My Path, Goodbye To Forum, Inspiration, and Thank You

[kieranperez]

All, I've decided that this forum has served it's purpose and utility for me. However, given the fact that I enjoy being able to provide something genuine, authentic, direct, honest, and hopefully something of value to those that may be touched by what I have to say in some way, I would like to share my path thus far and where things are taking course. Though this forum has, as it must be, plenty of users that will likely project stuff about me in the comments, I would like to suggest or invite you to consider that nothing that I share as far as the words that you read here and how you interpret it in your mind means you know about me. I use what I have to say to share a perspective that hopefully becomes one in which that may (or may not) provide either inspiration or value in some way. You are responsible with how you interpret what is written and interpretations are never the truth. With that said, here goes  

Life Prior to Actualized.org:

Prior to finding actualized.org I had been suicidal, hospitalized, dealing with ADHD and a diagnosis of Type 2 bipolar and on 6 different medications, including ADHD medication since I was in 1st grade. Life was never exactly easy for me. I always struggled academically, socially, emotionally, mentally, etc. I almost committed suicide in both high school and my short time in college. I was incredibly depressed to the point where I was sometimes bed ridden. At the same time though, I knew that, to put it blunt, everybody was fucking crazy. Nothing really ever made much sense to me. I never understood why I could, as if, "sense" such deep inauthenticity and deep suffering in those that looked the part of having everything together. That there was something deeply fake about not only myself but also the act I saw but no one admitted. I never understood why school systems were the way they were (and how dyfunctional the way they are). I never understood religion, what the world was (even though I still had my belief systems about it - *recovering* Evangelical Atheist  ), why people lived and settled for a life that was of mediocrity and joked away their clear dissatisfaction for their life, etc. The point is, despite my suffering, I knew as a result of my own ignorance, that there was something I knew that nobody around me knew... which is that we didn't know a fucking damn thing and no one admitted it. Or, put another way, I was suffering... but I wasn't stupid. 

By the time I was 21, I had dropped of college 3 times, had a collapsed family ridden with deep emotional issues that nobody took responsibility for that was and still is filled with deep trauma, almost committed suicide multiple times given how much I experienced such deep hate for myself, failed in pretty much everything I ever set out to do and wanted for myself, dealing with psychosomatic trauma that was through the roof, had no career, no real friends that actually cared, working part-time jobs that I resented myself for doing. I knew that, in the end, despite the mess that had been laid down upon me that was out of my control, I was (and am) the one whose responsible for it and I that I was choosing to still be where I was at and every second I didn't do something about it (over the course of months and years) I grew more mad with myself because I was betraying my heart... and that no matter what anyone said about how much of a luxury or even narcissistic it is to want that... something about not having that fundamental integrity with my heart, some "thing" that almost had nothing to do with the meat puppet that was suffering (and also everything to do with it), felt deeply wrong... and I could never let that go. And lastly... by the time I was 21 I had gotten out of a hospitalization program at UCSF, discovered motivational videos on YouTube, Tony Robbins, and then Leo. 

Actualized.org - Exactly What I Had Been Looking For My Entire Life: 

After dabbling with listening to hours of motivational videos, buying my first self-help book (Awaken The Giant Within), exploring Tony Robbins, I eventually found Leo's channel despite months of avoiding the video thumbnails of a guy who just made weird faces with what I thought were gimmicky titles. Boy, was that I projection I'm glad I went beyond. When I found Actualized.org I felt like, for the first time, I found exactly the thing, person, talk, topics, etc. that I had always been looking for. A guy who was very cheeky, honest (brutally so - which I loved), and had the fucking balls to say what he was saying. Though I initially avoided the spiritual videos, after a certain point of playing with meditation and not being able to explain why, after all my (now what I see as surface level nonsense forms of) therapy how sitting down and being aware created such a profound difference, I realized it was worth listening to what this bald dude had to see and maybe stomach the spirtual jargon.

Turns out he explained perfectly well, in the way I needed to hear it, what I was coming across in my own sits of guided meditation/mindfulness/self-inquiry. Turns out he was not only right, but as if, metaphorically speaking, held a lens to a bigger picture outlook on what was and is really so about this thing called existence and how it ties with my own philosophical yearnings since I was a kid and my own suffering... and also how I was wrong about fucking everything I ever believed... and I wanted more. 

