Dont Know How To Accept Reality

[Orange]

Hey guys, I really hope someone will read this, I know there's a lot of things written on the forum already and no one has much time in life anymore, but I feel so alone writing this right now in my bed and I just hope to get some help from someone out there, I'm so lost .. My issue is simple, but not easy : I hate the world. I hate humans, not all of them, but I have a special place in my body where I can feel all my hatred towards humanity. It's very strange because at the same time I love certain aspects of humanity as well (music, my brother's farting jokes, my little cousin's beautiful drawings, the funny Internet memes people make, mr bean sending himself cards on christmas etc etc). 

Just to give you the context: I was going through YouTube videos and then ended up on rescue videos of stray animals and one thing led to another ; I ended up on crush videos of puppies, kittens and rabbits (fetish videos people pay for where there are sexy girls crushing the live animals to death with their highheels) (I'm so sorry to throw up this information on this forum, but I can't hold it inside anymore, it is rotting in my heart :'( ... 

I mean I'd already seen horrible videos before.. when I was 12 I watched for the first time a video on dolphins being slaughtered in Danemark and I cried my heart out.. I'm very sensitive but then as I grew up I put up mental protections and I started ignoring these types of videos when I saw one on my Facebook time line (for eg.slaughterhouse videos). But there in the back of my mind was the voice who reminded me how coward I was for knowing these things and not doing anything about it...I just want to be happy, and every time I watch these videos I end up desperate, and wanting to kill myself or everybody.. 

But then one day, the day I watched those crush videos, I forced myself to watch the next one suggested, and the next, and then started actively searching on google for more gruesome articles and videos on animal torture, dog eating festival in China, slaughterhouse videos etc. I binge watched this shit for 2 days straight... and I'm just your normal girl on the street but now I don't know what to do with this information...I just wanted to see the Human ugly face...how ugly it could get ..and it is so ugly I want to die. I hate this world I swear..my protective bubble didn't pop, it fucking exploded how can I keep living knowing nothing I do will change the world? There is only so much one person can do..I wish I had a remote control to control things everywhere but that is so childish and stupid yet I just can't accept reality

I came to the conclusion that I have only two options: get out of this life or die trying. I want to try some thing,  but I don't have the courage at the moment, it's so easy to quit on life instead. Help? Am I Alone? 

Ps. Thanks for reading up to here fellow human.

[JustinS]

Quit watching shit like this, and quit feeding your subconscious with this shit too. It's unnecessary for someone to watch death videos just to realize that there is something upsetting about this world. Just walk around in the city and look at around you and that's enough already. 

These are all ultimately external forms of distractions of yourself from looking inwards. First begin by changing yourself (psychologically) than think about changing the world by giving value. 

[key]

A reality hit? Imagine all the evil that has ever happened in the world is every grain of sand on every beach in existence, what you know of would be a single grain. That goes for all the good out there too.

You're deluding youself because your perspective is so narrowed, in turn creating the life you think is filled with nothing but the crimes of humanity and your inability to stop something that's already happened, and doesn't even exist anymore.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Expand your perspective, look within, open your awareness, indulge in the passions you love, find the good, know the bad, accept the moment & start from within.

I wish you the best.

[Orange]

Thanks for the image @Kenya, but when you say it doesn't exist anymore I don't agree, this stuff is going on as I write, or maybe I misinterpreted what you wrote?

[key]

@Orange From a second ago to 2000 years ago, what happened is in the past, finished, done, nonexistent.

Yes there is evil happening in the present moment, but unless you are directly experiencing it with your senses right now it is but a shadow of what was, a video, retelling, an image, past.

I assume that what you wish for is to prevent evil from happening in the first place, but as you know but may not truly feel you can't be everywhere in the world at once.

So to accept is to know you can't change what's presently happening out of your direct experience, what evil you know of had already happened, and what you can prevent is how you impact those around you, to hope they take positivity onwards in their way of life.

Edited June 20, 2016 by Kenya

[Orange]

@Kenya  yea impacting those around me is the only thing I can do realistically but I have a deep frustration that it's not enough. It's so strange this world you know..on one hand there is so much fun and so much 'normal' (meaning, doing the usual : going out to meet friends, playing boardgames at home, brushing teeth etc) and on the other there is all that gore and desperate cries going on in closed rooms and it's all happening at the same time on the same platform (earth). I can't connect the two together somehow and yet this is what it is.

I guess my problem is I want utopia really bad but that is not going to happen ..

