Pushed myself into loneliness

[EspenCeption]

Hello everyone,

I decided to go deep down into conspiracies since I felt the world seamed very corrupt and I didn't see any other way of expanding my own way of thinking. I used to see myself as a stage green type of person all about science and atheism. After conspiracies open my mind to many things and I experienced 1 week of synchronicites all my old beliefs changed. Now I've come to the point where I can't relate to any of my old friends in anything, because my world view has changed so dramatically and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My fear of looking like a crazy person is holding me back from telling them what I actually think. The last times I tried hanging out with my friends I just automatically started lying about all my beliefs and nodding along with everything. It made my feel like the biggest liar and fakest person in the world. It got to the point were I couldn't see any way of changing the lies that I had started so I just completely ignored my friends and pushed them out of my life.

 

For now I am working on increasing my confidence and getting rid of my anxiety since this is what pushed me away from telling the truth. I am also trying to get back to focusing on my spiritual practice like meditation, shadow work, mindfulness, helping others and staying positive, because I think it will help me expand my perspective even more now that I can combine it with what I learned from how conspiracies helped me become more open minded.

 

If anyone have any tips on how I can overcome my fear of becoming an outcast and that I am afraid of hurting other peoples identity if I start talking about how I see things I would really appreciate it. I've been living by myself without any friends for 6 months now, but I am not giving up, staying positive and slowly overcoming my fears all though it is going slow.

Have a great day guys 

Edited February 23, 2020 by EspenCeption

[Recursoinominado]

Loneliness is a big part of the self-actualization process, there is no way around it, even if you do find like-minded people (they do exist but are rare), ultimately, you can't rely on anyone and must derive the answers by yourself if you want to raise yourself to the higher levels. It is necessary to strip yourself from all beliefs and dogmas acquired by osmosis and not derived from direct experience.

I do understand your fear of judgment and loneliness, they are primal fears of human beings, really common. One of my biggest fears is the fear of abandonment and i suffered from non-intentional social isolation for most of my life which put me in serious suffering for a LONG time but it also gave me a unique perspective at life since i had to develop a kind of self-reliance and intellectual freedom from my environment which led me into self-actualization and on my way into levels of consciousness that most people can't relate at all. So, it was a blessing in the end.

Also, don't be a dogmatic preacher, if you really want to share your ideas, share with the ones who are interested or, at least, open-minded, don't fall into the self-righteousness trap where you try to convert everyone. Really wise people don't even feel the need to talk about deep topics all the time, they can even do small talk without feeling like they are wasting time, dumbing down or something.

If you want to express your ideas, do it in a detached way,  do not expect any fruits from it, do it just because, be a channel for the divine and don't be concern with the results, you only can control your actions, not its consequences.

The way i deal with it is: i only talk about deep topics if i feel an opening (which doesn't happen often), most of the time i am the quiet-zen type, i mostly listen to people, ask questions, give short vague answers without expectations to be fully understood. I rarely explain myself to anyone who isn't at least stage green and above.

Edited February 23, 2020 by Recursoinominado

[h inandout]

Your story touches my heart.  I think the friends you are looking for are out there, and with time you can refine your process of manifesting nourishing community. 

I have a friend who is definitely a few steps behind me in some areas, and ahead in others.  I think we do fine silently tolerating each others limits, but I crave those moments when we do sync up.

[mind_blown]

Most of us on this journey do feel the same way, it's scary but yeah.

For me I used to have this mentality where I label myself as somehow more conscious than people around me and I should preach insights to them, this not only backfires but it also made me more and more neurotic. 

As time passed though I realized that there is no really a need to justify what you're doing to others, if you need a mind opener on this one I suggest watching Leo's latest video on explicit and implicit understanding.

I am alone in this journey and so are you,I believe that's a privilege and not a glitch of this work. Hold all beliefs and values loosely, let you're neurocies dissolve with time.

[Nahm]

Much in the same way fear of rejection is behind social anxiety, though it is often experienced dualistically as a fear of being alone...some people mentally assign the feeling of fear to the truth of conspiracies. In any case, nothing has ever been bettered by rejecting it and hiding it away.

The apparent ability to relate to people who are at a stage prior to yours, is the fear of ending up back there. Consciousness doesn’t work backwards in that way. The next stage is letting that idea go, and finding you truly have the vantage indeed. Kind of a ‘if you love it, set it free, if it returns, it is yours’ thing. It’s a paper thin line between remembering or maintaining an idea, and realizing your consciousness has expanded. Ultimately, infinitely, and yet, not at all. 

There is a feeling of urgency, of impatience, in wanting to ‘tell people’ what you think, but not doing so. This is great. You’re noticing the thought doesn’t feel good to you, and recognizing it wouldn’t feel good to anyone else then either. That patience is present, as you are aware of this. Meditation & writing about feelings can release more beliefs, eradicating the impatience, and expanding intelligence & emotional intelligence. It could be said the result is compassion, and no longer experiencing the ‘I don’t know what to say’. The emotional scale is key for this.

On the anxiety note, it could be nutrition and or body brain chemistry induced, but I would also consider the notion that it is not “my” anxiety, like you might think of “my” car, but rather, you are creating it over & over and can inspect how you are doing so, and inherently, effortlessly, no longer do so, no longer create that experience. 

Ultimately, if you are ‘on the path’, it is away from separative perspectives, and a return home via inclusion & unity (rooting falsity out of the mind / uncovering the “separate self”). As such, this is inclusive of all the facets you shared, including the anxiety, which is that which you are seeking, and unfortunately for now, that which you are labeling and missing.