I feel hopeless about surviving financially

[Hardkill]

Things have not been going well lately with my career. Last week, I was forced to take a leave of absence from my Master's degree in Teaching program because I screwed up with the teaching placement internship experience for my program twice. I couldn't follow my guiding teacher's instructions effectively enough and I was too slow with delivering my lesson plan. The first time I got cancelled was back in early September, and then I had to go through a 4 month placement academic review (PAR) process with a guidance counselor, who was supposed to help fix all of the issues I had during my first placement experience. I worked with this counselor consistently for over 4 months on extensive outlining and planning a toolbox of things for me to use for my second chance at another placement site which I tried during the middle and end of last month. I always came on time if not early everyday to my placement site and always look very decent and very professional. I acted as a very polite, respectful, and decent individual who behaved appropriately around the faculty and the school kids.

According to the complaints the assistant placement director she received from my first guiding teaching were:

1. I had difficulty following directions a number of times and so my guiding teacher during a number of instances had to modify the set of instructions or directions      she gave me for a certain task or assignment she gave me to do.

2. I took too long to do certain task given to me by my guiding teacher, such as cutting pieces of paper in the faculty work area for about 25 min.

3. I made her feel uncomfortable when I was near her personal space (*this was actually not true and I don't know what she was talking about).

One of the most unfortunate things about all of that was that my first guiding teacher never even talked to me or warned me clearly about any of this in person before she decided to cancel my placement. She instead told her boss, the principal that she couldn't work with me any longer, and then the principal herself told the assistant director about it, who then told me about the news over a phone call and email. This guiding teacher turned out to be a spineless coward who didn't have ANY DIGNITY to tell me this in person. Instead, she blindsided me by telling me on the very last day that I saw her that would see me next week and then go tell the principal about her issue with me behind my back. I of course felt very devastated by this and actually fell into a major depression over this during the following few months.

After completing that placement academic review process with the counselor and got myself prepared to go back and try again at another school placement site, I did my very best to implement EVERYTHING that me and my PAR counselor work very thoroughly on to ensure my success this time around.

This last guiding teacher I worked was more upfront in a good way and really did try to help me success this time with the placement. I thought that I was performing better this time around by being even more active and prepared to help out my guiding teacher's students in the classroom in every way possible. I came off as a very likable and charismatic person who project even more enthusiasm, energy, and alertness then I did before during my last placement site experience, not just around my guiding teacher and other faculty members, but also with the all of the kids. Also, I always came on time if not early everyday to my placement site and always look very decent and very professional, just as I did during my placement site. I acted as a very polite, respectful, and decent individual who behaved appropriately around the faculty and the school kids.

However, there were unfortunately a number of instances times were I did screw up following the directions and each time I would screw up she would mention it to me. Eventually, she told me that she became increasingly concerned with my ability to follow directions because as a teacher I have to "think on my feet." Furthermore, I took too long with with my very first lesson plan, which I co-taught with the teacher (I ended having the lesson taught for about 3 times a long as it should have been time-wise). Finally, last week on Monday I got a call from the Assistant Director of the Placement, who told me that she had noticed the concerns from the emails she received from both my guiding teacher and my university class professor (who taught the class I had to take concurrently with my placement site experience and is part of my Master's degree teaching program) about my performance. The Assistant Director stated that she was receiving the same concerns that she received from last placement (except this time there was no complaint about me making the guiding teacher feel uncomfortable like my previous guiding teacher complained about). while my placement was technically not being cancelled again yet, she estimated that most likely it will be cancelled. I told her that I while I understood these concerns, I told her that I was actually getting better this time and improving from my mistakes over the course of the few weeks of my placement experience. She said "Yeah.....though to be honest your guiding teacher and university professor have felt that you haven't been making fast enough progress. They also said in their email conversations that they are very concerned that I could jeopardize the kids' education and not be able to effectively manage them." This shattered me completely and I told her how horrible I felt and how very disappointed and upset none of my success advisor and PAR counselor failed to fix my issues and prepare enough the second time around for the placement site. My PAR counselor was supposed to ensure my success as long as I completed the PAR program with her 100% completely, which I did. The Assistant Director said that I indeed successfully completed the PAR course with the counselor and was confident that I would be prepared this time around; however, she said that they can only do so much and apparently were not and are not able to help with the specific issues I have. She said that sometime later during the week or next week that someone would be coming in to observe my performance. However, the deadline for dropping the course and getting my refund of this quarter's tuition was the day after my phone call with the Assistant director. Also, she said that because she predicts that my site placement will probably be cancelled again, I will this time have to go under a serious academic review from university to decide whether or not I should be terminated or what to even do with me. I decided that I couldn't risk losing the opportunity for my refund and eventually getting notified and have on my school record that my placement is 100% cancelled again. Therefore, I decided to drop the placement site and my concurrent university course for quarter the next morning and take a leave of absence from the program. This was an incredibly painful thing for me to experience.

