Inhibited Aggression

[Kazman]

I have an anger problem.

It's not that I don't know how to express it and it then gets pent up inside - usually it just completely goes below my radar.

I don't become aware of it as it is happening or even afterwards. I realise it days later when it's passed and it's too late to do anything about it anyways.

 

There has been some improvement since I started to work more with awareness and mindfulness and read a book about emotions. I try to do an emotion check everyday to verbalise how I'm feeling internally and that also helps.

 

Mostly it isn't that much of a problem, it helps me keep my cool and instead of fighting (in a relationship for example) I just talk calmly and factually about whatever needs to be discussed, or I become silent and need to think. 

 

It's a real problem because sometimes I would love to have that instant fiery response and just be authentic and say no when somebody is treating me ill. That feels lightyears away right now.

I Don't know how to get closer to that.

 

Most people I've talked to say it's a good thing and that I shouldn't change it but I want to work on it. When I google it I just find people with the opposite problem, and pages telling me how to control my anger.

But I need to GET FEISTY!

 

Any help greatly appreciated!

[ayokolomo]

I have exactly the same problem.  As a result I can often become passive aggresive, not a good trait to have.

After almost 20 years of sobriety I sat in my bathroom and drank 1/4 l of vodka, then ran through all the scenerios that I intellectually knew should make me angry.  Then drunk and with my inhibitions down I forced the anger out.  

I definetly am more aware of anger, and I think 1 more "session"  (the bottle is almost gone.) I should be able to move away from the alcohol.

[Ayla]

There are real solutions out there to stop being passive aggressive but getting aggressive is not one of them, especially because it will harm you and others in the same way as passive-aggressiveness does. 

Here are some real solutions:

1. Find out your biggest triggers. Something triggers you P/A response - usually it is a deep inner trauma
2. Sport/exercise
3. Empathy - put yourself in the "trigers's shoes" and inquire what is it that they could mean other than hurting you. Is it possible at all that they mean something else? Even 0.01%? Move forward from that 0.01% 
4. Meditation/self inquiry 

[Kazman]

Thanks for the tips!

I will think about my anger triggers and get back to you when I make any progress!

And that vodka technique sounds very advanced! I like how you think

[ayokolomo]

20 hours ago, Ayla said:

There are real solutions out there to stop being passive aggressive but getting aggressive is not one of them, especially because it will harm you and others in the same way as passive-aggressiveness does. 

Here are some real solutions:

1. Find out your biggest triggers. Something triggers you P/A response - usually it is a deep inner trauma
2. Sport/exercise
3. Empathy - put yourself in the "trigers's shoes" and inquire what is it that they could mean other than hurting you. Is it possible at all that they mean something else? Even 0.01%? Move forward from that 0.01% 
4. Meditation/self inquiry 

Perhaps I should have made myself more clear.  

My pa was/is similar to Kazman in that it has become so ingrained that I often dont even notice it when it appears.

By getting in touch with my aggressive emotion and really pushing the feeling out, I am able to really experience it. Really feel and understand the intensity of anger.  

Now, as I am more aware of the emotion I am able to be more mindful, which has allowed me to really eliminate my pa behaivor.  Instead of acting pa ly I can and have calmly explained and talked through the situation.

[ayokolomo]

1 hour ago, Kazman said:

Thanks for the tips!

I will think about my anger triggers and get back to you when I make any progress!

And that vodka technique sounds very advanced! I like how you think

To be honest I am not in anyway qualified to be giving advice, especially, when Aylas is so much more "real"  Having said that this has helped me out tremendously!