Should I move to a new city or am I just repeating the past?

[zudrush]

I'm a guy in my mid 30s and I'm trying to work out the next step of my life. The best solution I can see is moving somewhere else and starting over again. However, I have done this in the past without success, and wonder if I am only running from my problem.

Several years ago I moved to this current city with nothing. I was poor and didn't know anyone. My intention was to get a meaningful education, make some friends, and make something of myself. I've been able to build a background in desk jobs and save some money, but I can't seem to stay in a job or find any training and meeting people here has been amazingly difficult. Jobs are becoming difficult to find, rents are increasing way above wages and the public transportation is unreliable. So my decision is to move away entirely where rents and jobs are a little more reasonable, and where people are friendlier.

My problem is that I am not getting a chance in life. Whatever I apply myself in seems to fall apart. Everywhere I go there are barriers. The only work I can get is basic and dead end. Education seems to matter most, if not entirely on what you can already bring to the table, as do relationships. I simply don't seem to get a chance.

I am not talking about having an easy life or how to get my lawn a little rosier. I am talking about having real life choices and chances. Things that lead to having a coherent identity, or a meaningful established-ness. As it stands, I'm nothing to this world. Somehow I have become estranged from society and I can't work out how to get in.

Growing up I was never interested in the popularity contests and scorned them as artificial. Looking back, I understand now how important they are if you want to be meaningful or relatable to the world. But I was a child then. How come I'm still getting punished now?

My moving away, I'm not looking to "start over" - I want to START my life and be allowed to have the same normal opportunities and chances that an adult should be allowed to have. It's not right that a human male has had over 100 jobs, no relationship history and spends 99% of their free time alone. That is more like prison, and I need to take action.

So what does that sound like to you? Do I sound like someone making a wise decision or someone just repeating the past? 

[Average Investor]

You are relying on circumstances to create opportunities for you. While that could be great if you ended up getting some that way, the likeliness is not that great. You are going to want to create these opportunities for yourself if you really want something.

What do you want to do most? What is really holding you back right now? What new opportunities would you look for somewhere new? 

 

[Hello from Russia]

May I know what exactly stopping you right now and where do you live? Can you elaborate a bit more on details on your situation, what did you actually try? What jobs did you work on? You said something about education, did you manage to create some education for yourself to win decent jobs easier?

Edited February 9, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[zudrush]

54 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

You are relying on circumstances to create opportunities for you. While that could be great if you ended up getting some that way, the likeliness is not that great. You are going to want to create these opportunities for yourself if you really want something.

How am I relying on circumstances? I came here with no job, no friends and virtually no money, and managed to build a small career. I went to higher education, attended many events, got jobs and qualifications myself. I'm now considering changing my entire location again. Isn't that the opposite of waiting for circumstances to change?

If I had stayed where I was before, there would have been no future for me. There were few jobs and most people I knew were either into drugs or getting out themselves. I've had to learn how to do things by myself and make things from scratch. And I've noticed that isn't something most people dare to do; they will instead "fall into" their circumstances. That's not something I can afford, because I've nowhere to fall.

54 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

What do you want to do most? What is really holding you back right now? What new opportunities would you look for somewhere new? 

Have a future. Lack of opportunity. Training, higher paying work, relationships.

 

27 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

May I know what exactly stopping you right now and where do you live? Can you elaborate a bit more on details on your situation, what did you actually try? What jobs did you work on? You said something about education, did you manage to create some education for yourself to win decent jobs easier?

I live in a small city in the UK. I've worked many jobs from retail, to working in catering, kitchen porter, bartender, customer call centre, maintenance operations, utilities, telecommunications, outsourcing, anything attainable as entry level. No, my education didn't lead to work. Yes, I regularly go online and self-study so I can put courses on my CV, although it rarely leads to better prospects. 

[Hello from Russia]

@zudrush
I see you've been dabbling across many different fields and carreer paths. I think this might be one of your main problem. Did yoonsider focusing on one path that you really like and go deep in it? Like, become a really good expert in the field. Perhaps, even make your own biz in the long run that is related to this path or is close to it?

[zudrush]

1 minute ago, Hello from Russia said:

@zudrush
I see you've been dabbling across many different fields and carreer paths. I think this might be one of your main problem. Did yoonsider focusing on one path that you really like and go deep in it? Like, become a really good expert in the field. Perhaps, even make your own biz in the long run that is related to this path or is close to it?

No, I don't get an opportunity. None of the jobs I work lead to long term development or progression. In terms of skill development, I'm completely baffled as to what I could ever do. Creating my own business is unthinkable, it would be impossible without substantial skills, experience and connections. I tried the education path twice and neither time did they bother with teaching about how an industry works. I used to have very specific ideas about what I wanted to do but I wasn't able to find work in those areas. So the only option left for me is to do as you've identified, experiment and dabble in different jobs until one works.