I am 32 years old, I got kicked out of an MOT occupational therapy program a few years for sexual harassment, this MAT teaching program didn't work out for me, people all my life ever since I was a little kid constantly got frustrated with being unable to sufficiently pay attention well or listen well enough, and I've already been rejected by several jobs that I just recently applied for. Even at the hospitals I volunteered, they thought that I've was becoming a liability to the patients I was assigned to help. The Occupational therapists I shadowed back when I was applying for OT school told me that they didn't recommend that I become an OT because I don't have the capability to become a good one. ADD (predominantly inattentive disorder), APD (auditory processing disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), Depression, and Asperger's for my entire life. I've been to all kinds of highly qualified therapists and psychiatrists all of my life. I tried reading up on all kinds of self-help for my disabilities. For countless years, I've tried very hard to apply all of the best advice I've ever gotten for my disabilities. Yet, I am a 32 year old unemployed worthless freak who probably isn't cut out for living in this world. I no longer believe that I have anything useful to offer to this world. No one wants to hire me and even if I did get a job no one will want to keep me.

The only paying jobs I've ever had were when I worked for my father as an Assistant Draftsman and Construction for several years and when I worked as a Seasonal Sales Associate at Halloween retail store for only about a month long.

Everyday since I took the leave of absence, I've been feeling this impending doom over my financial life. 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Hardkill

[Ananta]

Sorry to hear about this, its sounds like you are trying so hard too. ?

Sometimes we have challenges that we just can't do much about, except roll with the punches. My career has been a major challenge also. I'm an RN. I couldn't hang with being a hospital bedside nurse. It was just too damn hard, so went into home health. 

Anyways, I feel for you. When I was at a college in the nursing program ppl were dropping like flies (getting kicked out) like crazy. Started with 43 and 2 yrs later there were 11 left. One lost her mind when it happened to her, she started stripping at a club and doing hard drugs. She died of a heroin OD 1 year later. So, sad because she allowed it to completely destroy her.

You have gotten pretty damn far education wise (in a masters degree program) to just give up. Keep fighting, if it's what you want to do. Keep searching for ways to help yourself improve. I know nothing about that career, so can't help with specific ideas, sorry.

However, I am curious, when you say this-

"Even at the hospitals I volunteered, they thought that I've was becoming a liability to the patients I was assigned to help."

Why did they say this? Perhaps it will give some insight to a behavior that needs tweaked?

And this-

"I've already been rejected by several jobs that I just recently applied for."

Do you think it's your resume? Or a behavior ppl are seeing?

I honestly am only asking to see if I can help. If you don't want to explore it, then I understand.

[Hardkill]

48 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Sorry to hear about this, its sounds like you are trying so hard too. ?

Sometimes we have challenges that we just can't do much about, except roll with the punches. My career has been a major challenge also. I'm an RN. I couldn't hang with being a hospital bedside nurse. It was just too damn hard, so went into home health. 

Anyways, I feel for you. When I was at a college in the nursing program ppl were dropping like flies (getting kicked out) like crazy. Started with 43 and 2 yrs later there were 11 left. One lost her mind when it happened to her, she started stripping at a club and doing hard drugs. She died of a heroin OD 1 year later. So, sad because she allowed it to completely destroy her.