@JustinS, thanks for the advice too; what in my psychology should I change though? The letting go new age stuff? Everyone says this like they throw confetti on new years,   but the meaning is so eroded now, it looks empty ( for me at least)

[JustinS]

3 hours ago, Orange said:

@JustinS, thanks for the advice too; what in my psychology should I change though? The letting go new age stuff? Everyone says this like they throw confetti on new years,   but the meaning is so eroded now, it looks empty ( for me at least)

@Orange Instead of adding more things to your psychology especially with more new agey stuff, begin a process of undoing. You right now sound like you are big messy yarn ball. Start pulling the strings, unwind. Or a better metaphor, start to peel the layers of the onion. Peel after peel after peel until you reach the core of the onion. 

Begin by meditating 20 mins every single day, in this way you will slowlyy strip your conditioning of unnecessary habits, perceptions, and especially the obsessive thinking. You will slower over months, years build a strong sense of awareness, that should be your priority right now. To have strong sense of awareness. Like a sword you sharpen little by little every single day through sitting and meditating. A warrior must have a sharp sword at all times to slice through illusions of the mind. Very very important in a person's life. 

If you have any questions regarding mediation, and I mean ANY questions, please let me know and I would gladly answer any. 

 

I also recommend watching the movie "Peaceful Warrior" if you need some motivation, or better yet read the book, "Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman" 

[Mal]

On 19 June 2016 at 2:56 AM, Orange said:

I mean I'd already seen horrible videos before.. I wish I had a remote control to control things everywhere but that is so childish and stupid yet I just can't accept reality

 

Accepting "reality" means accepting that you don't like something.  We don't have to accept everything that is going on outside and that is not in accordance with our values.

That stuff is for later on in your journey.  Right now, if you cannot accept what is, accept your non acceptance.

And stay away from nonsense that you don't resonate with.  

There is no utopia, there is only a situation in the future where we can change our relationship to what is because ultimately we are both light and darkness.  This won't make any sense to you now, or to any of the "no-self" people trying to get rid of their ego's, but it is the truth.  Take your time and follow your heart, you are developing wisely.

Mal 

[Orange]

@JustinS thanks for the reading and watching suggestions, I'll check it out for sure! And thank you for your help; I tried meditation on and off but I need to get down and do this seriously.. I might have questions after indeed nice image of the onion btw,  I hope I don't cry too much when this peels off :))

Hey @Mal, thank you for your advice too. It is an approach I didn't think of ( the accept the non acceptance), I like it! What's up with us being both light and darkness though?..I mean I get that we are both, because I have my shady sides as well, but ...how does it relate to our relationship to what is? Do you mean, because I also have a dark side, I can show compassion for evil acts in the world? 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mal]

24 minutes ago, Orange said:

Hey @Mal...because I also have a dark side, I can show compassion for evil acts in the world? 

Sort of   The more you develop the more you will understand that those acts are manifestations of your own True Self.  It will hurt more, but bother you less.

In Zen there is a path to full Enlightenment called "Tozans Five Ranks".  It explains what full enlightenment is, which is not Absolute Truth bliss state, but an integration of the Relative and Absolute - which means that this relative world with all it's separation and suffering IS a manifestation of the Absolute, or Divine, God Head (whatever you want to call it).

It also means that there is nothing outside of you that can truly harm you.  It's all "you".

But first we need to taste Absolute Truth 

Edited June 20, 2016 by Mal

[ChimpBrain]

My advice is going to be more practical and less philosophical but take it fwiw. You create your own reality to a large extent. The "media" you consume becomes what fills your mind, be it books, TV, Internet, whatever. Obviously stop watching that shit first and foremost. That's been covered. If you're "chicken hearted" like me and have a soft spot for animals consider volunteering for a local animal rescue group or shelter in some way. Fostering animals while they mend enough to be adopted, taking the puppy who's mom got ran over until they can find it a home, work at a no-kill shelter feeding animals and cleaning cages. I think you'd be surprised at how far this type of selflessness would go toward increasing your general happiness and attitude about life/humanity. If you feel that you're personally contributing to undoing some of the evil in the world I think your outlook would change pretty quickly. 

[Orange]

1 hour ago, Mal said:

 - which means that this relative world with all it's separation and suffering IS a manifestation of the Absolute, or Divine, God Head (whatever you want to call it).

It also means that there is nothing outside of you that can truly harm you.  It's all "you".

Hmm, I don't think I tasted Absolute Truth yet.. I hope it tastes like cheesecake 

You know when you say that, I'm thinking about the people I saw on video getting executed by drug Lords in mexico (well actually i went to see those too ) and I'm wondering if, when you are in a situation of torture and absolute pain, can it still help to think of everything in terms of these being the manifestation of your True Self?

