Help me: Psychedelics for those who are hypersensitive and afraid.

[Endangered-EGO]

Hello guys,

TLDR: Weed put me in the dark night of the soul (infinity, timelessness, nothing seems real (DR), dying sober, nothingness), and I am so terrified of uncontrolled changes in consciousness, that I am not able to take small doses of psychedelics/weed and anxious about Kundalini changes in perception too. How can you guys help me overcome this?

I am somehow experiencing infinity since I am a child, maybe because of genetics. Mystics would say I was a mystic in previous lives. I don't know if it shows up once I am suffering, because I experience it during fever at night, and was somehow trapped in it as a child, even after waking up. My mother of course didn't understand what was bad about a random neutral dream with infinity.
I am not conceptualising infinity, because I experienced it shortly before my Kundalini got activated this year during meditation. Without suffering this time for the first time. That's when I realised that its not the first time I experience infinity.

When I was 16 (I am 21 now) I didn't feel that good because I felt the infinity and wanted to ground myself with a cigarette and decided to smoke a blunt (weed) instead. What followed was a panic attack with lots of weird energies in my Body, time standing still and this lasted for hours.

The following 6 months was some Dark night horror. I was sober and died every day(evening). nothing felt real, and I believe the feeling of "I am nothing and people are just flesh-robots, there is no perceiver" is called the nothingness? That of course led to a existential crisis, and I am to this day trying to make sense out of it. The video "factettes of awakening" made me realise that I wasn't just wishfully trying to explain it as ego death, but it is actually more than one awakening at once.

Weed alone didn't put me in there, so I don't  think you guys should take weed and hope for formless things to come up. My best theory is that I felt the infinity before, and not having concentrations skills, the incredible fear gave me the focus necessary to concentrate.

Now I can not take more than 3 puffs of weed because of the fear of the nothingness coming up, and wouldn't even imagine stronger psychedelics. I realised all the fears I had were based on the psychotic fears I developed from the "awakening".

I was also really shaking and afraid the moment Kundalini started rising once I realised I couldn't control it. I am not afraid of the physical "pain" from Kundalini, but from the psychotic Dark Night shit that might come up.

I tried to just smoke a little weed every day, like a few puffs, but I stopped once fear started to rise. Some medication that makes me high is also making me anxious. Benzos and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors don't though.

I have to face my fear of the dark night and I believe that you guys can help me do it. If I don't face that fear other fears will come up and in the end I will still have to face it. Note that if I end up high and panic a little, this will be counter-productive and probably trigger my Kundalini. So facing the fear head on might not be the best idea, but would put me right back into the dark night of the soul until I entirely give up. 

I heard that most people don't have hallucinations from weed, but I do have visual and acoustic hallucinations from it. Long before the dark night.

My stoner friends would just say: Man don't think about your psychosis and listen to some music, it s all in your head.

I would be eternally grateful if someone could just write down that miracle solution I have been waiting for years. Keep in mind, I want to face that fear and not run away from it like I did the last few years. If it is possible without going through some infinite-timeless-nightmare that would be great.

[Arzack]

It's the same for me, I can't enjoy smoking weed anymore. You have to realize that the hell weed let you have a small glimpse of is what you're gonna face after death anyway. That's the strong pull you need to gather the courage to take psychedelics breakthrough doses, which bring the same irreversible soul changes spirituality work aims to. EACH BREAKTHROUGH DOSE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO ONE LIFE-TIME/REINCARNATION AMOUNT OF WORK. See my website for all info and sources on this: https://www.reddit.com/r/speedruntonirvana/wiki/phase3

Edited February 17, 2020 by Arzack

[wk197]

I originally thought when you take weed it mellows you out and everything becomes funny and thats probably the case for most people.  I've already kind of known that some people are hyper sensitive to certain drugs like these and I imagine its not the escapist drug they hoped for. I've taken psychedelics once but I don't have the guts for it and I realize spirituality/consciousness stuff is out of my league of ever properly grasping or understanding so I won't take psychs again. I just find trip reports entertaining

[Forestluv]

24 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I am so terrified of uncontrolled changes in consciousness, that I am not able to take small doses of psychedelics/weed and anxious about Kundalini changes in perception too. How can you guys help me overcome this?

