Direction-less

[Patt]

     This is my first post here , so if there was any similar one , I apologize . Couldn’t find it anyway . Maybe similar , but not exactly the same .

     So, I decided to share here what is bothering me. This forum has a wisdom vibe . Sometimes we can inspire from the other human being . And we’re anonymous , so it’s easier to share , rather than with “friends” .. right ? ( well maybe “friends” issue and trust issues should be left for the next potential topic . If I’ll create one . But I don’t want to spam here , I could find so many reasons to create topics here .. ?)

     Ok so coming back to THIS Topic ... I’ll try to narrow it down as much as possible ( well I’ve written too much already lol ) : I’m  anxious about my future specifically. And that is my main issue. Why am I? Because I am already 24 years old this year .. and in this age we should have this all figured out right ? I have no idea what I am supposed to be and what should I do . You’ll ask : what’s your passion ? Because they say that when you do what you love you never work , and you should work in YOUR domain.. Well my domain is music , and expression through sounds . And words . I like writing and creating and playing keyboard and singing . But this is complicated world you know .. It would be so much easier to love for example Law rather than music . Or something else which is more probable to bring you financial stability . 
     When I finished highschool , I didn’t have any idea what I should do . I used to have good grades without learning so much. I was okay with math, as well as foreign languages and human studies , I also enjoyed reading . So I was doing okay with anything , except stuff when I had to learn by heart without any reflections .. 

I feel like wasted potential . I have maybe potential for sth but I’m stupid because I can’t make any decision . I was trying to find any sensible career option but I just don’t know . People without potential but with better decisions will do better in life . So I’m just dumb . 

     So, coming back to the previous line - when I finished highschool , I didn’t have any idea . What now . But some part of me felt like a failure , admitting that . I was imagining my family members and other people asking me “ what are you doing now ?” It would be so embarrassing for me to answer : nothing because I don’t know . So I decided to start studying . English philosophy with pedagogy . This is what I was studying . So I could answer them : yes I do study . ( fu** off ) 

     Yes that was a mistake . Big mistake . You don’t have to tell me . Guess what happened : I just quit this uni after first year . I passed all the exams etc , without effort , but I quit it . After they sent me to school for practice ( I was supposed to be a teacher after that . And I didn’t want to be a teacher . It made me realize it when I was in this school ) . Was it a waste of time ? Maybe not . Because I improved my language skills during this time . I am not native speaker (: so what did I do after quitting English philology ? I started to work . In my city . In shitty place . I was a cashier in betting ( I mean, they were betting their sport teams and when they guessed who will win I gave them money ) and also was doing other stuff like being responsible for money here or office stuff here etc . Dealing with hazard addicts each day was energetically draining . I was working there 2 years . And that was a waste of my time . Well I was saving money . But I decided to go abroad , to netherlands to work , because there is  more money . Like 4 times more than here . And I regret I didn’t do that earlier after “studies “ . So would have more money now . I’m earning money for health issue ( small amount is lacking now , but it’s not a topic )

after I’ll have that amount of money I’ll start saving money for sth else . But all I do is saving money , working abroad now .

Still without a vision . 
Should I cry ?

i don’t know ; it’s like I have keys to all doors and I don’t want to enter any of them and can’t find my own doors and don’t know which ones should I enter . 
and such a pressure because I’m getting old . 

 

and nice to meet you all I’m Patrycja that was my first post xx

 

thanks for reading ,to  these ones who actually did ; instead of doing other more useful things . 

 

     

Edited February 5, 2020 by Patt

[Patt]

I can’t imagine my life , 

I would need money for bills and for healthy food and supplements because I have pcos , plus for basic needs , and journeys because I want a pleasure from life 

so without education it won’t be enough, and 

I lost all my optimism for life , I have no idea. It’s such a huge anxiety . Too big pressure for me . I’m too dumb for life

[Thought Art]

@Patt Hey Patt!

I am also 24, and also dealing with some things similar.

