Big Personal Insight: Consciousness Work is Powerful!

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

Had a big insight about myself the other day:

For years, now, since I was a teenager, maybe even before that, when I was in solitude and would have anxiety-provoking or uncomfortable thoughts appear, I would instantly start saying something out loud, blurting shit out, completely random, like for example start singing or mumbling something funny to myself. Since I started doing consciousness work, I became hyper aware of this for the last few months, but didn't really know what the root issue was. I was wondering: was it my shadow? I didn't know how to deal with it, for example, I was wondering if I should just accept and embrace it, or keep digging deeper to understand. I knew I was trying to avoid the uncomfortable thoughts, but I recently became conscious of the exact mechanism of what I was doing. 

Days before the insight I had watched this video:

Ralston explains why you can't think of music playing in your head (even music without words) and also think other thoughts simultaneously. The reason is because the language that constructs your thinking and the music both occupy the "sound function" in your mind. Thats what they are, actually, thoughts and music: both sounds/noises in your mind. 

I made the connection days later that the reason why I was blurting out random things to avoid my uncomfortable thoughts (maybe about social situations or worries about past/future) is because my mind was wanting to override the "sound function" to take my consciousness away from the emotional labor. 

This insight was pure ecstasy when I made the connection. It was just instantly downloaded into me out of nowhere, wasn't even thinking about the matter in the moment. It seems obvious now in hindsight what I had been doing for all those years, but its amazing how this mechanism was beneath my consciousness for so long, multiple years, intelligently playing out its survival function. Survival/distraction mechanisms are powerful and are processing way more things "behind the scenes" than what your intellect is aware of.