Frequent Ego Backlash

[electroBeam]

I have frequent peaks of ego backlash(every 1 month to every 2 weeks). And it lasts usually 3 to 4 days, maybe 5.

During an ego backlash I go on a mid-life crisis where I feel like being a cocaine drug dealer living in the ghettos and having highway speed chases with cops. It's sort of like being drunk on alcohol except you're sober.

Most of the time I don't notice this is happening until I do something stupid. I just think this is what I value and this is who I am. 

The values that I have usually are almost the opposite to what is experienced when these mid life crisis happen. 

This value shift happens frequently, and it makes it hard to sustain stability in life purpose, meditation habit, etc. 

I want to have a stable life purpose and meditation habit without being knocked off the pedastool by these ghetto desires every 2 weeks. 

It usually happens after being in a state of non dual awareness for 3 or 4 days. Or if I'm finding myself or other spiritual stuff. So it's not going away easily.

How should one keep on track while you feel like you're a badass thug that's gonna sell some cocaine to some niggas while having a shootout with the cops?

Edited February 9, 2020 by electroBeam

[Lento]

@electroBeam

Ego-backlash is a prerequisite for the ego. Without ego-backlashes, there would be no ego. And without ego, you'd stay stuck wherever you are.

This is how growth occurs. You don't grow just by being awake all the time, you also need to rest and get some sleep every now and then. Otherwise, you're going to get burnt out and die (at least as an ego).

Think of awareness vs. ego-backlash as growth in the horizontal plane. And think of ego-death as growth in the vertical plane.

Edited February 9, 2020 by Lento

[mandyjw]

Less values, less holding yourself to a standard, more self Love. Self Love is the essentially the same thing as meditation, it is the wisdom to let go of thoughts that don't feel good, thoughts that judge yourself. When you don't practice self love it's as if there are two of you in an abusive love relationship in your head. One constantly beats up on the other, then they make up, then they fight again. The voice that judges and criticizes itself, does so because it thinks there's a standard or values it must uphold. 

Examine your beliefs and values. Do you want to be good (think of oneself as successful, self actualized, respectable) or do you want to feel good, (experience inspiration, love, acceptance, oneness)? Is there truly, in actuality, a difference, or duality between the two? 

[fridjonk]

@electroBeam While having one of these backlashes, try n feel into where the problem arises. Really soul-search for that shadow which is causing this. It could be you've developed an allergy to a stage in some part of Red or resentment in stage Blue, some sort of anti authority, maybe when you are moving away from those things; they pull you back. 

[silene]

Hi @electroBeam  you mentioned in another post in the Serious Emotional Problems subforum ("I feel like I cant trust anyone") that you have been feeling suicidal too. Your emotional state may be an ego backlash from your spiritual work, or response to your situation. Just a thought, but considering your 'manic' episodes you describe here, have you considered the possibility of bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression)?   May be worth getting it checked out.  When we're doing serious spiritual work the backlashes we have can appear similar to mental health issues - eg sometimes I can't decide if I'm having a nondual experience or depersonalisation / derealisation  which are psychological states too! 

[arlin]

It s clear you are going in the wrong direction. Stop. 

What kind of work are you doing? Why? What do you want to reach? 

What kind of personal development basics have you got? How long since you are in this journey? 

Nobody who is a newbie has all those ego backlashes. It's clear that you don't know what you are doing, and you are sretching yourself too much because of that. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by arlin

[Inliytened1]

4 hours ago, electroBeam said:

I have frequent peaks of ego backlash(every 1 month to every 2 weeks). And it lasts usually 3 to 4 days, maybe 5.

During an ego backlash I go on a mid-life crisis where I feel like being a cocaine drug dealer living in the ghettos and having highway speed chases with cops. It's sort of like being drunk on alcohol except you're sober.

Most of the time I don't notice this is happening until I do something stupid. I just think this is what I value and this is who I am. 

The values that I have usually are almost the opposite to what is experienced when these mid life crisis happen. 

This value shift happens frequently, and it makes it hard to sustain stability in life purpose, meditation habit, etc. 

I want to have a stable life purpose and meditation habit without being knocked off the pedastool by these ghetto desires every 2 weeks. 

It usually happens after being in a state of non dual awareness for 3 or 4 days. Or if I'm finding myself or other spiritual stuff. So it's not going away easily.

