Trip Report : Changa and Trauma

[Xochiquetzal]

Some background about myself : 

 

When I was younger, by 13-16, I used to have depression, I kept having very anxious existential thougts, crying for no reason, I really wasn’t able to enjoy life, I was always judging everything as « bad » or « boring », I was pretty convinced that life = suffuring .  I was already very interested in spirituality, especially the Sufi/Muslim spirituality and, one winter when I was 16 I had the chance to buy a few Hawaian Baby Woodrose seeds containing LSA . Taking 10 of the seeds at once gave me a reality shattering experience which helped me so much for my depression and led to the pass of spirituality .

Since them I have been meditating regularily, and giving much importance to my spiritual discovery, I also tripped quite a lot . I’ve done LSD, shrooms, 4 aco dmt, 4 ho met, 2CB, 2CE and Salvia . 

 

Set and Setting : 

 

It feels very odd for me to write this but I will try to do my best . I met a friend, let’s call him Max who, just like me is very interested in Tryptamines and their enlightenment potentiel, he loves DMT, DPT and 5 meo DMT in particular . Though, I never felt that I was ready to try such intense substances (he told me DMT was the « easiest » one) . 

But one day, something quite terrible happened to me, I was raped and that left a quite traumatic impact on my psyche .

About one week after the incident, I called Max to tell him i was now ready for the DMT, I had certainely to will to face that trauma and start life even stronger than before even though I felt very bad .

 

The Trip : 

 

We are outside in a very nice patio, I am leaning on a couch, and as I play Abiogenesis from Carbon Based lifeforms, I am offered a changa joint containing 25mg of DMT . 

 

As I inhale the smoke, I feel waves of love rushing through my body . I breathe deeply, I feel serene, I am so gratefull for that serenity . I keep inhaling . Alive geometric patterns start to fill up all the walls, at first, I am astonished but in all that cahos, I stay serene and grounded . I think after my aggression, I accepted that I lost a part of myself, therefore the ego loss of the DMT felt natural, hell yeah I just wanted to let go and become the flow . Then I close my eyes . Red fractals,  a feeling of warmth and calmess . I am back in my mother’s womb I remember how great that place feels, my soul feels like it’s being regenerated .

 

 I open my eyes . Beauty everywhere, beauty=love . I stare at myself in the mirror . I love myself, I love the face I see even though I know it’s not really my face . I smile . My friend brings me outside, the sun is just setting . As I am still feeling the effects of the DMT, we walk in town, I can see an incredible level of detail everywhere . Seeing that town being so beautifull made me very emotionnal . 

 

After that, I cry a lot, I feel very miserable releasing my negative thougts and energy . I only feel so bad because of a memory . Sure it’s a horrible memory but a memory isn’t present, a memory isn’t tangible and it should not hurt me .

 

This trip really helped me to handle this trauma, I don’t really know what to say besides this …

 

 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Xochiquetzal