn't tell anyone else or seek help for my psychological health, I just decided to solve this on my own.

She is better now and is studying towards a PhD, but I have felt very distant from her emotionally since her difficult year. I feel like this was a defence mechanism from me to prevent myself slipping into depression. That coupled with my spiritual growth as well as her less frequent by still persistent anxiety and low self esteem make me feel more distant - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She has low self-esteem and low confidence from her upbringing and while this has improved over time with meditation and exercise, because I have been meditating for longer and more frequently, our growth has been asymmetrical. I don't mean to sound arrogant but the emotional blocks and problems she is dealing with now, I have dealt with and overcome a few years ago, and this sets up a very weird dynamic, where I feel like I am a parent talking to a teenager (she is a beautiful person, I don't mean to belittle her, this is just how it feels).

Because this is my first relationship, I feel like it can be so much better. I have tried exposing her to meditation and other exercises, but I feel she doesn't see the urgency or importance of them, she knows a lot about her condition because her PhD is in psych but there is little implementation and transfer of her knowledge to her well-being. I've learned that It's not up to me for her to change, its up to her. 

I see how other girls are more confident and it makes me regret getting into this relationship, especially at such a young age. I also regret losing touch with my friends because of having solely cared for her and withdrawing from my work and other commitments. I am feeling trapped and have been considering breaking up for 2 years. But it has taken me this long to build up the confidence to admit that to myself, previously i just thought that everything would be fine, but its not fine and I've not been true to myself in terms of how I feel. 

There have been two times where we were on the brink of breaking up, and my instinct was shouting "BREAK UP" but I think i was scared to admit that to myself and just decided to continue and hope that things would get better. I admit that that was my lack of courage and low self-esteem at the time. But its getting to the point where i am considering my future more seriously and thinking about marriage and children in the future. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to marry her or move in with her, and I don't like the idea of her being a mother with her emotional state. I also plan to be a surgeon and am looking for someone who is confident with solving problems and being comfortable in their own skin, which she is not. She frequently needs validation from me, and asks me what she should do in terms of career and interacting with other people. She also has a poor relationship with her parents where there is little emotionality or warmth, her parents also don't speak english and i have not met them yet as I understand the parents are racist and only want an asian guy for her, which tbh I cannot be bothered dealing with. I don't care enough to kiss their asses, mostly because I know that they damaged her with poor parenting.

I have recently discussed with her the idea of self-love and self-acceptance after she had a moment of insecurity. I discussed how the universe accepts her exactly as she is and that to move through her pain she needs to see that it is ok to be herself (which is antagonistic to what she experienced in her upbringing). These insights i gained from a trip and have immensely helped me be more accepting of myself and helped me accept that I'm not happy in this relationship, and haven't been for a few years. I noticed that I see song lyrics and messages about breaking up a lot, which means its on my mind.

I feel guilty for wanting to break up because I know how painful it will be for her and I still love her and don't want to hurt her. But I recently watched a video where the main point was that if you don't break up with someone you don't want to be with, you will become unkind and resentful the more time you spend with them, and you will subconsciously make them know that you don't love them even if you get married and stay together for many years. And I don't want to do that to her. Also she is 24 and I don't want to drag this out and break up when she is older and has fewer dating opportunities. I'm currently doing long distance with her and she is a 5h drive away. I plan to see her every 3 weeks but this distance has helped me figure out what is true to me. I guess I'm just posting here because I feel afraid of making the wrong choice and also hurting her. I don't know if I'm being selfish but the longer I stay in this relationship the more resentful I get and I've recently started thinking about breaking up as I try to fall asleep at night.

Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Thank you for reading and I hope anyone who has gone through a breakup could have some advice.

You have reasons to breakup. It's good to know that you care about her. However she is unfit to be in a relationship or at least she needs the handler type. 

Best it to be honest than carry on the festering resentment. One day she will get over you. 

If you wanna break up then just do it and let her go. It's for the best of both of you. 

Don't hold back. You're Guilting yourself. It's not gonna work. What is inevitable is inevitable. 

Go ahead and breakup because clearly you are not happy with her. It's the best thing to do. 

 

[Cepzeu]

Thanks guys for the replies.

I think I will have to start being more honest in our conversations and bring up the topic with her.

[lostmedstudent]

@Cepzeu how did things go ?

[Hello from Russia]

@Cepzeu Any updates on your situation?

[Cepzeu]

@lostmedstudent

So.... After months of doubts and fear, I decided to pull the plug. I broke up with her about 2 weeks ago. 

It was a very difficult thing to initiate.

The breakup spread over a few days, I wanted to let her down easy. It started with me talking about my feelings and how I didn't feel connected or close to her. We then went on a few dates over the next couple of days just to sort of be in this joined mindspace of "this might actually be happening"

Then I initiated the final conversation to talk about breaking up. It lasted for 4 hours and there were a lot of emotions. I won't go into the details because it will take too long, but essentially the reasons were lack of connection, conflicting personality types, insecurity, and unclear logistics of a future together (we're studying in different cities with high potential for needing to move around the country at the start of our careers). 

I called her the next day just to check up on her. We discussed how we need to take the week off to just deal with the emotions.

I called her at the end of the week to check on her again and we decided to not connect with each other at all for a month and then reassess whether we want to stay friends etc. At this point I do not think I will ever get back with her in a committed relationship ever, but I'm open to staying as friends. 

 

Overall, I felt shitty for the first day being single, but to be honest, I've been feeling relieved, free, hopeful, and have generally been in a really good headspace. I'm enjoying the freedom, and I think that facing my fear and pulling the plug will end up being a huge positive in my life overall, despite being so hard to do. 

Also, this is the first breakup I've had. I's been a 4 year relationship, and I'm currently 24. I'm looking forward to the future. 

 

I may or may not update this further but this might be helpful for those in a similar situation. 

If you are in your first relationship and want to break up but are afraid to, just know that it's ok to have those feelings, that it can be done amicably, and that you don't really lose that person forever, things just change. 

I don't have any regrets about breaking up at this point.