You have gotten pretty damn far education wise (in a masters degree program) to just give up. Keep fighting, if it's what you want to do. Keep searching for ways to help yourself improve. I know nothing about that career, so can't help with specific ideas, sorry.

However, I am curious, when you say this-

"Even at the hospitals I volunteered, they thought that I've was becoming a liability to the patients I was assigned to help."

Why did they say this? Perhaps it will give some insight to a behavior that needs tweaked?

And this-

"I've already been rejected by several jobs that I just recently applied for."

Do you think it's your resume? Or a behavior ppl are seeing?

I honestly am only asking to see if I can help. If you don't want to explore it, then I understand.

At the hospitals, I couldn’t follow directions well enough because I couldn’t listen or pay attention well enough. For decades, I’ve been taking meds for concentration and tried all kinds of special listening skills for someone with my disabilities.

I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I tried asking my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law for help with my resumes and my behavior, but nothing has helped enough.

Honestly, I don’t what there is for me for ever getting and keeping any job. No one owes me a job and I probably don’t even deserve to have any kind of job.

I don’t know much more of this emotional pain I can take before I decide to finally take my own life.

Furthermore, even if I don’t commit suicide, I don’t know how I will be able to survive when my parents are no longer alive to support me. 

 

[Joyboy]

Hi Hardkill, I don't know you but I know you are HARD to kill, right? So keep fighting.

Did you try working online?

If you need some cash to surviving financially, there's always a way.

https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkOnline/comments/41trkj/shibests_ultimate_guide_to_making_a_living_online/

 

 

[Applegarden]

Damn, i really empathise with you. For sure i wish you to find a job and most probably your prefered job! Next time you do have a job i would suggest very minimalistic lifestyle so you have a safety pillow, i will do this once i graduate and start working because there is no guarantee really that anybody whatsoever will take care of my ass, and there is no need anymore, i even kinda hate that i went to university, i would already been working and saving up thousands, but meh, whatever, seems like the people up there didn't care, acctually not many people care at all, and if they see you not doing how you should, they will just keep shaming and shaming you, thats how it is, sadly or maybe not so sadly sometimes there is nobody to pick you up, might aswell do it yourself and live your life ferociously, with minimal interference from others. Our lives are 100% our responsibility, yes and the discrimination or all-for-one education and whatever is a systematic problem but you know, there is no easy way to change that. At the end of the day in my opinion, life seems to not be about all that at all for you and me individually.

Edited February 17, 2020 by Applegarden

[Elisabeth]

Oh, I'm so sorry  

It seems like you have improved between the first and second placement a lot, will you try again? Working further with the counsellor and doing another placement? 

If you can't be a teacher in a normal school, could you teach kids with disabilities similar to your own? (maybe that's a terrible idea, I don't know)

If you can't listen to instruction, can people around you adapt and draw and write down as much as possible?

But wow, choosing to be a teacher if you have auditory processing problems sure is brave. It's definitely not your stereotypical aspie environment. 

[Average Investor]

What subjects are you trying to teach? You could try to teach them in some other type of setting if it does not work. There is a lot of options these days from things like youtube to one on one teaching. There is likely good pay where you are at for tutoring as well. You could even start your own business in that. That might be something to hold you by while you try again or you might find these other avenues more appealing since they would have less formal structure. I did not like the school system much in the first place, so I could not imagine enjoying working it. I do hope that you find a solution. There are plenty of other things you can do besides teaching as well. Not saying you have to stop following that, but just know that it won't be the end of the world. 

[Ananta]

20 hours ago, Hardkill said:

At the hospitals, I couldn’t follow directions well enough because I couldn’t listen or pay attention well enough. For decades, I’ve been taking meds for concentration and tried all kinds of special listening skills for someone with my disabilities.

I see, it seems you are trying very hard to compensate as best you can with the issues. 

