Should I cut all ties with my mom?

[DreamScape]

@Anna1 if I ever do, i will remember.

The biggest problem with trauma is not the event itself, I think the aftereffects. Like a nuke that only hits one small segment, but then blows up a big cloud and destroys miles and miles around it, that is trauma. Then it takes a while for recovery. 

It's too bad that it is this way I think. Even though 'everything is as is meant to be.' 

[Ananta]

@DreamScape  There's the after effects, then the unexpected hit during the after effects. Just one big mind fuck after another, hence me pulling the plug many times, for years, to get a break.

[DreamScape]

@Anna1 yeah, I feel you.

[Ananta]

10 minutes ago, DreamScape said:

@Anna1 yeah, I feel you.

The only thing that kept me tied to her regardless of the abuse and dysfunction is that deep down I knew she loved me. Even though she abused me. Very messed up, but my sister says the same. I think that she wanted to do good, but couldn't due to her alcoholism and mental illness.

[Martin123]

12 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

The only thing that kept me tied to her regardless of the abuse and dysfunction is that deep down I knew she loved me. Even though she abused me. Very messed up, but my sister says the same. I think that she wanted to do good, but couldn't due to her alcoholism and mental illness.

I think this could be a lovely sharing here. Take it in, there's healing energy contained in it.

Whenever we are as children victims of abuse, there's an underlying tendency to become 'enmeshed' with the abuser. It is a subconscious strategy saying 'If I befriend and become close with the abuser, I will not be the target'. This is the real reason why so many toxic relationships are so difficult to break. It is because on a subconscious level, it still is a comfort zone. It takes working through all the layers of pain, one by one, until you are clearly and firmly able to say no without any negotiation. It's okay if you can't say the no right away, there is no reason to judge oneself, but every feeling pushes you further towards that moment, where your reality will become abuse free.
From that space, feeling victimized is actually a gift and a pleasure. Feeling victimized says 'I no longer act as an accomplice with a Stockholm Syndrome towards my perpetrator', and so I embrace the victim within me as a way of ending the cycles of enabling abuse, and being my abuser's accomplice.
Feeling victimized almost becomes a joy of being reunited with that innocent child within you that can finally process its hurt, after a lifetime of denial. 

[Ananta]

@Martin123 I talk about it from different angles depending on my mood and who I'm talking to. I'm old, lol, 49...so I've actually worked through it and rarely think about it, unless triggered. When I'm triggered I'm purely going off old memory, usually to help someone with their current issue. However, truth is, I suffered for years at the hands of my mother. It is what it is, but I forgive her and she's passed on now. 

[Martin123]

@Anna1 I know I really didn’t mean to jump into it like that, it’s just that when this happens the universe suddenly gives me an impulse to channel and this really vibrant light enters my nervous system and starts doing things to the person I’m talking to where I’m really not in charge of anything that’s happening, so no worries I wouldn’t really know haha xD. It’s a mystery to me.

[DreamScape]

@Martin123 very beautiful perspective. I notice that with myself, I am still attracted to that comfort zone. If I talked to her, I know we would just go into unconscious patterns again. i dont want that to happen, I want the cycle of abuse and trauma to end. Even now I'm saying "I feel bad, maybe I shouldnt have blocked her." "What if she texted me and I dont reply, how would she feel." But I know I would feel worse if she texted me.

I feel like I'm avoiding a very huge trap.

@Anna1 I wouldnt say its messed up, love is what keeps us together, whether or not it hurts us or not. If I wasnt so closed off originally to her, I wouldve done the same thing. 

[Son of leo]

Dont leave ur mom. She gave you birth. What kind of man are u to leave ur mother like that?

[DreamScape]

@Son of leo shooting myself to "be a man" is not why I'm on the planet lol

[Vladz0r]

Feels like I'm reading a self-post reading this thread. If your financial situation is good enough that you don't gain much from staying at home, leave as soon as you can. Build up an amicable relationship from afar. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy if you find yourself being pushed around and controlled by your mom. Moms specifically have a lot of neurotic behaviors and can be very controlling. There's like a dissonance between trying to raise a man and their utter discontent of all the men in their lives, and this doesn't go away once you grow up. I'm assuming that she doesn't have a healthy relationship with her husband, so that transfers to her relationship with her son. When you do inevitably leave, visit her occasionally, call, etc., because women like the novelty of this type of infrequent relationship. The least violent times with my mom are the short weekends when I'd come back from college. As soon as I moved back in, the "honeymoon" period quickly comes and ends within a week or so and she went back to her same old chaotic volcano self.

