A journey to feel everything fully

[Psychonaut]

I assume no one cares. I assume I am just another 25 year old leaf floating in the wind. My writing journey started about 1.5 years ago. I have a backlog of about 200 pages. I go back to them especially when I am down. They give me strength and remind me of what I have already been through. They remind me of what I have already felt. They capture an emotion and some of them make me cry every time I read them. I try to purge myself in cathartic writing. However, there are recurring themes in my writing. I feel a strong desire to share it and hope you enjoy the texts.

[Psychonaut]

Chapter 1 - Thinking

These are my first few texts. At the time I didn't know why I was writing. It just felt good to me. I think I am trying to motivate myself by writing.

 

12/06/2018 - The truth

Let me tell you a secret. You are going to die. Sounds a bit harsh, right? But this is the one thing I can assure you is true.

Let me tell you another thing. You signed up for it. Yes you signed up for this. Being born, living and dying.

And there is no way out. You are alive. You are going to die. But what are you going to do about it?

Will you let it beat you down? Will you crawl on the floor, crawl in agony. Crying about how unfair it is?

Or will you do something about it? But what can you do about it? Is there anything you can do? Maybe accept it? Embrace it?

 

Now, get the fuck up. Don't crawl on the floor. Don't lie on the floor. Don't kneel down.

Don't walk with a rounded back. Drag your legs behind you. Or roll around on the floor like a baby. Get up straighten your shoulders and raise your middle finger.

For there is no way out. You cannot drown yourself in alcohol. You cannot forget yourself while bungee jumping. You cannot get so rich that it can't touch you anymore.

You cannot loose yourself in work. Dissolve completely on the orgasm or escape in any shape or form. People have tried and they will keep trying forever.

It doesn't work. Just stop doing that. It looks fucking stupid. Just do what you have to do and stfu. Thank you.

Edited February 8, 2020 by Psychonaut

[Psychonaut]

08/07/2018 - Not showing up to a fight

I am the fighter that often doesn't show up to the fight.. If I don't show up to this fight I'm more likely to not show up to the next fight. Once I realise that nothing happens when I don't show up to a fight, I just don't fight at all anymore. I have become the fighter that doesn't fight.

This is a problem. There are so many ways out. The fighter is tempted to take the easy route. But a fighter that doesn’t fight isn't a fighter anymore. This is a problem. The fighter has a great potential to do good. He might make mistakes, but he learns from them. He gets up, dust offs, shakes the defeat of and tries again. The only problem with the fighter is that he has to show up to the fight. He has to be there. He has to be there fully. If he is not he loses. He blinks for a second. He doesn't pay attention to the other. He is out, He is down. He has lost.

A fight is the most real experience of being present. A fighter in a fight has to be fully there. He has to respond in time. If he is too slow he gets knocked out. But a fighter doesn't just fight in the ring. There are many small fights in his life. He consistently shows up to them. He recognizes the fight and he responds accordingly. When he sees a girl he likes he notices it. He responds to that call. He talks to the girl. Now he knows if the girl is worth fighting for.

When the fighter has something to say. He opens his mouth and says it. For the fighter is recognized by the others. When he speaks others listen. People can sense a fighter. They can sense the potential in him. The other expects the fighter to fight. The fighter has to be there and fight. A fighter that is not fighting is also recognized. People see the fighter who is not fighting. He has become a defeated fighter. The sparkle is gone from his eyes.

A defeated fighter feels very different. A fighter that has lost a fight gets up and tries again. A defeated fighter is knocked down and stays down. He doesn't get up. The first thing a fighter does when he is knocked down is to get up. His legs are wobbly and he is barely conscious. He still gets up. He knows if he stays down, he will die and he can't fight anymore. So all the fighter has to is fight. The fighter has to show up the fight. He has to be there and fight. If he is not there there is no fight. Showing up is the greatest strength and weakness of the fighter. For all he has to do is show up to the fight. Nothing can truly happen to the fighter in a fight. He will not physically die, he can just loose this one fight.

But what holds the fighter back is fear. Fear that there might be something he could loose in the fight. But all he can loose is his pride. The fighter can only loose by not showing up to the fight. If the fighter shows up to the fight he might lose the fight. But if he doesn't show up everyone loses. The potential to grow and become better is lost. This hurts the fighter in the long run. It might take a while for the fighter to realize why he Is suffering. He can't run away from the next fight forever. At some point the fight will come to him. He might lose this fight, but he gets back up and he fights again. The greatest fighter knows when the fight is over. When he has won he helps his opponent up and encourages them to get better. If he has lost he honours his opponent and congratulates him. He gets up and lives to fight another day.

A fighter has great potential. He has great potential and faces great obstacles. The fighter has great potential to do good. The fighter also has great potential to do evil. The greatest fighter is aware of his potential. He knows the darkness. He does everything to not let the darkness envelop him. He has a high potential and he is dangerous. His actions can bend the membrane of reality and fantasy. He bends reality. He pushes is to a better reality. He continues to get up, fight and push. As long as the fighter is alive he fights. For the fight is what makes the fighter alive. Once the fight is over the fighter relaxes. There is another fight to fight. Alive, alive! I am still alive! I will fight! For the fight makes me alive!