20 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I tried asking my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law for help with my resumes and my behavior, but nothing has helped enough.

Do you still need help with the resume? What type of jobs have you been applying for lately? Do you look the interviewer in the eye and shake hands, speak fluently when asked questions? Any problems with that kinda stuff?

So, a few thoughts, if you don't want to try again with the teaching, which I don't know if you do or don't, but if not, what else could you do with the bachelor's degree you already have? Could you change majors with the masters program? Have you looked to see if you'd be interested in anything else?

If you want to continue, then maybe you'd do better next time? Not sure, but like someone else said maybe a job doing teaching, one on one (tutoring) or not in person (on-line). You may have to get creative. 

Like I said earlier, I also had to get creative, because I couldn't tolerate floor nursing. I had to almost beg for my first home health agency to hire me, because you usually need to be a nurse a minimum of one year in medical/surgical and I had only 4 months. After my interview, I called every week for 3 weeks, until they said okay.

After about a year in home health I had to start case managing and doing visits and I had a very hard time. I had a nervous breakdown basically and did something really stupid.

I don't want to see you do something stupid, because of a job/career. I know you've put a lot of time into this and have money invested in this specific career, but you may have to find something else. Change gears altogether...

Personally, I wish I would've been an accountant! 

 

[Hardkill]

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

I see, it seems you are trying very hard to compensate as best you can with the issues. 

Do you still need help with the resume? What type of jobs have you been applying for lately? Do you look the interviewer in the eye and shake hands, speak fluently when asked questions? Any problems with that kinda stuff?

So, a few thoughts, if you don't want to try again with the teaching, which I don't know if you do or don't, but if not, what else could you do with the bachelor's degree you already have? Could you change majors with the masters program? Have you looked to see if you'd be interested in anything else?

If you want to continue, then maybe you'd do better next time? Not sure, but like someone else said maybe a job doing teaching, one on one (tutoring) or not in person (on-line). You may have to get creative. 

Like I said earlier, I also had to get creative, because I couldn't tolerate floor nursing. I had to almost beg for my first home health agency to hire me, because you usually need to be a nurse a minimum of one year in medical/surgical and I had only 4 months. After my interview, I called every week for 3 weeks, until they said okay.

After about a year in home health I had to start case managing and doing visits and I had a very hard time. I had a nervous breakdown basically and did something really stupid.

I don't want to see you do something stupid, because of a job/career. I know you've put a lot of time into this and have money invested in this specific career, but you may have to find something else. Change gears altogether...

Personally, I wish I would've been an accountant! 

 

I don't know if I need help with the resume. I do look the interviewer in the eye and shake hands, speak fluently when asked questions. I also come off as comfort yet very courteous during my interviews. I always have good hygiene and an excellent physical appearance (especially since I've always been considered to be a very good looking guy who is into fitness).

I've been applying to all kinds of jobs such as ones at hotels, construction companies, art stores, clothing stores, science laboratory jobs at a university, coffee/tea shops, etc. 

I have a Bachelor's degree in Art (Visual Fine Arts). I can't change majors with my masters program. I always wanted to be a PT or sport rehab medical doctor, but I don't see how that can every be a reality, now that I am 32 years old. I also thought about voice acting given how talented I am at doing various kinds of voices and impressions. Yet, even succeeding in voice acting may seem too much of a fantasy for me. I don't know what are the chance of me ever succeeding in something like that. I am a certified assistant instructor in the martial art Hapkido and have a 3rd degree black belt in the art, but I don't even enough of my own to open up my own, much less maintain a studio of my own. 

Tutoring doesn't sound like a bad idea. I could try looking into that. 

By the way, I've been having some anxiety attacks lately about the future of my career and it really freaks me out when I see online that there have been many people who have mentioned in many different kinds of forums that they applied to hundreds if not thousands of jobs, but couldn't successfully get even one. I am so scared about being homeless.

