Taking Decision For Sake Of Family

[jes]

How harmful this will be on your mental health in long run , if someone takes decision for sake of one's family , realising that this is what your mother wanted ( you feel , may be they have life experience and give control of your life to someone else) ? 

[Mal]

Hi jes,

I don't want to insult any culture here, it's not my intent to cause strife in this forum.

But if you want to see how this situation is going to look in the future, look no further than your own family dynamics in order to get a feel for what your own life will be like in the future having been dictated to by your parents.

It's no different here in the West for many of us. The dynamic of "inter-generational wounding" is a pervasive and unnoticed phenomena in all corners of the world. 

The bottom line is: People do to others what has been done to them.  Awareness is seeing this pattern and breaking it.  

Warm Regards

Mal

 

[Donald]

 Hey there ! 

You have taken the first step wich is noticing that behaviour.  I am not aware of you specific situation , so my advice will be generic . The best advice I can give you is NOTICE ( your family members reaction , and your reaction ) How do you feel when they tell you "do as I say "? Or" it should be like this because I know it better than you "!!!

Give yourself space to experience these feelings .

All the best

[Fello]

Oh man, This is going on a lot! here in the middle east.. Everything is about family. They even decide what major to study, whom to get married to and what job to do.

Sometimes if your decision will effect the whole family then you might wanna be considerate. For example I have a job I am not feeling very happy in it,, I could just resign and walk away from it and do what I love even if it means making almost no money, but if it means that my family that I am providing for will be suffering because of that and maybe even kicked out of the house for not paying rent then I would definitely hang on to my job until I find a good alternative and be a little patient. However if it was that my mom wants me to get married to someone she wants in our family and she wants to see her grand-kids while I am really not into doing that or not even ready for such commitment then f**k no I won't do that. My happiness comes first.

I would be happy to help my family and most of the time fix what my parents destroyed in the past but my future should be on top of all. Specially if it was something they want and it is unreasonable to me. for example if you are a certain race and you are dating someone who is from a different race and your parents don't want you to do that then they better screw themselves. basically what I am doing is if it is something that the family NEED then I would let go a little bit and try to find a mutual solution but if it is just something they want then I would definitely put my happiness and future first.

And regarding them having more life experience.. what matters is what you feel in your gut. If you feel this is wrong do it and if you feel it is right just do it. My ex's family used to tell her to stay away from me. they didn't even know me but their advice was based on prejudice and generalization. Even her friends told her to be cautious. because "Arabs always wanna take an advantage of you" and because "he will take the kids from you and raise them in his country" and because "They always mistreat women" just many judgments that were full of crap and she never believed them which is good. I treated her better than she treated herself. Better than how her parents treated her. I was the best BF she ever had according to her. She got nothing but love and respect. 

There is a lot to talk about in this one. but as long as your decisions don't harm your family in a real way then you should be able to do what ever you feel happy doing.

Nice Topic!, sorry for the long post..

Fello