One way of viewing it is like zones of intensity. Imagine a 8 year old boy from England that has a fear of crowds. For him to face his fear, should we drop him in the center of Mumbai, India by himself? Of course not. This would have severely traumatic consequences on his mind and body. It would be much better to ease him into it. Perhaps take him to a local park that is isn't too crowed. And then perhaps to a sporting event that is semi-crowded. . . Rather than a sprint, think of it like a marathon. Rather, than having one big dramatic fight here and now, what if you saw it as an ongoing process of growth and development. . . . I've been unwinding conditioning for over 30 years and I'm still at it after thousands of hours of meditation, introspection and 100+ trips. . . Last Saturday I was talking about childhood conditioning with a psychologist friend and had a huge realization of a particular repressed feeling. 

If your or mind-body is trying to communicate through intense anxiety that going a route could cause massive trauma, then back off and try something else. Or just do a tiny bit to see what happens. You don't seem to be describing a basic level of anxiety in which we take a deep breath and go for it. . . Last summer, I was climbing up to "Devil's Bridge" in Arizona. I have a fear of cliff heights and as I climbed toward the higher cliff, my body clicked in with severe anxiety. Not a little bit of anxiety in a "face our fears" way. An intense anxiety/panic and my body told me "Do not continue. Period". I lost my balance and started experiencing vertigo, like I would fall.  I just knew if I continued up, it would be seriously traumatizing to my mind-body and there would be a good chance that I would actually fall in this mind-body state. So I climbed back down and went to a place in which I was experiencing slight/moderate anxiety. I sat there and meditated with the anxiety and was able to surrender into it and I grew a lot from that experience. Yet, if I tried to make it all the way up to Devil's Bridge at that time, I think it would have caused trauma to me. . . Yet not to others. I noticed people on this narrow rock bride (about a foot wide) doing freaking Yoga poses and snapping selfies for IG. The drop was over 100 ft. and surely death. Yet they weren't fazed at all. . . 

[Endangered-EGO]

@Serotoninluv Yes that's exactly what I intended to do. Microdosing weed every day and slowly getting used to the fear of the Dark night. Its not just a fear that goes away, the best I can describe it is, that even though the "trip" only lasts for hours, it feels like lifetimes when infinity shows up.
I accepted Kundalini to slowly but painfully rise up my spine and fortunately, no infinity and no timelessness appeared.

Its also not like climbing up a Mountain where to go down again. Its more like jumping out of a helicopter and instantly realising you don't have a parachute, there is no going back into the helicopter, you just fall faster and you expect the ground but never see it. Damn I just went deep metaphorically.

The main problem is that the effect is not proportional to the quantity of the dose, but once the formless shows up with fear, there is no going back down. And if it triggers Kundalini, which is very possible, I will be in more Dark night stuff than I signed up for.

[Forestluv]

9 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Serotoninluv Its not just a fear that goes away, the best I can describe it is, that even though the "trip" only lasts for hours, it feels like lifetimes when infinity shows up.

Its more like jumping out of a helicopter and instantly realising you don't have a parachute, there is no going back into the helicopter, you just fall faster and you expect the ground but never see it. 

I know this dynamic well. Taking a psychedelic and entering a space of "I shouldn't have done this. I want to go back". Yet I can't go back and there can be a panic of not being able to go back. Not being able to stop it. 

As well, time often has no meaning during a trip. When in that timeless anxiety/panic space, 4 minutes, 4 hours, 4 weeks and 4 years all have something in common: they are all "not now". 

Again, if you enter these spaces I would recommend taking extra care with psychedelics. This might be a dynamic that needs to be worked through. Ime, there were people that told me the anxiety issue is just egoic resistance to ego death and awakening and I need to face it. They were well-meaning and this is true in a way. Yet they also didn't have to live with weeks or months of trauma-related anxiety. Like I said, we wouldn't take an 8 year old boy and drop him in the middle of Mumbai by himself. 