How should one keep on track while you feel like you're a badass thug that's gonna sell some cocaine to some niggas while having a shootout with the cops?

What you are describing is a form of Bipolar disorder (manic episodes).  So perhaps your spiritual work is triggering it.  Yeah i would talk to a therapist about it as you wanna make sure your mental health is in check before doing more spiritual work.

[Meditationdude]

@electroBeam hey man, just be aware this is still the internet, please don’t take someone’s evaluation of you (even if they are a moderator: @Inliytened1 ) as factual in any way. That should be determined by a medical professional. I have no idea how someone could determine this with a few paragraphs of words and zero background. 
 

@Leo Gura 

[Inliytened1]

43 minutes ago, Meditationdude said:

@electroBeam hey man, just be aware this is still the internet, please don’t take someone’s evaluation of you (even if they are a moderator: @Inliytened1 ) as factual in any way. That should be determined by a medical professional. I have no idea how someone could determine this with a few paragraphs of words and zero background. 
 

@Leo Gura 

I didn't say it was Bipolar for sure...i just gave my opinion to get it checked out.

[electroBeam]

8 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 Examine your beliefs and values. Do you want to be good (think of oneself as successful, self actualized, respectable) or do you want to feel good, (experience inspiration, love, acceptance, oneness)? Is there truly, in actuality, a difference, or duality between the two? 

Ahh yes very nice distinction I forgot about thanks! I might be taking values in the LP course too seriously. 

 

Manic and psychotic episodes are quite common on the spiritual path. Going to a therapist actually has a high chance of making the problem worse not better. Therapists won't understand the problem from a non dual perspective and therefore give you medications or treatments which don't solve the problem but aggravate it(just pointing that out for future reference). If you do want to see a professional, reiki healers or energy based yogic practitioners tend to be more reliable and gentle. 

[Inliytened1]

@electroBeam okay then it seemed you may have answered your own question!  I haven't heard of manic episodes happening like that but its certainly feasible.  i have experienced the feeling of losing my mind when i became directly conscious of Oneness.  But that was after a mystical state (and complete ego death) in which my consciousness levels were elevated.    My awakening happened after 4-5 of these such states over a few month period.  I have not had any backlash since because even when i meditate i don't hit mystical states anymore.  At least not since.  I don't really need to though.   That's why something seemed off to me.

 

[electroBeam]

15 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

@electroBeam okay then it seemed you may have answered your own question!  I haven't heard of manic episodes happening like that but its certainly feasible.  i have experienced the feeling of losing my mind when i became directly conscious of Oneness.  But that was after a mystical state (and complete ego death) in which my consciousness levels were elevated.    My awakening happened after 4-5 of these such states over a few month period.  I have not had any backlash since because even when i meditate i don't hit mystical states anymore.  At least not since.  I don't really need to though.   That's why something seemed off to me.

 

Everyone reacts very differently to spirituality. Some people (like you) enter altered states of consciousness quite smoothly, others experience manic and psychotic episodes. Neither is better than the other. In my experience its not coming from lack of shadow work or an increase need of letting go of emotional baggage. You can think of it like different cognitive makeup in the brain which causes different things in people regardless of emotional or psychological trauma.

One way to make sense of it is to say you're more spiritually gifted than someone else. Other ways to make sense of it are things like you having a spirit animal (shamanism) while others don't, etc. Another way to make sense of it is some people a psychic and don't know what they are doing with their psychic abilities (lots of schizophrenics). 

I don't experience extreme levels of mania or psychosis, but I experience them to a moderate extent (even that's hard to objectively quantify because its all relative), and I experience them (in my opinion) frequently (every 2 weeks to a month). In the past my psychotic episodes were caused by an oscillation between 2 chakras, this one, after analysis, was caused by a misrepresentation of values from the life purpose course. Its not a problem, its not better or worse then your smooth ride, but its different, and its different for non sensical reasons. 

Edited February 9, 2020 by electroBeam

[Inliytened1]

@electroBeam that's very interesting thanks for explaining more.  Dont get me wrong i also experienced a bout of depression as well especially when i discovered the self was an illusion.   it wasn't all biscuits and gravy for me either ?

[Nahm]

To someone who is overly selfless a lot of spirituality and nondual ‘stuff’ would sound so backwards. There’s really no message of ‘you actually need more selfishness’ in it. I’ve come across people that do though. Very rare, ironic and imo intriguing.