[Elisabeth]

 

 

 

1

5 hours ago, zudrush said:

I can't seem to stay in a job or find any training and meeting people here has been amazingly difficult. Jobs are becoming difficult to find, rents are increasing way above wages and the public transportation is unreliable. So my decision is to move away entirely where rents and jobs are a little more reasonable, and where people are friendlier.

...

So what does that sound like to you? Do I sound like someone making a wise decision or someone just repeating the past? 

To answer your question, it sounds like both:

- You have nothing to lose by moving, so you can as well live anywhere you can find a job that can pay your rent. 

- As for "repeating your past", people have pointed out that you're blaming your circumstances quite a bit. Or so it seems from your posts in this thread. While this is understandable, it doesn't help, and its a mindset you're taking with you. 

To start noticing this, Leo's videos "Responsibility vs. blame" and "Stop being a victim" might be helpful.

If you want to re-try and get focused on one career path, the life-purpose course is for you. 

[Average Investor]

2 hours ago, zudrush said:

Isn't that the opposite of waiting for circumstances to change?

I'm not suggesting to wait for them to change.

 

2 hours ago, zudrush said:

came here with no job, no friends and virtually no money, and managed to build a small career. I went to higher education, attended many events, got jobs and qualifications myself.

What are you expecting the new location to have? 

2 hours ago, zudrush said:

Have a future. Lack of opportunity. Training, higher paying work, relationships.

What does that look like though? What environment is going to permit those things? 

1 hour ago, zudrush said:

Creating my own business is unthinkable, it would be impossible without substantial skills, experience and connections.

Would you consider doing it, if nothing was stopping you? 

[zudrush]

12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

- You have nothing to lose by moving, so you can as well live anywhere you can find a job that can pay your rent. 

- As for "repeating your past", people have pointed out that you're blaming your circumstances quite a bit. Or so it seems from your posts in this thread. While this is understandable, it doesn't help, and its a mindset you're taking with you. 

To start noticing this, Leo's videos "Responsibility vs. blame" and "Stop being a victim" might be helpful.

12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

12 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

There are things to lose by moving away; I would be unfamiliar with the local area. But there isn't much else.

 

And I'm not blaming anyone or anything, I'm trying hold my circumstances accountable whilst holding myself responsible. There is virtually nowhere I can grow here and it's not good enough for me. I only moved to my current address because I was about to be homeless and it was also for a job which laid me off 10 months later. Now I can't move back into the city anyway because it would be economically unfeasible to me.

12 hours ago, Average Investor said:

What are you expecting the new location to have? 

Jobs. Cheaper rents. Opportunities for friendship and better social scene. Opportunities for education and growth.

 

12 hours ago, Average Investor said:

What does that look like though? What environment is going to permit those things? 

Well, what does that appear like to you? I'm living in a small city, and I'm thinking of moving to a larger city for work and opportunities such as education. Would a larger city offer better chances to you?

 

12 hours ago, Average Investor said:

Would you consider doing it, if nothing was stopping you? 

Oh god... What are you talking about?!? I'm talking about relocation because of the lack of opportunity here. How would I launch my own my business in this situation without connections, skills, or capital and no plan or failsafes?? That's crazy!! How much crazier can you get??

[Hello from Russia]

You can train yourself skills, get connections and learn business practices. You can create it all for yourself.

About biz: In today's economy you don't really have to do business locally, you can do everything via internet. I'm doing my design business through internet right now as many other people

Edited February 10, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Elisabeth]

@zudrush Ok, lets do questions. I write these to help explore the problem from more angles.

- Larger city usually means higher rent, not lower rent. Have you checked? Do you already have an area in mind where (the kind of wage you will realistically get) vs. rent is more advantageous? 

- Why is it difficult for you to keep a job long-term?  (100 jobs by age 35 is insane)

- How long are you willing to commute to work?

- You keep talking about education. What kind, what field? What do you expect education to give you? Why have you dropped out in the past? 

- If you already had the necessary education finished, what kind of job or business would you like to do? 

- As for finding employment, have you asked about opportunities your "weak social ties" - distant relatives, acquaintances, friends of friends? (For this, however, you'd have to be specific about what you're looking for.)

- You also talk about a lack of social opportunities, you hope people would be 'friendlier' in the new area. What does that mean? Have you previously lived in an area with 'friendlier' people? 

- What kind of "dating opportunities" are you seeking? Clubs and bars? Hobbies where you meet like-minded people?