Edited February 8, 2020 by Psychonaut

[Psychonaut]

17/09/2018 - What will happen next

I wonder how is it going to end. What will happen. What will happen when I lose interest. When I finally see that this will never give me what I want? When I have tried everything. When all the food, all the pleasures, all the fun and all the experiences are over. What will be left? What is it? What is it that makes me come back? Over and over again.

I'm trapped. Trapped in here. Stuck in a body. How can I get out. How can I get out. Out without killing it. How can I break through the shell. How can I get out and stay inside. Why am I stuck between space and time. Being crushed by time. Time running out. Sand slipping through my fingers. The body is collapsing. I kneel down. My arms raise to the sky. There is still sand running through my fingers. It's dust now. Being blown away.

I'm being blown away. I'm stuck. Stuck in a body I can't change. Stuck with a body that needs to be fed. Stuck with people I have to care for. Or at least pretend I care. But I don’t care. I really don’t. Everyone around me could die. I wouldn't blink. Besides my dog. His death will come. I am not looking forward to it. But until then…. I lost it.

I was riding a wave of hatred. Hate feels nice. It makes me feel powerful. But this is still real. It tries to feel real. Is it? I don't know. Please get me out of here.

I want to get back to manipulating the matter. Think whatever I want to and have it become reality. Fly through the sky like an eagle. Run through the forest like a wolf. Rip out the throat of my prey. Zip through the ocean at lightning speed like a shark. Jump out of the water as a whale and make the ocean split for me. I want to form my body with my thoughts. Why did I come back to this 3 dimensional shithole? It bores me. It bores me to death. What am I supposed to do?

[Psychonaut]

Chapter 2 - A new beginning

I move to a new dorm and start something with a girl in the dorm. It breaks apart after two weeks and becomes a source of a lot of pain. In the following 2 months I write something almost every day. However the texts are very long and I have selected only a few.

19/10/2018 - Feeling wanted

It feels good to feel wanted. Before it always felt like I was unwanted. An anomaly not fitting the norm, but now I can feel it. Everything is so easy and effortless. Other students in the lecture talk to me. People react positively when I talk to them. This is really nice.

22/10/2018 - My heart shatters, a bolt has struck

I am being ripped apart. From the inside. And I can't. I can't make it stop. The pain. It won't stop. It's like the world. The world is being ripped apart. I am back. Back in the familiar place. The place where the question is: Am I happy to be alive or am I sad that I am going to die.

It is raw, it is so raw. It feels real, so real. I am letting it take over. Filling me up. I'll let it breathe for me, let it feel for me. Stop fighting. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid it could be real. Is it possible that it is real? Or is it just a dream? Another hallucination? Another drug? Another trip?

28/10/2018 10:41 - What do I feel like

It turns me on when you are turned on by me. I can feel you. My entire being focuses. It becomes still. I can never know what it feels like. I will never know what I feel like from the outside. I can only feel from the inside. But what does my presence feel like?

I am here, very much so. I have always been here. I will always be here until we both die. What does it feel like. I want to know. Can you show me. Please show me. Show me the other side. Make me feel it. I want to feel you. I want to feel myself through you.

[Psychonaut]

28/10/2018 - Demons torture me

Show yourself. Who are you? Who is it that doesn't want me to be happy. Who wants me to die. Who is it? Tell me! Why are you doing this to me? Why do you want me to suffer? Why can't you just leave me alone? Just let me live. I will die anyways. Why do you have to make me suffer. What is it. I cannot understand. Why can't you be happy for me. Why do you always come. Come to twist my mind. Every time you are there and try to destroy everything. Everything I have worked for.

All the people I love. Why do you want to hurt the people I love. What gives you the pleasure? Why do you want to see them suffer? Why do you want to push them away? What is your fear? What is keeping you alive? Why don't you just leave me? Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to hurt me by hurting the people around me? What do you want? Do you need love? What kind of love do you need? Were you rejected? Were you never loved? Did you do something and lost the love of the others around you? Do you want to take revenge? Is it that? Revenge for what others did to you? Cast you out?

It's okay. I love you. It's hard to say. I mean it. Whoever you are. Whatever you are doing. Whatever is driving you to destroy me. Whatever it is that is making you do what you are doing. I love you. It's going to be fine. Don't worry. I love you now. Nothing can happen to you. You are safe. My love surrounds you. Envelops you like a cocoon. You are absorbed by love. You merge. You become love. All that ever will be.

[Psychonaut]

1/11/2018 - Daggers

My brain hurts. It hurts so badly. Pure pain. A dagger is being stuck straight through me. Something has died and has been left behind. Yet I don't know what it is. I want to cry. I can't take the pain. The pain and suffering of mere existence. Loneliness, darkness. I'm sitting here alone. Always alone. My brain hurts.