From my understanding you are:

1. trying to build understanding of yourself, and what do with the life you have, 

2. You are comparing yourself to others

3. You care what others think of you

4. You think that being 24 means you have to have life figured out

5. You are a creative

6. You are afraid to step out and try things

7. You waffle from one idea of doing to the next

8. When you imagine what you would like to do you instantly hide from it and distract yourself

9. You have internal dialogues of your elders, friends and family in your head who talk you down or out of choosing (This is transference)

10. You are highly motivated, capable, intelligent, young, curious, thinking, and you are asking questions and coming to this forum because at least part of you knows you can change, work on yourself and figure things out. 

 

 

My questions for you are:

1. What would you do if there were no boundaries at all?

2. What 5 things would you think might be worth doing?

3. What change do you wan't to see in the world?

4. Are you reading books and doing self inquiry. Are you aware of the relativity of life purpose?

5. Are you taking time to bring yourself into the present moment?

6. Have you heard of the notion of 'Taking small bets?'

----

I am in the same boat as you in many ways. I am young and I still have a lot of questions. I am also 24 and theres still things like: Education and finances: that I need to figure out in greater detail. 

I have taken my personal growth and life long education as the most important thing I can do right now. No life purpose, success, happiness, relationships etc can develop unless I actually develop myself to the level I need to be. Learning takes place when we consume and understand information, and we apply it to the real world. This is what I think we do at our age. We develop the best map possible: Read, consume information etc. And we apply it as much as we can to the territory: Applying for grants, meeting people, volunteering, taking risks, going to open mics, doing something just for the sake of learning from it.

Become a student of humans nature, remember the 80/20 principal. All things I am trying.

Though dropped out of school because I realized I needed to develop self knowledge, work through depression and anxiety etc (mystical experiences led me this way). I have read more books than most of my friend who are in school, have greater self knowledge, self motivated, I've developed habits, worldview, my metaphysics etc. And the universe is bringing my opportunities where my large picture thinking and softskills have managed to land me mentors who believe in my and I am developing more hard skills thanks to them hiring me part time. I will have to create my own path this I know. I am a visionary. It's scary, and I have a large amount of resistance to the call!

Perhaps you are too! What is your hero's journey?

I am on track in some ways toward moving toward my life purpose, theres still lots of questions, maybes, risks, and doubts. There is also the internal work of transcending the neurotic symptoms I've developed from trauma and years of poor self talk and self image.  Over all, just eat grapes for now. Don't worry about the wine ahaha.

 

 

Edited February 5, 2020 by Thought Art

[supremeyingyang]

@Patt

You are bad prepared by your elders and don't know what to do at the age of 2x. You fear the future. Maybe it makes suffering better if you know that this is common. A lot of people here were at that point.

The good part is that being at rock bottom is the beginning of the journey  actualizing. I know, you don't want to hear that. Nobody chooses that consciously I guess.

Edited February 5, 2020 by supremeyingyang

[Average Investor]

It sounds like you really want to pursue music. If that is the case you really need to put all of your effort into that. All of the people around you are going to want you to do what 95% of people are doing. Most of those people are not successful or creative. So you surely don't want to be like them. They just want to bring you into their way of life, or what they think society should do.

You could teach music if you want. There is a lot of places on the internet where you could do that and make money doing that. There is also the option of becoming a music teacher. You could also produce your music and share it with the world. But by that I mean that you are really going to have to spend time doing this everyday and work towards the goal that you want, which is to make money doing something that you love. You can even make money by producing music on the street corner if you had to. But there is much better ways in modern society, but there is still many who make good money even doing that. You really have to practice and master your skills before you can start to make money with it. If you are not willing to take the risk to do what you love, then you will be stuck living like the rest. 

You should work towards finding what you want to do and set a goal to do that one thing. Once you have that make plans on how you are going to obtain your goal. If you are actively acting on your plan, then I don't see any reason you cannot succeed. 

[Robert Leavitt]

On 2/5/2020 at 6:49 AM, Patt said:

 

 

Edited February 8, 2020 by Robert Leavitt

[Robert Leavitt]

Hi Pat,

I have been where you are now.  I felt exactly the same way when I was your age.  I want to look at the quote here in this post.  When did you decide that you were stupid?  Was it because someone else told you that when you were younger (or even currently in your life)....at what point did you define yourself that way?  Of all the things that you wrote (all which I totally can relate to, the fear of the unknown...)  This one little paragraph is the one that is GLARING to me.