Edited February 18, 2020 by Hardkill

[Average Investor]

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Yet, even succeeding in voice acting may seem too much of a fantasy for me

Get some stability with your other work, then start working on this if it is what you really find fulfilling. You can also do one on one voice lessons, or teach classes around that too for money as well. I know that people pay a lot of money for a voice instructor. So while you are building up your skills you can teach to make it profitable. I know this is profitable for a fact because I just bought a book on improving my speaking voice.  Lots of options to work off of with voice acting and you can use the skills of it to generate money too. Which thing would you do if you were already rich? 

[Ananta]

59 minutes ago, see_on_see said:

it's gonna produce low value because you're adding low value to the world, and career and money is all about adding the most value to the world. 

Yikes! The guy is trying his hardest and you sorta just kicked him while he's down.?

 

59 minutes ago, see_on_see said:

how about putting that same energy into finding something you're passionate about,

You mean like trying to be a teacher?

Unfortunately, it's just not been working out, no wonder he is depressed. 

 

[Ananta]

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I don't know if I need help with the resume

I'm sure it's fine, but I'd be willing to look it over for you if you want.

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I do look the interviewer in the eye and shake hands, speak fluently when asked questions. I also come off as comfort yet very courteous during my interviews

Well, that's good. ?

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I've been applying to all kinds of jobs such as ones at hotels, construction companies, art stores, clothing stores, science laboratory jobs at a university, coffee/tea shops, etc. 

How many interviews have you had? And how long have you been looking?

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I always wanted to be a PT or sport rehab medical doctor,

Well, PT now requires a doctorate degree and the bachelor's leading up to it has to be in health sciences. 

Have you thought of a PTA program? Home care is good for nurses, PT, OT and their assistants for those that prefer or do best with one on one contact vs too much multi-tasking. However, you still have to get through the schooling.

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I am 32 years old

I was 34 when I started college and 37 when I graduated and got my nursing license. So, I know all about college at an older age. I had been an EMT and a cosmetologist earlier in my life.

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I also thought about voice acting given how talented I am at doing various kinds of voices and impressions

Nice! You don't hear that every day. Maybe make some voice tapes and send them to an talent agent. 

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I am a certified assistant instructor in the martial art Hapkido and have a 3rd degree black belt

See, you have many talents! 

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Tutoring doesn't sound like a bad idea. I could try looking into that

Yes. Also, I think someone mentioned it? But, teaching students with learning disabilities ?

7 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I am so scared about being homeless.

Do you live alone? Do you support yourself with student loans currently?

Hang in there. Sometimes we go through really tough challenges in life, just to come out somewhere in the end that we couldn't have even imagined.

A year ago, I quit my job as a home care coordinator and didn't have a job to replace it and then couldn't find another job doing what I wanted. After 4 months and going through thousands of dollars of my savings I took a home care nursing job where i was back in the field, just so i would have a job. Little did I know at the time that that job would lead me to getting a promotion within 6 months to clinical manager of the home care agency, which is my current job.

❤

[Ananta]

@Hardkill

❤

[Elisabeth]

@Hardkill How are you now, do you see a way forward?

From what I see: The last post I followed, a year ago or more, you were doing absolutely nothing all day - complaining about lack of sleep, porn addiction, and impossibility to get a job. I encouraged you to seek any support available for people with disabilities and protected jobs. Now I learn you're studying to be a teacher, doing your best, and improving a lot between your two placements too. I also learn you can voice-act and have a black belt in martial arts. I understand none of this is enough to ease your fear of not being able to support yourself. However, it's a huge leap from where you were back then. 

[Hardkill]

 

On 2/18/2020 at 3:37 PM, Anna1 said:

I'm sure it's fine, but I'd be willing to look it over for you if you want.

Well, that's good. ?

How many interviews have you had? And how long have you been looking?

Well, PT now requires a doctorate degree and the bachelor's leading up to it has to be in health sciences. 

Have you thought of a PTA program? Home care is good for nurses, PT, OT and their assistants for those that prefer or do best with one on one contact vs too much multi-tasking. However, you still have to get through the schooling.

I was 34 when I started college and 37 when I graduated and got my nursing license. So, I know all about college at an older age. I had been an EMT and a cosmetologist earlier in my life.

