Foundational Fixing my life February 2020 journal 1.0

[Kshantivadin]

This is the first baby journal I'll make. I have great visions for the future but the first step is to fix my shit, removing all the negative habits and patterns. Hope that it will bring positive change to your life as well.

I've started my personal development journey in 2016. I think I've built a solid foundation. My conceptual foundation is complete. My habit foundation is almost complete. I've overcome many emotional obstacles. I have a bit of shit left to fix, and a bit of shit to implement and I'm ready to start hardcore visionary personal development work. But first, learning to brush my teeth.

Join me as I finally take my problems and make them my responsibility and start manifesting the life that I want to live.

Tying up loose ends , february 2020

Edited February 9, 2020 by Kshantivadin

[Kshantivadin]

9th of February

allowed myself to inspire myself before a workout. Something I would never let myself do earlier. I'm off to do it!

 

 

 

[Kshantivadin]

I haven't got many loose ends actually.

tangible things i need to fix :

• brush my teeth at least 1x a day
• go to the fucking dentist already (SO MUCH RESISTANCE to making an appointment. I cringe at the idea of calling a dentist and going and doing it. It's not really fear, it's EXTREME, paralyzing dread that there's no space in the emotion to actually make myself do it so I can get on with my life -writing this is the most spacious thing up to now)
• start washing my clothes by myself (I've been living alone for some time now and I still didn't turn my washing machine on). Major resistance and this hurts my self worth and sense of integrity in a way.
• start generating any kind of income to get the ball rolling

All these bullets happen because of the same underlying cause I think. I need to inquire into that deeply, you could call it depression.

bad habits :

• overeating (peanuts have WAAAAY too many calories and are the #1 reason I have puffy cheeks)
• not fixing problems as they arise

I actually don't know how to go on with this process. I haven't really found a blueprint on this personal development part. This is basically fixing negative mindsets / beliefs / thought patterns / emotions  ???      because the problems don't lie in the specific things, but there is a root cause. If I fixed the root cause, the problems wouldn't appear anymore. I don't know how to go on about this. But that something is hindering my ability to fully get into the above zero part of personal development.

 

Edited February 10, 2020 by Kshantivadin

[Kshantivadin]

I might need to invest in therapy or coaching to fix the dysfunctional parts of my mind. Didn't brush my teeth last night, no willpower. Barely went to the bank to withdraw rent money, almost quit the endeavor.

why am I like this?

Might be that the mind is manipulating my newfound realizations about how I'll be alright no matter what. About how on the absolute level, it really doesn't fucking matter. And then I have no fuel to do the things eg brushing teeth, because ultimately it doesn't really matter. No fear to fuel me, no anxiety as in the past ( I remember the thoughts from years ago and the spike of anxiety I'd get when I'd miss brushing my teeth once in a year and it'd motivate me to immediately get up and do it haha). No fear now.

Finally didn't ejaculate long enough to get a wet dream. I love retaining my semen, which was really hard because I have sex almost everyday and when I didn't I would be really unconsciously driven to masturbate. Happened a few times in the past 3 months.

[Kshantivadin]

I commit to brushing my teeth in the morning, as it's way easier than doing it just before sleep. I'm going to 100% follow through with the morning brush.

 

While I'm writing this, I notice myself judging myself. Thoughts such as "why would anyone want to read this omg why are you distracting people with this bullshit" appear. "How come I am so fucked up in this life that I'm struggling to brush my teeth and wash my clothes - just fucking get up and brush your fucking teeth for fucks sake". The act itself is not hard. The resistance around it is unimaginable. I don't know why does the resistance happen. I will inquire into it. But it is definitely stronger than the karma to break through it, most of the times.

Edited February 11, 2020 by Kshantivadin

[Kshantivadin]

I'm physically sick from the way I live my life. Being dead tired makes it darker so I'll go to sleep now. At least I can sleep, not long ago I had insomnia...

I hate checking my phone this often. I hate looking at pictures. I hate listening to music. I hate any compulsive gratification. How are these rewarding things such a slippery slope? I feel hopeless. I feel angry because I thought I was done with that. I feel angry because I'm directly responsible for the lower quality of life from such habits.

Is dopamine even real? I'm having limiting beliefs about the phenomenological equivalent of "dopamine"... and how pleasant, "dopamine-stimulating" activities are going to make me less sensitive to life in general.

I generally don't know what to think about things in general anymore... I don't know anything about anything.

[Kshantivadin]

I often confuse tiredness and the mental state that comes with it with depression, when all you need is to sleep. I kinda forget that I have physical needs that directly influence my mind...

There's a saying in my country "the morning is smarter than the night"

 

I'm brushing my teeth first thing in the morning. It feels awesome.

