Oh The Paradoxical Nature Of Human Interactions

[Heart of Space]

12 minutes ago, Mal said:

I'm not enlightened.  Enlightenment doesn't exist.  

You understand nothing, if you believe enlightenment exists, that's all I need to register your ignorance scale.

Some people might find your jokes fun.  I don't.  I happen to understand through personal experience that they are symptoms of a deeper narcissism.  

Can you conceive that there are people out there who used to exhibit such behaviours themselves, and then woke up to the fact that these behaviours represent symptoms of a very sick self concept?

This is not a shaming contest.  But if you feel like taking my ego on then you will have to face some harsh realities.

 

 

Words, Mal, words.  Words fail.  I understand there is no one to be enlightened bla bla bla.  You're really bad about this words thing. 

I'm a comedian, in real life.  I make jokes, sometimes vulgar and sometimes they hurt feelings.  I apologize to you for hurting your feelings.  As soon as I saw I was I quit directing them towards you.

Taking on what ego?  I'm just making a personal observation. 

You still seem to think I'm attacking you.  Quite the opposite, I've enjoyed the interaction and am really trying to extend my hand out to you, but you keep slapping it away out of spite.

Edited June 25, 2016 by Heart of Space

[Mal]

8 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

Words, Mal, words.  Words fail.  Understand there is no one to be enlightened bla bla bla.  You're really bad about this words thing. 

I'm a comedian, in real life.  I make jokes, sometimes vulgar and sometimes they hurt feelings.  I apologize to you for hurting your feelings.  As soon as I saw I was I quit directing them towards you.

Taking on what ego?  I'm just making a personal observation. 

You still seem to think I'm attacking you.  Quite the opposite, I've enjoyed the interaction and am really trying to extend my hand out to you, but you keep slapping it away out of spite.

You can only say these things when you have transcended words altogether.  Until then, they are your pathetic ego defense mechanism to avoid losing face.

You are clearly not interested in personal growth, just talking shit making smut and insulting people here who come here to share deep personal issues.  Until you can consider them rather than your fucked up ridiculous "humour" then to me you are not worth sharing any "words" with, never mind wisdom.

 

[Heart of Space]

3 minutes ago, Mal said:

You can only say these things when you have transcended words altogether.  Until then, they are your pathetic ego defense mechanism to avoid losing face.

You are clearly not interested in personal growth, just talking shit making smut and insulting people here who come here to share deep personal issues.  Until you can consider them rather than your fucked up ridiculous "humour" then to me you are not worth sharing any "words" with, never mind wisdom.

 

Holy shit, I made you really angry.  To a point where I can't reach you.  Damn dude, you really need to relax a little. 

Ayla nm, feel free to delete our convo, there is no purpose for any of this. 

Edited June 25, 2016 by Heart of Space

[Mal]

No.  Until you have show other people that you consider at least their emotional well-being above your own need to express you comedic value, and sincerely then as far as I'm concerned you are not into growth, but here for your own jollies.

That's the baseline requirement for me, green and above, or at least a little bit of respect.

Red are not invited to my party.

The anger is completely appropriate limbic resonance informing me of somebody who is not to be dealt with.

You want to play ego games, I have no issues with that.  You reap what you sow.  People are not here in this life to bear the brunt of your fucking shit.  Sort it out

Edited June 25, 2016 by Mal

[Emerald]

5 hours ago, Mal said:

@Emerald Wilkins

What do you think is blocking you now?

From becoming enlightened, I mean?

I think fear and lack of acceptance. Inability to let go of cherished stories and identities... including the story relating to my two ego-transcendence experiences. Preconceived ideas about what enlightenment is based off of my memories of those experiences coupled with new second-hand knowledge that I've gleaned from Leo and various spiritual teachers. I think, I just can't let go and actually face what I am. So, I do a lot of mental masturbation and bypassing. But I'm sure I'll stop running from it eventually.

Edited June 25, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Mal]

9 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

But I'm sure I'll stop running from it eventually.

I'm not sure who is doing the running? 

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Mal said:

I'm not sure who is doing the running? 

No one. It is just an intentional creation of blindspots in awareness. Thoughts drowning out awareness.