Nice! You don't hear that every day. Maybe make some voice tapes and send them to an talent agent. 

See, you have many talents! 

Yes. Also, I think someone mentioned it? But, teaching students with learning disabilities ?

Do you live alone? Do you support yourself with student loans currently?

Hang in there. Sometimes we go through really tough challenges in life, just to come out somewhere in the end that we couldn't have even imagined.

A year ago, I quit my job as a home care coordinator and didn't have a job to replace it and then couldn't find another job doing what I wanted. After 4 months and going through thousands of dollars of my savings I took a home care nursing job where i was back in the field, just so i would have a job. Little did I know at the time that that job would lead me to getting a promotion within 6 months to clinical manager of the home care agency, which is my current job.

❤

Hey, I am back. I fortunately just got a part-time job offer a few days ago Macy's. However, during the interview they did ask if I can come in at 6am during the weekdays, to which I said yes. I realized how stupid that was of me to say that given how unrealistic it will be for me to do that as I am not a morning person at all. Hopefully, I will be able to change that. If not I might have to give it up and hope for another job.

I've applied to about 12 jobs and have been interviewed for 2 of them.

I live with my parents who continue to support financially completely. 

Well that's great that you got a good promotion. You must've gotten lucky. I don't know if I'll ever get that kind of luck myself.

Sure. I would really appreciate it if you looked through my current resume. Thank you. I'll PM you my resume.

 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

On 2/18/2020 at 7:54 PM, Anna1 said:

@Hardkill

❤

I really feel so depressed lately and I am not sure if I can continue enduring this constant unhappiness in my life. I have become very ambivalent about whether or not I should continue living anymore.

[Ananta]

21 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I fortunately just got a part-time job offer a few days ago Macy's. However, during the interview they did ask if I can come in at 6am during the weekdays, to which I said yes. I realized how stupid that was of me to say that given how unrealistic it will be for me to do that as I am not a morning person at all. Hopefully, I will be able to change that. If not I might have to give it up and hope for another job.

I read your post yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't reply. I forgot, to be honest. That's great news that they offered you a job! I understand your not a morning person (me either). You'll have to decide if you want to try or not.

21 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I've applied to about 12 jobs and have been interviewed for 2 of them.

I guess it depends how scarce jobs are were you live. I mean, if others are having a hard time too, because of supply and demand. I remember when my son was applying for his first job when he was 16. I kept saying what is the problem? Why is no one calling you? He finally yelled at me and said,  "I've been telling you...there's too many ppl looking for a job and I have no experience!!!!". Anyways, we finally helped him get a job at a car dealer as a porter, because we knew the manager, so he gave him a shot.

21 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Well that's great that you got a good promotion. You must've gotten lucky.

Yes and no, I had worked there twice before years ago, so they knew I did good work and my documentation skills are darn good. So, it was right time, right place, really. But, yes, they still offered it to me, without me asking, which was still surprising. 

21 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Sure. I would really appreciate it if you looked through my current resume. Thank you. I'll PM you my resume.

I didn't get a PM from you. Are you having trouble sending it? I will have more time to review it on thursday night, if you can get it to me by then?

21 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I live with my parents who continue to support financially completely. 

I know you'd rather be independent, but at least you have them to lean on for now. They won't let you be homeless at least, which was one of your worries.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I really feel so depressed lately and I am not sure if I can continue enduring this constant unhappiness in my life. I have become very ambivalent about whether or not I should continue living anymore.

It's not worth it. I'm a suicide survivor and I'm telling you that thought can cause loads of suffering, but you aren't your thoughts. You need to learn to create a gap between you and thought. Have you ever done neti-neti meditation/inquiry. If done right, you see you can't be what you perceive and you can have a break through.

It seems your depression is situational, not because you have a mental illness, right? Maybe you could benefit from a bit of counseling ?

❤

[Vercingetorix]

@Hardkill in my country you can get an allowance for certain disabilities, did you check for this?

