Emotional Fluctiation

[Amer]

Hello Everyone.

I met a girl and we were strongly vibing. mostly over text and a couple of times in person since she lives in a different city than mine. 

We were progressing, flirting, bantering, looking forward to seeing each other and all (a lot of that was from her side too). But surprisingly, she backed away for some reasons that some of them are legit (recently moving to the country, changing cities and jobs etc.) and some are not. I totally understand when women back away, when things start rushing. but in this case the progression was both sided.

Now I am conflicted since our last conversation, before the drama happened, I gave a word to help with something. (help her find an apartment et al) but then we had an emotionally rough discussion that the next day I was paralyzed. (Yes I am a highly sensitive person and fully aware of it and trying to deal with it)

Since I don't wanna come off as needy or too friendly or too feminine or whatever it is called. I decided to reduce contact until further notice (give her space and try to calm myself down). But should I proceed with helping her with what I promised? especially that I already started with gathering info since I'm from the same city she's moving to. It is not in my nature to be an asshole, but I'm just conflicted.

I know this might sound familiar to many of you all and might seem minimal. But recently I have been facing some things in my life that made this a bit more impactful than it should.

I truly would appreciate your inputs. many thanks.

 

[Gili Trawangan]

If you want to help her selflessly, without any expectation of retribution from her or any agenda, go for it.

It doesn't sound like it though. It sounds like you want to do whatever will put you in a more favorable light in her eyes, hence the hesitation. I'm not judging, it's understandable. Just see it clearly. And know that if she no longer wants to take things further with you, nothing you do will change that.

Detach from the outcome, you live in different cities anyway. Pursue other girls.

[Amer]

@Gili Trawangan  You are right. Its just tough. I really liked her and it was mutual. will do my best to see clearer. 

[Amer]

My thoughts right now are to go with the uneasy choice and not do anything. Just thinking out loud

[mandyjw]

Take a minute to really acknowledge and feel what you're feeling. Confusion, desire to control or know the outcome, desire to know and do the right thing, etc. Drop thoughts and labels and do a meditation of what the sensations of those feelings feel like in your body. 

We want to know the solution, we feel like we NEED to know what the right answer is, what the next action step is. In relationships this can only be intuited or deeply felt from within beyond emotional reaction or need. In other words you don't need to come off as not needy to her, but to yourself. Let go of needing the outcome you want or needing the answer of what you should do to get it right now.  

[Amer]

13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

In other words you don't need to come off as not needy to her, but to yourself.

thank you so much @mandyjw this is really valuable. the thing is, I do want to help because I really empathize. I lived in a different country before and searching for a new place to live and all was an absolute hassle. That's why I'd like to offer help. but because of what happened I'm really confused. Ofc I'd like for things to go back to normal, but I'm feeling at peace even if it doesn't.

[Applegarden]

@Amer Noting wrong with being more feminine as a man, because women are still attracted by that, if they really catch you being that way. Especially in this masculine economy and mindset people laregly have, this is highly anticipated and missed! Somebody will appreciate your support, shoilder to place their head on and talk about their feeling. I would rather suggest trying one thing, exploring your feminine side, see what lies in there, organize, do some meditation/emotional work, see the common trends with people, let your artistic side flow! Yes, we might seem needy in general as the products of the enviroment, emotional work will help you with that.