I´m a Devil. Seriously I am. This is not normal, isn´t it?

[Javfly33]

Recently I´ve been obssesed about accepting myself + being authentic to actually feel powerful and withouth anxiety in any conversation. What I observed today about myself was scary.

I went out shopping groceries on fridays night to the mall and i saw this friend that was just coming from there and he was going home and we talk a bit. Anyway, at one point in the conversation, we said ask ourselves something as "how it is going?" and I had this autentic thought that wanted to say :

"Well, I just started going to therapy"

But, no. Of course not I didn´t say it. I´m such a fucking devil lmao. Because again I was protecting my identity of being "cool" and scared of my own judgement about myself! (because really, nobody can actually judge you, only you can, you just project your own judgements onto other people).

At the end of the conversation I even lied some more and I said "well, i gotta go, i have to meet somebody". 

Fuck´s sake´s i swear sometimes I don´t know what to do with my own bullshit. 

How to get out of this? This devilry? This neurotic ego-centric identity that just won´t fucking go away? I just started meditating again, doing 2 hours. Going to add Yoga too, just going to try to surrender all of my neuroticism and fears to see If the ego just surrender for one time and for all.  Psychedelics used to go very very well for annihilating my own bullshit/egocentric neuroticism (in fact i got out of a big big obsessive behaviour some years ago thanks to them) but I am not able right now to do them properly. (I share flat + lack of money to do a retreat)

 I don´t know, I just see my only problem is myself and my self-centerness , but I can´t seem to get out of this "position". It feels like if i do I will "lose" myself. It feels that no matter what I do since I´m always such egocentric I never will surrender my bullshit. Except for practices that erase my ego, of course. But tradicional practices (meditation, etc) seems still not potent enough for my devilry. It only starts getting better when it passes a long time and lots of suffering after then the ego doesn´t have "Other choice" but slowly change/let go, but I would like to solve my bullshit before I am 80 years old, to be honest.

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

I went out shopping groceries on fridays night to the mall and i saw this friend that was just coming from there and he was going home and we talk a bit. Anyway, at one point in the conversation, we said ask ourselves something as "how it is going?" and I had this autentic thought that wanted to say :

"Well, I just started going to therapy"

But, no. Of course not I didn´t say it. I´m such a fucking devil lmao. Because again I was protecting my identity of being "cool" and scared of my own judgement about myself! (because really, nobody can actually judge you, only you can, you just project your own judgements onto other people).

There are a lot of behaviors to protect a particular identity. Yet I would also be careful of over-sharing. It's context dependent. When I was in therapy, I didn't go around telling everyone. That would have been inappropriate in some contexts. 

Could it be that you have a desire to share deeper parts of yourself with others? If so, it might help to develop close friendships in which the two of you develop mutual trust and share personal information with each other. 

[Nahm]

These stand out to me as self referential thinking / judgements...but I believe they are not standing out as such to you because of the misunderstanding in relation with feeling which is being labeled instead of listened to. These thoughts don’t feel good to you because they’re about a second self, not you, and are not true. I’m pointing them out because it seems like you’re really hurting and missing that you are living the story that you are telling about yourself. The “separate self” is sustained by believing and continuing to tell the self referential story about who you are. It feels terrible because none of it is true about you....

”I’ve been obsessed”, “accepting myself”, ”being authentic”, “feel powerful”, “without anxiety”, “What I observed about myself is scary”, “I’m such a fucking devil”, “I was protecting my identity”, “scared of my own judgement about myself”, “you just project your own judgements”, “I don’t know what to do with my own bullshit”, “how to get out of this”, “this neurotic ego centric identity”, “won’t fucking go away”, “my neuroticism and fears”, “the ego”, “my own bullshit / egocentric neuroticism”, “I got out of a big big obsessive behavior”, “I am not able”, “I share flat + lack of money”, “my problem is myself and my self centered ness”, “I can’t seem to”, “I will lose myself”, “no matter what I do”, “I’m always egocentric”, “I never will surrender my bullshit”, “practices that erase my ego”, “my devilry”, “the ego”, “I would like to solve my bullshit”.

It is a story about a you, about who you are. Feels bad cause it’s not true. These thought cycles stop when you recognize the feeling is telling you they are not true. This is next to impossible when you believe you have anxiety etc. That is often used as a write off, a way to not realize the suffering is from not listening to your feeling. 

This very moment right now is a clean slate. Be very aware of the next thing you say about yourself. Just be aware of how it feels. Then pick a better feeling thought, aware of how it feels. 

When a thought comes up about how because of this past (story) you have to resolve it, just feel how the thought feels right now, in this moment where you actually are, and are fine. 

[Hermaeus Mora]

each behavior should have a certain purpose.

Just blindly following a dogmatic 'action-plan' will not help you.

Try not to naively expose all of your identity to others. Honestly, I cannot find any critical issues in your story. 

-

But let me be arrogant at this point, you should annihilate your ego-centric mindset from a different perspective.

Other people are "complexity"s as much as you are a "complexity".

Just brutely speaking out that you are going to therapy might trigger other's devilry.

 

To be honest, if a random person comes out and tells me that he/she is going to therapy, without any single context?, then it will trigger my devilry with super prejudice.

 

 

Edited February 15, 2020 by Hermaeus Mora

[remember]

8 hours ago, Hermaeus Mora said:

To be honest, if a random person comes out and tells me that he/she is going to therapy, without any single context?, then it will trigger my devilry with super prejudice.