I have a friend who suffers mostly from depression and some other mental stuff and his request for an allowance was recently approved, it helped him calm his mind and be able to focus on how to to do the best he can in his situation.

[Hardkill]

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

I read your post yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't reply. I forgot, to be honest. That's great news that they offered you a job! I understand your not a morning person (me either). You'll have to decide if you want to try or not.

That's okay. I appreciate all responses you have given me.

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

I guess it depends how scarce jobs are were you live. I mean, if others are having a hard time too, because of supply and demand. I remember when my son was applying for his first job when he was 16. I kept saying what is the problem? Why is no one calling you? He finally yelled at me and said,  "I've been telling you...there's too many ppl looking for a job and I have no experience!!!!". Anyways, we finally helped him get a job at a car dealer as a porter, because we knew the manager, so he gave him a shot.

Well then he got lucky. I mean if you didn't know someone like that manager, then what would you have done to ensure that your son would be able to secure some kind of job?

 

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

Yes and no, I had worked there twice before years ago, so they knew I did good work and my documentation skills are darn good. So, it was right time, right place, really. But, yes, they still offered it to me, without me asking, which was still surprising. 

What if I never get into the right place and right time?

 

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

I didn't get a PM from you. Are you having trouble sending it? I will have more time to review it on thursday night, if you can get it to me by then?

I actually didn't PM you anything yet. I will sent it today. I just got so pre-occupied with other things going on in my life. 

 

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

I know you'd rather be independent, but at least you have them to lean on for now. They won't let you be homeless at least, which was one of your worries.

That's for the time being, but my parents are both already over the age of 70 and I don't know how much longer they are going to live, let alone be able to continue to support me. I also feel so guilty for continuing to be such a burden to them while they don't get to enjoy the end of their lives being happily retired.

 

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

It's not worth it. I'm a suicide survivor and I'm telling you that thought can cause loads of suffering, but you aren't your thoughts. You need to learn to create a gap between you and thought. Have you ever done neti-neti meditation/inquiry. If done right, you see you can't be what you perceive and you can have a break through.

It seems your depression is situational, not because you have a mental illness, right? Maybe you could benefit from a bit of counseling ?

❤

I don't know what neti-neti meditation/inquiry is. Though I have been meditating frequently, if not almost everyday since the beginning of last September of 2019. 

My depression is a combination of both situational and a chemical imbalance.

 

[Ananta]

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

That's okay. I appreciate all responses you have given me.

?

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

Well then he got lucky. I mean if you didn't know someone like that manager, then what would you have done to ensure that your son would be able to secure some kind of job?

He was having a tough go at it, this is true, but I also think it was fate that he was meant for that job. He started dating that managers daughter who he dated for 5 years and now I have a grandson, because of it. He would've found something. It just would've taken more time.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

What if I never get into the right place and right time?

We have to get you thinking positive, despite the negativity happening. Remember, I quit a job and went through thousands of my savings....before getting another.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I will sent it today.

Got it! I'll help you with it!

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

That's for the time being, but my parents are both already over the age of 70 and I don't know how much longer they are going to live, let alone be able to continue to support me. I also feel so guilty for continuing to be such a burden to them while they don't get to enjoy the end of their lives being happily retired.

 

Well, for now, it is what it is, try not to feel badly , it's just going to make things worse right now. I would do anything for my son and I'm sure your parents feel the same for you.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

don't know what neti-neti meditation/inquiry is.

There are many, many neti-neti vids, but figured since we are on Actualized.org I'd post Leo's.

2 hours ago, Hardkill said:

My depression is a combination of both situational and a chemical imbalance.

Gotcha, well then, the situational aspect can make the chemical imbalance worse. Be conscious of that. In that sense, counseling can help counteract it. If you have health insurance for it? Otherwise, positive thinking can do the same. 

I've had many ups and downs in this career of mine for the past 13 years. I've regretted my career many times, but I'm just too damn old to start over and to damn stubborn to make less $$ then I am now. So, I keep plugging away. Some days are better then others and today was a bad day.