I've been a struggling with a particular painful thoughts since 4-5 years ago.

[Javfly33]

Hi, this might sound for some people a "not a big problem" but it has caused me some serious damage in my peace the last 6 years. (The first two years been hell, the next three subsiding until not feeling this thoughts at all unless very particular occasions) The thing that worries me, is that I thought I had completely let go of this type of thoughts but today the mind again triggered this thoughts.

I gotta say, I've started meditating again, so thoughts are easier than ever to let them go. I know I AM in the breath, as I AM in the thoughts. However this particular ones, which today arised, I absolutely lose the battle with them. I can not let them go. I won't. 

The source of this thoughts (but not sure if the cause, or if they were before in my mind/soul) is that some years ago I met a girl and I became obsessed with her. Everything about her I loved/idealized. The problem is I projected also this idealization towards everything she did or place she went etc.

That cause serious pain. Everytime I thought about her or anything related with her, my mind would see it as an amazing thing, that indeed was amazing and I couldn't get it. 

However, I must say I have transcended my obsession or idealization with this girl a long time ago already. If I think about her now, which I rarely do, I see her as a normal person as me and I don't consider it's activities more special than mines.

BUT, it seems this strange idealization energy IS STILL INSIDE ME. Today I saw walk by a girl which I already have seen a couple of times, and Bum, again the thoughts of intense idealization. I don't even know the girl. I just saw her 3 times and I find her attractive but nothing too crazy. However tonight I find myself having this crazy thoughts again, this thoughts say something like this:

"This girl is absolutely special and this is like gold, you don't know what is but this girl is truly incredible and amazing and while everything else in reality is "normal" and all beings have normal value, this girl is absolutely out of that scale and actually you are incomplete and your losing something essential because you don't have what she has". 

The fact that my mind tells me that there's something out there with incredible valuable and super special drives me nuts. Rationally I know it doesn't make sense. However this thoughts are absolutely strange in it's nature. They acquire a reality of 100% even if they are fucking stupid. And also they come with incredible pain as "this is something amazing of reality that you are missing".

It's like If I be a cocaine addict and suddenly the mind is saying me that there's this thing that is x100 better than cocaine and i can't get it.

 

[Forestluv]

Last week I was in a museum and saw a vase on display that captivated me. I was in awe of it's beauty. I stood there gazing at it, appreciating it's magnificence. Those moments were fully complete. I didn't need to own or possess that vase to make me complete. There were no thought stories about how my life would be better if I could get my hands on this vase. There were no thought stories about how I'm not good enough because I can't own a vase of this beauty. There was simply the experience of beauty and love without attachment. 

Sometimes when I see a person, there is an appreciation of beauty. Perhaps it's the clothing or jewelry they wear. Perhaps it's how they smile or the way they interact with others. Perhaps it's their sense of humor or how they create art. That resonance to beauty and love is amazing and I wouldn't want to miss it. 

I think you said it best: "there is something amazing of reality that you are missing". 

What is this "something" you are missing? Is not this moment fully complete as it is?. . . Do you think it's a coincidence you feel this "missing something" around women you adore? . . . Do you have a similar yearning for a missing something when you view a beautiful vase, flower or painting? 

 

 

[Javfly33]

On 11/2/2020 at 2:51 AM, Serotoninluv said:

 

What is this "something" you are missing? Is not this moment fully complete as it is?. . . Do you think it's a coincidence you feel this "missing something" around women you adore? . . . Do you have a similar yearning for a missing something when you view a beautiful vase, flower or painting? 

 

 

@Serotoninluv Mhh. Not really. I mean yeah I can like a painting but definetely as you said no in the same way of intensity/desire. Well this "something" that I am missing seems like a "creation" of something that could be possible, yet that I've never experienced. I guess it is just another story in the mind, but I'm just shocked why it's such a strong one. Why I can't let it go as the other ones. 

For example is like the rest of thoughts is letting go of a simple chocolate, and this other one is like letting go of cocaine if you are a cocaine adddict.