More than anything though, Actualized.org helped me reconcile with myself that that yearning I always had in my heart was not only worth following, it was the only thing to do. From one perspective, the way I saw the trajectory of my life completely changed in terms of what my more gross surface and even subtle aspirations, goals, and ideals, and values were. From a more fundamental self perspective, nothing changed. It was just more pure. I reconciled within myself that having a big, grand, noble vision for myself and what I wanted to impact this world with is something to never ever give up on. It was reenforcement for what I was knew deep down inside. I also got the education I always needed and wanted. I now had a vision for myself that exceeded even my own perfectionist ideals. Not only that, but that I myself could do it if I committed enough to it. 

I eventually went out to take the Life Purpose Course that I shed some hours of tears of frustration, confusion, and being downright lost digging through my mind and heart trying to find what I really wanted and what was most true to me. I spent years on that course. I exhausted that course. I listened to every video, exhausted every exercise, did all the extra reading and video material, listened to every single one of Leo's other videos, listened, watched, and studied those that served as say "archetypes" that represented that which I am most inspired by. Then my purpose became clear... and that was to know what everything is. Not just enlightenment but to understand, to make that understanding experiential. I looked at the sages and mystics of history and present today. I found Peter Ralston, Sadhguru, Ken Wilber, Leonardo da Vinci, Gautam Buddha, Christ, Pyrrho, etc. and it became clear that that was it and that that was the only thing for me. Not fit into their category and become a copy of them but as Zen Maser Matsuo Basho said best... 

Quote

Seek not to follow the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.

Walking My Path:

By January 2018 I got off all 6 of my psych medications. I had been on medication at that point from the age of 6 years of old till, at that point, just under 23 years old. A month after that I met my now homie through the forum @Sahil Pandit. By March of last year I finally had my first psychedelic experience and for the first time of my life, I actually loved my self and my heart blew open. By May of last year I got in contact with @Robby who is now a person I can say is a true definition of a real friend. One of those friends that comes in and changes your life. I got a chance at a job where I tested myself to truly live on my own and earn enough money working 70+ hours a week and start taking grounded ownership of my life. I then met someone who I am proud to call both a great enlightened teacher and dear, dear friend @winterknight in NYC and have stayed in touch since and is someone I can't express enough gratitude towards. I set my intent to move to Boulder, Colorado to study under a teacher Ken Wilber has openly called "one of the most accomplished spiritual teachers on the planet", Zen Master Doshin Roshi of Integral Zen and Ken Wilber himself. I succeeded and found a teacher who I resonated with probably more than with any other human. I found not only a truly deeply enlightened Zen Master but someone who was radically fucking real that had balls. I found a teacher who knew exactly my suffering because he lived it and then some. A teacher who also had ADHD, OCD, etc. and was a fucking real Zen Master. If he could do it, I can fucking do it. I got in touch with the Cheng Hsin community and stayed in contact with both Brendan Lea and of course Peter Ralston. I got the chance to talk to Martin Ball. I can now say I have more than my fair share of not only enlightened friends but more importantly, real genuine friends and mentors who are actually going to tell me the fucking truth and really care. 

Though my stint in Colorado didn't go exactly to plan, nothing ever does. So I am now currently back in San Francisco working a job to save money. I am moving to India in a matter of time that isn't clear yet to find a teacher and go pursue this path until there is no more pursuit. In the mean time I am now about to go to my first enlightenment intensive which be a 3-day retreat held by Joseph Rubano in SoCal in April, an Isha Hatha Yogasanas Program in March, in search for a therapist, and also plan doing some more tripping in the mean time. Though money is not exactly ideal to say the least right now and I am not progressing at the rate I want to be progressing at all, if I am honest with myself and with those of you whom read this, things in a weird way are unfolding. On the surface it isn't that tangible so much but deep down I trust I know where I am going, even though I know I can easily go or fall down a direction I don't want to go. In the end, I know what I want, I know the path, I have exhausted more conceptual study more than I think most honest people would honestly say they've ever done, and I can feel what my heart wants deep down and I'm willing to die for that. 

