Help : This stage of a relationship seems alien to me

[assx95]

I was in a long-distance with her for ~1.5 years, have met her in real life 4 times. She wanted freedom in the relationship, and as I would later realize it, she'd use that freedom to stop caring about me. Last I texted her before V day - When can I take you out on a candle-lit dinner, (her name) ? It's been 10 days, she has seen but not replied, but had time to post Instagram stories. 

I had an insight that if a person is so free in the relationship, that they stop caring about their partner, they are ironically, not in a relationship. I don't know what to do. I even cried yesterday. I doubt I'll hear from her again, If I don't text her. What's the greatest sign of love here? To text her asking her if she's alright, or to accept that she probably doesn't want me in her life, and to let her go. 

[Gili Trawangan]

Let everything go.

[flowboy]

You are not in a relationship.

There is no action that you can take to remedy this.

 

Therefore, stop fantasizing and pop this bubble. Be nice to yourself. Unfollow her on instagram. Delete your conversations with her. Remove any reminders. Delete her on facebook, snapchat, everything. She probably won't message you, but if she does, don't reply.

 

See, because in that way you make room for something real. You don't have space for a real relationship with a person who cares about you, if you spend energy on this fantasy with someone who doesn't care.

 

Delete everything. Make space for a real relationship, with someone who lives at a reasonable distance, and cares about you and respects you.

 

Probably you'll find that you will have to care about yourself and respect yourself a bit more, first, before such a thing can work.

 

Trust the process

?

Edited February 22, 2020 by flowboy

[Applegarden]

I think best way to help you is to share one of my recent stories of that nature. Mine is even more delusionary than yours, so I hope you will get a kick out of it, at least, and take my advice. This is a long story, but you will see exactly how deluded i became, how i wanted to believe in a fantasy, and that tricking people into escapism and fantasies are a major force leading us troughout history and now. See how expensive love industry is, so many services regarding love, sex, gifts, other services, dating sites, conceptual notion of status and league, and whatever. We wish to believe many things and clue them up with our intuitions, which may be true or false but to what extent and therefore projecting fantasies further from it is dangerous but love is blind i guess and i also want to highlight many behaviours that are illogical even to the doer of these behaviours, and that is a sign some other forces are controling your life, fear or lust or love or whatever and we are not as logical as we think we are. And these feelings go from yes to no, from no to yes from whatever events, immaginations, projections, feelings, other people in her life, even dreams about somebody, and may not be about you at all, meanwhile somebody can come to that point where they invest significant resources to keep on track with what you are doing, fantasies about you, daydreaming about you or just realizing that some time per day toughts about you come up. Still in the back on her head this keeps happening, still she may choose how to act and if she wants to change the behaviour some overcoming needs to happen even if she has the intention as well as her perceptions about life, status, love, partnership, sexual desires, orientation, attraction, personal traits of desirable mate, what others will think of her, mood, the persons energy and many other factors will determine if she will act on these toughts, which is her immagination in the ultimate sense. Depends on what desires she wants to fullfil into her life. My point is, you know you are deluded for the majority of your life in whatever many ways, i suggest watch leo's videos on self-bias and underestanding survival, however if you are interacting with people, pursing romantic relationships it is very counter-intuitive to relate in these areas, some experience is needed (i am not saying i have that), and outright immaginnary, people can decide one thing and then decide something else and quit from your life, and all they said mean nothing now. Or they are with you for whatever unknown reason with you which they will never say, some people date just to find somebody, or just to have children. And they want to share with each others, so there is discussion about whatever delusions you may both have. And don't get me started on leaving an impression and the delusion it creates, i think you already can find many many examples of that and how much time and energy you spend entertaining that, and then it becomes an intuitive force within you mixed up with delusion, recepie for disaster in my opinion, just like in my case. And whatever behaviour she exercises she may or may not sugar coat it and you will believe in cases if you feel you need her or want to get something from her. Or she may shame or manipulate, or even ignore you for whatever reason she feels its the decision.

So lets begin. I want as much detail as possible so that you can see how deluded i was/am. So i can't say that i have crush right now, but i kinda do. She was studying in the same middle school i were. She was a class higher than me. She is a, well, i can say reasonably accomplished pianist with her bachelors degree as far as i know, performing, rehearsing and all that stuff. So i don't want to comment further on her personal life, altho i know very little of it, she seems to do what she really likes and has done mainly for the most of her life, i assume, although i know for a fact the human story doesn't resolve itself at success stage, this is true for everyone of us. Now i will focus on the story of my delusion. But i think she has her life together really ok from the materialist, stage orange or even stage green, having a meaningful profession that does provide value to humanity, probably having somewhat mature attitude in life, somewhat high levels of joy playing the instrument, also there has to be element of wonder because there is certain greatness and brilliance in music and especially of the possibilities of human capability and learning some of the composers works, there is value there, as it is in music in general as it does some things with you when you interact with it. All this is my assumption, so i am deluding myself already. And notice that i have spent time and energy thinking about this rather than self-reflecting.