I believe you can get out of your rut and a move might help. But doing stable work that you're somewhat good at is most important. Once you have that, dating becomes easier too.  

[Nahm]

@zudrush

Current paradigm: Looking to the content of thoughts. Choosing perspectives / statements of what I don’t want, and ignoring the feeling. 

Write on a pad of paper, everything you now know that you do not want. 

Then, derive the opposite - what you do want, and write every bit of that on your dream board. 

New paradigm: When a thought arises, I listen to how it feels, and choose thoughts which are aligned with feeling good. 

The dream you want will unfold. Insights start coming. The journey is enjoyed. 

 

“Don’t think of a pink elephant”.... What are you thinking about...a pink elephant. 

“Do think of a green bear”.....What are you thinking about....a green bear.

 

”I don’t want X”.....You’re still focusing on, X...what you don’t want. Guess what you get more of in experience...  what you’re focused on. 

Takes a while to “reprogram”...to focus on what you do want. But, everything changes, in accordance with what you do want. 

[zudrush]

10 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

In today's economy you don't really have to do business locally, you can do everything via internet. I'm doing my design business through internet right now as many other people

I spent years trying to work online in design, put in thousands of hours, made hundreds of designs and websites. It never earned me a dime sadly. Well done that you've managed to earn a living from it. 

 

9 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

@zudrush - Larger city usually means higher rent, not lower rent. Have you checked? Do you already have an area in mind where (the kind of wage you will realistically get) vs. rent is more advantageous? 

- Why is it difficult for you to keep a job long-term?  (100 jobs by age 35 is insane)

- How long are you willing to commute to work?

- You keep talking about education. What kind, what field? What do you expect education to give you? Why have you dropped out in the past? 

- If you already had the necessary education finished, what kind of job or business would you like to do? 

- As for finding employment, have you asked about opportunities your "weak social ties" - distant relatives, acquaintances, friends of friends? (For this, however, you'd have to be specific about what you're looking for.)

- You also talk about a lack of social opportunities, you hope people would be 'friendlier' in the new area. What does that mean? Have you previously lived in an area with 'friendlier' people? 

- What kind of "dating opportunities" are you seeking? Clubs and bars? Hobbies where you meet like-minded people?

I believe you can get out of your rut and a move might help. But doing stable work that you're somewhat good at is most important. Once you have that, dating becomes easier too.  

Yes, I'm doing my research and finding rent to be cheaper in other cities. My current city is well known for having above average property rates. In some places I could rent a 2 bedroom house compared to what I rent now, a large studio flat.

It's difficult for me to keep a job because the only ones available are low skill and entry level, and I'm experienced, intelligent and self-driven. I have never found an opportunity for development or progression in the companies I've worked in, or an opportunity to employ myself.

Education: I've spent a long time in education. To me, education, if it's worth it, has it's own meaning. An education that forces you to google everything is a waste of money. I've dropped out in the past before because I learned more in the years training myself than going to school.

If I had the necessary meaningful education, I would be employable in that field. Note: it is not me bringing the meaning, it is up to the education to be meaningful, and lead to real work. I cannot force an educator or a curriculum to be meaningful, they must do that themselves.

In terms of relationships, I have virtually nothing. No family, no distant relatives, no acquaintances, no friends or friends of friends. It has been extremely difficult to create relationships out of nothing. This is what I mean by meeting friendlier people - those that will come out of their comfort zone.

Please bear in mind, I have tried everything here, studying at a university, studying online courses, meeting hundreds of people, trying many jobs, volunteering, researching how to make a company, I have been googling for answers since google existed. Google has been all I have ever had and it's not enough.

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

@zudrush

Takes a while to “reprogram”...to focus on what you do want. But, everything changes, in accordance with what you do want. 

I am looking for meaningful jobs, opportunities, relationships. If you need further elaboration from that point on, please feel free to develop this elaboration yourself. I am trying to have a conversation about physical relocation from one city to another in order to find things that are happy to be meaningful in themselves, and are not looking for others to bring meaning to them.

[Nahm]

@zudrush I wish you the best, it’ll all work out. ??

[Elisabeth]

Quote

I spent years trying to work online in design, put in thousands of hours, made hundreds of designs and websites. It never earned me a dime sadly. Well done that you've managed to earn a living from it. 

...

It's difficult for me to keep a job because the only ones available are low skill and entry level, and I'm experienced, intelligent and self-driven. I have never found an opportunity for development or progression in the companies I've worked in, or an opportunity to employ myself.

I genuinely don't understand. 

If you're making hundreds of websites, why not charge money? 

If you're experienced and self-driven, how come that you're not in demand with employers? 