[Mal]

@Emerald Wilkins But you said nobody, then you made nobody into something.  The thoughts and blind spots are fine.  What else is there except thoughts and blind spots just happening?

[Heart of Space]

2 hours ago, Mal said:

No.  Until you have show other people that you consider at least their emotional well-being above your own need to express you comedic value, and sincerely then as far as I'm concerned you are not into growth, but here for your own jollies.

That's the baseline requirement for me, green and above, or at least a little bit of respect.

Red are not invited to my party.

The anger is completely appropriate limbic resonance informing me of somebody who is not to be dealt with.

You want to play ego games, I have no issues with that.  You reap what you sow.  People are not here in this life to bear the brunt of your fucking shit.  Sort it out

You're still raging and I haven't even been mean to you at all.  Even my joke in my other thread wasn't even mean spirited in the slightest.  You interpret it in that way. 

I'm not to be dealt with, yet you follow me around and continue to respond to me more than any other person?  Even after I've tried to make nice with you multiple times?  And now that I'm being nice I'm just simply being manipulative and saving face?  I can't win with you.  I could literally turn into Ghandi before your very eyes and you'd still be mad. 

If anything you've made many hostile remarks towards me.  Albeit in a much more subtle passive aggressive sort of way. 

I also like how you manipulate your language and use words like "limbic" to describe your anger so others still perceive you as aware.  This is what you sound like:  "I'm not getting attached to my thoughts relating to anger, or ego, my anger is an enlightened anger."  Your response and behavior in reaction to me is a pretty clear red flag.  I will say though, you're certainly smart and your use of language is very calculated and careful as to make yourself seem aware, but you are quite obviously not.  At least not as aware as you want to come across.  And no, this isn't some shallow attack on your ego, in some attempt to "beat you" or "win" it is an observation whether I'm right or wrong.  I'm completely open to being wrong about this, but this is what it looks like. 

Edited June 25, 2016 by Heart of Space

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Mal said:

@Emerald Wilkins But you said nobody, then you made nobody into something.  The thoughts and blind spots are fine.  What else is there except thoughts and blind spots just happening?

Just thoughts and their interaction with other thoughts inexplicably being perceived. But these are more words.

[Mal]

Just now, Emerald Wilkins said:

Just thoughts and their interaction with other thoughts inexplicably being perceived. But these are more words.

Fair enough

[Emerald]

8 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

 And no, this isn't some shallow attack on your ego, in some attempt to "beat you" or "win" it is an observation whether I'm right or wrong.  I'm completely open to being wrong about this, but this is what it looks like. 

You are kind of trying to win the interaction just as much as he is. Your tactic is just different. I'm eating popcorn right now eavesdropping on you guys. I got 5 on it!

[Heart of Space]

1 minute ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

You are kind of trying to win the interaction just as much as he is. Your tactic is just different. I'm eating popcorn right now eavesdropping on you guys. I got 5 on it!

To a degree I am, I am mindful of that and am trying to stop doing it, but I'm also not the one pretending to be "awakened" either.  I'm neurotic as fuck, but I'm pretty self-aware of it and fully admit it.  Dude thinks he's buddha or something and is just as ego driven as I am lol. 

[Mal]

@Heart of Space

3 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

To a degree I am, I am mindful of that and am trying to stop doing it, but I'm also not the one pretending to be "awakened" either.  I'm neurotic as fuck, but I'm pretty self-aware of it and fully admit it.  Dude thinks he's buddha or something and is just as ego driven as I am lol. 

You have no idea what youre talking about

[Emerald]

5 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

To a degree I am, I am mindful of that and am trying to stop doing it, but I'm also not the one pretending to be "awakened" either.  I'm neurotic as fuck, but I'm pretty self-aware of it and fully admit it.  Dude thinks he's buddha or something and is just as ego driven as I am lol. 

That's the tactic. It's a pretty good tactic. It's the one that I like to use when trying to win... which I find myself constantly doing. That's why I mentioned it. He's using the "I'm more self-aware than you in ways that you're not aware of" tactic and you're using the "I'm aware that I'm not aware of many things which makes me more aware... I'm not even mad at your lack of awareness" tactic. Then I come in trying to win with a "I'm so aware that I see the futility of trying to win. Then go meta on it all in the same sentence." We're all a bunch of dodo-birds.