 

• brush my teeth at least 1x a day
• start washing my clothes by myself FEELS AMAZING man. I feel so better about myself. Took me 3 months of living alone to do laundry. The thing is I haven't done anything in my life, my mom did everything for me. So cleaning and washing the dishes is something that seemed unsurmountable in my life. But I did it, woo!

 

[Kshantivadin]

Compulsive artificial stimulation has got me numb I think. Thinking about my life purpose makes me have thoughts such as "I don't want anything".

It's a vicious circle. That kind of life hurts. Don't want. But I still want social media. I still want music. What the fuck do I do ...

[Kshantivadin]

Overate three days in a row, brushing teeth regularly.

[Kshantivadin]

One more day of overeating - I genuinely feel hungry but then eat too much. Don't feel full. It wouldn't even feel like overeating if I weren't aware of the amount of food and calories I'm taking in - definitely a surplus.

I'm having a downer of a mood for days already, at least a week. It's hard to fix the foundational bad habits while you're in this kind of mood. But I think that by 1st of March, true hardcore personal development can start. I've got my values defined, I've got hints of my life purpose, I'm definitely sure what my passions are, and all I need to do is set daily tasks to manifest the things that I would like in my life.

I'm sorry if this journal is a bore, but I'm literally in between a cycle where I want to outgrow the previous and be born anew.

The karma I'm dealt with at the moment is on the one hand divine and on the other hellish. I have to deal with really difficult lacks of motivation, bipolar mood swings where at times I just want to lie down until I die, and on the others get manic and sometimes believe the thoughts that happen in such states which can be harmful instead of just enjoying the ride. I have to deal with huge irresponsibility, fear of commitment, all which seem insurmountable at the moment because I have to battle at multiple fronts at once. I have to overcome the new responsibility of paying my rent. Of caring for my needs. Washing my clothes. Cleaning my apartment, handling my food. The transition is difficult by itself, but add the shitty mental inclinations and thought and behavior patterns and a underdeveloped shadow and it becomes a wreck.

A new semester in my university started yesterday. I'm at the half of my studies right now. Already. Studying is hard for me, I have lots of resistance to studying and passing exams and a lot of emotional baggage and limiting beliefs concerning me being able to overcome the obstacle of graduating. "I'll never pass that exam, I'm a worthless person if I can't, it's so fucking easy and I can't even do that". The emotions are being perpetuated by the fact that I struggle with the exam no matter what, but I can't muster the motivation to score a higher grade. So I struggle for a petty grade, and then feel bad about myself. The emotions are being perpetuated by the fact that my survival is threatened by those bad grades. How can I continue my studies after bachelor with shit grades? (I don't know that I even want to, but you get me, it directly threatens my survival if my degree is worth jack shit and I'll forever be a wage slave if I have bad grades).

Add onto the former two problems the fact that I must juggle intimate relationships as well. Then add another ball of personal development. Add nutrition. Add fitness. And you get a dude who's not stressed from thinking, because he's meditating, who's not overthinking, because he's meditating. But the dude is struggling nevertheless. I think I'd go crazy with this kind of hardship if I haven't meditated daily for the past 3 years.

And it doesn't help that I don't think much. Not articulating the struggle, just like I did here and what people do in their own thoughts (I presume) when they're overthinking, makes it even harder. Not thinking means I don't see the big picture of how this is gonna be like growth on steroids if I conquer the struggle. I don't see how life is gonna look like in a month. Three months. Half a year, one year from now. So I can't muster the will.

[Kshantivadin]

Trying to make journaling everyday a habit. I'm writing things down in my commonplace ALL the time (!) but I think that reflecting for a few minutes a day is a really useful habit as well.

I think I'm too engulfed in content. Things are just happening, life is pretty stimulating and loud. I communicate really often, so times of solitude are rare, and when they happen, the mind is habituated to stimulation so it finds a way not to sit and absorb all the impressions and the experience.

Today is kind of different, it feels like reuniting with an old friend. I finally managed to calm the mind down. This is necessary, at least once a week.

I do the things that lead to things I detest in the future, yet I still do them. When I do them I don't know that they're gonna lead to the things I detest. Really ignorant. My chubby face which I hate never appears in my mind when I overeat. Or, if it does, I shun it, ignore it, it's not an emotionally charged image, I just simply don't care. And one day I wake up with chubby cheeks and have to unreap all the fruit from the bad habits. 7700 kcals per kilogram, eh.

[Kshantivadin]

Stopped overeating, ate in a bit of a deficit for only 2 days and my habits immediately got back to normal. Lost puffy cheeks and feel much better.

I kinda feel like I did fix it, this February went really fast though... I still feel and am stuck with generating income. Haven't done anything in that respect. But I brush teeth every morning, and meditate both first thing in the morning and in the evening. Feels way better to do it 2x a day.