My reality is turned upside down. Why am I feeling this. Why am I feeling this nauseous. Why am I feeling sick. How can I make it stop. How can I make it slow down. I can't make it stop. I cannot pause this life. I cannot say I would like to take a break - Just for a second. I want to forget. I want to forget.

I need to get up, Dust off, Reload, Recalibrate. Tomorrow is another day

 

2/11/2018 - From the ashes I arise

I have to love the person I am. The person I am right now. That is who I am after all. I could be anything. I could be a millionaire. I could be much better. I could be far worse. Sometimes I forget how much worse I could be.

I am better than I was 2 years ago. I am better than I was yesterday. I learn, I fuck up, I get up, I continue. I am destroyed and burnt to ashes. From the ashes a phoenix arises. It spreads its wings and soars up into the sky. Something great is coming.

[allislove]

?

[Psychonaut]

05/11/2018 - Know thyself

I want to know everything. Everything about myself. What moves me. What makes me tick. What motivates and drives me. Just what is it that makes up me. I want to know. Every corner and every sharp edge. Every piece of dust and dander. Every source of light, light and love, darkness and sorrow.

I am curious. I am not afraid. I want to see. I want to feel. I want to live and die. To be born and cease to exist. I need to know. No one can know me before I don't know myself. No one can get to know me for me. I need to do this myself. Keep searching. Keep being curious. Stay unafraid. For I shall not falter. The darkness wont prevail. The light will shine forth. I won't slip into darkness. I came. I saw. I kept looking. I found myself.

[Psychonaut]

It's perverse and the only way at the same time

I have this feeling that I am just a sacrifice. I am just here so that my view of the world can be experienced.

For God to manifest/experience its infinity I am here to be a part, a sand particle at the beach in the ocean of particles.

At birth I am cast out into this world, forced to cough out the water in my body so that I can take my first breath. I am not supposed to remember that experience but it was my first trauma and I started right of with one big trauma. It is not the only trauma, but it is one I will never forget and wish I could not remember. I come back to this experience every time I hold my breath for some time. I have been starting to practice breath holding in preparation for the Breath of Fire technique.

Whenever I hold my breath for a longer time it feels like I am going to die. After a few attempts I can hold it without needing to breath when the urge arises. My fingers start to tingle, there is sweat running down my forehead. It also doesn't feel like I am going to die anymore. Heat rushes up my spine and it feels as if my spine is being pierced by an energetic light saber. I am being impaled on a rush of energy. It is clean and frightening at the same time. It is hard to think while I am being slowly shutdown in my brain. No thinking is possible. It is beautiful.

There was that dying part though. I am terrified, not just terrified, I am absolutely mortified of dying. I can only describe it as drowning underwater. I keep drowning in my mother's womb over and over. There is no way out. I cannot breath. I am trapped. 

There is a huge difference between training breath holding on land and under water. On land you won't die when you can't hold it any longer and take a breath and underwater your lunges will fill with water whenever you cannot hold any longer. It still feels like I am dying. 

I don't know why I am sharing this, I don't even know if anyone can help. The path is there, I will go it and I will not return from it.

I just keep asking myself why it is like this, knowing that there is no other way.

[Ananta]

On 2/8/2020 at 10:39 AM, Psychonaut said:

I assume no one cares.

I care ❤

[Psychonaut]

Do I really want God?

I have been training breath restraint in preparation for Kundalini Supreme Fire. It is also called apnea training with CO-2 tables and a freediving app. I have been training for over 2 weeks now and am at the final stage of my CO-2 table (1:55 min breath bold), Soon I will start on the O2-table. During this I have had experiences similar to 5-Meo-DMT.

It is always the same crossroad at which I have to decide if I really want to go further. Do I really want it? It might be easy to say just take it. But what if you have never been there. What does it feel like? Everything is tingling in my body, there is a maddening pressure in my head, it is starting to go black, there are contractions in the belly, the body is screaming for air. Do I want God or would I rather just stay here and die without any repercussions? 

A thing that is glaringly obvious and which is something I am trying to find the answer for is: Do I really want God? Do I really have a burning desire to know God? Is the voice that is screaming "I don't wanna die" really me and how do I nurture the desire to want to be/experience God? 

[Psychonaut]

Petrified

I am horrified, I am petrified and I am scared to death. I am every word in the dictionary. When I have been reduced down to a heart beat and also that is being ripped away.

I cannot deny it's reality. What am I supposed to do but hold on to my damned life. I am fighting back, I am struggling. However, it is futile. I know it's futile. I know there is nothing I can do. Yet I keep resisting what has always been there. I am still resisting and it keeps being a terrible experience.

But then all of a sudden it's all good. I am fine. It doesn't feel like I am dying. Once it clicks it just clicks and it flows freely and fills me. The void is filled.

And I keep running away, over and over. Even what is supposed to hold me tight so I keep still doesn't work. I use it to run away further. I am numbed so I am not aware of the step I need to take. I am blind to what I am trying to forget. It has always been there and it has always flowed through me. God's love is all pervading.

[Psychonaut]

Love is insanity, utterly blind, mindbogingly relentless, undeserved, unflinching and all pervading.