On 2/4/2020 at 5:24 PM, Patt said:

I feel like wasted potential . I have maybe potential for sth but I’m stupid because I can’t make any decision . I was trying to find any sensible career option but I just don’t know . People without potential but with better decisions will do better in life . So I’m just dumb

Be kind to yourself...if you can learn to be kind to yourself, the rest of the "problems" will start to go away.  It's really hard to make decisions when you talk to yourself that way.  Thoughts that sound like this:

"Oh my God I'm so stupid"

"Why did I do that I'm such an idiot?"

"I'm so worthless, how could I be so dumb?"

That's shame and guilt, you are shaming and devaluing YOURSELF...don't do that..!?!

That's been my personal experience, and I hope that it helps.  You are not stupid.  You are actually light years ahead of most others your age, because you are here, asking questions....that makes you AWESOME.  I wasn't asking questions at your age...

 

Robert

[Meetjoeblack]

read way of the superior man by David Deida.

there's a time reap and a time to sow.

it sounds like you are in a period of contemplation. So be it.

enjoy.

in time, it will come when you must sow. for now, stay aware. pay attention. keep focused.

Come clarity. let it. When the time is right, you will know what to do. Until then, do your best and keep up with your spiritual work.

[Patt]

Thank you guys for all your responses. 
Let me answer to some of your questions and also no-questions.

Quote

2. You are comparing yourself to others

3. You care what others think of you

That is a fact. I think it has to do more with my previous experiences. I experienced social trauma in school in past, I was rejected etc, so it influences maybe a little me now, it;'s like , my subconsciousness is like "I'll show them I am all successful, to those who thought I am a complete zero" . Yeah maybe It's this way, but it's not the topic for this conversation lol.

Quote

4. You think that being 24 means you have to have life figured out

well yes I do. Shouldn't we already?  It's the time.

Quote

6. You are afraid to step out and try things

Well, I am not. I would do anything. I could be brave. But I am more afraid I won't find any direction. I went on my own abroad and that was brave in my view. I am not afraid to try things. I am afraid I won't find my place in this world. I want to belong somewhere.

On 5.02.2020 at 5:14 PM, Thought Art said:

7. You waffle from one idea of doing to the next

Well yes, I really wish I had ONE idea, I would be so happy to follow ONE IDEA. I would really be. 

 

On 5.02.2020 at 5:14 PM, Thought Art said:

8. When you imagine what you would like to do you instantly hide from it and distract yourself

Because what distracts me is doubt . Doubts about my future. About my stability and being safe and independent. Idk.

On 5.02.2020 at 5:14 PM, Thought Art said:

You have internal dialogues of your elders, friends and family in your head who talk you down or out of choosing (This is transference)

Well my parents used to be like "do what you want", but they didn't care at all. So , I think I can say I didn't have any lead figures . I can say I brought myself up on my own by reading books and being inspired with my fav artists etc. But yes, I care about what my toxic aunts will say or my peers from school or friends from my classroom with whom I didn't spend so much time. With whom I didn't feel so comfortable. To whom I compare myself now Who are the same age and somewhere further than me in life it seems. Well I need to check out transference term, thank you. Yes you can have right here. 

On 5.02.2020 at 5:14 PM, Thought Art said:

My questions for you are:

1. What would you do if there were no boundaries at all?

2. What 5 things would you think might be worth doing?

3. What change do you wan't to see in the world?

4. Are you reading books and doing self inquiry. Are you aware of the relativity of life purpose?

5. Are you taking time to bring yourself into the present moment?

6. Have you heard of the notion of 'Taking small bets?'

1. I would travel and visit Greece and Bali and USA,  I would sing and play my keyboard , would experiment with electronic sounds. I would exercise each day or do some sport or dance and cook healthy food. It would be utopia to be free and smile and not worrying.:(

2.