Also when you say its all "you", do you mean everything happens to you because the "you" is testing you ? Because you need to grow out of a challenge? Even if that challenge is torture?

I don't understand how suffering is a manifestation of the Divine. For me it feels completely opposite, like the Divine left these places. 

Edited June 20, 2016 by Orange

[Orange]

@ChimpBrain thanks for the positive vibe <3 <3 i guess as long as there are others who care, I'll keep at it. Maybe I shouldn't say that, I mean I wish I could just stand on my own but I'm not brave enough I think. 

[Mal]

29 minutes ago, Orange said:

Hmm, I don't think I tasted Absolute Truth yet.. I hope it tastes like cheesecake 

LOL It's better! (If there is such a thing better than cheesecake?!!)

29 minutes ago, Orange said:

can it still help to think of everything in terms of these being the manifestation of your True Self?

No, you can't think of everything as a manifestation of your True Self until you have had an experience of the Absolute.  This is why we must taste it first.

This is why I said it won't make sense to you at the moment.  However, the reason I dropped it into my original advice for you is that you were struggling to accept reality, but accepting reality first means we accept that we don't like certain parts of reality!  Because our resistance is also part of reality!    Always work with your inner reality first and as you develop you will be able to integrate more of the outer reality.  I made these distinctions so that you can see how acceptance of reality unfolds in stages.  We don't have to be at one with the universe now, we can only be who we are, so we start there

29 minutes ago, Orange said:

Also when you say its all "you", do you mean everything happens to you because the "you" is testing you ? Because you need to grow out of a challenge? Even if that challenge is torture?

The you isn't testing you, the Divine does not discriminate or answer prayers like the God of our monotheistic religions.  It could be said that growth is a process of becoming "one" with reality gradually and learning to co-operate with it.  For example, at our moment of death it could be said that we have grown and developed sufficiently if we are at peace with the inevitable.  If we're sorrowful and full of regret we are still immature and resisting and didn't really grow up during our lifetime.

From the perspective of the Absolute everything happening on this planet "is as it is".  Grace is being able to co-exist with reality even if it hurts like hell.  There is no escaping reality, a lot of teachers try to hide in the Absolute bliss states.  These people are not enlightened according to the wisdom traditions.

29 minutes ago, Orange said:

I don't understand how suffering is a manifestation of the Divine. For me it feels completely opposite, like the Divine left these places. 

Maybe you have some cultural conditioning about what the Divine really is?

This might sound crazy, but if you think about it, it's more real than trying to create a utopia:

Consider this:  How do you really know, as an individual ego, that the suffering and separation on this planet is always completely negative?  Some suffering helps people grow into better human beings.  Wars have been fought and countless lives destroyed for modernity and freedom of speech.  How can we as people decide what is best for the world?  We don't.  We only have our limited perspectives.  And even if we all got our wishes granted, it would never work, because one persons idea of heaven is different to another persons.  Doesn't this sound more Truthful than a utopia?

Edited June 20, 2016 by Mal

[charlie2dogs]

what is reality, where is reality found, and who has access to reality.

[Orange]

Hey that's cool stuff @Mal ! Is the cheesecake giving you this wiseness?  Maybe I should eat more

And yes for sure I'm conditioned, but what you are saying is interesting, are there books on this that you recommend? Maybe this is one of the paths I was also looking for.

Ps. If I ever meet Mr Absolute/Divine/God almighty I swear i won't resist giving him a big fuck you though...However great His intentions are ..sigh.. 

[Orange]

@charlie2dogs well yes..maybe this is all imagination and this struggle is useless who knows

Edited June 20, 2016 by Orange

[Mal]

4 minutes ago, Orange said:

Ps. If I ever meet Mr Absolute/Divine/God almighty I swear i won't resist giving him a big fuck you though...However great His intentions are ..sigh.. 

 I tell Him to go fuck himself about 3 times a day.  Minimum!!

If you are interested, this is Zen Buddhism teachings

[Pelin]

@Orange cruelty is everywhere, wars, environment, animals, dishonesty, manslaughter, everywhere you can think of. What I see is that you choose to see the ones about the animal world. Why don't you go deeper into this? There are thousands, if not millions, of vegans out there who share the same sentiments with you. And there might be actually something that you can do to stop the torture, but first stop the torture you are doing yourself. As .@Kenya and Gandhi says, be the change you wish to see in the world  

[Orange]

@Pelin thank you for your positive words <3

@Mal hahaha thanks for the book

Edited June 20, 2016 by Orange