My biggest mistake in spirituality

[trenton]

I caused myself a lot of suffering after realizing that I lie to myself constantly in order to make the impression that I know my current worldview is true.  I sensed this in the background constantly, but did not understand how to deal with it.  It did not matter what I changed my beliefs to because that just became an alternative lie.  This constant doubt linked to me not really knowing became a catalyst for me to tear myself apart by trying not to lie.

Politics helped me to figure out what the problem was.  One of the fascinating reasons I am drawn to politics is because I often see a reflection of myself not only in corrupt politicians, but even more interestingly in the collective ego at play.  The phenomenon takes place collectively and individually.  When people debate with each other, they are not getting any closer to truth, they are simply allowing themselves to be entrenched further in their current worldview.  The same applies to science vs. religion.

As I tried not lie, my thoughts only repeated themselves more strongly on an endless loop.  The same phenomenon is occurring where all of the internal resistance to lying only leads to more lying.  Similarly if a politician loses a debate, they are not going to change their mind, instead they will come up with 20 more rationalizations for why their position is still right and why they should have been elected instead.  This is just digging myself deeper when I resist lying. 

Meanwhile, if I try to compensate by telling the truth, then I will just lie that I am telling the truth, thus moralizing only leads to more lying and it fails.  I did this a lot as a child.  In short moralizing is extremely self destructive even if you make all of your peers, teachers, classmates, family members, and co-workers uncomfortable, scared, confused, and angry because of your typical patterns of behavior and they think you are a freak.

The contrast in the peace I experience when I stop resistance to lying and stop moralizing rather than the alternative is very liberating.  This is a far better way to live life and I cannot explain how much happier I am to live life this way.  It is a matter of observing all of the suffering I ever caused myself through these blunders (about 95% of all the suffering in my life) vs. peace and unconditional self acceptance.  I think this work is worth my while.

[Nahm]

@trenton Beautiful.