-Helping other people ( especially children who used to feel the way I felt in school , who are rejected or lonely or misunderstood or who live in dysfunctional families, would make them happy, give them hope , giving them warmth. Help older also rejected people. ) and helping also animals. Well generally HELP is worth doing.

-creating and performing music, and singing, it's worth doing because I express myself this way and my overwhelmed feelings which have their way of being released . 

- reading is worth doing. I am happy just being in the morning when no one interrupts me and I can read a book

- exercising, doing sports, just for well being and health

- travelling is worth doing 

That is 5 things worth doing for me

3. Ecological changes I think. Improve quality of polluted air ( in Poland especially it sucks), animals who get extinct because of global warmings, shitty government and politics ( well it's connected with ecology so. Gov could do sth about it but they care more for money rather than that. ) World is too much focused on consumption and money , we won't change it though. There will be always sickness and poverty and manipulators because of money ( even fake doctors who care more on money rather than health of people ). 

Oh I know what I would also change! They shouldn't produce plastic. They should stop it. And also stop adding this chemistry to food. So difficult to find sth with healthy ingredients. Even vegetables today are sprinkled with this chemistry to grow faster. Or animals are being given hormones to make them grow faster. And we also eat it. or conditions in which some chicken are living or pigs also. Suffering of animals:( 

4.I do read books. I love reading books. I read philosophical, criminals. psychological , spiritual books..  I am trying to know myself more. I think I do maybe. "Relativity of life purpose" , well if by that you mean that life purpose is something subjective , not defined by society , like any success we should reach, well we don't have to . It's only our life and we define our own success not others. Then yes I am aware. But I still put too much pressure on myself. maybe. Idk.

5. Lastly not. I think constantly about the future. Because I worry about it. Oh I should start meditating again. Or practice mindfulness at least. And doing music not worrying that in the future it won't bring me money.  I will treat it only as a hobby.

6. I haven't .

 

On 5.02.2020 at 5:14 PM, Thought Art said:

Perhaps you are too! What is your hero's journey?

 I wish to know. I feel something in me but I don't know how to do and what to do about it if that makes sense. And I am happy for your journey . I also survived trauma. Well I described it above I think. So we're similar here : I wish you all the best, and thank you for your words. You are smart because of the questions you asked me. Just re-reading my responses can give more light to me.(:

 

 

Quote

On 5.02.2020 at 11:29 PM, Average Investor said:

All of the people around you are going to want you to do what 95% of people are doing. Most of those people are not successful or creative. So you surely don't want to be like them.

 

I do not.  But I want to be financially independent . Idk.

On 5.02.2020 at 11:29 PM, Average Investor said:

You could teach music if you want. There is a lot of places on the internet where you could do that and make money doing that. There is also the option of becoming a music teacher.

I don't like teaching . Maybe helping , but not teaching I think (:

On 5.02.2020 at 11:29 PM, Average Investor said:

You could also produce your music and share it with the world

Well I could. I wish I found people who produce, so I could focus on creating and performing more than producing. You're right, we should be focused on one thing. Well, I have one huge obstacle to come through before doing that. I need money for something related to my health. So after doing that I'll treat it seriously I think. So  I am abroad saving money. It's not long yet. 

Till that time I will keep writing and creating. 

 

Well,  thank you guys for your responses. It means a lot. Well, maybe I should stop caring about the future because I stop living in the present. If I don't know how my life will look like I'll keep creating music at least. I can always have a job somewhere. I will be choosing a job I will hate the least. And such which will give me time for music. Idk. 

[Patt]

On 9.02.2020 at 0:12 AM, Robert Leavitt said:

I want to look at the quote here in this post.  When did you decide that you were stupid?  Was it because someone else told you that when you were younger (or even currently in your life)....at what point did you define yourself that way?

Well now me, to myself.:) because I cannot make good decision and wasted my time already , that; s why.

 

On 9.02.2020 at 0:12 AM, Robert Leavitt said:

if you can learn to be kind to yourself, the rest of the "problems" will start to go away.  It's really hard to make decisions when you talk to yourself that way. 

ok I'll try :

 

[Robert Leavitt]

37 minutes ago, Patt said:

ok I'll try :

Alright!  I'm super excited, I hope you can see the problems aren't the problems.  Beating yourself up all day long, that's the problem.  Give yourself a break!  You didn't waste any time...  in my opinion the only time you wasted is the time you spent calling yourself stupid, or dumb, or any of those kinds of things.  THAT is wasted time my friend!

