Breaking up with my girlfriend

[Identity]

I have come on a challenging crossroad on this path. For 9 months my girlfriend and I have been together, and although it was not always easy, we have developed a strong connection.

There have been doubts from my side, and also from hers at some point. A few months ago we agreed to just see where it would go and enjoy whatever that would mean.

For the last week or so doubts came back for me. Yesterday evening we had some challenges, and without much deep contemplation, but speaking from the heart, I told her that I thought it was time to break up.

She was not expecting it. After some initial denial, she bursted into a depth of sadness and hurt that I have never seen before. I really broke her heart.

All night she was crying and begging me to not break up. Because I had not come in with a decisive decision, I told her that I needed a day to see whether I really meant it.

That day was today. I went on a walk with a friend who guided me through coming into touch with my soul. There was a moment of clarity; it is time to break up.

Now comes the most challenging part, following up on that decision.

She is already totally destroyed. The only thing that is keeping her somewhat together is the hope that I will change my mind.

To add insult to injury, she has no family and no close friends here. She is also at an unstable point, since she is looking for a job which has been challenging. Also, she is a very sensitive girl as is.

I am really her main pillar of stability and security. And that pillar is about to be taken away.

How can I handle this situation as best as possible?

At the moment she is at my mothers place, so she is not alone. 
Like I said, she will have little to no support system when I cut the wire...

Any advice? ?

 

[Roy]

Sorry to break it to ya, but it's going to be extremely painful to her. No matter how well you craft your break-up speech........

Considering you came on a forum and made a post asking for advice though, it's likely you have some deeper reservations than you realize about breaking up with her. So I'd consider contemplating some more if you really want to cut it off.

Ask yourself and her some questions like;

- Are you really happy together? Or is it just a relationship of convenience?

- Do you futures align? Can your goals take you both to the same places in the future (3-5-10 years?) without each person changing or bending too much?

- What kind of challenges do you guys have? Have you solved them successfully in the past? Do they keep arising because of pettiness or lack of communication?

Of course there is the situation of her in a sense "needing" you because you are the only one she has around. Think honestly about how this effects your decision and do not let your ego take advantage of this. Give her an opportunity to think about this as well, it's really important she becomes aware of this no matter how painful. However make sure to bring this up lightly and warn her so there isn't as much defensiveness.

Edited February 23, 2020 by Roy

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

I feel you big time with this. Have been in that situation before, where my ex was begging me not to break up, bursting into tears and saying things like she would hold out forever until I eventually came back to her. Like, let me tell you, it was realllly bad, im the guy who knows exactly what you are dealing with right now, its absolutely no joke how hard a situation like this is emotionally. I was with her for a little over 2 years. It was soul crushing to see her crying in person when we met about having the talk about breaking up. Its the hardest thing ever. I had to do it a week later, she was not expecting it, that I just put my foot down and said this is it. I thought karma was going to destroy me for what I did, but 2 years later I have created such an amazing life and have had all sorts of personal growth compared to what I had with her. Fast forward she is engaged to someone else now.

Ultimately you got to do whats best for you. No matter how heart breaking it is to see her like this, you have to realize that staying with her out of pity because of her distraught emotional state will not lead to long term happiness and you will just keep running into the same problems and have that background feeling of being trapped.

My best advice is to be strong and do it, she will also grow a lot from this and find someone else if she wants. And learn from my mistake: don't just jump into something new in a serious way, take serious time being by yourself if you are able to, seeing girls here and there is fine but put some space in between another long term relationship no matter how much you want to jump back in if you find someone who you think is the one for you. 

Edited February 23, 2020 by TrynaBeTurquoise

[Preety_India]

 

Do not keep her in the dark. 

Her needing you should not be used as a crutch to rely on. Because ultimately it's betrayal from your side no matter how much she needs you. A lot of guys subconsciously defend being with a girl just because she is lonely or needy and they feel bad to leave her. Long term this thinking does more harm. 

So go ahead and break up with her even if it appears cruel to keep it straight and simple. 

Sooner or later she will adjust to her new reality and find her own ground and move on. 

 

You should be with her only if you really want to be with her. 

And if you really don't want to be with her, then you should just let her go. Honesty is the best policy.. 

 

[Ananta]

Awe, sorry you are going through this. Yes, it sucks! ❤

I was with my high school boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, then he just started being controlling and basically an asshole, but still breaking up with him was still painful. Two days later he was walking down the school hall with another girl that instantly became his GF. Yeah, he was talking to her behind my back and a few other girls I found out! Anyways, 3 weeks later I met my current husband that I've now been with for 32 years. So, sometimes break-ups are just meant to happen.

[Forestluv]

A few things I would consider. First, breaking up with someone can be extremely difficult mentally and emotionally. I’ve had breakups that took me months to recover from. Second, after a breakup you are not her psychologist or best friend for support. Thats not your responsibility. She needs to develop her own support group. Yet with that said, if someone was would likely face severe hardship if I abruptly cut off all contact, I would try to have a transition period, with clear boundaries that we aren’t getting back together. Leaving doors open and allowing another to have a false sense of hope can be harmful to them. 

For example, one of my ex GFs and I moved across the country and lived together for five years. I got the better job and owned the house. When we broke up, I couldn’t kick her out of the house. She had little savings and nowhere to go. So we set up a side room as her bedroom for six months , which allowed her time to save money, find a better job and a decent rental. Yet we had clear boundaries as now being roommates. 

If I was breaking up with someone and thought they could have a mental breakdown and had no support. I would probably shift to being a friend for a short transition time, while they were forming a new support group and independence. Yet this can be hard if the other person has a strong desire to get back together. 

[Identity]

The clarity I had for a bit, crumbled into confusion and doubt.

I am not sure whether it is weakness of not being able to pull the trigger, or it is my heart telling me it is not time to break up.

What I do know is that my decision to break up is rushed and I can’t do it from the place I am at now.

I will enter the conversation open and honest and express my doubts. 

Thank you all for the advice, much appreciated. Feels really nice to have this support ??
 

Time will tell whether this is the right decision.

[Ananta]

@Identity Good luck

 The BF in high school I was talking about...I had broke up with him twice before the time that it stuck for good. The other two times I just couldn't deal with the pain at thoughs times, so I caved and got back with him. The last time though I knew it was really over and I didn't want the relationship anymore, no matter how much it would hurt and yes, it still hurt.

[Annoynymous]

3 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

@Identity Good luck

 The BF in high school I was talking about...I had broke up with him twice before the time that it stuck for good. The other two times I just couldn't deal with the pain at thoughs times, so I caved and got back with him. The last time though I knew it was really over and I didn't want the relationship anymore, no matter how much it would hurt and yes, it still hurt.

@Anna1 in your opinion, why breaking up with person who is not right or bad still hurts?

[Ananta]

20 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

@Anna1 in your opinion, why breaking up with person who is not right or bad still hurts?

In my case, it was because although I knew he wasn't right for me anymore and wasn't even treating me right. I still loved him and had been with him 2 1/2 years. Also, the thought of him being with someone else was painful.