 

 

well but that’s your problem...

@Javfly33 i think actually the awareness of what you mentioned already pretty cool. i sometimes feel like all this superficial talks and contact is somehow so empty and builds barriers between people. it’s like people create these buffer zones around themselves with an outside material like teflon, you can fry an egg on that but let’s guess if it is really the healthy way, there is no real interaction, but if something comes off it’s getting toxic. what is this „how your doin“ „how is it going“ for if it’s not to talk about what’s really going on? in general, i realized it’s more a proposal to share or not share what you want to with the other person - with some people i think:  „hah, you would want to know that heh - but, ? not telling“ and sometimes with some people i just then not am telling everything, but at least i then say „lately it’s like this or like that“ or „i say so lala“ and so on - there are so many different ways on how to respond to someone if they ask you this rather serious question about your mind/soul/bodily condition - it’s not in general lying if you don’t tell what exactly is going on. but you could point towards a direction. i also think it’s weird if people ask this question and not really expect someone to answer with a „not that good during the last weeks“. especially with friends, telling „well, had some rough time lately, but it’s slowly getting better“ is something that should work.

it‘s interesting because the lines of explicit and implicit really get blurred with this phrase: „how is it going?“ there are so many implicit layers but reacting explicitly to the question seems to be a no go on a rainy day.

 

but hey, happy for you that you started to go to therapy! it means it probably is slowly getting better, isn’t it?

Edited February 15, 2020 by remember

[Nahm]

There’s really only One who realizes one is the devil. 

[Jonac]

@Javfly33 do you even wonder if you friend had also some internal bullshit going on? 

Right now you just wrote a 200 words story about your personal experience with a friend in a mall. The practice you mention, like meditation, yoga, etc, will help you to decrease that number, let say in the first year by 20%, then gradually after 3 yrs to 70%.

You then are left with just experience, and that internal dialogue of yours will by tiny, to tiny to even bother you. The resistence will be minor and wont affect your body reaction anymore. 

My advice is to keep practice, keep being aware of your toughts, specially in situations that you mention, wrote your thoughts and be conscious of them. Read them and say "my god, I have so much story going on, so much bs inside my head, its ridiculous. This has to stop". That's the beginning of change. 

[StarStruck]

Devil doesn’t exist. 

[Javfly33]

22 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

There are a lot of behaviors to protect a particular identity. Yet I would also be careful of over-sharing. It's context dependent. When I was in therapy, I didn't go around telling everyone. That would have been inappropriate in some contexts. 

Could it be that you have a desire to share deeper parts of yourself with others? If so, it might help to develop close friendships in which the two of you develop mutual trust and share personal information with each other. 

@Serotoninluv Yes. I feel now I'm going the "opposite extreme" and actually feeling like I have to share everything (coming from not sharing almost anything).

However, I'd swear that, apart from what you said that I think you are very right, I basically not comfortable really with other people because I feel I need to "hide" something. 

@Nahm Thanks friend. Yes I'm confused. I know I am not all of this thoughts but somehow I feel the second-self has to go through healing. It just feels right, idk. 

For example today I got feelings of intense despair and the thoughts wouldn't stop, I wanted to "fix myself" however at the same time " I couldn't sort it out how" therefore I started just letting go of those thoughts which obviously felt terrible as you said and un-useful and I focused in the breathing for a long time. This is the way right?

I think what I'm having a difficult time (but obviously they are great news, it's just shocking at first) is actually accepting that all of this is going to resolve without "effort" in a way. 

@remember I hope I'm scared of changes but anyway, the one who is scared is always the same. That which maintains and identity for then be revealed as non-existent. 

[remember]

25 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I hope to @remember 

I'm scared of changes but anyway, the one who is scared is always the same. That which maintains and identity for then be revealed as non-existent. 

it’s really poetical 

we only try to maintain it because if we wouldn’t we are scared to fall apart - because change already happens if we try to maintain or not. so even if you hold on it will not stay the same it’s just the illusion of the same because the moment remains but the world moves on.

[Nahm]

@Javfly33 ???

Yes. Not an effort thing, a relaxing and having a look at what’s going on thing. 
 

The overall point is not to think more, or to figure anything out at all, but to simply bring understanding to the relationship between thought and feeling...

 

You can write the thoughts down. Getting it out of your head and in front of you is most helpful in terms of inspecting / seeing what’s going on / emotional understanding, and relief / feeling better. 
 

When you write a not good feeling thought down, write the opposite thought, the good feeling one, next to it. It’s as simple as it sounds yet highly effective. Say to yourself how each thought feels. Have the emotional scale at hand. Name the feeling of the first by using the scale, and the second, or opposite thought, by using the scale. You’ll come away with more understanding of thought and feeling.

 

You can also...

make two columns... feels good, and, doesn’t feel good. After putting the thoughts into the two columns, a great thing will be revealed / felt. You will see the thoughts which don’t feel good all share in common that they are judgmental. Judgmental of you, someone else, or the world. The outcome will be a newly felt relationship with feeling and thoughts, a new understanding which feels more whole. 

As a visual exercise...

Extend your arm fully in front of you and make a fist. That fist represents a thought. Simply notice, no matter what you hold in that fist, you can not be that. Why? Because you are aware of that fist.