So i noticed her some time at 2017, i remember her from that middle school, where she performed and i had to count some poem or smth on the stage. So i checked upon her, saw how she was doing and ofc i liked what i saw. Then slowly checked up again and again, and this is how the delusion apparatus works. Now i spend time thinking about her, what would she say to this and this if i showed her this, i wonder what would she have to say about music, i would like to listen as she is playing something and she is very attractive. So already you know where this is going. Then, up to this day, i even checked her today, i have been looking at her, on and off, to fuel and respond to my own delusion about her, and her even acting welcoming toward me, which is complete fantasy. So there you go, my creative endevours even become corroupted, and maybe even never materialized because of that distraction, thats not much to do with her but with my own delusion. Also the fact that she ignored me every time i tried to contact her and comment on her stuff, which idk, maybe invasive, maybe not, but i think she can evaluate that better. However she did try to encourage me with an intention to not be spotted by me and i think kept checking upon me to see what i am doing, maybe even now, maybe she will read this post, who knows. However none of that projection is useful to me but to reinforce my own story about her. I will even reveal something i have told nobody, which is the stupidest way to spend like 400 euros. You will think, what kind of idiot i am for doing this. I went to a fiverr, asked for couple of psychic readings, YES, psychic readings. Got very vague readings, did even love readings, maybe got an info of how this person feels, why she acted the way she did, and yes, do you see the future with this person... So, please see this, i don't know how useful these psychic readings are on anything whatsoever, but i have had some other from a friend of mine who awoke in that sense and did predict some of my future events so. Depends on the person and reality is truly complicated, the present, past and the intuitive side of humans and whatnot. Well are these psychics providing value to us? They are certainly better than the ordinary man in terms of empathy and even the airy-fairy notion of what they are doing, tarrot, healing and whatever. They do exercise some aspects of human consciousness that is good for you. And should you take what they are saying literally? Idk, its very delicate how our cognition works. Most ancient hindu stories should be underestood as metaphores. Rationalizing is not enough. And how invasive is it for me to do such a thing? I asked the physic to attempt to give healing to this persons love life no matter what she is choosing and entertaining in there. And i also did some healings to her, by wishing them good toughts, projected from that space within us that we are. I don't know if it did help her and to what extent, because i don't want to be too invasive, she has her own life and free will. So i tried to reinforce whatever she wants, should become true. So still practically, phycisally, relationship wise i still got nothing, not a single word from her, and that is perfectly fine. Connection wise - i feel there is a connection, i can feel how she is feeling (i think, i don't know if thinking here is relevant), she pops up in my dreams from time to time, constantly talking to me, so i don't know what is really happening in her side, nor it is really important and i will tell you why. I want to be as open as possible because you can see what traps of the delusion i have fell into and see if you can relate. So it is quite an effort to put in such an entertainment, isn't it. Have you noticed that some people just can't let go after rejection and feel that they just have to keep giving endless compliments, complaints about being rejected and this and that not being fair, and whatever other things "no, you don't underestand, i can't let go, i want to keep messaging her, or looking where she is going". She also probably expected me to release some music, which i didn't, and maybe never will.

So what i tought are the things she rejected me.

Too low status, poor hygene. I have nothing atm basically, ofc i am in ok spot but i am a university grad who doesn't fit the stage orange succes paradigm, i even failed to actualize my hobby into something more. Also maybe because of inflated projection that i am better than i really am. So if somebody flakes on you, there could be a reason, however, remember that its their decision so it could be because of forces within her, fear, past projection of something, betrayal, whatever. Also, just wasn't in the mood or whatever. These things can be highly illogical. I remember Leo saying that sex happens all the time and for the most stupid reasons at times, this applies to here also because we are dealing with our fellow humans here and we know how deluded we are if we dare to look within. 

So in your case, this is not healthy, as my thing is not healthy at all. I would suggest, stop entertaining this, look at the oppurtunities in your love life. Your emotion is not as uncontrollable if you take care of it and exercise it. I would suggest looking at what namaskar is. You can exercise your emotions to keep your romantic relationships in monogamy lubricated and feel the passion and love. Otherwise this chemical high will pass and it will not feel the same, as maybe that person in the other end felt, so she flaked. 

Just in case THAT very person is reading this, i am aware of you, its ok, i don't hold any grudge because of you anymore. However this, whatever this is from my side needs to stop, so i hope my immaginations and projections will keep dropping as it slows me down in my life. If that means nothing to you, great, there is nothing to worry about, if it does... I don't know how to help you, you are the artist of your life. See how deluded i am in this example, if you are entertained, i am ok with that, but its time to pull the plug from my side as my life awaits me.  It was a great little adventure in this delusion, but its just not useful to me. Focus on your life and i am sure great things will happen to you.