Conclusion:

I would like to leave in 2 parts...

First, thank you @Leo Gura. Though I've shared with you this before, whether or not you remember at all, I would've been hanging on a noose long ago if I hadn't have found your stuff. You not only changed but saved my life. Though I don't really know you I hope one day I can at least have the chance to say to your face thank you for everything and that I wish you, your channel, your work, your path, your life purpose the absolute best. I will still drop in for videos every now and then, stay a patron, and stay tuned for more so long as I am still around and need guidance from outside. Your videos ignited a fire in me when mine was almost out. Your videos never had to be as long, deep, authentic, full of heart, and honesty as they have been in order to have your success on YouTube. But they did. And even if I did have thousands or millions of dollars to pay you, I don't think that would do justice to how you've at least helped me. However indirect that help is. My heart goes out to you. Never sell out because what you've given thus far has been utterly priceless. 

Second, to those of you whom aren't Leo... follow your path. If we are actually serious about this path, fundamentally the only thing standing in the way is not ADHD, depression, OCD, learning disabilities, etc. it's us. There are people out there whom want to help and often takes nothing but a simple act of reaching out and asking. Our commitment to a stubborn intent that is grounded in the heart is the thing we need to listen to most. As much as that doesn't answer, it also answers everything as far as what, how, and whom we seek. Our path is ours to follow and ours alone and it is up to each one of us to take responsibility for that truth. It is up to you and I to be honest with ourselves and others. It is you and I that must become conscious and stop asking for everybody on here to give you answers. It is on you and I to seek out the therapists, resources, guidance, teachers, workshops, etc. Take nothing on faith including the words you hear from teachers that speak from a paradigm that you resonate with. Believe nothing. Question everything. Tell the truth. If you don't know what's true, that's what true. Be honest about that you don't know. Be honest about what seems to be most true for you right now in your experience and then question it. Most importantly... follow and listen to your heart. It's always known. And remember... the only reason suffering hurts is because of how much you love. 

Quote

The village has disappeared in the evening mist

And the path is hard to follow.

Walking through the pines,

I return to my lonely hut. 

- Zen Master & Poet, Taigu Ryōkan

 

[Mada_]

Thankyou for this. What you have said has truly resonated with me, and I am inspired to continue on my own path.

[Esoteric]

Good luck on your path

[Nahm]

Godspeed my friend! All the best ♥️ 

[mandyjw]

6 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Most importantly... follow and listen to your heart. It's always known. And remember... the only reason suffering hurts is because of how much you love. 

Good luck! 

[moon777light]

Goodluck Kieran!! your posts always inspired me so much

[Amandine]

Thank you @kieranperez amazing journey, inspiring story, beautifully written, I wish you well, may you always listen to your heart. ?

Goodbye my friend ?

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Amandine

[Ananta]

Nameste?

 

[Consilience]

Thank you for this post... farewell and good luck ❤️

[Forestluv]

Thanks for your contributions to the forum. Best wishes, young sage. 

[EddieEddie1995]

Keep it up! <3 I can't imagine what you had to go through... But here you are, shining ! <3 

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

Hope you continue to grow and have an amazing life journey, much love

[Aaron p]

Bruh, why leave. Is this not the most powerful amalgimation of all teachings and techniques. This place is the equivalent of if Hitler, Churchill, Trump, Kim, Stalin and the Queen all joined forces and took 40mg of 5meo every other week together to form one massive super-continent-earth-kingdom. You underestimate this place. 

This shit is DENSE 

Edited February 17, 2020 by Aaron p

[Gnosis]

[tsuki]

Thank you for sharing this. Your sincerity is sensational!
Thank you for sticking with us and have a fruitful journey.

Godspeed and bless you!

[jimwell]

@kieranperez

You posted a very long story without telling the reasons why you are leaving the forum. Isn't telling the reasons for leaving the point of posting? Moving to India as the reason sounds senseless.

[Vicus]

Congrats for your work, very inspiring! Best wishes to you

[electroBeam]

You're not going anywhere, you'll be in the present moment forever hahahahahhahaha