Reconcile

[Ajax]

I normally am able to figure out my own problems, but a host of family and personal tragedies has hit me at once.. so my sense of clarity is not what it once was.

Ok, so about in Nov of '15 my wife start talking on the phone with a man she met at the gym. She would get up from our bed and talk to him for about 3-4 hours every night. This got on my nerves and I complained about it but it still continued on. Then, on Dec of that year, she started hanging out with him usually into 2-3 in the morning.  Finally she told me that she went to far but they were just friends. Well, that started to grind on me too much so I left the week of X-mas. She continued to talk to me on the phone nearly daily and so we discussed me coming back which I did in early January. So then everything was fine until around Easter of this year and she starting the same pattern of talking to the same man all night and seeing him into 3 am. I decided I had enough as I had work and a child that was picking up on my anxiousness and becoming increasingly anxious and unhappy herself. So when she admitted cheating, I gently kissed her on the cheek and told her is was over and left back to my hometown in Texas.

Since I make decent  passive income and I own a small home here in Tx, I don't really have to worry about working. So everything was great despite the circumstances. I could keep busy doing actualization work, teaching martial arts and cooking. I even found a lady companion I could enjoy spending time with.  Then about a couple of weeks ago she starting calling more frequently  complaining that I haven't called and thought I didn't want to talk to her. So I started doing so, however this started to make me a little unhappy because she was not as responsive as I would like. Nevertheless, I continued on...

She started telling me things  like she doesn't want me to that of her as a person who does things like that anymore.  She also says that she only wants to devote herself to one person. She also wants friends but can only make male friends...  She says that I don't comfort her enough, I am pretty open minded and so I ask her for details and she says that the fact that someone online knows what she means and that "Tim(her paramour)" knows what that means, that I must not care about her because I don't get it. I tell her that I try to be attentive as possible, cook for her, hold her and watch movies with her and try to talk with her... she says that I don't get what I am saying... and I ask for details and she hasn't explained so far. She says that she thinks that I don't care about her. She says if I am unsure about something it makes her unsure about something and she doesn't forgive or forget at it escalates...

 

Anyway, every thing seemed fine until a couple of days ago, when she said she wanted to come down here to see me and to attend my father's funeral. Then she didn't respond to any on my texts or phone calls. And she tells me this morning  while trying to books tickets that Tim keeps texting and that she wants to go to lunch with him. I said you should do as you like, but I don't like it. She blows up on me and says that is why she never tells me anything because I am going to say no.  I just said, you asked my opinion and I told you want I thought and so she got upset with me.

 

Anyway, this whole situation has gotten me quite miserable. I am normally a very happy and positive person.  I wouldn't even bothering trying to reconcile if there wasn't a child involved but I am getting quite tired of the old push-pull... I know she is going to keep asking about those tickets... should I rescind my offer? Or is there something going on here that I am not aware about? What should I do?...

 

Edited June 18, 2016 by Ajax

[reez]

@Ajax

Hey Ajax! Sorry to hear all of this, but I'll do my best to help you

I'll post something of a book (Tao of Badass bonus) which might help you

"Cheating only happens when someone feels that their partner in a relationship isn’t supplying something they need. The problem is that instead of simply asking for it, they seek it out in someone else because they are afraid to bring it up with their partner. A woman cheats because she’s not getting something from you that she needs, and you lack the awareness to figure out what it is. You are the man and responsible for the direction in the relationship. Don’t be a pushover and forgive her unless major changes are made to the relationship. You can’t say ""It’s ok, let’s just start over and try this again."" Cheating is not an issue that is easily fixed. You both have to be willing to put in the effort to completely overhaul the relationship, and you both have to be interested in learning how to improve yourselves."" These are some snippets from the book.

First of all, go get some good sleep before you take any decisions. Second you have to decide whether or not you wanna work thing out with your wife, and why. If you only wanna do it because of your kid and "nothing more". You'll both end up miserable in this relationship and your kid will be affected negatively by this. I would then recommend a divorce as your kid might be happier if she sees both her parents are happy, even if they don't live together. If you love your wife, and can accept that she did cheat on you, but still want to work this out (and she feels the same way) I would say you can work out this out. When you know what you wanna do in this relationship, I believe the answer on inviting her to the funeral for you becomes clearer for yourself, and you'll know what to do.

I would tell you to read "The Way of The Superior Man" - David Deida and "The 3% Man" - Corey Wayne, both these books contain Multiple good explanations of the man's role in the relationship. Another book that I think both of you should read if you decide to wanna work out this relationship is "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" - John Gray

I wish you all luck man!

Edited June 18, 2016 by reez

[Ajax]

@reez  Thank you so very much for your imput I really need that right now. Yes, I especially like  how you wrote that I shouldn't be so easily to forgive and start over like nothing happened... I do have an issue with that, I am a very forgiving person, much too forgiving it would seem. I can't tell you how much your advice means to me. I thank you 1000 times, sir.

[Nathalie]

@Ajax Hi Ajax, sorry to read this..

and difficult to give a useful statement, but if I understand it rightly, the same story seems to happen over and over again, she doesn't really know what she wants and affirms you're the responsible (!!) and you forgive and hope everything will be ok if you only be more attentive (??)

In my opinion she should assume her part of responsability, define what she's going to do and become an adult one can trust. If this happens I'm sure you will feel the authenticity of her saying.. For the moment (considering what you've written) she sounds like an dependent who promises what ever you want to hear just in order to get what she wants..

I also think that the reason your daughter needs her parents isn't enough to stay with her:

A child needs to be loved and to feel secure and she surely notice stressful situations even if you try to hide it (I had always wished my parents would have divorced..)

But what about your own needs? You said you did well before she called you again.. Do you again want to go the same way? Did something change (from her side) since the last time you tried it? Can you learn something from this situation that makes you personally grow?

In case she didn't personally evolve since the last time, I would considere a life without her, except in matters about your daughter..

Wish you the best,

Martine

 

 

[Ajax]

 Thank you, so much@MartineF you are so right, I was thinking along the same lines and I agree completely with what you were saying. She doesn't provide me with practically any needs... and I do feel better when I am alone and not hoping for a change to come. I am so grateful for your response. It is wonderful to have feedback from this community when one needs it 

[Nathalie]

you're very welcome and I hope you find a good way