My Biggest Fear

[PlayOnWords]

This evening, I had a conversation with my dad. My relationship with both parents has been strenuous at the best of times. Anyway, we were texting and the conversation went something like this:

D: Hey how are you? Haven't heard from you since you picked up your stuff. What do you want for your birthday? It's not far away... 

Me: I'm okay you? All I want is love

D: All good here. Love is a two way street

Me:  indeed it is. Love you x

D: Love you too. So what you been up to? Any news to report? 

My dad does not say things like this. He is hard-nosed, straight-laced and a total drill sergeant. 

When I got that message I couldnt help but cry. I was so overwhelmed. I haven't been able to properly cry for a few years now, but tonight, after that message, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for 45 minutes straight. 

I realised during this that my biggest fear is being unloved/unlovable. It's fair to say I was not shown the love I needed as a small child, from either parent. I also realised that this is why I act the way I do, why I'm so negative, why I'm always desperate for validation and love from other people. There is a deep belief in my ego that says I am unlovable and not good enough. 

I am relieved to have this experience and subsequently, the insight. 

As always, I would like to hear your advice on what to do about this, how to heal etc. 

Thank you. 

[Thought Art]

Congrats!

[Commodent]

Cool, now you know what love feels like. Apply that onto yourself

[fridjonk]

@PlayOnWords Happy for you brother! Feel the love! 

[PlayOnWords]

Thank you, people ❤️

[Nahm]

@PlayOnWords Congrats! ? Have you experienced any body oriented healing modalities yet? Short of that, watch the trap of thinking there is resolution created by thinking. It’s a slippery slope that leads back to healing the body every time, wether by modalities or purification, as they are the same.

[PlayOnWords]

Thanks @Nahm. I can't say I have, but that crying session felt like a real breakthrough. As you know, in my recent trip, I was expecting a lot of stuff to come up but it was totally the opposite. A wonderful experience. Thanks for the advice regarding thinking, everyday I see a little bit more how it's basically impossible to escape rock bottom through just thinking. But it has its place, right? Like I can work on my inner dialogue, how I talk to myself and make that more positive but it's not enough on its own. Is that what you mean? 

[Nahm]

@PlayOnWords Basically yes. Cleaning up the psychology is great, but it can never release. Only the body releases. 

[PlayOnWords]

@Nahm is it just a case of waiting for my body to do this naturally? I'd like to induce these releases somehow but seems as though I'm not in control of when it will happen.