This is just how toxic moms are. It's a reoccuring behavior that won't change. You can't hope undo 30-40+ years of habitual neuroticism if she can't even have a civil discussion with you about anything at all. You could buy her a house, a car, whatever she wants and she would quickly become accustomed to her newfound support. You can test this out with small scale purchases and items to see how quickly she loses appreciation for whatever you do to try and improve her daily life. I tried to get my mom more open minded over time, and really from all my efforts I think it maybe budged her to be maybe 2% more open-minded in the past few years. She's actually gotten tired of me even bringing up interesting and uplifting topics and would rather just watch reality TV all day. If I do ever need to get a point across, I have to use the same logical fallacies that boomers are accustomed to believe like appeal to authority, saying things like "lawyers and multimillionaires say this" in order to convince her of something that is plainly obvious to any competent person in my generation. My stepmom and my aunts are the same, arguably even more chaotic in ways. They come to hate and abuse men over time and have poor relationships with their children. It's these kinds of relationships that keeps my hesitant to commit to western women, or women in general. As a mostly straight male, I'd rather bang a trap or a dude honestly. I'd rather take higher suicidal tendencies over getting the full package of hell that's a woman like my mom. A lot of what I mentioned are documentary tendencies with neurotic women, but primarily for moms. I've talked with men who are arguably worse than my mom and just as neurotic and negative. Not going to say that Leo or anyone else will side with me on this, but you simply shouldn't let toxic people drag you down. If a large percentage of your free time is spent around toxic people, you will most likely inevitably get weighed down due to tendencies of the subconscious mind and what it focuses on. Still try and improve and become more conscious in all your social relationships, but it's like trying to teach a homeless person on the street about meditation and "letting it go" when he's in fight or flight mode 24/7. Moms basically go into this mode if you ever challenge them.

tldr; save up and get the hell outta there

 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Vladz0r

[Martin123]

@DreamScape I'd also wanna suggest to you because you're so young and because of the type of journey you're on and the kundalini awakening, don't think too long-term in this.
There will be moments where the wisest thing is to distance yourself from your mom, and then there will be moments where talking it out and actually being truthful about how you feel will be the right decision, it really can't be an 'all or nothing attitude', and when it is, it's usually temporary to have space so you can actually integrate and heal to a degree where you're safe to re-engage in that relationship from a safe and empowered position, where you're not a doormat of anyone's abuse. This realization can provide a great comfort that even though there are parts of you that are scared to take this leap, there is always an opportunity to re-engage if and when you feel it is right. This is simply due to the reason that all the ancestral patterns and cellular memories you're buffing out is what you've taken on from your family, therefor the dynamics of your relationship with them will change drastically as you heal, and through certain shifts in those dynamics the greatest healing will be allowed to enter your body.

Strangely enough, all the empowered choices you need to make on your healing journey, are the exact empowered choices your parents didn't make in relationships with their parents to allow themselves to heal. So everybody always wins, even if they don't see it that way. 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Martin123

[DreamScape]

@Vladz0r yeah, we relate well. Luckily, I'm living with my father and hes like my safe haven you could say. I had to go through two years of arguments and fights and being grounded and ignored to get to that point though. My mom isnt violent, although I feel like it wouldnt have even gone as smooth as it did if I didnt have counselors in my life. It never really seemed like she cared about me at all. I know that all women aren't like that, but so so many people are neurotic and dysfunctional it's literally insane. 

Oh by the way, you're right, the relationship between my dad and her is suuuuuper bad

@Martin123 I understand. I felt like the best thing to do was to wait until I was deeply healed and I could go in full throttle and be okay with whatever happens. So yeah, go with the flow with whatever happens, great advice!

@Fortunate Son she hasn't texted me for a while so there aren't any recent examples. 

When she was, she wasnt giving me the space I needed away. She would constantly text me and expect me to fulfill her needs. I didnt though, and One time she was just super upset and she threatened to tell them that I wasnt living with her anymore and my smoking weed that I did a year or so prior. (I told the guidance counselors the WHOLE story though, so I was safe and okay). One time I had a phone, while being grounded of course, after dark (1030) and she took the phone, and since it was my dads phone (that I took without his permission) she slammed it multiple times and screamed very loud. That made me feel pretty worthless, shameful and dreadful that I even had her as a mom. Also things like telling my autistic stepbrother that the reason why he has autism is because my grandma (dads side) dropped him while he was a baby. She has also made me hate my stepmom before by accusing her in front of me. This is her. 

I closed myself off so deeply because Id get love from her and none the next day. I always felt empty. Plus, I was always comparing it to my dads which was lax, I had more freedom and love was available more readily than it was for her house.

Edited February 21, 2020 by DreamScape

[Arcangelo]

IDK, but if you do make sure you do have The Talk

[Amandine]

@DreamScape

This Be The Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN

 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   

Who half the time were soppy-stern

    And half at one another’s throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

    It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

    And don’t have any kids yourself.

 

Cutting off ties with my mum was the best thing I ever did. Just wish I'd done it much much earlier. Sometimes the longer you put it off, the worse it gets, the bad memories pile up over the years. 

[DreamScape]

8 hours ago, Amandine said:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

hahah, that's fucked up.

Yeah, I agree with you. 

[rNOW]

There's a technique called "Grey Rock" technique to be used to dealing with toxic and narcissist people. You can look up many videos about them on YouTube. It's a technique by which you do not need to block people or reason with them, since toxic people can handle neither of it. So you have to do it in such a way that they lose interest in your life. Is that manipulation? Yes. But the other option is cutting all ties. Which if it works for you, great. Otherwise Grey Rock technique is pretty good. 

Also, it is better if you let go the idea of 'mother' as a loving parent. Sorry but that may not be for you. The more you expect her to love you the way other mothers do, you're going to be disappointed. Instead, give yourself the love you wish to receive from her. Show her how you need to be loved. If she learns, well and good. If not, well and good too!

Edited February 24, 2020 by rNOW