As well, that anxiety inducing infinity can also become peaceful / blissful. 

[ivankiss]

Don't consume anything just because someone on YouTube or elsewhere told you it's the way. You might just end up in hell.

Stay away, forget about it. Do what fills your heart. If psychedelics become relevant and appropriate for you; you will know.

There are two kinds of fear; Healthy fear and fear that's clearly telling you to take another route for the benefit and wellbeing of yourself and all.

 

[Rilles]

dont do it until youre ready, theres no rush, maybe in 10 years youll have grown and matured enough to go as deep as you like, but there are other ways to go about spirituality too, some people just sit and stare at a wall, thats also valid

[Endangered-EGO]

@Serotoninluv  Yes I know that I need to slowly work on my fear, but I have no idea how. I had to work on minor fears like social anxiety, during the ego backlash, and what worked best was a step by step ladder like. One would be the things that didn't make me very anxious and 10 would be the most intense fear I can imagine.

In this case 10 would be Psychotic Infinity + torture lasting forever and 1 would be the prana I feel in my Body.

Can you tell me how I should approach that? I would just say, smoking a few puffs every day.

EDIT: I just talked to someone who is enlightened about this: Dark night of the soul is the lower self fighting the higher self and fear is a lack of love. Simple answer which makes sense to me.

Moreover I probably don't need drugs, because I believe Kundalini is waiting for me to be ready for rushing up again. My Intuition told me that love is the way.

[Forestluv]

47 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Serotoninluv  

Can you tell me how I should approach that? I would just say, smoking a few puffs every day.

EDIT: I just talked to someone who is enlightened about this: Dark night of the soul is the lower self fighting the higher self and fear is a lack of love. Simple answer which makes sense to me.

Moreover I probably don't need drugs, because I believe Kundalini is waiting for me to be ready for rushing up again. My Intuition told me that love is the way.

I would trust your intuition and get in touch with your feelings and be mindful of creating new thought stories of identification. 

I probably wouldn't address it through smoking everyday - for me it would probably just create a new habit and escape realm. I would put some effort into experiencing it in the moment. If social anxiety arises, get in touch with it. I've found a little bit of thought story ok for grounding, yet it's super easy to get immersed into these stories of "who I am". The actuality of what is happening Now is super important for me. And that means experiencing whatever is happening now and not trying to get to some other place. Substances can be a method to get to another place, yet so is thinking and imagining. One of my mind's #1 escapes is to think about who I am and spirituality. 

[Endangered-EGO]

@Serotoninluv I also used Spirituality as an escape, but I needed to realise that escaping from reality is not the way spirituality works, I need to face reality in order to do spirituality.  Now how do I find love? I found that praying for other people is making me feel some love? I don't know, but I am excited. Kundalini actually gave me a little taste of love for about one second when it rose up the first time. Just very briefly though. I need to be more mindful for when love shows up.

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO You could fill up a dream board with everything you love, and just, do that stuff. You’ll know then, precisely what resistances you’re holding, and you can address them, while living the life you actually want to live. You might even discover more of who you are, which can be quite empowering. 

[Amandine]

22 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

I noticed people on this narrow rock bride (about a foot wide) doing freaking Yoga poses and snapping selfies for IG. The drop was over 100 ft. and surely death. Yet they weren't fazed at all. . . 

Hahaha, you gotta laugh, people are funny, love it! 

Edited February 18, 2020 by Amandine

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

4 hours ago, Amandine said:

Hahaha, you gotta laugh, people are funny, love it! 

Its all fun and games until you do try the handstand pose there

[Amandine]

16 hours ago, TrynaBeTurquoise said:

Its all fun and games until you do try the handstand pose there

Yeah, or a roly poly, that's just showing off territory lol 

Glad I'm not an adrenalin junkie, I like my feet firmly on the ground

But hey, these guys could be quite enlightened, they don't seem that afraid of dying haha 

Edited February 19, 2020 by Amandine