Breaking free from a fear-based OK life

[KarlJarl]

Where to begin... this body is male around 40 years old and live in Sweden. Overweight but in pretty good shape strength-wise. But that doesn't matter. 

Ok let's start again I found actualized a few years ago. I have always had a life long interest in the "meaning of life" is suppose that's where it went wrong and right from the beginning. I now 30 years later realize that there is no concrete meaning to your life at least not how I had imagined it but then again I found a lot of helpful tools along the way to live life. 

Then again in the new year of 2019, I decided to meditate regularly. A primary reason was to have one critical skill to use if I got a terminal illness in the future. I figured it would be good to have rock-solid mindfulness. But the regular usage of the mediation app for 15 minutes to 30 minutes a day for a year started something. I could continue a connection to oneness were there before was no road ahead. Then I found actualized again when Leo made his real-time enlightenment becoming good video. Despite understanding that 99.9% of the earth's population must think he has become crazy everything made sense to me and I saw the final stretch of road to enlightenment. 

The thing is I have a life that is not compatible with enlightenment. And it resists the transformation. I can feel and predict it and I see that my ordinary life is crumbling for every inch of enlightenment I let into my life and every day. And it is so hard to stay the course because I have no one to tell to bounce ideas to ask for advice to share the transition with. I believe my whole life might change if I continue this road. I believe that once you have glimpsed the road there is no turning back. 

My work as a sales rep for a tech company was boring before but now it seems like madness to continue. And I can't let my mask slip at work but I am just an inch from telling them straight "I hate selling can we please do something creative instead?". Fear. Surely I will get fired for saying that. 

In my relationship, all decisions were fear-based and based on how to be a good boyfriend. We almost broke up but I stuck with it and promised myself to be true and speak my mind and wishes. This is of course not the deal she signed up for and thus the relationship might crumble. 

My "free" want to spend it in a state of ecstatic creative flow! But how a lifetime of keeping the lid on my creativity and waiting to figure out the meaning of life has set som breaks on that process but at least now I know what I am looking for. Spontaneous inspiration to do stuff. Things where the automatic reaction is "what might people say?" there I think is the best portal into an exciting creative opportunity. 

So I hope I will document this journey here. In some way. 

I don't want to be rich, famous or influential. I just hope that one day I can look back to this post and realize I now live a life where I am free to be true to myself and others. Where creative flow is my livelihood and I have no fear. 

 

[Applegarden]

You do that, you will be glad you have a concrete entry on something to reflect on! It has helped for me as well as has meditation! You will discover more and more freedom from that you think life was. It happens for me, keeps happening for me due to all failures and moodswings! Let what you want become true for you.

Edited February 23, 2020 by Applegarden