Experience psychedelics sooner or later?

[Roy]

I'm 27 now. Back when I was 18 I did salvia and smoked a lot of weed which was fun and interesting, but at the time I didn't go any deeper into the true psychedelics even though I was very curious (reading/watching videos for years) because I thought I wasn't mentally ready and it scared me. I told myself "experience more of life and get some other stuff figured out, then you'll be ready."

Well fast forward from 2011 to 2020 and I STILL feel I'm not ready. I'm much more developed; I have a strong financial situation for my age, an awesome partner which I grow with and love, I'm starting to piece together my life purpose, etc. I am at the place I thought I needed to be back then.

However around late 2014/early 2015 I had severe depression and suicidal thoughts (never attempted or made a formal plan), and I've had Pure OCD harm based thoughts about once a year since that time but I've gotten help and done a huge amount of personal development since then (started with Actualized.org actually). I feel I've conquered the majority of my depression and whenever the bad thoughts come up I am detached and don't let them affect me. I realize they are just thoughts. (It was attitude/belief based depression, I never took any medication I got support from a counselor/life coach). 

This however puts a damper on my desire to formally try any psychedelics because the fear just washes out out any fire of motivation of hype I get to want to experience these things. I keep telling myself I need to be perfect and have perfect mental health if I want to attempt even a small dose.

I need some more opinions. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? Wait 5 more years? Jump in and start with small doses? If you need more history on my mental health or anything I'm willing to share.

I am just worried that I'll "break" my mind or something or it'll trigger my depression to come back even worse than before.

DISCLAIMER: My intention is to do them to help guide me in my self-actualization work and so I can learn things about myself and the universe out of genuine curiosity and desire for growth. I have a mature view of them and want to take it in a prepared, safe setting. I don't do alcohol, party, smoke cigs, or do weed or any other substances since 2011.

 

Edited February 23, 2020 by Roy

[Forestluv]

There is no perfect mental health. To me, you sound mature and responsible. 

I’ve gotten a lot of benefits from mini-doses. It’s opened my mind to many things about myself and the world we live in. Who knows, you may resonate well in the mini dose range and just stay there. You don’t need to go into high intense doses for benefits. The nice thing about lower doses are they are much easier to integrate and aren’t taxing to the mind and body. 

[Leo Gura]

Have you considered that your depression is actually a disconnection from being and consciousness?

Your pursuit of sober, practical reality is what makes you depressed, because survival is fundamentally hollow and unsatisfying. You are a hamster in a wheel.

[Nahm]

@Roy You definitely sound like someone who got their shit together to me. Congrats. As you said, attitude is everything.