Robert

[Average Investor]

@Patt Glad to hear we were able to help! See what you can find that really sparks your interest. It might not even really be music. Try some different things if you feel the need to. I recently found that I enjoy photography and never really considered that something I would do. It might become part of how I even make a living in the future. 

Financial independence is tricky because it can deter you from exploring your passions and things you really enjoy in life. I would say if you want to aim for the Independence at least enjoy what you do. Try to find a middle ground if you have to. But if you can pursue your passion and really commit to it, then you could find that it could be plenty rewarding financially. 

[Patt]

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

See what you can find that really sparks your interest. It might not even really be music. Try some different things if you feel the need to. I recently found that I enjoy photography and never really considered that something I would do. It might become part of how I even make a living in the future. 

I will try doing this, I will attend various one hour lasting workshops about various stuff, so maybe I will be inspired. If nothing will spark my interest I will have boring job and music and books always xx

 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

Financial independence is tricky because it can deter you from exploring your passions and things you really enjoy in life. I would say if you want to aim for the Independence at least enjoy what you do. Try to find a middle ground if you have to. But if you can pursue your passion and really commit to it, then you could find that it could be plenty rewarding financially. 

Yeah, maybe I should just realize that. I should live in the present time. Because I will lose more looking constantly into the future. Thank you very much  

[Patt]

Thank you very much. This is maybe what world tried to teach me lastly. Even one girl in job abroad told me I put too big pressure on myself. And that was my lesson. You just reassured me about that here. I love you all.

 I will live in the present time (:

[Average Investor]

@Patt That's awesome. I wish you good luck with this. I am glad I could help you out.

 

[Patt]

I just decided I will surrender to music. I will surround myself with music producers. I will go on music  courses.  I don't care 

 

I will go to career advisor just out of curiosity only , but music will never disconnect from my head lol

I wish all good luck also

[Jonac]

18 hours ago, Patt said:

I just decided I will surrender to music. I will surround myself with music producers. I will go on music  courses.  I don't care 

 

I will go to career advisor just out of curiosity only , but music will never disconnect from my head lol

I wish all good luck also

@Patt go ahead, 100% commitment, do your very best! 

[Toan]

Hey,

All sincere love to you. 

Dont beat yourself up too much. 

in all thruth nobody truly knows what they are doing but rather gives you this imagine.

(some of your friends might have thought: Oh, shit, He got it figured out, he wants to be a teacher. What am I doing with my life?)

With all respect in this stage in life it is either about growing your character and getting tougher OR learning more to be able to give more value to the world and hey dont suffer from the Messiah complex. You dont need to have a big vision for knowing it all. 

P.S. I live in the netherlands too (Tilburg) 

I would love to meet up with you. 

Send me a message as soon as you read this. 

 

[Average Investor]

@Patt Great, keep working at it! Don't worry if you find something else that is giving you some spark too. Find a way for your music to change the world in a positive way! It will give it so much meaning and value to you. But be sure that it really puts you in your element while you are doing it. I get there is days that are not that great and things just go by. But make sure it really gives you the fire. It might even be a certain gene of music you have not explored, instrument, or creation style will do it. 

[Meetjoeblack]

On 05/02/2020 at 11:19 AM, Patt said:

I can’t imagine my life , 

I would need money for bills and for healthy food and supplements because I have pcos , plus for basic needs , and journeys because I want a pleasure from life 

so without education it won’t be enough, and 

I lost all my optimism for life , I have no idea. It’s such a huge anxiety . Too big pressure for me . I’m too dumb for life

Busy yourself. Exercise. 

A lot of supplements are useless, costly, and not ideal. Get organic food. Eat healthy. 

Read way of the superior man by David Deida. Periods of lulls, contemplation, fork in the road are part of life. Busy yourself. Map out the life you want. Check out the purpose course.