My Enlightenment Self-deception

[legendary]

I'm going to be really honest. A few nights ago I was exposed as the fraudster that I am

I have been (semi) actively doing spiritual practices on a fairly regular basis for a few years now.

And although I have had some amazing mystical experiences on psychedelics, l have not been able to experience it through any other practice, and until now, I've been blaming it on a host of different things (my shadow, monkey mind, etc). 

However, since the last few weeks, I have been doing Yoga/meditation right before I sleep and things have been getting interesting. I have had numerous experiences like being out of my body and flying, semi-lucidity and expansion of my awareness during my sleep.

A few nights ago, I experienced an expansion of my consciousness and I saw the words "Do you want to experience Infinite Consciousness?" appear before me. I intuitively felt like all I had to do was have some faith and say yes. But I ended up saying, "Not completely. I still want to maintain my separate self". I know now that I have nothing to blame but my intentions.

On one side, I do all these practices and on the other side, I do my best to resist awakening. And it is deeply agonizing to have this realization.

----

This brings me to another experience I had a year ago when getting Shaktipat from a lady who also happened to be psychic. She told me that when giving me Shaktipat, she got this message/download, that I need to pay attention to Lakshmi (wealth/prosperity/accomplishments, etc.) in my life, That would be the ideal way for me to progress on my spiritual path rather than shooting straight to Enlightenment.

I'd be grateful if anyone has any recommendations/suggestions or alternative interpretations.

Thanks!

[VeganAwake]

The separate self is an illusion anyways so nothing really needs to happen. But If seeking happens, it happens...so it is.

At the end of the journey, what's usually recognized is what was longed for was already the case.

Everything is already perfectly whole and complete. All that's required are eyes to see this. ❤

Follow your heart for your truth...?

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, legendary said:

On one side, I do all these practices and on the other side, I do my best to resist awakening. And it is deeply agonizing to have this realization.

Yes, this is very common. This is the whole path. If there wasn't some kind of resistance it would be too easy.

I've found that it's crucial to get really clear about what you want -- why do you want awakening? -- and to do deep introspection about what is holding you back. What are all the things you're attached to which keep you from living in God-consciousness? Make a list. It's gonna be a long list. That's all the stuff you gotta work to let go of and heal.

Healing yourself and making yourself whole is very important and not to be overlooked in this work.

You're not gonna be able to sustain God-consciousness is you're tainted with all sorts of fears, judgments, wounds, traumas, grudges, anger, cravings, ideologies, etc.

You have to reach a level of inner purity where you are ready to say, "Okay, I freely surrender myself in the service of God. This is no longer about me and my petty cravings and grievances. I'm willing to surrender the self for good and to live selflessly in the service of others. I want God more than anything else in the world."

[inFlow]

12 hours ago, legendary said:

A few nights ago, I experienced an expansion of my consciousness and I saw the words "Do you want to experience Infinite Consciousness?" appear before me. I intuitively felt like all I had to do was have some faith and say yes. But I ended up saying, "Not completely. I still want to maintain my separate self". I know now that I have nothing to blame but my intentions.

 

See when you said to yourself that you are not ready it's as if God was saying you still need to build up your ego to later surrender all of it and become Enlightened. I myself have these insights that I somewhat want spiritual growth but in the other hand I still have some ego issues to resolve thus saying to myself I'am not ready yet. You still have to build up the ego to later loose it and you will experience it where you are ready to meet your true nature, to KNOW that you are GOD, but you still have this little ego which is not ready to accept the Truth.

[Spaceofawareness]

My question would be, why do you still want to maintain your separate self. What would it mean for you to lose this separate self, how would it change your daily life, your work situation, your family and relationship situation? Would it be an improvement or would it be a drawback? Do you think you might not be able to maintain all those things in an enlightened state? Or are you afraid that all those things would become meaningless and you would cease all interactions with them, and hole yourself up in a cave awaiting your transcendence to nirvana? 

These are honest questions I also have, however, my thought is you would still maintain those aspects of your life, if only for the reason that it is necessary to remain in whatever society you are in. You might not have any needs from those areas, but, you might still find some interesting stories to have play out, so why not, as you aren’t averse to anything.

[Nahm]

@legendary You’re not actually maintaining a separate self. Thoughts about you are arising, and you’re believing them. That is the “agony”, which is actually guidance regarding the thoughts. They don’t resonate because they’re not true. Her thinking might have been in you developing confidence, thus freeing from the believing of thoughts about yourself which don’t feel good, and understanding a key misunderstanding from past experience. In addressing, inspecting, the arising thoughts directly we discover the untruth, and there’s no need to culminate confidence, or, it could be said these two are the same. Psychedelica has no beliefs, but our leaving is their returning, yet no one leaves or returns. (Beliefs)

[legendary]

@VeganAwake thank you for your kind words

On 15/02/2020 at 1:05 AM, Leo Gura said:

I've found that it's crucial to get really clear about what you want -- why do you want awakening? -- and to do deep introspection about what is holding you back. What are all the things you're attached to which keep you from living in God-consciousness? Make a list. It's gonna be a long list. That's all the stuff you gotta work to let go of and heal.

Healing yourself and making yourself whole is very important and not to be overlooked in this work.

@Leo Gura Thanks a lot for that succinct assessment and the practical advice. I'm on it 

@inFlow thanks a lot for sharing your insights

On 15/02/2020 at 0:43 PM, Spaceofawareness said:

My question would be, why do you still want to maintain your separate self. What would it mean for you to lose this separate self, how would it change your daily life, your work situation, your family and relationship situation? Would it be an improvement or would it be a drawback? Do you think you might not be able to maintain all those things in an enlightened state? Or are you afraid that all those things would become meaningless and you would cease all interactions with them, and hole yourself up in a cave awaiting your transcendence to nirvana? 

@Spaceofawareness Great questions. To me, losing myself (aka Total Awakening) would be akin to going totally insane and saying goodbye to all the selfish aspects of my life; and that's terrifying because I'm extremely selfish. I'm not saying that I feel this on an intellectual level, but I definitely feel this on the level of my body-mind (karmic). Another thing is also that I think I'm likely to lose interest in my current life and subconsciously I'm trying to shield myself from that. But the ego/inauthenticity does hurt, after all, it is akin to shooting yourself in the foot.  As David Deida says, when it hurts more to remain closed down than to open up, that's when you will open up.

@Nahm That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your insights

On 15/02/2020 at 4:04 PM, Nahm said:

Psychedelica has no beliefs, but our leaving is their returning, yet no one leaves or returns. (Beliefs)

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't completely get this.