My loop

[traveler]

I wake up feeling like shit. My nose is deviated and breathing is a daily struggle. 

Got into non-duality 3-4 years ago, since then many many things have fallen away, including the many ideas I had about non-duality. 

I live with my parents. I'm 21 years old. I haven't had a job for 6 months. I have lost a lot of motivation since my breakthroughs. There's a loss of meaning, but there's not enough personal pull to feel depressed about it. Flatlining. My mom is tired of me not getting things done. Truth is my comfort zone has become very small, and I'm not comfortable out in the world. To much pressure. 

There are waves of self consciousness still. Patterns from my earlier days still going strong. The pull away from my debilitating self esteem that non-duality caused, did help me to an extent, but it is still strong in places like the gym. 

There's an ongoing feeling of unsatisfactoriness, a feeling like something is wrong. Non-dual teachings does nothing for me anymore, I watch them daily on youtube, but they give me nothing, it's like being addicted to something that literally only disorients you and nothing more. I've turned away from the "conventional" nondual teachers I guess you can call them (Rupert Spira, Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti etc.), and have been dipping my toes in the "neo advaita" scene, (Jim newman, Tony Parsons etc.) No teaching does anything for me anymore. Just words. Annoying words. Just fucking noise. That's my main state, noise. Much of that noise is projected onto others, as if they are the reason for it, but I catch those projection often and observe them instead of believing them. 

I have no idea what to do, thoughts about how I'm wasting my youth often comes up, but the obvious meaninglessness of all things often throws those thoughts right out of the window. I'm so done. I'm done and I utter those words daily, but it keeps going. I don't want anything, I don't live for anything, I'm just here constantly wondering why I'm not there, whatever there is. How dumb is that. 

There is no purpose for this Journal at all. I think I'll be updating this daily if I remember to. I can use it to see things more clearly and I'll probably try to describe my daily insights, to no purpose at all. I imagine this must sound very depressing to read, but I'm not really depressed, I'm just in a state of -no fucking idea of wtf is going on- most of the time, ungroundedness. Hopefully it won't be this depressing every time I write something. 

[Raptorsin7]

@traveler The purpose of practices is to eventually not do practices. The purpose of non-dual teachings is to eventually not need teachings.

Have you done Leo's life purpose course? I recommend you find a purpose. I found one and it's made the path much easier.

The teachings are only pointers so you can realize your own inherent greatness. You are your own highest authority. I think a change in the relationship with "teachers" is needed here. You are the highest authority. Everything else is in service of your authority, that includes all the teachers you listed. If they are not resonating with you then find a different teacher.

[zeroISinfinity]

@traveler Drop teachings. Just do pure practises. You know meditation and such. 

You are filling your head even more. 

It's all about your ❤️ man.