I am disappointed with me this every time !

[Ingit]

Looking for dysfunction in my mind every day I am just trying to get more and more into my current awareness and the chaos.... But at the end I feel that I was unable to conquer. I fear of my subconscious because I have accumulated a lot of abnormal beliefs and thoughts that scare me when I look onto them and I am forced to rush away from them and become super anxious.....    Instead of growing my awareness I seem to drain away my awareness.m by walking through this process and at the end I become exhausted. Just Posting here to let you people know and If any of you been through the same.... And any alternative strategy that Can work for me ! 

[Gili Trawangan]

Currently going through a bit of that too. The mind is all over the place. The only thing that comes to mind is more meditation, despite the resistance.. 

[Ingit]

@Gili Trawangan I often rarely do meditation these days.... just try to feel my body In midst of the suffering and Trying every moment to be aware of little things I am doing...

[mandyjw]

If you look for dysfunction, you'll find just that. Have you studied the law of attraction? Esther Hicks is a great place to start.  

[Ingit]

22 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

If you look for dysfunction, you'll find just that. Have you studied the law of attraction? Esther Hicks is a great place to start.  

No I don’t know about Esther....! Looking at the dysfunction makes me so energy deprived and I am just pulled into the Force Believe me... how come I knowing and still getting so detached to the ongoing story in my mind.... Cmon that sucks

[mandyjw]

@Ingit Don't look for dysfunction, it is like asking a thief to house sit for you and expecting a great outcome. It is using your ego mind to watch itself. The ego assumes that it is flawed, (which is an incorrect assumption) and then gives itself the job of prove itself right. That's why it's killing your energy. 

Pay attention to how you feel. Use meditation to get in touch with feeling and your body. When a thought that feels bad comes up focus on something else. I would do this a lot when I was driving and had a lot of time to think. As soon as I thought a thought that felt bad or that I knew was from the ego I'd look for something beautiful in my surroundings to notice. Make a conscious effort to appreciate things around you more. Nature is a fantastic tool for this, but no matter where you are there's something to appreciate. Listen to music, lift your mood. Once you've reached a state of "high" consciousness you can go into the depths of examining any sort of "problem" but to you it will no longer be a problem and so the solution is always right there at hand. You need to work up to this state by dropping thoughts, and or picking up and training thoughts that feel amazing to think. Do not "look for" problems until you're there. 

[Ingit]

@mandyjw Okay.... I agree.. But during intense suffering I have an intention of looking inside whats going in me... How to sit  with it purely and comfortable and how come To know thats ego that is trying to watch itself and tricking me.

[Nahm]

@Ingit If you stopped telling the story of a you and an ego...would there be any problem?  Wouldn’t there just be one thought right now, and how you feel? Is there really a second party involved? The thought “ I am disappointed with me “ is said as if you are assigning thought or feeling to some second you, which is the suffering. The judge and the one being judged, are “both” you. Maybe feeling is simply saying, this doesn’t make any sense.

[Ingit]

@Nahm  ?? sometimes I feel hyperaware plus anxious of the ongoing thoughts at the same time.... But Then I feel I have No Choice !

[Ingit]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Ingit If you stopped telling the story of a you and an ego...would there be any problem?  Wouldn’t there just be one thought right now, and how you feel? Is there really a second party involved? The thought “ I am disappointed with me “ is said as if you are assigning thought or feeling to some second you, which is the suffering. The judge and the one being judged, are “both” you. Maybe feeling is simply saying, this doesn’t make any sense.

This does makes sense but theoretically like you said when we say things, (we complain) Like it points towards the inside error.... There must be two things inside me... One which listens and the one which says...(2 subjects inside me) one being myself.... How come It be the one consciousness... dont we have Mind?

[Litaken]

How about instead of thinking about it as  "I fear of my subconscious because I have accumulated a lot of abnormal beliefs", you look it like this: "I fear of my subconscious, and that I have accumulated a lot of abnormal beliefs". See the difference? You are afraid of the accumulation AND your subconscious, and you mind is blaming one for another  You can only get rid of fear if you have found what exactly you are afraid of, but then it's very possible, Leo has excellent mats on fear that will help you.

Look at the whole event you described as a movie in which you have and had no impact at all. Or similarly try to pretend you read minds, and instead of you living this throught think about it as someone else experiencing it, you are just a witness . Were you able to clearly see what's going on like that? 

Right now you probably look at this even as two sides fighting, you and your subconscious. But see this is not the case, it's one thing that is arguing putting up the show. It says that some of the movie is you, and some is not, but it's all you in a sense, or all not you, not inbetween. Try to look at the whole event as a screenplay with the real you not even being involved, just seeing it. 

One of my latest asscracking insight was this, that when I'm agruing with myself in my head, it's not two sides arguing  It's the mind putting up the whole show start to finish, for the observer  You just watch the movie, but your mind gets you entangled with it, splitting it all up as "you" and "not you"

Edited February 22, 2020 by Litaken

[Nahm]

On 2/21/2020 at 9:36 AM, Ingit said:

This does makes sense but theoretically like you said when we say things, (we complain) Like it points towards the inside error....

What “error”...? When you think a thought about yourself / reality, which is not true, it doesn’t feel good. So you choose a better feeling thought. It’s “working” flawlessly. 

On 2/21/2020 at 9:36 AM, Ingit said:

There must be two things inside me... One which listens and the one which says...(2 subjects inside me) one being myself.... How come It be the one consciousness... dont we have Mind?

You’ve never experienced being two. You just haven’t inspected the stories repeating in thinking, about a “you”. 

We do that to avoid feeling. Here’s an example from someone I talked with recently...

Their “problem” was with being / feeling alone. They’d been focused on this & suffering for a very long time. The thought was “I don’t want to be alone, ever”. The feeling was fear / anger, and then shame / guilt when they judged their thinking & feeling. 

Feeling, is one. Thinking, is twoness (opposites / duality). 

They were focusing on the thought (duality)...”alone”, so they didn’t feel. It sounded a bit like...”rather than feeling..I’m just someone who doesn’t like to be alone”. They believed the fear, which they were actually making up, was basically “out there”, or, “just how I am”, or, “just how it is”.

The thought “alone” was a ‘write off’. A way to not feel the feelings. We talked, they felt the feeling. They experienced tremendous relief & clarity, and were very pleasantly surprised to feel what the feeling was telling them all along about themself. They realized, the feeling was responding to the actual thinking, which was fear of togetherness...fear of rejection...self judgement. They found the feeling was telling them that the way they were ‘thinking about what other people think of them’ never felt good. They realized none of the thinking there had any truth. 

[Amandine]

@Nahm  ?? Have you also tried writing your story @Ingit , just purging and "getting it out" on a scrap of paper to see it for the useless shite that it is? I feel like a lot of it is just floating in your head at the moment. When you're emptied of it, you may be in a better state of mind for meditating?

[Nahm]

3 minutes ago, Amandine said:

@Nahm  ?? Have you also tried writing your story @Ingit , just purging and "getting it out" on a scrap of paper to see it for the useless shite that it is? I feel like a lot of it is just floating in your head at the moment. When you're emptied of it, you may be in a better state of mind for meditating?

⬆️????
@Ingit  Then.... Notice everything on that paper that you don’t want, derive from it what you do want, and write that on your dream board.