 

[Heart of Space]

2 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

That's the tactic. It's a pretty good tactic. It's the one that I like to use when trying to win... which I find myself constantly doing. That's why I mentioned it. He's using the "I'm more self-aware than you in ways that you're not aware of" tactic and you're using the "I'm aware that I'm not aware of many things which makes me more aware... I'm not even mad at your lack of awareness" tactic. Then I come in trying to win with a "I'm so aware that I see the futility of trying to win. Then go meta on it all in the same sentence." We're all a bunch of dodo-birds.

 

Lol, that's pretty heinous shit imo.  But then again I'm a rabid narcissistic monkey with a giant ego.  I still admire myself in the mirror multiple times a day and marvel and my supposed vast intelligence and wit.  I sometimes reread my posts and get a little egorgasm.  When Mal said I had a big IQ I was very aware of an orgasmic feeling in my mind as my ego got a huge erection.  Thanks for that, Mal, btw.  I'm neurotic as balls.  But god damn it if I'm not trying to become more self-aware. 

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

Lol, that's pretty heinous shit imo.  But then again I'm a rabid narcissistic monkey with a giant ego.  I still admire myself in the mirror multiple times a day and marvel and my supposed vast intelligence and wit.  I sometimes reread my posts and get a little egorgasm.  When Mal said I had a big IQ I was very aware of an orgasmic feeling in my mind as my ego got a huge erection.  Thanks for that, Mal, btw.  I'm neurotic as balls.  But god damn it if I'm not trying to become more self-aware. 

Haha. Let's be honest, I totally think that I won the dick measuring contest. I hope I get a trophy.

[Heart of Space]

Just now, Emerald Wilkins said:

Haha. Let's be honest, I totally think that I won the dick measuring contest. I hope I get a trophy.

You totally did.  I feel the pressure to win this thread sliding off my back.  I can let my big ego finally rest and wash myself in the pure humility of awareness.

And now that that's done we can go back to the more important and relevant topic and hand?  Aka ME and MY perspective and feelings on male sexuality and how I should get everything I want no matter how conflicting? 

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, Heart of Space said:

You totally did.  I feel the pressure to win this thread sliding off my back.  I can let my big ego finally rest and wash myself in the pure humility of awareness.

And now that that's done we can go back to the more important and relevant topic and hand?  Aka ME and MY perspective and feelings on male sexuality and how I should get everything I want no matter how conflicting? 

Per the norm. But in all seriousness, I always have this underlying urge to win interactions. I will argue someone to death, and I'm pretty decent at it. (not trying to be big-headed, but I totally am). I know how to expose the weak spots in arguments while also keeping my composure and maintaining a (false) facade of good sportsmanship, humility, and non-reactivity. So, I get such strong ego-joy from tearing people's arguments to shreds and winning people over until there's nothing left. I'm like the Ted Bundy of arguing.

[Heart of Space]

1 minute ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

Per the norm. But in all seriousness, I always have this underlying urge to win interactions. I will argue someone to death, and I'm pretty decent at it. (not trying to be big-headed, but I totally am). I know how to expose the weak spots in arguments while also keeping my composure and maintaining a (false) facade of good sportsmanship, humility, and non-reactivity. So, I get such strong ego-joy from tearing people's arguments to shreds and winning people over until there's nothing left. I'm like the Ted Bundy of arguing.

I know in my case I'm very attached to the idea that I am an intelligent person.  And when I can "beat" other people in a debate with "superior" use of logic and reason it props up my concept of self-worth.   This is especially bad when I meet someone like me in this way and we have a disagreement.  It's like gasoline to a fire.  I've gotten better about it though and try my best to be more open minded and admit when I'm wrong.  It doesn't always work out though as you can *cough* see here. 

I was genuinely trying to be nice and cordial and certain points though, but I just get sucked right back into the ego black hole.  A great example was the last post you quoted where I was responding to Mal.  I have to be incredibly careful in self-awareness work because minds like mine tend to bloat themselves with self-aggrandizing ego stroking thoughts.  It's easy to want to wank your ego off with the idea of how much more self-aware you are then "normal" people.  I don't even like admitting it, but it is true.