Do find a job where you can "progress" and move cities. So much is clear. But the lack of both long-term employment and friends is confusing. Are you seen as 'weird', do you have Asperger's or something? 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Elisabeth

[Elisabeth]

 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

- If you already had the necessary education finished, what kind of job or business would you like to do

You omitted this question, I'm not sure if that was on purpose. I consider it an important question, because there may be paths to get into some fields even without education, you just have to figure out how. 

[zudrush]

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I genuinely don't understand. 

If you're making hundreds of websites, why not charge money? 

If you're experienced and self-driven, how come that you're not in demand with employers? 

Do find a job where you can "progress" and move cities. So much is clear. But the lack of both long-term employment and friends is confusing. Are you seen as 'weird', do you have Asperger's or something? 

I said I made hundreds of designs and websites. Most of them are gone. I gave up with it. I couldn't market myself competitively or figure out what skills I needed, or how to make money. I spent thousands of hours trying to learn.

I am not experienced in any established field. But I am too generally experienced to be attractive to employers. I am also self motivated and employers don't like this as it is strange to them. I'm now not able to start from the bottom of any field and work my way up.

Yes, the lack of purpose or direction in my life is very crushing, but there is no way to solve this. No, I don't try with friends because it is an expectation for me to have purpose, and this is not possible because I can't find meaningful education. No, I am not crazy or mentally impaired.

2 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

You omitted this question, I'm not sure if that was on purpose. I consider it an important question, because there may be paths to get into some fields even without education, you just have to figure out how. 

I answered it already. I want to find meaningful education and work in an industry. That isn't possible. For instance, I could give you some things I am interested in, but you wouldn't be able to offer how to access work or training in them, because there are no ways. It's not worth spending more time figuring out what paths exist, I don't get a chance at them because of my circumstances. So they are meaningless.

[Average Investor]

@zudrush I'm trying to point out the mindset that is really trapping you from getting those things that you want. You have made up your mind on relocating. If you get there and don't find them, then will you move again? I live in a fairly small town myself. I do drive to a large city over an hour away and get some opportunities for my business. However, I have developed many things here that have allowed me to find so much abundance that I hardly even need to get anything from the large city. But only because I changed my way of how I was looking at it. I realized what I had to do to find that abundance. 

I don't mean you any harm with my questions. I realize it might have sounded redundant with the questions, but I was hoping for you to see what I meant that way. There is a massive amount of wealth and prosperity available if you are willing to look for it. Even the fact that you are on the internet with me here tells me how much of this abundance you have access too. Think of all of the billions of people you can access here. 

 

[zudrush]

58 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

@zudrush I'm trying to point out the mindset that is really trapping you from getting those things that you want. You have made up your mind on relocating. If you get there and don't find them, then will you move again? I live in a fairly small town myself. I do drive to a large city over an hour away and get some opportunities for my business. However, I have developed many things here that have allowed me to find so much abundance that I hardly even need to get anything from the large city. But only because I changed my way of how I was looking at it. I realized what I had to do to find that abundance. 

5 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

I have not yet decided to relocate. If I can't find anything somewhere else, I'll move and keep moving. What else do I have left? Where else CAN I go? It's not like I came here with anything and I've experimented as much as possible. If I'm not wanted or needed by society what are the alternatives?

I've already explained how I've spent countless thousands of hours on the internet alone trying to teach myself everything and it's left me friendless, poor, and without any other option but to rely on the internet for everything. If anything, it's not shown me how to be free, it has taught me how to be oppressed. I can't make money, develop skills or build a future on the internet alone. Most, if not all people can't. It's a lie, one that suckered me good.

My mindset is that I am totally exhausted. I have no friends, no family, no money, no educational prospects and no vocational prospects, despite throwing myself at every challenge I could find. I can't even see my own reflection let alone consider my "mindset". Now what do I do? Stay here forever or do something about it?

 

[Elisabeth]

@zudrush You are a 35yo healthy man. These are no crushing circumstances in the job market. What is somewhat crushing is the social isolation. What perhaps also feels crushing are unfulfilled ambition. 

A lot of people don't have purpose, so this is not a reason why you don't have friends, don't be kidding yourself. 

You keep using the word "meaningful" a lot. I honestly have no idea what it means to you. 

For example, I gather that career progression is probably meaningful to you. Yet in the eyes of a lot of people, you could have a job with no chance of progress and still do meaningful work, if their work was helping people, or if they had good coworkers (then it would be meaningful for them personally to work with these people). 

I hesitate to recommend you the life-purpose course again, although I think you need it, because you wouldn't finish it.

You need to do some serious work both in the outside world and on the inside (to reverse this unfortunate "I have tried everything and nothing is ever gonna work" mindset), but I wouldn't know where to start.

I wish you luck.